Husband Says He Never Loved Me

[NerdyR]

Hey All, 

I wanted to post a question on here about my recent predicament. My husband and I have been married for 7 years and for the first 5 I absolutely adored him. We had problems like all couples do but I’ve always been a ride or die type of person. To me, once you’re married you should try to work on it even if you’ve fallen out of love unless there is abuse or infidelity or something else on that level. Our marriage really started falling apart around 2 years ago when we bought a new more expensive home in another city. He did not want the bigger mortgage but I wanted better schools for the kids. I said that we could afford it on my income alone and he took that to mean he no longer had to pay at all. He pretty much just paid for the utilities and daycare every other month. Even when I was drowning and getting behind he wouldn’t help. He’s a policeman so he’s not upper income but he’s certainly able to pay for his own place now (we’ll get to that later). Of course I lost all respect for him and while he was still good to our daughter he became more and more cold and distant to my son from a previous relationship. I wouldn’t allow that and so he moved to another room and we never recovered. 
A few months ago he came to me crying and wanting to work in our marriage. I agreed and we started having sex again, spending time together, etc. Then a week later he said he couldn’t be happy like this. Mind you, I work two jobs to pay for everything. A month later he stated that he never loved me and he wanted a divorce. He claims there was no affair but would not go to counseling.

I am so confused. He still was trying to be intimate until I put a stop to that to protect my heart. I also asked him not to walk in to the house since he has his own place now. What is going on? BTW, I did see a counselor but she seemed to really point me to trying to reconcile with him. Gross - I did because she asked me to. No offense, but I am a catch. I’m smart, funny, good looking but can stand to lose a few pounds. It felt really degrading to beg my spouse to go to counseling with me. All of my friends think he is crazy to do this since I was working 2 jobs to fix our money issues and we never really fought. I just don’t understand what the heck happened. Has anyone else had this happen to them? 
 

[basil67]

It sounds like it all started falling apart when you moved.   Is this correct?   I'd float the idea that he didn't want to move at all and felt railroaded into it, and his lack of paying the mortgage an act of vengeance because of the move.    

I'm curious as to how you've ended up in this situation and never really fought...because there's a whole lot of stuff which should have been hashed out between you.

[NerdyR]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It sounds like it all started falling apart when you moved.   Is this correct?   I'd float the idea that he didn't want to move at all and felt railroaded into it, and his lack of paying the mortgage an act of vengeance because of the move.    

I'm curious as to how you've ended up in this situation and never really fought...because there's a whole lot of stuff which should have been hashed out between you.

Well, we don’t fight because he stonewalls. Just will not talk about it at all. I try to compromise and he is more of a my way or the highway communicator. I agree with you that making me pay for everything was vengeance to show he was right. I feel bad for him that he felt I gave him no choice in the move. My working 2 jobs was to get us back on our feet and to start over again but it backfired because I was too tired to clean, etc. I started paying for a nanny so that she could help me with that. Unfortunately, it didn’t help. 
 

I’ve since started travel nursing so I’m back to one job and a better schedule. We did have problems (the stonewalling), no affection from him, etc. but they became exponentially worse with the move. We’re still separated now and he is living in his own apartment and sees our kid every weekend. We are civil and still talk here or there as friends. He has started seeing someone I believe. I’ve done modified NC but still have problems wrapping my head around why we couldn’t work out our problems since all marriages have problems. 

[basil67]

It's tough living with someone who stonewalls.  My heart goes out to you.   

Yes, all marriages have problems but the thing required to solve problems is open and respectful communication from both sides.   When you've got a person who stonewalls, communication doesn't happen and so problems can't be solved.    As heartbreaking as it is for the marriage to end, I think you'll be far better off without his vindictive self.

[schlumpy]

It does not sound like he is good marriage counseling material. Start with individual counseling for him.

When they blurt out that there was no affair then I start to think there was one.

I don't know how you feel about that. It would take effort on your part to find out and I'm not sure you can do that working two jobs.

I don't think anyone would blame you for seeing a lawyer and having the papers drawn up.

[spiritedaway2003]

There are two sides to every story.  My guess is that he didn't want to bigger house and the bigger mortgage.  You got what you wanted, he didn't.  You could pay for the mortgage, so he made you eat your words and chose not to help you out with it whatsoever.  It's very immature since you live together and are married.  I can see how that decision contributed to the resentments on both ends, though it seems that you're the one wearing the pants in the relationship.

Personally, I would not go through with buying a bigger house if it means working more jobs.   I invested a lot of time into my career, at a cost of other areas in my life. Having reached reasonable success, I value time > money.  Maybe he didn't care for a bigger house, or more accurately, a bigger mortgage.  Maybe he didn't want you to work more hours or two jobs because that meant less time spent together.  Sometimes less is actually more.  Whatever it is, he acted childishly because he didn't get what he wanted.  I suspect that there are other issues brewing beneath the surface.   I'm I'm sorry you're caught in this situation, as dealing with someone who stonewalls is tough.  I'm a big proponent of working things out in a marriage but there comes a point when if something is just not working anymore, then it's just not working.

Perhaps if you are both willing, start by going to marriage counseling first (or IC for both first).  There is nothing wrong with going to counseling. Don't add stigma to it. There is no shame in wanting to work fixing a marriage, or looking to seek help ...provided that you both want to work on saving the marriage.  Good luck.

Edited September 26, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Crazelnut]

I'd bet my car that he started an affair sometime after the move. From his POV: He felt emasculated by his wife forcing HER will on him and also making more money than him. He punished her by making her pay the entire mortgage and then got an ago boost from someone else's attention. As the wife worked ridiculous hours and neglected him further, he opted out. driven by his new confidence and bolstered ego.

Sorry, OP, but I think your marriage is over. You both could've handled this better, but honestly, why would you want to save a marriage to someone who can't communicate, stonewalls you, forces you to work insane hours just to prove a point, and (probably) cheated on you??

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

I'd bet my car that he started an affair sometime after the move.

Or even before the move.
Maybe he was half way out the door anyway and the move gave him an excuse to bow out completely.
 Instead of contributing to a future together,  he paid the bare minimum and kept his money for his own place...
 

[Happy Lemming]

13 hours ago, NerdyRN said:

Our marriage really started falling apart around 2 years ago when we bought a new more expensive home in another city. He did not want the bigger mortgage but I wanted better schools for the kids.

He still was trying to be intimate until I put a stop to that to protect my heart.
 

If it was about the kids you could have purchased a cheaper home and sent the kids to a private school or some other alternative.  You got the bigger / better home that you wanted.  You did what you wanted to do and tried to stick him with the bill, he resisted.

Yep... quickest way to destroy a relationship is to withhold sex from your man.

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yep... quickest way to destroy a relationship is to withhold sex from your man.

13 hours ago, NerdyRN said:

he moved to another room and we never recovered.

Where does it say she withheld the sex...?

 

[elaine567]

I know it is a generalisation but the police tend to have a bad rep concerning affairs...

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Where does it say she withheld the sex...?

 

 

13 hours ago, NerdyRN said:

 He still was trying to be intimate until I put a stop to that...

 

She "put a stop to that" is my interpretation that she said "no" to sex.

[elaine567]

That appears to be after he said he never loved her and wanted a divorce...

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

That appears to be after he said he never loved her and wanted a divorce...

A good way to "cement" the idea of divorce is to withhold sex.

I do agree with you about "police officers", though.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Happy Lemming said:

A good way to "cement" the idea of divorce is to withhold sex.

Maybe but "making a fwb out of the ex" is not something many women want to agree to..

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe but "making a fwb out of the ex" is not something many women want to agree to..

There is always two sides to every story.

I don't get the idea that is what he was trying to do.

Perhaps the OP will chime in and clarify.

[Ellener]

It all sounds a lot 'crazy-making'. You two don't communicate well, you pushed for a move he didn't want, you talk about yourself being 'a catch'...if you want to save your marriage you will probably have to adopt some humility about your role in all of this. 

You can't change him, you can only develop better communication skills for yourself for the future going forward. Whether that's with him or not. He's going to be part of your life whether you like it or not, you have children together. 

Thinking of you and sending good wishes...you'll work it out even if it seems difficult right now.

 

 

 

[stillafool]

43 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I know it is a generalisation but the police tend to have a bad rep concerning affairs...

They most certainly do.  When I lived in L.A. it seemed to be a prerequisite that the cops and fire fighters were good looking regardless of age.  Women I knew who were involved with them often talked about their cheating ways.  

OP I think your husband already had this other woman before he moved out and that is why he told you he never loved you.  He's caught up in the fog.

 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, NerdyRN said:

 A month later he stated that he never loved me and he wanted a divorce. he has his own place now. 

Very sorry to hear this. Your best allies right now are an excellent therapist - alone and private and confidential. 

You also need to consult an attorney. Don't get blindsided you need to prepare for divorce asap. He moved out and wants a divorce. So you need to accept it and protect yourself mentally and  financially.

[NerdyR]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's tough living with someone who stonewalls.  My heart goes out to you.   

Yes, all marriages have problems but the thing required to solve problems is open and respectful communication from both sides.   When you've got a person who stonewalls, communication doesn't happen and so problems can't be solved.    As heartbreaking as it is for the marriage to end, I think you'll be far better off without his vindictive self.

Yes, the stonewalling drives me nuts because nothing gets accomplished. When he drags my son into it (from a previous relationship) by being cold to him as well it really hurts to see. AND makes me angry because he is a good kid and they shouldn’t be dragged into a fight between mom and dad. 

[NerdyR]

13 hours ago, schlumpy said:

It does not sound like he is good marriage counseling material. Start with individual counseling for him.

When they blurt out that there was no affair then I start to think there was one.

I don't know how you feel about that. It would take effort on your part to find out and I'm not sure you can do that working two jobs.

I don't think anyone would blame you for seeing a lawyer and having the papers drawn up.

I agree and asked several times if it is an emotional affair or a physical one. He says no but my daughter says when she stays with him he leaves in the middle of the night and comes back hours later. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, NerdyRN said:

When he drags my son into it (from a previous relationship) by being cold to him as well it really hurts to see. 

Where is your son's dad? Don't let your estranged husband abuse your child it's your and the child's responsibility to protect him.

[NerdyR]

2 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

I'd bet my car that he started an affair sometime after the move. From his POV: He felt emasculated by his wife forcing HER will on him and also making more money than him. He punished her by making her pay the entire mortgage and then got an ago boost from someone else's attention. As the wife worked ridiculous hours and neglected him further, he opted out. driven by his new confidence and bolstered ego.

Sorry, OP, but I think your marriage is over. You both could've handled this better, but honestly, why would you want to save a marriage to someone who can't communicate, stonewalls you, forces you to work insane hours just to prove a point, and (probably) cheated on you??

Now that this is all written down before me I’m asking myself the same thing. I feel as if I’m trying to save the marriage just to save it if that makes sense. The funny thing is we talk more now that we are separated than when we were together the last few years. He used to sit is his car for hours in front of the house and talk to his friends before coming inside. I think the acceptance part of grieving the loss is really difficult- I’m having a hard time letting go. But the comments and questions posted on this site are really putting it in black and white for me. 

[schlumpy]

5 minutes ago, NerdyRN said:

I agree and asked several times if it is an emotional affair or a physical one. He says no but my daughter says when she stays with him he leaves in the middle of the night and comes back hours later. 

A big red flag. That would certainly get my radar up and running.

[schlumpy]

I would say he has to commit totally to saving the marriage or you will have to file for divorce. No half-way measures can be accepted.

You can't take him back just to face the whole mess again a few wasted years into the future. 

From now on, base all your decisions on what he does and not what he says he will do.