I've ruined my marriage. I've confessed and it's broken everything

[jdubya3]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you feel you and you wife are more friends than anything else, OP?

Are you still married because you genuinely want this as your lifetime relationship, or because it's comfortable and familiar?

This has crossed my mind, but I don't think I've been brave enough to face it. We are very close and tactile, but the physical side has been lacking for such a long time. I've tried to address it on a few occasions, but it never goes anywhere. I'm aware I need be more responsible for my thoughts and know to open up a channel of communication, but maybe its too late for that now. 

I have broken her heart and for what.... I am such an utter fool! 

[central]

I wonder if you did all this subconsciously to get out of an unsatisfying relationship that you couldn't bring yourself to address head on.  You've had a close friendship for years, but it doesn't sound like it was a marriage.

[mark clemson]

36 minutes ago, jdubya3 said:

This has crossed my mind, but I don't think I've been brave enough to face it.

So you stayed primarily because of the carrot and stick of dopamine and insecurity? That's not actually inherently wrong IF it's also a good marriage/satisfying LTR where there is love and companionship. But chasing a partner who no longer wants you due to betrayal because of your inner demons isn't going to make you happy, it's just going to shut off the worst of the insecurity, which will creep back in in other ways (e.g. while you're sleeping on the couch while she figures out whether she can take you back or not).

It's easier said than done to just "feel secure" on your own, so agree with the IC suggestion. Divorce is a big change and, while I'm personally not recommending it, it may be inevitable.

[Watercolors]

20 hours ago, jdubya3 said:

Hi. I'm 40 and my wife is 39. 

We have a very tactile relationship but the physical side has been lacking for a long time. We have brushed over it and never sought help to allow us to understand the reasons why. We have tried to discuss it over the years but it never gets anywhere. 

We don't have children and made a conscious decision before we got married that we didn't want them. 

I appreciate, in hindsight, that we should have taken our lack of Intimacy a lot more seriously, and I would really like to try and explore that with my W if she allows it.

What a mess! 

I haven't read the entire thread but my question to you and your W is: why did you brush over the lack of physical intimacy? And how did you broach it in conversation with each other. And what do you mean by, those conversations about your lack of a sex life, never went anywhere? Do you mean, neither of you did anything to fix your sex life or resented each other or blamed each other for creating the physical intimacy problems you have in your marriage?

Your drunken incident is a symptom of the fact that neither you nor your wife is willing to take responsibility for each of your part in your lacking sex life. You would definitely benefit from a visit to a marriage counselor or at the very least, a sex coach. There are alternatives to divorce that many married couples just can't be bothered to explore, because their judgment is clouded by their emotional state of mind. If you and your W can approach this from a more balanced, wise mind, a rational state of mind, you can save your marriage. But if all you're going to do is react off of each other, then yeah, divorce is the likely outcome.

I don't understand why people think getting married means that you automatically are exempt from contributing to the relationship. Just like with anything you have to constantly do maintenance on it, to keep it in good condition. And, I read threads here about married people who refuse to do the maintenance with their spouse of s.o., and then act out by having an affair and they can't see the connection, or why they contributed to their marriage problems.

If you aren't going to take physical intimacy needs seriously, how can you even be in a marriage?

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, jdubya3 said:

This has crossed my mind, but I don't think I've been brave enough to face it. We are very close and tactile, but the physical side has been lacking for such a long time. I've tried to address it on a few occasions, but it never goes anywhere. I'm aware I need be more responsible for my thoughts and know to open up a channel of communication, but maybe its too late for that now. 

I have broken her heart and for what.... I am such an utter fool! 

You broke her heart b/c you didn't commit to her in the way she needed you to. When you agree to marry someone, you agree to a 50-50 contribution of that commitment with each other. Sounds like, you didn't really want to do that or expect her to hold you accountable. And when your wife held you accountable and shared how your actions hurt her, your first instinct is to bail on the marriage? Calling yourself a fool is just a cop-out so you don't have to take any responsibility for your actions in your marriage.

If you can't be responsible or held accountable for your actions, then you should never have married your wife in the first place. That's what marriage is: it's about committing to actively maintaining your connection with that other person and being able to be mature enough to take responsibility and try to change. My grandparents were married for over 50 years. Do you think that was by accident? No way. They were married until their deaths, b/c they were willing to put in the work required to maintain their connection. They respected each other. They experienced all kinds of shifts and growth and failures and successes and insight and epiphanies and acceptance during their marriage. At the core of it, they were great friends and they built on their friendship a foundation of love, attraction, trust, and respect for each other. They helped each other grow as people. They accepted each other. They gave each other the safe space to share their concerns, their problems, their insecurities and their failures with themselves and with each other. They never gave up on their connection. That's marriage. And that's not what you have.

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, central said:

I wonder if you did all this subconsciously to get out of an unsatisfying relationship that you couldn't bring yourself to address head on.  You've had a close friendship for years, but it doesn't sound like it was a marriage.

That's exactly what I thought reading through this thread. He married his platonic friend out of some kind of fear of losing that friendship, but not wanting to take it to the depth that is required of a real marriage. Now, he's squirming to come to the reality, which is, he doesn't want to be married to his friend anymore. That's why he cheated. He wants out but doesn't want to be the bad guy, or take the hit that comes with divorce, on his social network and the fallout that comes with divorce socially.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

If you aren't going to take physical intimacy needs seriously, how can you even be in a marriage?

But not everyone takes sex that seriously or feels it is important. Some couples are very happy in sexless marriages.
Sounds like here they had a cosy, friendly, tactile relationship, but with no actual sex. 
For some that is enough. Some don't actually need or want sex. The trick is to find someone who feels the same way.
By his inaction or lack of communication, then it probably appeared to be "enough" for the OP, but then he went off and slept with his co worker...

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But not everyone takes sex that seriously or feels it is important. Some couples are very happy in sexless marriages.
Sounds like here they had a cosy, friendly, tactile relationship, but with no actual sex. 
For some that is enough. Some don't actually need or want sex. The trick is to find someone who feels the same way.
By his inaction or lack of communication, then it probably appeared to be "enough" for the OP, but then he went off and slept with his co worker...

He still cheated and was dishonest with his wife to begin with. He never should have married her, knowing that he needs sex in a relationship. So, he created this situation by being dishonest with himself and with his wife from the start. He cheated b/c he needs sex.

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

He married his platonic friend

I didn't get that impression, but I could be wrong.
I assumed the sex just dwindled and died, not that it was never there.

[Fletch Lives]

One of the stupidest things people do to jeopardize their marriage is cheat. Another bad thing they do is tell their spouse about it. If you would have kept your mouth shut and stopped cheating, your marriage would not be as bad.

The other problem you have is the lack of intimacy. It's because your wife is falling out of love with you.So you have a few problems here.

All that said, it might be possible to save the marriage, but it will take time for your wife to come around (if she gets over it, there are no guarantees), perhaps as much as a year or more. 

[jdubya3]

12 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

He still cheated and was dishonest with his wife to begin with. He never should have married her, knowing that he needs sex in a relationship. So, he created this situation by being dishonest with himself and with his wife from the start. He cheated b/c he needs sex.

I never said we had an issue with Intimacy before marriage, so please don't jump to that conclusion and realise that 'he' is still reading this thread, and is hurting and confused too. I know I'm not the victim here, but it's still a lot to process

Edited September 25, 2020 by jdubya3

[jdubya3]

6 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

One of the stupidest things people do to jeopardize their marriage is cheat. Another bad thing they do is tell their spouse about it. If you would have kept your mouth shut and stopped cheating, your marriage would not be as bad.

The other problem you have is the lack of intimacy. It's because your wife is falling out of love with you.So you have a few problems here.

All that said, it might be possible to save the marriage, but it will take time for your wife to come around (if she gets over it, there are no guarantees), perhaps as much as a year or more. 

I disagree that it was stupid to tell my W. How can we look to rebuild something based on a lie? It's destroyed her, I'm very aware of that, but she deserved to know the truth. I'm having counselling to try and help me understand myself and my actions more, and hope that if my W allows, we can look to pursue something together as well 

Edited September 25, 2020 by jdubya3

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, jdubya3 said:

It's destroyed her, I'm very aware of that, but she deserved to know the truth.

Does she have any support? 
Close friends or family?

[jdubya3]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

Does she have any support? 
Close friends or family?

She has an excellent support network around her. Some close friends and family live very close by

[Fletch Lives]

19 minutes ago, jdubya3 said:

I disagree that it was stupid to tell my W. How can we look to rebuild something based on a lie? It's destroyed her, I'm very aware of that, but she deserved to know the truth. I'm having counselling to try and help me understand myself and my actions more, and hope that if my W allows, we can look to pursue something together as well 

A lot of people confess their sins to their wife .....things that can only hurt but not help the marriage. Things that they are supposed to tell their counselor. It's one of the biggest mistakes people make. 

There is a difference between honesty and openness. 

Edited September 25, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[jdubya3]

10 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

A lot of people confess their sins to their wife .....things that can only hurt but not help the marriage. Things that they are supposed to tell their counselor. It's one of the biggest mistakes people make. 

There is a difference between honesty and openness. 

Well isn't hindsight a wonderful thing 

After speaking with my counsellor in depth about the situation, I decided that my W deserved to know. How can you possibly look to rebuild on a lie? 

Edited September 25, 2020 by jdubya3

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, jdubya3 said:

How can you possibly look to rebuild on a lie?

Some would say there is nothing to rebuild, as the spouse remains in the dark and is not upset and is not thinking of ending things.
They are oblivious and remain so. They carry on happy and secure. 
it is then up to the cheating spouse to fix their side of the problem without hurting or damaging the other.
Confessing may be seen as merely assuaging the guilt the cheating partner feels, at the expense of destroying the trust and ruining the mental stability and security of the betrayed spouse.
 

[mark clemson]

Warning: incoming threadjacking debate on the ethics and positives/negatives of confessing infidelity to a spouse. Those not involved, please take cover.

[jdubya3]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Some would say there is nothing to rebuild, as the spouse remains in the dark and is not upset and is not thinking of ending things.
They are oblivious and remain so. They carry on happy and secure. 
it is then up to the cheating spouse to fix their side of the problem without hurting or damaging the other.
Confessing may be seen as merely assuaging the guilt the cheating partner feels, at the expense of destroying the trust and ruining the mental stability and security of the betrayed spouse.
 

OK thanks, I'll go grab my time machine 

[Fletch Lives]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Some would say there is nothing to rebuild, as the spouse remains in the dark and is not upset and is not thinking of ending things.
They are oblivious and remain so. They carry on happy and secure. 
it is then up to the cheating spouse to fix their side of the problem without hurting or damaging the other.
Confessing may be seen as merely assuaging the guilt the cheating partner feels, at the expense of destroying the trust and ruining the mental stability and security of the betrayed spouse.
 

Thank you Elaine

Edited September 25, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Fletch Lives]

I understand you can't take back this confession, but you'll know what to do if this situation arises again in the future with her or another.

[jdubya3]

9 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

I understand you can't take back this confession, but you'll know what to do if this situation arises again in the future with her or another.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this one 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I didn't get that impression, but I could be wrong.
I assumed the sex just dwindled and died, not that it was never there.

Your assumption was apparently correct.

3 hours ago, jdubya3 said:

This has crossed my mind, but I don't think I've been brave enough to face it. We are very close and tactile, but the physical side has been lacking for such a long time. I've tried to address it on a few occasions, but it never goes anywhere. I'm aware I need be more responsible for my thoughts and know to open up a channel of communication, but maybe its too late for that now. 

Your relationship was in bad shape, OP. Like someone else indicated, the cheating was a symptom of a way larger problem. You both seem to have made peace with living in denial for a while. But the problem didn't go away. I don't know if you'll be able to emerge from this with the relationship intact. But I hope you will come out of it with a commitment to being honest with yourself. Btw, I support your confession. Some people are able to live with a lie or omission and still fix a broken relationship. If you're not one of those people, then trying to follow suit would be disastrous. Be true to yourself.

26 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Warning: incoming threadjacking debate on the ethics and positives/negatives of confessing infidelity to a spouse. Those not involved, please take cover.

🙂

Edited September 25, 2020 by Acacia98

[jdubya3]

2 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

 

Your relationship was in bad shape, OP. Like someone else indicated, the cheating was a symptom of a way larger problem. You both seem to have made peace with living in denial for a while. But the problem didn't go away. I don't know if you'll be able to emerge from this with the relationship intact. But I hope you will come out of it with a commitment to being honest with yourself. Btw, I support your confession. Some people are able to live with a lie or omission and still fix a broken relationship. If you're not one of those people, then trying to follow suit would be disastrous. Be true to yourself.

🙂

Thank you. 

[Ellener]

On 9/24/2020 at 3:02 PM, jdubya3 said:

I was blinded by the fact I felt desired by someone else

you had low self-esteem and you won't get better until you fix that. Whether you stay with your marriage or not.