Facebook monitoring - Is this reasonable?

[skeeter2008]

Hi, I am new here and I am wondering how others would feel about this situation.

My wife and I have been married for over 15 years and together for almost twenty. We have never had issues with infidelity in our marriage but my wife tends to be on  the insecure side when it comes to me and other women. My closest friends have always been men but I have also had a few close female friends that have come and gone throughout the years. 

Anyway, as a I mentioned, there has never been infidelity but we did have a situation about a year ago in which one of my close female friends started going  through a divorce and my wife, reasonably I think, wanted me to back off of the friendship a bit. My friend happens to be extremely attractive so  I know my wife was not cool with me spending time with an attractive woman who is going through a lot of emotional turmoil and probably a bit lonely. Anyway, now my wife has started monitoring, and scrutinizing, every interaction I have with my friend on Facebook.

About six months ago my wife accepted a friend request that my friend had sent her like ten years ago. She started freaking out every time I liked any of my friend's posts and any time she liked my posts. She was  also convinced that when we're both on-line we were communicating and we rarely ever communicated through Facebook. Ultimately, I ended up un-following my friend and restricting her but I now feel like this is a bit much. The fact is that my wife is actually following my friend and seeing all of her stuff and they are not friends.

Am I wrong to irritated about this?

 

Edited September 24, 2020 by skeeter2008

[schlumpy]

I only have a few thoughts.

Have you done anything in the past that would make your wife this paranoid? I know you said no infidelity but have there been "intense" friendships over social media that would make her suspicious?

If not, then has she always been this suspicious? Does she call you out for looking at an attractive women when you are socializing or having dinner at a restaurant? Does she make coy comments about you and other women then play it off as joking or teasing.

It just seems to me that suspicion isn't something that suddenly appears without a cause unless it was present throughout the marriage.

My next thought is that she is suspicious from experience. She is projecting on to you something that she has done in the past. I'm not saying this is true but it is something you will have to consider.

I would offer her full access to whatever I write. 

[hippychick3]

I think there’s way more to this story than what’s been told. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, skeeter2008 said:

one of my close female friends started going  through a divorce and my wife, reasonably I think, wanted me to back off of the friendship a bit.

You haven't backed off the friendship...at all. Emotional affairs are slipper slopes and you need to decide what's preferable to you. An expensive divorce, the expensive 'marriage therapy' ultimatum or your FB friend. 

Edited September 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

Trouble is that divorce tends to be contagious.
One couple splits up and suddenly others do the same.
Your wife is trying to save her marriage by cutting off this woman who is a loose cannon and capable of anything and who is a huge threat to her well being,  and you seem hell bent on destroying  your marriage...
Why is that?

[central]

Your wife is insecure and paranoid, but your friend is in a place where she could cross a line even if you would not.  I guess you have to decide what's more important - keeping your friend or keeping your insecure wife?  I understand your irritation, though.  If your marriage isn't great, then this is a good reason to end it.  If it is good, then it's worth preserving, even at the cost of a friendship.

Different people will respond differently to such situations.  My wife would encourage me to be a good friend and would probably reach out as well.  She's very secure and not worried that I'd screw up our relationship.

[skeeter2008]

1 hour ago, schlumpy said:

Have you done anything in the past that would make your wife this paranoid? I know you said no infidelity but have there been "intense" friendships over social media that would make her suspicious?

No, nothing happened before to make my wife suspicious although she did tell me, which she had never mentioned before, that it did bug her when I hung out with my friend she just really didn't worry about it because I was open and she was in a happy marriage, or so we thought.

[skeeter2008]

20 minutes ago, central said:

Your wife is insecure and paranoid, but your friend is in a place where she could cross a line even if you would not.  I guess you have to decide what's more important - keeping your friend or keeping your insecure wife?  I understand your irritation, though.  If your marriage isn't great, then this is a good reason to end it.  If it is good, then it's worth preserving, even at the cost of a friendship.

My number one priority is keeping my wife happy, which is why I have done the things I have done, however, it just seems a bit silly that I can't have any interaction with someone I am closer to than 90% of the people I am friends with on Facebook. I also think since I have cut off virtually every direct form of communication with her to make my wife happy me liking one of my friend's posts, or her liking one of mine, once in a while is not a big deal.  This is all out in the open and neither myself, nor my friend, post inappropriate things on Facebook. I personally view liking, and occasionally, commenting on people's posts as just a way of acknowledging friends you care about that you perhaps don't have as much contact with. 

As I said above, it just kind of irks me, and makes no sense, that my wife can follow my friend on Facebook when they're not really friends and yet I can't? It feels like this is more of a control thing than anything else.

[Mystery4u]

1 hour ago, skeeter2008 said:

one of my close female friends

Why do you even have a 'close female friend'??

You are married. Your wife should be your closest and best female friend. Sure have male and female friends, but the fact you refer to this one as a 'close' friend I don't think is right.

How would you feel if your wife had a 'close male friend'?

[ExpatInItaly]

What’s your friendship like with this woman offline, OP?

How often do you communicate with her or see her? You say you’re closer to her than most others on your FB so I am guessing your wife is/was more threatened by your friendship with her in real-life than anything else. 

Can you clarify?

[d0nnivain]

This is where social media causes more problems then it solves.  It makes insecure paranoid people suspect things without a real basis.   I think your wife is smart to keep an eye on this friendship of yours with an attractive divorcee.  Your friend is attractive & emotionally needy, whether she knows it or not.  In your effort to support her even with the purest of intentions, it really is a very slippery slope, especially if alcohol becomes involved.  At the very least you need to assure your wife that you will never be alone with this woman, no matter what.  

One of  the things I have done to foster transparency, is copy the opposite sex friend's SO & my DH on messages.  It's all above board that way.  At this point because I'm more chatty my husband prefers to be removed.  But there was a woman co-worker of his who made my blood boil.  Ironically she went out of her way to reassure me while DH's behavior was dreadful.  We were newly married & he just didn't see why it was a problem.  The woman knew exactly why I was atomic & did her best to discourage & redirect DH while maintaining the professional connection they needed to get their jobs done.  Later in hindsight DH finally came to understand what it looked like from my perspective.  

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, skeeter2008 said:

that my wife can follow my friend on Facebook when they're not really friends and yet I can't?

Lol, she's following You, not your friend.

[mark clemson]

Since your wife perceives her as a threat and you have other friends, no harm in letting her go, but lots of potential harm in staying friends. I would accept that in my own marriage. You don't have to formally end the friendship IMO, just slow fade.

Based on what you've written so far:  if this escalates to a "monitor your every move" regime on the part of your wife, I think THAT is inappropriate (for a non-BS). IF that happens, consider some MC to work through her issues. It's ok to be an open book but also ask why an unwarranted degree of monitoring is "needed" (since it's not).

I actually doubt this will happen. The reason is I think a true perpetually insecure person would have made a fuss over any/all female friends a long time ago. For this one friend, there is clearly a legitimate reason to feel some level of threat and so not completely unreasonable for her to take some preemptive action JIC.

But -  IF this is the start of some sort of downward spiral of paranoia on your wife's part, better to start addressing it sooner rather than later IMO.

Edited September 24, 2020 by mark clemson

[d0nnivain]

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think a true perpetually insecure person would have made a fuss over any/all female friends a long time ago. For this one friend, there is clearly a legitimate reason to feel some level of threat and so not completely unreasonable for her to take some preemptive action JIC

Ding.  Ding.  Ding.  Exactly!

If this one woman is the only woman in your lives that is making your wife batty, your wife sees a threat you are ignoring or minimizing.  Continue to do that at your own peril.  

If it's every opposite sex friend, then it's your wife's problem  

[MsJayne]

Given that your friend sent your wife a friend request ten years ago and she ignored it, that tells me your wife didn't like your friend then and she likes her even less now.  Women know other women much better than men do, and maybe you should take that on board and accept that your wife senses there's something off about this friend.  You wouldn't see it because she's attractive and many men tend to be blind to unpleasant personality traits if they're fronted by a pretty face, especially superficiality. On the other hand, your wife may be jealous of the friend, but if your wife felt secure in your relationship she wouldn't have this problem. I once had a partner who used to have lots of female friends, some I liked, some I couldn't stand, but if I said anything against any of them, (like for instance the one who used to only drop in to see him when I wasn't around), he'd jump to their defence and make me out to be a jealous harridan. But I was always right about them, every single time. He's 67, divorced, lonely, and depressed now. His last wife left him because she got sick of the fact that he was more interested in, and considerate and caring towards, his female friends than he was to her. 

[schlumpy]

9 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

 He's 67, divorced, lonely, and depressed now. His last wife left him because she got sick of the fact that he was more interested in, and considerate and caring towards, his female friends than he was to her. 

Hmmm.......

It all sounds so ominous.

 

[ajequals]

Man to. Man.  close you FB account. problem solved. 

[Dork Vader]

I think there is probably more going on here then meets the eye. We can speculate endlessly about what might be really going on. How ever speculation is not going to do anyone any good in this type of situation. 

I can understand mild insecurity towards the divorcee. I can also understand setting and maintaining reasonably boundaries with the divorcee. But here is the big issue I see with all of this. You likely have had other opportunities to cheat and likely have been exposed to other loose cannons. Yet, did NOT cheat, this situation might be mildly different because it is a close friend. How ever the fact remains, if you were going to cheat on her it likely would have happened a long time ago. Toss in that before the divorce even happened, the divorcee was probably lonely and available.

Have you sat down with your wife and talked about these insecurities that are coming up? Trying to get at the root of what's suddenly causing them? How you as a couple can work through it? I would not argue about it but just have a casual conversation. Perhaps say you're worried about her and the anxiety she is having towards platonic friendships you have. That is personally what I have done when I have been in relationships and insecurities pop up. When you're discussing the insecurities as a couple, really focus on whether or not there is any validity and rationale to the insecurities. If you discover things that are valid rational reasons for her feel insecure then correct those. 

If that does not work, if the problems persist then it might be time to seek out an LMFT who can help guide you through this.

Edited September 25, 2020 by Dork Vader

[Caauug]

8 hours ago, schlumpy said:

My next thought is that she is suspicious from experience. She is projecting on to you something that she has done in the past. I'm not saying this is true but it is something you will have to consider.

^^^^^ Do not discard this idea.... Blame shifting is widely used.... I would take a very close look at your wife's history, on-line and real life. 

[skeeter2008]

16 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Why do you even have a 'close female friend'??

You are married. Your wife should be your closest and best female friend. Sure have male and female friends, but the fact you refer to this one as a 'close' friend I don't think is right.

How would you feel if your wife had a 'close male friend'?

Interesting question. This is where  I think people have different views on friendship and my feeling is that if you can't have close friends of both sexes you are essentially eliminating over half of the population.

I know some people really believe you can't have close friends of the gender you prefer when you're in a serious relationship but this  about transparency, trust and setting boundaries. 

Edited September 25, 2020 by skeeter2008

[skeeter2008]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Lol, she's following You, not your friend.

True!🤣

[skeeter2008]

15 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Ding.  Ding.  Ding.  Exactly!

If this one woman is the only woman in your lives that is making your wife batty, your wife sees a threat you are ignoring or minimizing.  Continue to do that at your own peril.  

If it's every opposite sex friend, then it's your wife's problem  

Well, this woman became an "issue" once she started going through her divorce but she has always been a bit insecure about other women. I think part of this has to do with the fact that my job, prior to Coronavirus, was doing sales where I traveled a lot and interacted with some pretty high level professional women. I also think, to a lesser extent, it's because I have a hobby where I interact with a lot of people, including a women. My wife doesn't work, doesn't have many friends, or hobbies, so I think this sometimes heightens her worries.

[skeeter2008]

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What’s your friendship like with this woman offline, OP?

How often do you communicate with her or see her? You say you’re closer to her than most others on your FB so I am guessing your wife is/was more threatened by your friendship with her in real-life than anything else. 

Can you clarify?

Prior to Coronavirus I was probably seeing her maybe once a month for coffee and we were communicating via text, and phone, about once a week - this was all in the open in front of my wife.

I have literally not had any direct communication with her in about three months. I no longer follow her on FB, or Instagram, and I started restricting my posts because my wife would pitch a fit every time my friend liked one, which was maybe once a week because she's not a massive FB user. 

But my "issue", and thing I am trying to figure out, is where is the line between a partner having legitimate things to be jealous about, and boundaries they want set, versus them getting into controlling you and making you responsible for their own insecurities. I think if a husband friended one of his wife's good male friends and then told her that she had to un-follow him and started getting mad every time he liked one of her posts to the point where she had to restrict her friend there might be a different view on this.

I also am of the belief that people do what they want to do. One would have to be extremely naive to think that restricting your partner's friends on Facebook is going to stop them from cheating on you. I would rather see everything on Social Media and I would be more worried about new "friends" that pop up on their profile not someone they have an established relationship that they have a "million" different ways to contact.

[d0nnivain]

Can you encourage your wife to get a life, friends, a job, hobbies . . anything?  If you are her whole world of course she's scared you might disappear.  She has nothing else.  

[central]

I think you need to have a conversation with your wife about this, and set some boundaries of your own.  Your wife has become a stalker, essentially.  The bottom line is to decide what's healthy, and what's good for your marriage long term, and that includes deciding if the marriage is healthy and worth while preserving.  In your shoes, if the the marriage is really good otherwise, I'd let this go.  If not, I'd contact my friend, ask her to unfriend your wife, and then I'd unfriend your wife as well.  I'd continue the friendship and tell my wife that I had good boundaries before, and will maintain them going forward, and that her lack of trust is harming your relationship.  But that's me, and I'd be able to move on if necessary.