Pathetic and coping

[Songbird4]

I want to start off by mentioning that I’m venting. I already know I’m weak. I already know what I should do. I already know my issues with abandonment and co-dependency is crippling logical reasoning. 

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. The therapist I had started showing covert inappropriateness so I stopped seeing him. Covid has made new appt difficult. 
 

recap, of what I’ve posted in the past...

married 15 years, 4 kids. Husband has had emotional affairs for 15 years. Last affair was in oct 2019. Every time I caught him I had a gut feeling, checked his phone and there it was. The first 10 years he was emotionally neglectful, verbally abusive, would gaslight etc.  

Why did I stay? My dads a narcissist, my mom puts no effort into having a relationship with me. My in laws could care less about me. Husbands mother is a passive aggressive women who’s always treated me badly and husband allowed it. I had no one. I was always home taking care of the kids while trying to get through school. Finally after 15 years of working so damn hard, getting a degree in behavioral science, I’m working towards my nursing. At this time, I’m doing school and have no personal income. Fighting him in court would ruin my kids. I suffer in silence for them.

My mental health is really bad. I take meds and vitamins but I’m reckless inside. Recently  We’ve gone to nudist resorts and had a threesome. I do NOT know what’s wrong with me! Maybe I’d rather know he’s doing it instead of it being behind my back. Maybe I don’t care anymore or maybe I’ve lost my damn mind. 
 

Here’s the worst part... during the threesome I told him to have sex with the women. In my damaged mind I expected him to say no and choose me. It was a test I guess. He chose to f*ck her. Yes, I know I’m pretty much insane. Maybe that’s what 15 years of betrayal and abuse does to someone. I don’t know forward for backwards. 
 

I’m not planning to leave. I wouldn’t trust another man at least not for a while. I need my career set and I need to be strategic about it. I love him but love isn’t enough. I feel cold. 
 

Thanks for reading. 
 Please no bashing. I do that to myself enough already.

 

Edited September 25, 2020 by Songbird4
Added stuff

[d0nnivain]

I'm not bashing you but somewhere in here you have to accept that you are making bad choices.  You chose to have 4 kids with him.  Based on what you wrote, you knew things were bad after kid 1.  You chose to go to the nudist resort.  You chose to give him permission to have sex with somebody else.  Now you are choosing to keep going to school rather than work because you want to be a nurse.  You can get a nursing license in like 1.5 years.  You didn't need the BA up front & certainly not in the major you chose.  

You make bad decisions.  You are choosing to trap yourself in this mess.  You do that because change is scary & better the devil you know then the unknown.  I get it & I've done it.  But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over but expecting different results.  When you are ready to fix this, you will find the strength to do something different.  

If you have never worked outside the marriage, you may be entitled to rehabilitative alimony for some period of time until you can get a job.  The kids are entitled to child support.  Consult an attorney.  I suspect there may be a financial way out until you can support yourself & your kids as a nurse.  Talk to a lawyer.  

While you are still married can you get some free babysitting out of your mom or your MIL, no matter how problematic so you can earn some money.  All sorts of places are hiring at above minimum wage -- WalMart, local grocery stores, Amazon.  Do something to get an income.  You may also want to speak to any placement counselors at where ever you got your behavioral science degree or where you are getting your nursing degree.  There have to be jobs open in those fields during this pandemic.  

Also make some S.M.A.R.T. goals specific measurable attainable realistic & timely to figure out the action steps you need to change what is not working in your life.  Shut out the white noise that is your gaslighting husband.  Let his EA partners have him while you plot your departure.  You know you can't stay.  So what are you doing to get out? 

Can you avail yourself of what ever mental health services your nursing program offers so you can garner strength?  

Edited September 25, 2020 by d0nnivain

[Ellener]

8 hours ago, Songbird4 said:

I had no one.

Yes you do- you have yourself, which is all any of us really have.

Love yourself and then love others as you love yourself.

Louise Hay has some great videos on YouTube about self-care. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself 'I love you and I am going to take care of you'. 

The past is gone, what you have is the present moment, and because you are a parent everything you do is an example to shape another life. Including learning from your mistakes.

Break things down, I've been where you are at and survived. I was in the US on a dependent visa when my husband told me 'I am going to take your child away and have you deported!' 

I found my strength in that moment, told him 'you do what you have to do, you'll have to live with it later' and he backed down, he paid me alimony until my son was 18 even though it's not a legal requirement here. I drew up the divorce papers myself. 

My son is still a bit angry with me for those times, but we speak or text almost every day and he ends every conversation with 'I love you'. 

You are where you're at and all you can do now is move forward. Sending you love and well-wishes for your journey.

 

 

 

 

[Songbird4]

On 9/25/2020 at 5:06 AM, d0nnivain said:

I'm not bashing you but somewhere in here you have to accept that you are making bad choices.  You chose to have 4 kids with him.  Based on what you wrote, you knew things were bad after kid 1.  You chose to go to the nudist resort.  You chose to give him permission to have sex with somebody else.  Now you are choosing to keep going to school rather than work because you want to be a nurse.  You can get a nursing license in like 1.5 years.  You didn't need the BA up front & certainly not in the major you chose.  

You make bad decisions.  You are choosing to trap yourself in this mess.  You do that because change is scary & better the devil you know then the unknown.  I get it & I've done it.  But the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over but expecting different results.  When you are ready to fix this, you will find the strength to do something different.  

If you have never worked outside the marriage, you may be entitled to rehabilitative alimony for some period of time until you can get a job.  The kids are entitled to child support.  Consult an attorney.  I suspect there may be a financial way out until you can support yourself & your kids as a nurse.  Talk to a lawyer.  

While you are still married can you get some free babysitting out of your mom or your MIL, no matter how problematic so you can earn some money.  All sorts of places are hiring at above minimum wage -- WalMart, local grocery stores, Amazon.  Do something to get an income.  You may also want to speak to any placement counselors at where ever you got your behavioral science degree or where you are getting your nursing degree.  There have to be jobs open in those fields during this pandemic.  

Also make some S.M.A.R.T. goals specific measurable attainable realistic & timely to figure out the action steps you need to change what is not working in your life.  Shut out the white noise that is your gaslighting husband.  Let his EA partners have him while you plot your departure.  You know you can't stay.  So what are you doing to get out? 

Can you avail yourself of what ever mental health services your nursing program offers so you can garner strength?  

I appreciate your reply. I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. After our first kid I stayed because I thought things would get better. Clearly I was wrong. 
I continue my education because I can do it from home. Working outside of the home while distance learning is happening is almost impossible. I was working a little before the pandemic but once the pandemic started my work closed. I do not speak to my parents and my husbands mother is a passive aggressive woman who is in no way shape or form helpful for my benefit, only to her son. That’s an entirely different story. With that being said, I have no one to lean on for help with my kids. 
I am being more strategic at this point. I’m feeling a little better off as far as accomplishing goals. 
I’m taking it day by day. I’ve absolutely made bad choices. I wish I could go back in time and change it. All I can do now is fix what I can. 

[Songbird4]

On 9/25/2020 at 8:44 AM, Ellener said:

Yes you do- you have yourself, which is all any of us really have.

Love yourself and then love others as you love yourself.

Louise Hay has some great videos on YouTube about self-care. Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself 'I love you and I am going to take care of you'. 

The past is gone, what you have is the present moment, and because you are a parent everything you do is an example to shape another life. Including learning from your mistakes.

Break things down, I've been where you are at and survived. I was in the US on a dependent visa when my husband told me 'I am going to take your child away and have you deported!' 

I found my strength in that moment, told him 'you do what you have to do, you'll have to live with it later' and he backed down, he paid me alimony until my son was 18 even though it's not a legal requirement here. I drew up the divorce papers myself. 

My son is still a bit angry with me for those times, but we speak or text almost every day and he ends every conversation with 'I love you'. 

You are where you're at and all you can do now is move forward. Sending you love and well-wishes for your journey.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your comment. Wow, it sounds like you went through some very difficult times. I’m so glad you gathered the strength to persevere. 
I will try to be more focused on self care and reminding myself I can get through this. I’ve been focused on goals and trying to stick with a plan. I’m taking it day by day. I know that if I can stay committed to my plan that I will be happier in the end. 

[Negotaurus]

I'm 22. My mother stayed with a man who cheated, lied and got drunk on a nightly basis. As of today, I struggle with boundaries, I'm in and out of unhealthy relationships, I choose the bad people, I don't know how to make friends, I'm very lonely. I don't think you "suffer for your kids". I think you are just too scared to let go. I think it's just you and your fear. If you want to be good to your children, leave and show them what healthy boundaries and relationships are. 

If it counts for anything, I hold more resentment towards my mother than my dad. I am afraid your kids will end up like me. You're teaching them the wrong things. 

Sorry for being blunt and harsh, but I don't think sugarcoating any of this does any good. You've consciously made terrible decisions, over and over again. Time to take accountability. You could make a right decision today, for your kids, and that would be leaving.