Is this the end?

[magnolia18]

Elaine, Crazelnut, Amethyst, thank you all for your input.  I think that I was quite clear above, as to that after he did not show up when he said he would, and especially after he said he could not leave while his daughter is still at home- which might be forever for all I know- I tried to make peace with the fact that he might never leave, for his own reasons and never put any more pressure on him about that and was more or less OK going on with no concrete plans for the future. I did tell him that after he did not show up. It was on his own initiative that he started making plans again about us being together, jobs abroad etc. So I am OK with the fact that he may never get the courage to leave his status quo. This does not change the fact that I love him, miss him and want him in my life nevertheless.

[Zona]

10 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

This does not change the fact that I love him, miss him and want him in my life nevertheless.

Didn't he ask you to never contact him again and then block you on everything? At this point your are just smoking the hopium pipe and clinging to a fantasy.

IMO, life is too short to sit around pining for someone like him (a guy who lies constantly, cheats on his wife, etc.).

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

 So I am OK with the fact that he may never get the courage to leave his status quo. This does not change the fact that I love him, miss him and want him in my life nevertheless.

I think that, in time, you will see that this guy is bottom-of-the-barrel. You love who you want him to be, and you love feeling heard and cherished and desired, but I don't think you love the man he genuinely is. Because if you love a person who lacks any kind of moral integrity, you badly need to re-evaluate your definition of love, magnolia. 

You would be getting the real him if he ever did decide to leave his wife: a man who lies like it's nothing, disrespects his family, doesn't value honesty or transparency, cannot address conflict like an adult, puts his own interests ahead of everyone else's and generally doesn't really care about loved ones' feelings. 

The relationship you would get with this man would likely be one full of tension, mistrust, anxiety and uncertainty - all because you know better than anybody what he is capable of. Again, the fantasy life you dream of has a very slim chance of coming to fruition even if he did decide to end his marriage and be with you. I doubt very much that you two would last because the reality of this guy would dump a cold bucket of water on your head. 

Edited September 26, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[HadMeOverABarrel]

21 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

I really have feelings for this man

At some point in your life you will come to realize that these feelings were not love for him, but rather for the idealized version of him that YOU CREATED IN YOUR MIND. 

There's some unfulfilled need or belief in you, for which you have convinced yourself this [idealized version] man can exclusively fill. You are lying to yourself about that...probably because you have some psychological block about what that need/belief is or where it came from. 

If you were to access that part of yourself, your attachment to Mr. Disney Prince would vanish instantly. Most people prefer to remain in the fantasy, the avoidance, than to dig within themselves to find that feared discovery...which ultimately turns into personal treasure...it leads to being a more balanced version of yourself.

[magnolia18]

ExpatInItaly and HadMeOverABarrel, thank you. I can relate to all that you say. The thing is, this is not like any common EA. If it was not for him, I would have never even considered cheating on my husband, irrespectively of the problems we had in our marriage. I have always kept my guards and filters up for any attraction I may have felt for other men (which I didn't, actually), but where he is concerned, all my guards are down and there are no filters in place. We were together when we were little more than children and we were very close. Even as I broke up with him back then, I felt I was breaking up with a part of me which would miss him forever. And even now, after all this roller coaster A, I feel I am missing an important part of myself. Maybe not a very reliable, truthful or lovable part, but we all have parts of us we do not particularly trust or accept.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

8 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

ExpatInItaly and HadMeOverABarrel, thank you. I can relate to all that you say. The thing is, this is not like any common EA. If it was not for him, I would have never even considered cheating on my husband, irrespectively of the problems we had in our marriage. I have always kept my guards and filters up for any attraction I may have felt for other men (which I didn't, actually), but where he is concerned, all my guards are down and there are no filters in place. We were together when we were little more than children and we were very close. Even as I broke up with him back then, I felt I was breaking up with a part of me which would miss him forever. And even now, after all this roller coaster A, I feel I am missing an important part of myself. Maybe not a very reliable, truthful or lovable part, but we all have parts of us we do not particularly trust or accept.

You know what? At one point, I could've written everything you wrote here. As a single gal, I've had many married men approach me over the years and I've always been quick to rebuff them, even chastise them...except xMM. Yep he was the "not common EA" for me. He was my singular exception. He was all the things to me you wrote here...

Except he wasn't really. It took a lot of therapy for me to see it. 

That part of you that's missing? What an actuate statement! Because it really is a part of YOU that you're missing...avoiding really, trying to fill that void with a fantasy version of your own creation...because facing the reality, and the pain you are avoiding, seem too harsh right now to face. 

This guy is just a bandaid for the real issue lurking within. Nothing good will come from knowing him, except that you might begin an inner journey to understand why you are hell bent on clinging to him after he's rejected you so. 

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, magnolia18 said:

ExpatInItaly and HadMeOverABarrel, thank you. I can relate to all that you say. The thing is, this is not like any common EA. If it was not for him, I would have never even considered cheating on my husband, irrespectively of the problems we had in our marriage.

 Sincere question - what does this matter?

This guy is a still a complete creep, regardless of how you feel or the fact that you wouldn't have had an affair with anyone else. 

[lifeoflies]

Magnolia 

I can feel your pain. It’s very sad. 
 

I don’t think your married guy loves you in the same way that you love him. He exercised total control over this “relationship”. It seems that every time he got caught, he chose his wife over you. It was easier for him to ghost you, knowing that he could get you back whenever his wife relaxed her diligence. It doesn’t matter what he says to you. Some men are quite adept at seducing females with words. I think if you could step back and read what you’ve written, you could see this guy for the jerk he is.  Yes, I know you’re unable to step back. This guy is playing with your emotions. Good luck to you. I hope you can forget this man.