Painful break up. can't cope.

[JellyBin]

My boyfriend of 7 years has been living in another country for 1 and a half years now, he's due to come back early next year and we would settle down in our home country. Early this week, he told me he decided he wanted a career there and to stay there permanently. The only way he sees a future with us together is if I leave everything behind here and join him. I have a very stable high paying job that I wish to keep as I still have many commitments(bank loans mostly) here. Going there also means that I have to leave my highly professional job and probably do some labour job there. Aside from that, I do like the country and do wish one day I'll be able to afford retirement there. Now's just not the right time to leave. 

So he wants us to stay on good terms as friends for now but I'm really not sure if that's good for me. I can't deal with the hurt he's caused me when he decided not to come back as promised. He keeps reassuring me that nothing has changed, not his feelings, nothing but our relationship status. He just doesn't want to tie me down anymore so that I may consider new relationships here. If things do work out in the next few years for him, he wishes he can help me to go over too and we will then have a fruitful relationship. He still insists we separate for now though.

Now all this is still very raw for me and I have literally no friends to talk to. I don't know what to do. I've had another serious relationship where I ended up getting cheated on, I went on absolute NC. With him, things have been discussed properly and he still wants to talk and makes sure I'm okay. I can't block him out. But I'm hurting so badly now.

 

[Maldives]

Firstly absolutely normal to feel the way you are feeling and it does hurt.

My counselor shared this with me recently hopefully it may help you. 

I have trust issues because of past relationships ie one being cheated on. Her advice to me was this...to expect someone else to meet all our expectations and put all our trust in them and expect they'll follow thru is unrealistic. She went on to say they are only human themselves. I donno why but that really made a lot of sense to me. It made me realise part of my trust issues were expecting someone to meet all those expectations. How could they. Most struggle understanding what is happening in there own head. 

That kinda lifted a load off my shoulders. 

My marriage deteriated for a similar reason. We both had different paths goals I really wanted to move interstate she wanted to stay put and start a family. The pull was so strong it broke us in two. That is what is happening here. And nothing wrong with your path but he has decided his path is there. When I gave my path up for my wife at the time I was bitter and blamed her. You don't want that. This is just one of those things that happen in life you are on different paths

 

Edited September 25, 2020 by Goodguy05

[schlumpy]

First off do not give up all your security and move to another country for love without full knowledge of the culture and what your status would be as a non-citizen. I've read too many threads of women who have done exactly what you are contemplating and it did not turn out well for them. It is never a good move to enter a relationship without your own resources. Your value becomes much less to the SO which will be revealed over time.

It's obvious that he wants to separate because he wants to date other women without concern for you. That he thinks you will wait for him and come running when he calls tells me that you are in love with him much, much more then he is in love with you. That's a huge disadvantage for you and will encourage you to make decisions that are not in your best interest. 

Please accept his desire to breakup and then go dark on him. His proposal for your future should not be acceptable to you.

Take time to Grieve your relationship and then it's one foot in front of the other. 

Get lost in work and further your career or if you desire company join meet up groups that share your interests. Even if you don't meet anyone special you will certainly make a few friends. Be aware of the people you do meet. Be open and friendly and I think you will have a new beau that you can interact with in person.

Drop your SO like a bad habit, and I predict a full recovery and a positive future.

[d0nnivain]

His statement that he wants to stay friends is a bit of a white lie.  It means there are no hard feelings & he's open to leaving the door open assuming the logistics ever work out.  It doesn't mean you stay actively in touch talking about your day etc.  It also means that you are both single & free to meet other people.  

It sucks but it shows you two are on different paths.  You walked together for a long while -- 7 years -- but now your paths are diverging.  Let him go.  Stay where you are.  Build a different life for yourself.  First step:  make some friends.  

[JellyBin]

Thank you for the replies.

Now that my head is clearer, I don't think I will leave my job for another country that I can't even read and write the language in. I had an impulsive moment for that, but it has passed now.

However, still can't bring myself to block him, have suggested to him that it's either sticking together or end things completely. He's convinced me that we can still be on temporary separation until things work out or I find new life myself. He told me he's not actively looking to date other people, the sole reason he wants us to break for now is due to his career and the uncertainties that come with it. 

There is really no drama here to make me cut him off completely like what happened in my previous relationship.

All he has been for me(even now) is showing very deep care and love and that hurts even more.

[schlumpy]

8 minutes ago, JellyBin said:

All he has been for me(even now) is showing very deep care and love and that hurts even more.

He must be quite charming.

People in love stay together. How much effort has he made to stay near you? How much effort is it taking me to type these words?

Is he showing you "deep care and love" with words or is he arranging his life so that you can be together? Is there a plan where you don't sacrifice everything? There is a difference. You need to recognize that.

You will never move on if you remain in contact with him. 

[d0nnivain]

You don't have to block him but put him on pause so you are not automatically seeing his posts.  You can still see his stuff if you affirmatively look for it but it's not in your face 

Maybe purchase bable or Rosetta stone to learn the language.  

Give yourself time to adjust to the new normal whatever that is

[TeddyBundy1993]

Aahh long distance relationship are not that easy too handle. And sometimes frustration leads to what has happened with you.  7 years is a very long time so needless to say a lot of feelings by you have been invested to make matters worst he all of a sudden  pull the trigger. I feel sorry for you,  and yeah next few months gonna be painful for you as you have to deal with this harsh reality. Your ex clearly wants to move on by keeping tab on you open, or there is a possibility he has already met someone in that country. 

But you have to overlook at all this possibilities as of now. Giving up all together on your job, home country isnt a wise decision. And as it has been mentioned above have lead to disaster. I personally know such a women and in addition myself dated a women from another country who decided to walk away bcz of my culture and lifestyle. In some way break was inevitable. It was just matter of time. And yeahh they always give this lame excuses while leaving same old bulls*** of career, friendship and so on. Clearly dear you are not in a healthy mental state to be his "friend". You are hurting and now you have to adjust in a life where he is not around you. Please completely stop talking to him. Yeahh this is tough initially but I assure you, in a while you'll feel better and more independent. He has gone to explore more, so should you but in a while before that you heal. Feel yourself and move on. It's sad that it will hurt for a while, as mentioned you have very less friends so this is the time to get new hobby or make friends. Socializing gonna help. Take one day at a time slowly.  

[Sunnyzwei1989]

LDRs are tough.  I’ve been in a few of them.  Even if you love one another sometimes it’s just not enough to overcome the distance.  I think it takes a certain type of person to be able to weather a LDR especially if you’re young.

 

i was in one for a couple of years in college and it was tough, I don’t think either of us were experienced enough to handle it and although we were really in love we wanted companionship locally.  Sometimes love  isn’t enough.

i was in another one in my late 30s early 40s and it was easier for ME.  But my ex was the type to need someone locally to be with and he ended up emotionally cheating on me.  I was devastated and for months I seriously mourned that breakup.  Cried every day, whined to my sister via email all day long for weeks.  

And what made it Extra tough for me to move on is that my ex wanted to stay friends too.  He would call or text about once a week and I would find myself consumed with waiting on his calls/texts every minute of every day after the last contact.  And every time we would chat it would set my “getting over him clock” back to zero and it was like I just broke up with him that day.  After a couple of months of that i realized that any contact with him was holding me back from getting over him so I started blocking his calls and texts.  But I forgot to block email so after blocking him for weeks he reached out to me to ask why I was ignoring him and I told him that It may be easy for him to talk to me but For me every time we talked or texted it was painful and it kept me from healing.  He completely understood.  I blocked him for a few more months til one day I was finally able to go weeks without thinking of him and not feel like someone kicked me in the gut.  And after that we we were able to chat and talk and I didn’t feel anything for him.  I knew the feelings were gone when he came to visit me about a 18 months after our breakup and when I laid eyes on him I felt NOTHING.  And I knew he came to visit to “feel things out” with me but he didn’t get what he wanted.  
 

sorry that was long but just wanted to say you should probably block him for a while until you are really able to be friends with him.  You can explain to him why and if he really cares he should understand.

[Caauug]

On 9/25/2020 at 12:20 PM, JellyBin said:

My boyfriend of 7 years has been living in another country for 1 and a half years now, he's due to come back early next year and we would settle down in our home country. Early this week, he told me he decided he wanted a career there and to stay there permanently.

You have invested 7 yrs in him and 1 1/2 yrs were LDR. That's a long time as the LDR was at the end of it. That's gotta hurt!!!

On the other hand: Good on him for changing countries and going after a career, he must have really wanted a change.

On 9/25/2020 at 12:20 PM, JellyBin said:

So he wants us to stay on good terms as friends for now but I'm really not sure if that's good for me. I can't deal with the hurt he's caused me when he decided not to come back as promised. He keeps reassuring me that nothing has changed, not his feelings, nothing but our relationship status. He just doesn't want to tie me down anymore so that I may consider new relationships here. If things do work out in the next few years for him, he wishes he can help me to go over too and we will then have a fruitful relationship. He still insists we separate for now though.

Maybe his feelings were not that strong to begin with? More people change countries to be with someone special, not to get way from someone special..... 

He wants to stay on good terms? Leave the door open to pull you back into his life. How long? This is more of a female trick keep ex as orbiter and monkey branching off to someone new.... Whatever, but how does keeping ties with him benefit you?

If you are younger and still want/need to get married and have kids, this is not going to help. 

On 9/25/2020 at 10:03 PM, JellyBin said:

Now that my head is clearer, I don't think I will leave my job for another country that I can't even read and write the language in. I had an impulsive moment for that, but it has passed now.

Very good....

On 9/25/2020 at 10:03 PM, JellyBin said:

All he has been for me(even now) is showing very deep care and love and that hurts even more.

He has broken up with you that is NOT showing you very deep care and/or love..... He might be talking it but he's not showing it....

It's time to look after yourself, and heal. Focus on what you want in your life and concentrate on reaching those goals. 

[JellyBin]

Had a breakdown yesterday while driving home from work. Later at night, I had a talk with him again. He said if he's hurting me more being friends, he was willing to leave me alone. 

Again he reassured me nothing has changed, just wanted to set me free while the future is still uncertain for him. Said he still loves me the same and asked if I still do too and I said yes.

Somehow I felt better. I told him that I would still visit once borders reopen. He just needs to let me crash at his place to save some money on hotel and he doesn't have to spend time with me but he said that's crazy, that I didn't even have to ask, he will make sure he's available to be with me the whole time I'm there. And we can still cuddle like we used to, do all the things we always do. 

I just don't understand. He doesn't seem to be ready to let me go, everytime I bring up moving on, he will say that our break up only changed our status, everything is the same. He believes that if we truly love each other, we will still end up together when circumstances allow and when it happens, we will be inseparable. But right now, he insists that his future career has to come first.

Should I still remain friends? Being able to talk to him also takes away alot of my anxiety. I was anxious the whole day when I decided not to reply him.

[Wiseman2]

No, don't stay friends. He moved on and most likely is dating locally.

You need to stop contacting him for reassurance. He is feeding you a lot of double talk.

No don't visit him and claim you'll sleep with him. And don't just mention that to see how he responds.

The longer you hang on like this, the more you will hurt yourself and waste time. He's moved on mentally, emotionally, physically and geographically. You need to reflect on what you want for your own future.

 

[schlumpy]

It it certainly up to you. It's your life you know.

Let's read this as him being altruistic.

He still has good feelings about you but he wants to have a good time where he is at without guilt. So he trying to break-off with the least amount of hurt for you. He agrees to things you say like visiting knowing that they won't happen.

I expect he will fade very soon and communication will become sporadic unless he's feeling lonely.

Moods do take you now and then.

[JellyBin]

How do I move past all the happy memories we have together? It hurts so much everytime I come to realise we won't have such moments together anymore. 

I know I have to move on, but the thought itself feels like I'm betraying him. I know that's very stupid but we sort of made an agreement to keep the possibility of getting back together next year open. Both of us are stuck where we are anyway due to the pandemic.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/28/2020 at 1:24 PM, JellyBin said:

I told him that I would still visit once borders reopen. He just needs to let me crash at his place to save some money on hotel and he doesn't have to spend time with me but he said that's crazy, that I didn't even have to ask, he will make sure he's available to be with me the whole time I'm there. And we can still cuddle like we used to, do all the things we always do. 

This is a really bad idea if you two are not together. It will be terribly painful to have to turn around and leave, still as his ex-girlfriend. 

Don't stay friends right now, and don't visit him when the border re-open. It hurts like hell, I know, but you need to take real time and space away from him. 

[ajequals]

This Is tearing you apart. You need to do what's best for you and cut him loose. He made his decision. It's terrible how he didn't discuss this and tell you what he was thinking of doing months ago

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, JellyBin said:

We sort of made an agreement to keep the possibility of getting back together next year open.

No. This is called stringing someone along.

You need to drop him 100% and cease all communication.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

That's the only way to move forward and stop hurting.

[Acacia98]

6 hours ago, JellyBin said:

How do I move past all the happy memories we have together? It hurts so much everytime I come to realise we won't have such moments together anymore. 

I know I have to move on, but the thought itself feels like I'm betraying him. I know that's very stupid but we sort of made an agreement to keep the possibility of getting back together next year open. Both of us are stuck where we are anyway due to the pandemic.

Your guy should have done one of two things. He should have completely ended things with you, leaving no room for "hope" or gray areas. Alternatively, he should have done everything he reasonably could to maintain your relationship, only throwing the towel in if and when it became unsustainable. Instead, he essentially wants to maintain the nice relationshipy bits of your connection but not the actual responsibility of being in a full-fledged relationship with you. And if you comply, you will ultimately hate him. Because he will periodically pop out of the woodwork when he needs that emotional boost you give him then disappear again, leaving you feeling used and heartbroken and having to start the recovery process again.

Moving past the good memories is not something you can do overnight. It's gonna take time and a few stages before you can get to that point. Baby steps first: go no contact with him. That will give you room to get over the initial shock and try and make sense of what is happening at your own pace. You are going to be in a lot of pain initially. But it will eventually get better if you give yourself a chance (go NC).

Edited October 1, 2020 by Acacia98

[stillafool]

I agree that you shouldn't have told him you were still coming there if he broke up with you.  It will be painful for you because you will be wanting to get back together and his decision was very clear. I agree about the double talk to keep from hurting you but it is time for you to move on with you life.  If he contacts you next year and wants to come back you can then make that decision.  He is going to date other women and he knows it.  You don't want to get caught up in that so it's best to stop contact with him now.

[kendahke]

On 9/25/2020 at 10:03 AM, JellyBin said:

He's convinced me that we can still be on temporary separation until things work out or I find new life myself.

Unconvince yourself of that. No--either he's in the relationship with you or he isn't. He's asking you to put your youth in limbo (for exactly how long?) while he does his thing out of your eyesight. He chose to break up with you; therefore he no longer gets the boyfriend perk of placing his priority at the top of your priority list.

Quote

He told me he's not actively looking to date other people, the sole reason he wants us to break for now is due to his career and the uncertainties that come with it. 

Well of course he's going to say that... he's trying to get you to go along with his agenda.

He knows what your job is about, how much it pays and how it's not transferable to his country--so him asking you to chuck all of that to go to a menial labor job paying you a fraction of what you're earning now is astounding on its face.

There is no such thing as a break.  You're either in a relationship or you aren't.

And he is dating other women--else this whole "let's take a break" conversation wouldn't have even taken place if he wasn't or wasn't about to chase someone else...he'd have kept on with how things already are right now.

Edited October 2, 2020 by kendahke