Finding the perfect person, yet they have to many problems

[Dork Vader]

It's a long story, but I'll try and keep it short. I have been friends with this woman for many years (over 4). We met at an AA meeting. She was new to the program and I kept it extremely platonic between us. There are many ways she is the perfect person for me, if only she could maintain sobriety. I'm comfortable being my self and showing her the darker sides me being OCD. She is like wise comfortable around me. We are both in our mid thirties, never married, never had kids and both want that. We are both alcoholics granted I have over 5 years sober. There are a ton of positives to her and in many ways she seems like she would be the perfect woman for me if she could sober and maintain it. Nothing physical has happened between us, I won't let it happen. I have made it extremely clear to her that she has to get a year sober and really be dedicated to it before I'll consider letting things advance, until that happens she is stuck in friend zone.

Through the years she has struggled with sobriety, she's been in the hospital twice with pancreatitis. The lack of sobriety of course leads to other problems, such as an inability to maintain a job amongst other things.

It's an odd place to be, there is this person who's other wise perfect for me and yet there is this huge problem.

[poppyfields]

Aww DV, reading your story just breaks my heart. It's really good you've set strong boundaries; it sounds like you are an excellent influence on her!

And congrats on your sobriety! 👍

Alcoholism really is a sickness isn't it.  Does she still go to the AA meetings?  

I'm not sure what advice I could give except stay strong and be there for her.  Encourage her to continue with AA.

This is her decision of course, I'm wondering if she thought she might lose you as a friend, that might motivate her to stay sober?  

Sort of like tough love, but on the other hand, she needs your strong support too.

You are a good friend, as good as it gets, and I wish you both the best of luck.   I hope it eventually works out for you! 💞

Edited September 25, 2020 by poppyfields

[Dork Vader]

15 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This is her decision of course, I'm wondering if she thought she might lose you as a friend, that might motivate her to stay sober?  

I will never do that to someone who struggles with sobriety. I will only set boundaries and I will always offer my support, so long as that support is not enabling. The main reason I won't do that kind of thing, getting sober ultimately has to be her choice for it to last. If it's motivated by the loss of my friendship, she will sober up until the friendship is repaired than slip up again. When sobriety is built upon outside influences such as romance, friendship or family.. Well those things won't always be there and when they are not it's easy to slip up.

She is in rehab now and sounds committed to it. So we'll see how it goes over the next year. 

It truly is a disease, especially when there are dual diagnosis going on. 

[Chilli]

Tough situation for you man but l think your doing the right thing standing your ground. l mean getting together and the support in being together could on one hand help her over the line , but on the other she could also relapse and then you'll really be knee deep in it all , l know you know that but just saying.  l guess all you can do is give it as much time as you feel which must be getting pretty close by now andddd , decide whether enough is enough and whether it's time to move onto finding a new life for yourself. Maybe she makes it hopefully , but l'd imagine all this time so far , this could end up just dragging on and on. Anyway , good luck.

[Calmandfocused]

Op good for you for having strong boundaries. You’re doing a great job with your sobriety and you’re also an excellent friend. 

For your sake I would advise that you do not get into a relationship, marry and have children with a fellow alcoholic.  
 

Your child(ren) will be born with a genetic predisposition vulnerability to alcoholism (best case scenerio).  This is not to say your children will 100% become alcoholics but it increases the risks. 
If your partner drinks whilst pregnant your children are at risk of being born with featal alcohol syndrome. All in all it’s best not to go there. 
 

Furthermore,  there are also  many reasons why this is a not a good idea (for your sake). You need someone who is going to fit into your lifestyle and encourage you to keep on the wagon.
 

At your age you should be able to find women who are past the party stage, who have settled down and who drink minimally/ not at all. They’d probably be your best bet if a long term commitment is what you’re after. 
 

 

[Fletch Lives]

Yes, people with vices, such as alcoholism, can be a problem.

Finding a good catch without vices is like looking for a needle in a haystack - welcome to dating. The good news is, you only need to find one good catch.

[Wiseman2]

Be careful about "step 13". Finding a newbie in AA to date.

[CaliforniaGirl]

You're being so supportive, and I can feel your yearning, but you know what's best for you. You really do. Deep down you know. This is so sad. But when it comes to "perfect except..." this is a REALLY big "except." You know deep inside that this could pull you down if you lifted that boundary.

[Dork Vader]

9 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

You're being so supportive, and I can feel your yearning, but you know what's best for you. You really do. Deep down you know. This is so sad. But when it comes to "perfect except..." this is a REALLY big "except." You know deep inside that this could pull you down if you lifted that boundary.

Oh agreed 100%.. I do actively date and she knows this. I've told her I won't put my life on hold with the hopes she might get sober soon.

[d0nnivain]

Talk to your own sponsor about this.  

I think I remember that it's a bad idea to date until you have at least 1 year under your belt.  How long do you want to wait for her?   Even with 5 years sober for you, do you want to risk that she might drag you down if she catches you at a weak moment?  

Good for you for at least realizing the issues & backing off to save yourself 1st

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Dork Vader said:

I've told her I won't put my life on hold with the hopes she might get sober soon.

End it. Don't hang out with drinkers.

[ShyViolet]

First of all, there is no such thing as "the perfect person."  She's a person who you happen to like and be interested in.  Don't let your judgment be clouded by this fantasy idea of "the one" or "the perfect person."  No one is perfect, everyone has flaws.  This woman happens to have some very serious flaws, possible deal-breaking flaws.

 

On 9/25/2020 at 6:50 PM, Dork Vader said:

I have made it extremely clear to her that she has to get a year sober and really be dedicated to it before I'll consider letting things advance, until that happens she is stuck in friend zone.

This is very smart of you.  It sounds like you have learned a lot in AA.  Do yourself a favor and stick to this.

[smackie9]

I commend you on your 5 years of sobriety. I come from a family of alcoholics, so I know the issues and struggles that comes with it. TBH I wouldn't recommend a relationship with anyone that has or had drug or alcohol issues. It's too dangerous to be involved, she could be a trigger, and you falling back onto old ways. You have worked so hard on your sobriety, it's not worth jeopardizing that. Your strong boundaries is your salvation.

[Dork Vader]

I can hang out with drinkers, I have family who are active alcoholics. I also have friends who are well on their way to becoming one. I had to learn how to set boundaries for myself with these people and learn when to walk away from events or situations in which things become a trigger for me. I have gone to bars with friends who drink to watch games, I simply drink water and leave if I get the temptation to imbibe. Granted I rarely go to bars, I find it rather boring and some drunk people to be a tad obnoxious.

The idea that I can't date an alcoholic in recovery because the kids will become alcoholics I don't buy. I know many couples who met in recovery programs and have kids who do not drink or use drugs. They chose to stay away from it. 

While I agree there is no such thing as "the one" or someone we are destined to be with. This particular person would be an ideal match for me, minus the alcoholism. Common interests, understanding of alcoholism, understanding of mental illnesses, both being shy yet comfortable to be ourselves around each other.. My strengths would compliment her weaknesses and vice versa. 

I have dated both in and out of the program. Both have positives and negatives, the difficult about dating those who are not in the program is bumping into someone who is an active alcoholic or simply do not understand it. No one will ever pull me down with them, if I were to slip up it is ultimately my choice. 

[Watercolors]

10 hours ago, Dork Vader said:

I have dated both in and out of the program. Both have positives and negatives, the difficult about dating those who are not in the program is bumping into someone who is an active alcoholic or simply do not understand it. No one will ever pull me down with them, if I were to slip up it is ultimately my choice. 

What difficulties have you experiencing in your relationships with women both in and out of the program, other than bumping into an ex-girlfriend at an AA meeting while you're with your new AA girlfriend?

Yes, to drink again is your choice. But, why tempt fate dating someone who hasn't even got a handle on their own sobriety yet? Isn't that counterproductive for both the newly sober person and for you who is farther along in their sobriety?

On 9/25/2020 at 5:50 PM, Dork Vader said:

It's an odd place to be, there is this person who's other wise perfect for me and yet there is this huge problem.

So, if you have experience dating alcoholics both in and out of the program, why is it different with this woman? Why is it suddenly a huge problem, if you've dated women before who were alcoholics and not in AA yet?

Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors