I've ruined my marriage. I've confessed and it's broken everything

[Atwood]

On 9/24/2020 at 9:43 PM, elaine567 said:

It was no terrible mistake, no drunken groping, it was a deliberate action carried out sober in the cold light of day.

What is the history between you and your wife, do you have kids? How old are you?
Why haven't you been physical with your wife for years?

 

Thank you for pointing this out. You’re right that this was a deliberate choice and just because the OP regrets it doesn’t change that. I do think sometimes we can make a choice and later think “oh that was a mistake” but actually the language is probably a really important factor in taking responsibility for your actions and I agree! 

[Lotsgoingon]

If you're gonna confess, then you need to be ready for the full devastation brought on by the confession. What strikes me is that the OP felt so guilty that he confessed--out of his own feelings. OP would have done better to get to a counselor and work through the ramifications of confessing. I think honesty is usually best, but I don't think confessing every discretion is helpful--especially in a case like this ... where it's less about the relationship damage brought on by the affair--and more about the OP's guilt.

Basically had the OP thought this through, he could have predicted that he would be where he is right now--and exactly how his wife would react--and he could have been ready.  Instead, the confession seems like an impulsive act---not though through--just like the affair.

OP: How did you think your wife would react? And how did you think you would feel? 

OP, are you scared of talking bluntly to your wife about the marriage? ... of course you are now, but before now?

BTW: I'm trying to think off the top of my head. But I can say a lot--maybe most of the people in miserable marriages I know of--had affairs. Not all, but many for sure. 

 

 

 

Edited September 25, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[jdubya3]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

If you're gonna confess, then you need to be ready for the full devastation brought on by the confession. What strikes me is that the OP felt so guilty that he confessed--out of his own feelings. OP would have done better to get to a counselor and work through the ramifications of confessing. I think honesty is usually best, but I don't think confessing every discretion is helpful--especially in a case like this ... where it's less about the relationship damage brought on by the affair--and more about the OP's guilt.

Basically had the OP thought this through, he could have predicted that he would be where he is right now--and exactly how his wife would react--and he could have been ready.  Instead, the confession seems like an impulsive act---not though through--just like the affair.

OP: How did you think your wife would react? And how did you think you would feel? 

OP, are you scared of talking bluntly to your wife about the marriage? ... of course you are now, but before now?

BTW: I'm trying to think off the top of my head. But I can say a lot--maybe most of the people in miserable marriages I know of--had affairs. Not all, but many for sure. 

 

 

 

Had you read the thread, you'd see that I have been having counselling and have been discussing confessing and therefore the ramifications of doing so. This does not come from a place of unloading to make me feel better... Again, probably best if you read the thread to find out. 

I do appreciate everyone's response, but telling me how you would've handled things in hindsight, is very counter productive. I was obviously aware of the damage this would cause, and was very emotional when I started this thread, but my reasons for coming clean were 100% not to lighten my load. 

Also, the confession came 7 weeks after the fact, so I don't see how it was compulsive. I had seen that my W and I were starting to make small positive steps and simply couldnt carry on in that direction without her knowing the truth

[Milly May June]

Op, you did the right thing by confessing. Not many ppl would take that risk and the fact that you confessed and not blindsided your wife  again gives you some advantage in my opinion. You are very brave to do this. If you truly want to reconsile with your W then you are doing all you can at the moment. You are going to IC to figure out why you made the choice to have a ONS with this woman. You are giving your wife space. I also believe you are transperent with your wife and allow her to ask question and vent. And most of all, you are remorseful! All those things work in your favour. Your main task is to figure out why you did what you did so you can be a safe partner to your wife or other partners in the fututre. Also by being transperent and doing the hard work of learning your whys you are slowly dropping small drops of trust in the trust bucket that infidelity has knocked down. It Will take time go gill it up!  

I have said this in another thread but there is a site called surviving infidelity.com which is a great place for advice for BS and WS alike. Its a very activ forum too. Check it out and read their healing libary to understand the process from your wifes point of view and what you can expect. There are also great advice to WS as well. 

What you wrote about a dead bedroom, maybe you mean that the intimacy has died down but not stopped completely? I have been with my H for 13 years and we are not as intimare as before ( his libido is not as high as mine). We talk about it openly and try to compromise and change this aspect of our relationship. Its actually very normal in LTR especially if there is stress present that takes priority such as kids and work. I do not believe that lack of regular sex means a bad marriage. It means that couples need to make it more of a priority rathet than assuming it Will happend naturally... 

I hope you and your wife get the support you need.

Hugs! 

[elaine567]

On 9/24/2020 at 8:40 PM, jdubya3 said:

I moved out of our home there and then, and quit my job soon after

Are you still living somewhere else?
Have you got a new job?

[Wiseman2]

So what's the next step? Marriage counseling and hoping to repair things or divorce?

Of course a lot depends on how desperate your wife is to stay married and deal with cheating and alcoholism.

Cover all the bases. You're in counseling so that is a start. Work on sobriety and whatever the alcohol has done to your sexual function. Get an evaluation from a doctor.

The next step is to consult an attorney to review your options in the event of divorce.

Your confession is irrelevant because your wife caught you.

[jdubya3]

26 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Are you still living somewhere else?
Have you got a new job?

I'm living back with my mum, and am still working hard to secure a new job. I've had 3 interviews this week, so fingers crossed 

[elaine567]

Have you had any communication from your wife since the confession?

[jdubya3]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Have you had any communication from your wife since the confession?

Hi. Yes, on a couple of occasions. Mainly questions and specifics of the incident. 

[Ruby Slippers]

It's good you came clean. It's clear you were unhappy with the lack of sex and not willing to go on like that. 

The root problem is your lack of courage to bring it up with her. Perhaps she would have worked with you to improve your sex life and things would have gotten better. Or perhaps she would have done nothing, and then you could have considered whether to stay married in those circumstances or leave the marriage.

Now it's abundantly clear to both of you that it wasn't working with no sex and was unstable because of it.

[Robert2016]

1 - You can't control the outcome or your wife's decision to D or R.  There are moments she loves you as well as moments she hates you - but it's her journey.

2 - Assume that she will not believe anything you say (or promise) nor does she trust you to be a safe partner going forward at this point. 

Confessing (while positive) does not make you safe or trustworthy.   IMO, she also wonders if this was the first time.

3 - Your best chance is to hope she judges you on your actions vs words. Focus on providing her with 'actions' rather than words.  Draw up a written plan for you to rebuild her trust and also to make yourself a safe partner going forward.

4 - To help you both understand how you got here you both should read:  "Not Just Friends" by Dr Glass.  If you search on Amazon you will see many helpful books on this topic.  Start implementing boundaries.

5 - One of many good books on the topic is: 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful' by MacDonald.

6 - Consider offering to take a polygraph test now and anytime in the future; consider offering her a postnup; offer 100% transparency & no social media.

 

Edited October 1, 2020 by Robert2016

[usa1ah]

On 9/25/2020 at 2:12 PM, jdubya3 said:

Well isn't hindsight a wonderful thing 

After speaking with my counsellor in depth about the situation, I decided that my W deserved to know. How can you possibly look to rebuild on a lie? 

Some people have no problems living a lie all of their lives. What the spouse doesn’t know can’t hurt them. So they cheat and continue to. 
 

I know you did the right thing by confessing what you did. Yes it broke your wife’s heart but she had the right to know. 
 

Cheating is never right and there is no excuse for it. With this said I will say this. 
 

Your wife broke the relationship with you by ending most of the intimacy between the two of you. I say she broke your heart in the process of ending the intimacy. You say you talked with her a few times before about it with no resolution to the issue. She had to know how it was hurting you and still didn’t try and fix the issue. 
 

Why save the marriage now if nothing has been resolved? You will be going right back into a roommate relationship.
 

Are you trying to save the marriage because you are scared of life without her or because you realize how much you love your wife?

Are you willing to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life?

Edited October 2, 2020 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

On 9/25/2020 at 7:09 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

If you're gonna confess, then you need to be ready for the full devastation brought on by the confession. What strikes me is that the OP felt so guilty that he confessed--out of his own feelings. OP would have done better to get to a counselor and work through the ramifications of confessing. I think honesty is usually best, but I don't think confessing every discretion is helpful--especially in a case like this ... where it's less about the relationship damage brought on by the affair--and more about the OP's guilt.

Basically had the OP thought this through, he could have predicted that he would be where he is right now--and exactly how his wife would react--and he could have been ready.  Instead, the confession seems like an impulsive act---not though through--just like the affair.

OP: How did you think your wife would react? And how did you think you would feel? 

OP, are you scared of talking bluntly to your wife about the marriage? ... of course you are now, but before now?

BTW: I'm trying to think off the top of my head. But I can say a lot--maybe most of the people in miserable marriages I know of--had affairs. Not all, but many for sure. 

 

 

 

So cheating on your spouse is ok from your point of view if your in a miserable relationship/marriage. I can understand why you would not tell your SO. That way you can cheat again when you felt the need. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Cheating is not OK. But lots of good people, people who never imagine themselves having affairs, underestimate how vulnerable they are to an affair if they are in a miserable marriage. My take is get out of the miserable marriage. But there are people who just try to close their eyes and pretend all is well. And yes, affairs often ensue. Any marriage counselor will tell you this.

Given the severe guilt the OP feels, it's clear he's not a bad guy. But he was out of touch with things.

Reminds me of a really sharp friend of mine. He had a coworker who he had flirtatious conversations with ... he didn't intend that ... but he just had chemistry with this coworker. My friend is happily married (for the most part) and as soon as he realized the conversations with this woman were getting flirtatious, he clammed up and pulled back and ended those conversations. He saw the affair handwriting on the wall ... and cut it off, long before he was out to dinner with this woman ... or on a trip with this woman. 

That's the other part of the problem with the OP's actions. He ignored that this flirtatiousness was building with a coworker. 

Edited October 2, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[Prudence V]

On 9/26/2020 at 12:35 PM, jdubya3 said:

I'm living back with my mum, and am still working hard to secure a new job. I've had 3 interviews this week, so fingers crossed 

Any luck? 

[pepperbird2]

op,

I may be way off, but I'm getting a different take.
It sounds very much to me like the first incident was fuelled by alcohol. That doesn't excuse it, but I wouldn't read a whole lot more into it than that.
The next time?
What were you thinking when you made plans to go to the hotel? How did you feel? Do you think it was just a sexual thing or was there more? Was it an expression of your dissatisfaction with your marriage or was it something else?

If you want to reconcile, I'm not sure, at least at this point, how helpful it is to begin to lay any blame at your wife's feet. You're going to independent counselling, so explore why you made the choices you did there. Also really look into ways you could help bring whatever you feel is lacking into the marriage. If you and your wife do reconcile, think of it like triage. If you went to the hospital with the symptoms of a heart attack, the priority to treat that emergency. Once things are stable the "whys" can be investigated and addressed, given the time and attention they deserve.

I did want to give you a tip of the hat for telling your wife. Hopefully, the two of you can work through this, and even if you don't, you will still be able to walk away with some real positives.
 

[pepperbird2]

On 10/2/2020 at 2:21 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Cheating is not OK. But lots of good people, people who never imagine themselves having affairs, underestimate how vulnerable they are to an affair if they are in a miserable marriage. My take is get out of the miserable marriage. But there are people who just try to close their eyes and pretend all is well. And yes, affairs often ensue. Any marriage counselor will tell you this.

Given the severe guilt the OP feels, it's clear he's not a bad guy. But he was out of touch with things.

Reminds me of a really sharp friend of mine. He had a coworker who he had flirtatious conversations with ... he didn't intend that ... but he just had chemistry with this coworker. My friend is happily married (for the most part) and as soon as he realized the conversations with this woman were getting flirtatious, he clammed up and pulled back and ended those conversations. He saw the affair handwriting on the wall ... and cut it off, long before he was out to dinner with this woman ... or on a trip with this woman. 

That's the other part of the problem with the OP's actions. He ignored that this flirtatiousness was building with a coworker. 

 interesting how " we weren't having sex but otherwise, things were okay" gets turned around to "you were miserable" by others who aren't even the OP.

[mark clemson]

Well, here are some things OP wrote

On 9/24/2020 at 1:50 PM, jdubya3 said:

We have a very tactile relationship but the physical side has been lacking for a long time. We have brushed over it and never sought help to allow us to understand the reasons why. We have tried to discuss it over the years but it never gets anywhere.

I appreciate, in hindsight, that we should have taken our lack of Intimacy a lot more seriously, and I would really like to try and explore that with my W if she allows it.

 

On 9/25/2020 at 8:26 AM, jdubya3 said:

This has crossed my mind, but I don't think I've been brave enough to face it. We are very close and tactile, but the physical side has been lacking for such a long time. I've tried to address it on a few occasions, but it never goes anywhere.

"Miserable" might be one interpretation. "Happy overall except for the sexual part" might be another. He did stick with the marriage, so that is a fair point. For myself, I feel it's clear his needs weren't being fully met. There are of course degrees of how unhappy that might make one feel, which vary by person.