Is this the end?

[magnolia18]

Hello and thanks for taking the time to read this. This is my first time posting here, although I have been lurking here for a while, reading many of the threads on this forum. I know I will probably get beaten up, as most OW and MM seem to….but I need the support, understanding and insights I may also get. I know this will be really long, sorry about that, but I am trying to put as much as I can on paper, both to help me get a better grasp of things, as well as give you as much of the story as possible.

I am not a serial cheater, in fact I have never cheated before and never would, with the exception of this one and only person.

My MM was also my first love. We met during our first year at university and were together for 2 years. I broke up with him because even then he was conflict avoidant and would revert to lying when something was amiss between us. For example, these were the days before the internet and cell phones and in our long distance relationship we wrote a lot to each other. He was lazier than me and when I complained that I did not get any letters, he lied that he wrote every day but they got lost in the post!

We did not see each other again for 30 years. Six years ago we reconnected via social media. We were both married with children. As we started chatting, it was apparent that the connection was still as strong as ever. We had both grown in very similar ways away from each other, developing very similar views, interests, hobbies, we still shared the same jokes and sense of humor and still finishing each other’s sentences. There were also many weird coincidences in our lives. For example, we were married one day apart, with one year difference.  

Our relationship was always very physical as well as emotional and spiritual. We always had an amazing chemistry between us and very close emotional and mental connection, on the verge of telepathy.

We started chatting online daily, filling each other up for the years we were apart, falling madly for each other again and planning our first meeting after so many years. He decided to drive over to my place, so we could spend the day together, as his family would be away on holiday. He said I was his only true love, I only had to say one word anytime in all these years and he would have been mine forever. He said he could never lose me again for a second time. Things were really heating up in anticipation of our meeting. Then, 3 days before, he stops answering my messages and goes MIA. At the time, we were only messaging, we had not spoken on the phone yet. Panicking, I send him message upon message, no sign of life. After 3 weeks and a million messages, he reconnects. He later told me he knew what we were getting into and this was one last attempt to stop it from happening. This time, I said I was going over to his place. My family owns a small apartment there, so it would be quite easy for me to justify being there for a few days. We met…it was magical. We both felt 18 again, we talked, hugged and kissed for hours wrapped in each other’s arms, ended up having the best sex in our lives. I felt like reconnecting to a part of myself I had lost many years ago. In the next two days we had together, we agreed we wanted to leave our families and plan a future together. We agreed to put it off for a year or two, until our kids had finished school. We started meeting half way once every couple of months, messaging and speaking on the phone every day, sharing things and making plans for the future.

Two months in the affair, his wife finds out some messages between us. She knew about me and how important I was for him long ago, how he always kept all the letters and little things I had given him and she blows up. He tells me he is ready to leave the marriage, I ask him to be a little patient for the sake of his daughter but that I will certainly go along if he decides to leave there and then. Things calm down, a year later our kids graduate and his father is dying. We got really close during that time, as he would pour his heart out to me about his father, messaging me all day to find some comfort, telling me the only way he could go to sleep at night was by dreaming of me….By that time, I had made arrangements to leave my marriage and we had agreed he would come over and rent a place where I live. He said he would leave just after his father passed away. Three months after his death he set a date when he would do this. We started discussing houses to rent, furniture and appliances to buy. He told his daughter he was moving out and would try to find a job in another part of the country. The night before, we spent two hours messaging, discussing the final details. He said he had packed the car and would set off in the morning. Next day, I phone him just to say “drive carefully, I love you”, and I get relegated to voice mail. When he finally answers, he tells me his daughter got sick, he can’t leave her alone and is waiting for his wife to get home from work so he can leave, in the evening or next day. No sign of him, when he finally messages he tells me his daughter had a meltdown, said she would never speak to him again if he left, she was also very sick and his wife panic stricken  and unable to cope, according to him. He said it would never work, the stakes were too high, he could not handle the pressure, he would always love me but it was over. I cried and begged, saying it was OK, no pressure, we could be together with no concrete plans for the future, as long as we loved each other and could not bear to lose each other again. So, we got together again, continued meeting and chatting daily, but with no reference to the future.

A few months later, he tells me he has never stopped wanting to be with me, he cannot see a future without me, he will speak to his daughter again and make her see he is not happy, he has applied for a new job abroad and would I agree to go with him. We start “future faking” again as you seem to call it on here, and all is good. In the summer, he goes to his holiday place with his family, and when he sees how unhappy that makes me, he says he will only stay 10 days or so and go back, since he is expecting the final good news on his job application. Two months later he is still there, I question him on it, we have a fight, he goes NC for 6 weeks, while I keep messaging him, asking to please can we just talk. Back together again after the summer, 3 years into the affair. Two months later, we accidentally run into his brother in a coffee shop and he is obliged to introduce me….he is quite worried as to what might reach wife and family. He starts cancelling meetings at the last moment, which makes me more and more nervous and upset, till we have a fight over the phone and he says we are done. He blocks me on the messaging ap we were using, but not on email or social media, so I continue to message and email him, although he ignores me. Apart from saying I love him and never want to lose him, I tell him many truths in these emails and messages. Like how I would never have pressed him to make a future together if I had the slightest inkling he may not have wanted the same, like he was always conflict avoidant and the one thing I asked of him when we reconnected after 30 years was to be truthful with me, and most important, that he may have been future faking because he never thought I would make actual steps to leave my marriage, which put him in a position to have to go through this too. Many many messages to which he never responded for 8 months. After 8 months he reconnected, but this time it was different. He was adamant that we would always message first before fixing a time to phone, and that it would be him that would initiate messaging, phoning etc, as his wife had found out something again and was very suspicious. He was also different in many ways. He said he loved me and always would, but he would never tell me again. When I asked why, he jokingly said, because he was “spoiling” me. When I asked how he could stay away such a long time when he said he could not live without me and why he came back, he said that both me and him had done a lot of self-criticism and I knew he would be back-didn’t I? No reference to the past, to job applications or potential lies he may have told me. So….we continue as usual, he gradually opens up again, he tells me not to be insecure, he will never go MIA again, we are good, we meet, we talk, we share, we laugh a lot. One year forward, during summer holidays last year, he has a serious health issue, we meet after he is back, go to the hospital together, get the results together, talk the issue over together…he talks this serious health issue first over with me-not his wife…Then for the first time he initiates a different kind of meeting, tells me both his wife and daughter will be away in a month and could I arrange to come over for that weekend. All goes better than planned, we practically live together in my place for two days, cooking, actually sleeping together for the first time in our life, watching TV, talking, going out for dinner and coffee, totally wrapped in one another again. He tells me he never stopped wanting to be with me but he cannot leave while his daughter is still at home. They have a very special relationship and he said he could not risk her hating him for leaving and destroying this relationship.

Fast forward, just before Christmas holidays, his wife finds messages between us again. There is a huge fight between them but he does not seem too worried, he expects things to calm down, although he starts cancelling meetings again with various excuses. We continue phoning and messaging daily and during our last phone conversation in March, I ask him to please arrange a meeting, as I see the covid19 lockdown coming, which he is oblivious to. He promises to go online in the evening, which he doesn’t. Lockdown comes upon us the very next day, schools close, the whole family is locked up together, he suddenly goes NC with no warning.  I panic, start messaging, emailing, phoning, asking him to please just tell me what’s going on and if he is well. No response. A month later he gradually blocks me everywhere, first on social media and he friends his wife again whom he had unfriended after their fight, then on our messaging ap, phone and finally email. I tried to contact him in every possible way but he blocks me at every turn. Two months later, that is in May, after I try to phone him once again, he sends me a message to please not contact him again or message, we are over-just that, no explanation. I have tried everything, he will just not speak to me. I am pretty sure that this time his wife gave him an ultimatum that she will leave and probably turn his daughter against him if she ever finds anything about us again.

I know most of you if not all, will tell me I am settling for so much less than I could and I know that. But I really love him, have loved him all my life, even the years we were apart, often thinking and dreaming of each other. It was very hard and traumatic for me to go through all this, from planning a future together and expecting him to actually show up on that day, to accepting that this may never happen. I did it however, and managed to be OK with that, even if it was not what I wanted.

I am in a very sad and dark place, I miss him constantly, I miss the daily contact, the sharing and joking and laughing, I miss feeling loved and wanted by him, I miss knowing his little life details every day, I miss the connection and friendship, I miss everything about him. I miss a whole part of me as well. It has been six months now NC, four after his message that we are done…can this be really over this time?

[Bittersweetie]

Magnolia, I am confused. Are you still married? If so, I would think you should look into divorce for yourself, since you claim you have always loved AP, even during the years you were apart (and when you married and had children with another man). Your husband has the belief his life is one way when it is not, and that is very disrespectful, to him and your marriage.

I am a fWW. And what I get from your post is so much information on MM and what he has said, what he has done, what his wife has done, etc. I see very little about your choices and your possible marriage. I know you care for this person, but you say you are in a dark and sad place. Is that where you want to be? I know in the recovery of my affair at first I tended to focus a lot on MM and his actions in order to not have to face my choices and the consequences of them. Because everything you describe, you took part in.

I would gently suggest that you turn the focus of all this on you, why you are making these choices, why you think what you are doing is okay. Is this situation what you want for yourself? Is who you are right now the kind of person you want to be? You have the power to change the script here and make healthier choices, regardless of what your AP decides to do. You can take steps toward a healthier and more authentic life. Is it easy? Heck no, especially after engaging in affair. I've walked down that path. But first you need to take a hard look in the mirror and decide who you want to be.

Edited September 24, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[BaileyB]

Can this really be over? Nobody can answer this question with any certainty. If the past is any prediction of the future, he may well turn up at your door again one day. But, would that be a good thing...

This man has proven to you that he is not  reliable... No, on second thought, he has proven that he is extremely reliable - he tends to come and go from your life like the wind.

The question becomes - if he was to breeze back into your life, would you want him? Based on your post, it would seem the answer to that question is probably yes. So then, the question becomes - is he a good bet? Will you be able to trust him when he appears again to tell you that you are his true love and that he wants to be together?

I will tell you that I wouldn’t. I couldn’t love a man and commit to a man who has been so careless with my feelings. That’s not love, in my book. 

I also love myself more than any man... Not in an arrogant way, I would just never tolerate this kind of behavior from a man - even if I had feelings for the man. I can love a man from afar and wish him well - knowing that it’s not a good decision for ME to place my trust in the man and rely on him in any way. 

As my mama used to say, this man doesn’t know if he’s coming or going. Right now, he’s gone. That should be all you need to know.

I second bittersweetie’s suggestion that you need to focus less on this man and turn inward, it’s time to get right with yourself and your family.

Edited September 24, 2020 by BaileyB

[AngelLove]

Respect his wishes and let him go. He clearly told you not to contact him. And backed that up by blocking you everywhere. What part of that don't you understand? It's over. He has a family and while he enjoyed this affair with you, the stakes were to high for him to leave his family for you.And it doesn't sound as if he was that keen. You were fun and distraction on the side..nothing more. He never  had any intention of actually leaving. And if he does get bored and return, would you want to be on that roller coster ride again? Expect him  blowing hot and cold and drop you like a bad habit  when it's convenient for him. Don't put yourself through that

Does your H know about this? Would you have divorced him if it wasn't for MM?Your  H deserves better 

Edited September 24, 2020 by AngelLove

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

…can this be really over this time?

Hopefully it will be over for good and he'll stop lying to you. This way you can get on with your life.

[magnolia18]

44 minutes ago, Bittersweetie said:

Hi Bittersweetie and thanks. My husband developed anxiety, depression, sleeping and drinking problems more than 15 years ago. After a particularly ugly series of incidents at around the time we first reconnected with MM, which the children fully witnessed, my older son said it was either him or his father, so my husband left. In the meantime he decided to try and cope with his problems and he came back a year ago, on the agreement that he would seek medical help, which he does-not always very successfully, but he is trying. Our relationship has been severely traumatized by this, as well as by the A which he does not know about. He knows I am not happy with him any more and I doubt he is actually happy himself. We live together very much like room mates, not fighting but with not very much in common nowadays. I would have been more than happy to leave the marriage if things worked out with MM, but I see no point in rocking the boat harder at this time. The kids are reasonably happy with both of us home again, and everybody is trying to get on with their life and problems as best we can.

BaileyB, thanks for your input. The truth is that if he came back, I would want him back. Is he a good bet? Probably not. Could I trust him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me? Yes. Can I trust that he will actually act on it? No. That is why I kept going with him, even after he said he could not leave at this point-or maybe never. It was not what I would have chosen, but I respected his wishes and managed to be more or less OK with that- for most of the time.

 

 

12 minutes ago, AngelLove said:

 

 

[BaileyB]

 

2 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Could I trust him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me? Yes. Can I trust that he will actually act on it? No. That is why I kept going with him, even after he said he could not leave at this point-or maybe never. It was not what I would have chosen, but I respected his wishes and managed to be more or less OK with that- for most of the time.

Huh? Does that make any sense to you? He told you he wasn’t going to leave. You don’t trust that he will actually ever make the decision to leave his wife and commit to you - but you kept going with him... because it’s what he wanted? You made your peace with it, as it was - knowing that he couldn’t give you what you wanted and you could never trust or expect him to do right by you?

Friend, you need to require more for yourself. No man is worth giving up your happiness and self respect. 

Respectfully Magnolia, what I see here is a woman who has stayed too long in not one, but two unhealthy relationships. 

Edited September 24, 2020 by BaileyB

[Bittersweetie]

I agree with Bailey that you are involved in two unhealthy relationships here. That is why you need to step back from the affair and focus on yourself. Focus on what you want in life, and if your husband is able to provide that to you. If not, then make the changes you need to make. You can support your husband as he tries to get better, and you can work through your marriage trauma, but you also have the choice to not do so. And that is okay. Your AP made you feel better and allowed you an escape from your real world. But you are never going to get to the other side if you don't finally face your real world and work through it. 

After my affair and d-day I worked through all of the issues I had. I worked through all of the issues of my then 15-year relationship with my husband. Was it easy? God no. It was the hardest path I have ever walked on. But it was worth it. I am far from perfect, but I am much more self-aware about my choices and have much healthier coping skills to deal with the lows of life. 

Have you considered talking with a therapist to work through some of these things? To work through the history with your husband. To work through your attachment to AP. I would guess your self-esteem is not the best right now. Or if that's not an option, you can read books about relationships, about self-esteem, about trauma, to gain more knowledge and begin to take back your power one step at a time. Your answers are not in your AP, they are within YOU. Good luck Magnolia.

[Bittersweetie]

You asked, is this the end? Yes, this very may well be the end of this chapter. And that is okay. But a new chapter is about to begin...what are you going to write in this chapter of your life? You have the power to choose.

[Zona]

2x4 coming...Too bad you didn't find this place before you blew your marriage up for nothing. There are so many stories where the MM future fakes, but never actually leaves his wife and family. In fact it is the vast majority. From the research I've seen, less than 5% of relationships that start as affairs are still going after 5 years. Some researchers put that number as low as 1%. 

As many have pointed out here, you need to focus on yourself and your marriage (unless you are divorced now). Try to work on fixing some of the damage you have done, both to yourself and your family. IC would be a good idea.

Respect the wishes of your AP and leave him alone. Begging and pleading just makes you look desperate.

[magnolia18]

4 minutes ago, Zona said:

2x4 coming...Too bad you didn't find this place before you blew your marriage up for nothing. There are so many stories where the MM future fakes, but never actually leaves his wife and family. In fact it is the vast majority. From the research I've seen, less than 5% of relationships that start as affairs are still going after 5 years. Some researchers put that number as low as 1%. 

As many have pointed out here, you need to focus on yourself and your marriage (unless you are divorced now). Try to work on fixing some of the damage you have done, both to yourself and your family. IC would be a good idea.

Respect the wishes of your AP and leave him alone. Begging and pleading just makes you look desperate.

Thanks but...I am sorry...did you actually read my post? Who said I blew up my marriage or that it was for nothing???

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, magnolia18 said:

Thanks but...I am sorry...did you actually read my post? Who said I blew up my marriage or that it was for nothing???

I would actually suggest that the separation from your husband, hard as it was for everyone, was the healthiest decision you’ve made in these the context of these relationships. 

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

 I broke up with him because even then he was conflict avoidant and would revert to lying when something was amiss between us.

And history repeated itself again and again.

 

9 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Our relationship was always very physical as well as emotional and spiritual. We always had an amazing chemistry between us and very close emotional and mental connection, on the verge of telepathy.

I think that, unfortunately for you, you are very in love with the wrong person. This happens all the time, unfortunately.

 

9 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

 No sign of him, when he finally messages he tells me his daughter had a meltdown, said she would never speak to him again if he left, she was also very sick and his wife panic stricken  and unable to cope, according to him. He said it would never work, the stakes were too high, he could not handle the pressure, he would always love me but it was over.

You should have quit at this point IMO. Much easier said than done, but that's what "should" have happened. I think that AFTER this point his presumably sincere feelings for you were corrupted by the knowledge that he could manipulate you and "count on you" being there. This turned probably from love to "OW love" when you stuck around and tolerated him remaining in his marriage. He's probably genuinely unhappy but, as you note incapable of leaving it. So once his wife's "furor" died down, he returned to you. IMO most likely as an emotional band aid on his unhappy marriage.

 

9 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

later he gradually blocks me everywhere, first on social media and he friends his wife again whom he had unfriended after their fight, then on our messaging ap, phone and finally email. I tried to contact him in every possible way but he blocks me at every turn. Two months later, that is in May, after I try to phone him once again, he sends me a message to please not contact him again or message, we are over-just that, no explanation. I have tried everything, he will just not speak to me.

At this point, he's chosen his wife, at least temporarily. She's presumably monitoring his communications and whatever it's threats of dire consequences, "love" for her, insecurity, risk/conflict aversion, his kid, or whatever else, his blocking sends a clear message. Just not the one you want to hear.

 

9 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

I am in a very sad and dark place, I miss him constantly,  ... It has been six months now NC, four after his message that we are done…can this be really over this time?

If you've lurked, see my posts about brain health during limerence, which may help somewhat. Eventually you should get back to the place you were before you re-contacted. It'll just take a lot longer than you'd hope.

My suggestion would be to GENUINELY give him up so that you can move on (if you don't wish to remain single). Else there is always the remote chance he'll come back into your life. In your case, he's that special someone who jacks up your life. You ended your marriage and yet he has left you bereft. He treats you like you are disposable and at his beck and call. This may hurt to hear, but I think his (once probably genuine) love for you has likely morphed into using you. Certainly he's been using you emotionally if he was unhappy enough to almost walk out of his marriage, but then turned around.

Based on what you've written, I strongly suspect that IF you ever let him back in now as an adult, he'll just screw up whatever you've built with someone else. And then probably walk away. Whatever you may have done, I don't think you deserve to be left a trainwreck AGAIN by this guy. You need to be fully and completely OVER him (so you can move on safely for both you and your next partner) and if that's not possible you need to never let him in again. At this point he takes you for granted and clearly does NOT think about the consequences for you.

That would be my take on this.  GL ...

[sandylee1]

Your MM has continued to be as flakey and unreliable at he always was. 

It seems you have always been more invested than him.

Even when you initially arranged a meet up... he backed out,  but you pursued him and you continued doing so every time he went NC with you. 

I think he could see your desperation yo be with him and knew he could offer you less and less and you would accept it.

You clearly have no respect for his marriage and his family with your persistence. Think about it...how do you think his wife felt with you bombarding him with emails like that?

I mean... you get blocked and you still keep on messaging. He's somebody else's husband...please leave him alone for good. 

I'm honestly surprised he didn't have you done for harassment with your relentless contact. 

Far too much drama and if he comes back...he'll go again. 

[Zona]

Good advice given to check into what limerence is. I still have crazy limerence for my first love, but I know there is no going back.

Over 20 years of NC and I still have dreams about her quite often.

[magnolia18]

Thank you all for your input, especially you Mark, for your powerful insight, as usual.  I do feel an important turning point was when he did not show up. But I also feel he may have lied or economized with the truth. I mean how plausible is it that he had the car packed and ready to go and his daughter gets sick and has a meltdown and he decides he cannot do it? During the months and weeks when he was constantly moving the goalposts about when he would speak to wife and daughter and leave, I got quite angry one day and told him that maybe he was unable to leave after all. His answer was that it would be the easiest thing for him to tell me he could not do it and the worst would be he would eventually do it and end up on his own. I feel that like me, he cannot stay away, although probably less than me. Otherwise, why would he keep coming back 3 times up to now? And yes, unfortunate as it may seem, I do feel that I want him back and would let him in anytime. But will he this time? I wonder

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, magnolia. 

This guy has been lying to you for a long time. You have to stop believing that he ever intended to follow through on these grand plans he made with you. 

This man is awful. You would never be able to trust a word he says. Commitment, respect, reliability, love? That means little to him. He'd make a crappy partner and you would probably find that your idea of what your relationship would be like is totally out of line with the reality of a relationship with him. That fantasy you two have created would come crumbling down because it's not based on his real character, but rather only the good bits you want to see.

Time to really let go and move on. This was never going to be your Happily Ever After. 

 

 

[elaine567]

20 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Things were really heating up in anticipation of our meeting. Then, 3 days before, he stops answering my messages and goes MIA.

This was the moment you should have walked away. You knew he was flaky, and conflict avoidant you knew he was a liar, you had even dumped him for it, yet you chose to ignore all that to frankly insanely pursue him time and time again.  
This  nonsense about being the one that got away, the one he always loved is played out time and time again by guys looking for a OW to make their life a bit more exciting.
Guys bored with their marriage look for suitable women to have an affair with. They are usually not that successful in real life so go on social media to find exes, ex work colleagues, old friends and neighbours in fact anyone who may give him a chance...
He throws in the old You are my only true love" and she is hooked.
Women are suckers for that old style Disney romance stuff...
He told you what you wanted to hear, but whilst he was having a bit of fun with the future faking, you like so many women  took it deadly seriously.
He took it down to the wire and reneged at the very last minute. He was never going anywhere, not really, not when he realised what he would actually lose and for what?
For a woman who was cheating on her husband and who dumped him all these years ago? Unlikely.
He  woke up and chose his wife and daughter.
Yes he may turn up again for some fun and frolics, but as for anything long term, forget it.

[Caauug]

On 9/17/2020 at 12:51 AM, magnolia18 said:

I feel terribly lonely and lost and so very sad and in need of help...

I have been married for 27 years. I married my husband out of love and we have two sons, aged 23 and 17. The first years were quite happy for me, I was very much in love and overlooked many problems he had, even then. We built a good, comfortable life, a nice house, we are OK financially and I always was an active person with many interests and hobbies of  my own which gave me joy and a sense of purpose. Not any more. More than ten years ago, my husband developed drinking and sleeping problems, was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, we started fighting more and more, I felt gradually more lonely and indifferent in my marriage, more frustrated, dissatisfied and disconnected.....

….. Feeling increasingly frustrated and dissatisfied with my marriage, I asked my husband to leave, which he very reluctantly did.

…...In the meantime, my husband drifted back home and his wife was strongly suspecting about us, but we were in love,..

I am totally devastated, I have lost my interest for everything in my life, nothing gives me any joy or pleasure anymore, I feel terribly lonely as we barely speak or share anything with my husband and I have no friends. Separating is not something I consider at this point, not with the health and psychological issues my husband is facing and with no real chance of me being happier totally on my own, in a strange environment in my 50s....

This is from your other thread. I edited to just keep where you talked about your family and husband. 

Take a read at her other thread.... Little more of the story....

23 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Hello and thanks for taking the time to read this. This is my first time posting here,.... 

I am not a serial cheater, in fact I have never cheated before and never would, with the exception of this one and only person. 

…...By that time, I had made arrangements to leave my marriage and we had agreed he would come over and rent a place where I live.

…..never thought I would make actual steps to leave my marriage,

And the edited first post of this thread about your family and husband.... I might of missed a point there..... lots to go though..... I will give credit, there was more about your family in the other thread.

This clearly shows where your priorities lie... Not your family, marriage, or husband.....   I asked my husband to leave, which he very reluctantly did.

16 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Thanks but...I am sorry...did you actually read my post? Who said I blew up my marriage or that it was for nothing???

 

Yep, I have read it all.... You really can't say you have not blown up your marriage? Why, because your husband doesn't know??? The power of keeping information from him is intoxicating isn't it???

Your husband has been in trouble for a number of years, that is why you lost your attraction for him. Give or take a little time, when he started getting anxiety and depression resulting in..... Yes, sleeping disorders and alcoholism!!! Surprise!!!!

Your husband would have felt your disinterest.... As a man and less in touch with his emotions, he doesn't know how to handle it..... result is hide it with booze. 

So your husband is fighting with psychological problems, and you kick him out of his home to have more privacy with your MM??? " I asked my husband to leave, which he very reluctantly did." Asked??? Another fantasy.... More likely demand or gilt tripped....

You tried monkey branching. MM teased you with the branch, you swung out way from husband but MM's branch still had his wife on it...…. No room for you. So you swing back in to dysfunctional husband.... Plan A didn't work so Plan B is better than nothing....

Emotionally you have "Blown Up"  your marriage.... You love/lust for MM.... Not your husband.

We see this so much on here, wife gives up on husband, has an affair with MM..... Wife fights twice as hard to get MM than to try and save marriage with husband. What: Toss out a sure thing with problems for the HOPE of a unicorn???

You are in a loveless marriage. do not love your husband. Please let him go so he can find someone that will.

PS: This is "Hypergamy" looking for the "Bigger Better Deal" by "Monkey Branching"

Edited September 25, 2020 by Caauug

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

Otherwise, why would he keep coming back 3 times up to now?

Because you make it soooo easy for him.

And every time you lower the standard of what you're willing to accept just to have the privilege of worshipping his prescence in your life. 

Do you see where this is going? It's no place good for you.

Your whole relationship with him has been based on more fantasy than reality. Worse yet, you've indulged that fantasy more than him--apparent in the moments when he backs away (which is when he's checked into reality).

You will never be what you want to be to him. The best it will ever have been was in the beginning before reality was nagging at him. 

He's committed to his wife, no matter how unhappy. You can't save him. He can't save himself (does he want to?). It's not your job anyway.  Stop trying to control him. Put your focus on yourself where it belongs. You are also avoidant...avoiding your own issues by focusing too much on him. 

You strike me as rather co-dependent.  Sorry if any of my message seems harsh in tone, but I speak all from experience. Time to choose...YOU!!!

[notbroken]

Please do your husband the favor of divorcing him for both of your sake.   Leave the married man alone.  He was (and is) a fantasy that has lied to you too many times to count.  He was never going to leave his wife.  That was a fantasy too (by both him and you).  Harsh - but the truth.  

[magnolia18]

Caauug, thank you for filling in the gaps -if any- in relation to my first post on another forum, where some people kindly suggested it would be more relevant to post here. If this seems confusing to some – although highly unlikely I think- I apologize.

HadMeOveraBABarrel, thank you. I understand what you are saying and it does register. This is so hard for me though. I really have feelings for this man, however unreliable and unworthy you all think he is -probably rightly so. I try to cope the best I can with my daily life and obligations, but a few seconds after I open my eyes every morning, reality hits me like a bomb.

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

 And yes, unfortunate as it may seem, I do feel that I want him back and would let him in anytime. But will he this time? I wonder

You need to get past this IMO to be healthy. He's no good for you and I think your "addiction" to him (if that's what it is that would let you take him back after all you've been put through) isn't good for you either. Once you get over this break up limerence (if you have that, sounds like you do) then maybe IC?

You had a 27 year marriage + kids, so perhaps you've "lived a good life" whatever happens at this point, and can at least cling to that. Not sure how you want to spend your "golden years" but I'm pretty sure it won't be with AP. I think if you let him back in for another go-round there's a good chance it might be alone. Reality.

[Crazelnut]

Surely you see that he has lied to you all along? He never intended to leave his wife for you. You're just the side piece. Sorry for the harsh words, because I know you're in pain, but it's the truth.

You need to ask yourself why you are in love with a liar and a cheat. Don't you think you deserve better?

[Amethyst68]

Why let your husband back into the house and raise your children's hopes when you were planning all along to destroy your marriage? 

That's a whole other level of cruelty right there! 

It's time to be honest with him at least.  You don't need to go 'monkey branch', just learn to stand on your own two feet. This man is never leaving,  next it will be his daughter needs support through college,  then she'll be getting married and having kids and so on. It's time to concentrate on your own kids!