Husband Says He Never Loved Me

[NerdyR]

13 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

There are two sides to every story.  My guess is that he didn't want to bigger house and the bigger mortgage.  You got what you wanted, he didn't.  You could pay for the mortgage, so he made you eat your words and chose not to help you out with it whatsoever.  It's very immature since you live together and are married.  I can see how that decision contributed to the resentments on both ends, though it seems that you're the one wearing the pants in the relationship.

The reason that I pushed so much for a new house was that the first house was MY first home that I bought when I was a single mom. The neighborhood was going down, schools with it and it was a small house- perfect for two people but not for a growing family. The new house was in a nice neighborhood but not fancy by any means. It is the cheapest that I could find that neighborhood and in the better schools. I would NOT have needed to work so much if I had a little help. I’m talking $500 or so to help with the mortgage. I worked two jobs to pay the mortgage AND pay my husband because we were audited by the IRS and that was another financial issue that needed to be taken care of. That was my way to try to get all of our finances under control and eventually I found another job that paid better so now I just do that. Just one job. He is quite immature and really does not have the tools in dealing with life’s ups and downs. He had a custodial fight with his ex a few months after we moved in and completely shut down. All of these issues are why I thought he was just having a midlife crisis or breakdown- the audit, larger mortgage and custody battle  all in 1.5 years is a lot for someone that can’t handle adversity well. He is the type that will just walk away when it gets too hard. I honestly feel bad for him. 

[ajequals]

Either he's bipolar. which his job should have found. or something else is going on ,maybe an affair..Not paying his share of the house I just don't understand. other than he checked out before the house. He seems from your post he's very immature. Not a good quality on an officer or a person. 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, NerdyRN said:

 but my daughter says when she stays with him he leaves in the middle of the night and comes back hours later. 

 

25 minutes ago, NerdyRN said:

 He used to sit is his car for hours in front of the house and talk to his friends before coming inside

His friends, or a woman?

[NerdyR]

3 hours ago, Crazelnut said:

I'd bet my car that he started an affair sometime after the move. From his POV: He felt emasculated by his wife forcing HER will on him and also making more money than him. He punished her by making her pay the entire mortgage and then got an ago boost from someone else's attention. As the wife worked ridiculous hours and neglected him further, he opted out. driven by his new confidence and bolstered ego.

Sorry, OP, but I think your marriage is over. You both could've handled this better, but honestly, why would you want to save a marriage to someone who can't communicate, stonewalls you, forces you to work insane hours just to prove a point, and (probably) cheated on you??

You’re right, I should have asked for counseling in the beginning. If I ever get married again I will insist on it while it’s good and they are willing to make it a habit. I also couldn’t get him to go to church with us. I know that I am part of the problem too. I grew up believing that you should be a team when you’re married. When he slowly checked out over the years I felt he was useless. As a former single mom I needed help, not another baby to take care of. I know that showed in the end because I can be a little feisty lol. I was feeling resentment too, not just him. 
As for cheating, it’s possible. He always locked his phone and did not like anyone touching it. He talked to his friends for hours and I assumed it was his best friend (who was also going through a divorce). 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, NerdyRN said:

 He says no but my daughter says when she stays with him he leaves in the middle of the night and comes back hours later. 

Sorry to hear this. How old are your children? You need to focus on yourself. Your  own therapy. Your own attorney. And most of all protect your kids from things. Why is he leaving your daughter alone? Do not allow your kids to "spy" on him then report to you or drag them through the divorce.

[NerdyR]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Or even before the move.
Maybe he was half way out the door anyway and the move gave him an excuse to bow out completely.
 Instead of contributing to a future together,  he paid the bare minimum and kept his money for his own place...
 

I could see that. He said he couldn’t help with the mortgage at all but he has his own apartment now. I thought it was because of the child support he had to pay. Really, the entire thing makes me feel stupid. It was his 3rd marriage and my 1st. He didn’t want to put bank accounts together because it caused problems in his first marriage. He never let me see his phone or Facebook messages. Wouldn’t go to church with me. He only paid for utilities AND he didn’t celebrate our anniversary/always forgot my birthday. Granted, I wasn’t the best housekeeper and I am mind numbing my exhausted when I get home so I sleep a lot. But I pay for cleaning services and I’m up up by the time the kids get home from school since I work night shift. I’m really looking back and saying WTH- why am I grieving the end of this marriage. But my heart still does if that makes sense. 

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, NerdyRN said:

I was feeling resentment too, not just him. 

Didn't the two of you talk about how expenses would be split when you decided to buy the bigger house.  Most couples do this when making a major purchase.  Did you agree that you would be the one to pay the entire mortgage note each month?  If so, why?

[NerdyR]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

If it was about the kids you could have purchased a cheaper home and sent the kids to a private school or some other alternative.  You got the bigger / better home that you wanted.  You did what you wanted to do and tried to stick him with the bill, he resisted.

Yep... quickest way to destroy a relationship is to withhold sex from your man.

I didn’t stick him with the bill. We are supposed to be a team. You can’t ride on my coattails (MY first house before I met him) and expect to not contribute unless you’re naked in the kitchen with dinner ready when I get home got work and the kids are sorted. In that case I’m down and will work for the both of us. Families have to grow at some point. It’s called a starter home for a reason. The sex was always good in the relationship. It’s the only thing that was. I put a stop to the sex because he was talking about divorce and I needed to protect myself not because I didn’t want to. 

[NerdyR]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Where does it say she withheld the sex...?

 

I didn’t withhold sex until the last month when he started talking about moving out. And after the separation because he would come into my room and house like he still owned the place. I had to set boundaries. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, NerdyRN said:

 after the separation because he would come into my room and house like he still owned the place. I had to set boundaries. 

Since it's your house and he has his own apartment, change the locks. Trying to drag him to church or therapists is pointless. He's divorced 3 x. Huge red flag.

[Happy Lemming]

27 minutes ago, NerdyRN said:

we were audited by the IRS

Yet another reason NOT to buy the bigger / better house.

You pay your taxes first, then you upgrade your living arrangements.

[NerdyR]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe but "making a fwb out of the ex" is not something many women want to agree to..

I don’t think having sex when someone says they never loved you is healthy. When we would have sex towards the end I would have all of these loving feelings again followed by pain when he continued his plans to move out. Some people can be fwb but I can’t. It hurts too much. 

[NerdyR]

27 minutes ago, ajequals said:

Either he's bipolar. which his job should have found. or something else is going on ,maybe an affair..Not paying his share of the house I just don't understand. other than he checked out before the house. He seems from your post he's very immature. Not a good quality on an officer or a person. 

 

 

 

He’s a really good friend but definitely a “black or white” kind of person. When you let him down (kids, family or friends) he completely cuts you out of his life. It’s not healthy, that’s for sure but it is a coping mechanism to protect himself I guess. 

[NerdyR]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yet another reason NOT to buy the bigger / better house.

You pay your taxes first, then you upgrade your living arrangements.

True. I can see that. I can see where I added more stress to an already boiling pot and I regret that. Although I see how our previous neighbors has gone down and I’m glad that I made that decision for my kids. The friends and education he is getting now are such that he is no longer bullied for being nerdy. He is in band and is doing well now. I did it for my family and I still believe it was the right decision. And just to clarify, I did look at apartments in the new neighborhood and the cost was the same as the house we are in now. If this marriage couldn’t survive these tumbles right now then it wasn’t meant to be. It makes me sad, but that is just the way it’s going to have to be. I need a partner not a liability. And if my other half goes to someone else for validation then I hope it’s worth it. 

Edited September 26, 2020 by NerdyRN

[NerdyR]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

His friends, or a woman?

He said his friends but I know some of them are women. He did claim most of the time to be talking to his best guy friend. 

[NerdyR]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. How old are your children? You need to focus on yourself. Your  own therapy. Your own attorney. And most of all protect your kids from things. Why is he leaving your daughter alone? Do not allow your kids to "spy" on him then report to you or drag them through the divorce.

I have a 7-year-old and a 17-year-old. The 7-year-old goes to his apartment and his daughter from a previous marriage lives there too. I think the little one hears these things from her. She blurts things out like kids do but I don’t ask her to spy or anything like that. I want to protect her as much as possible from this so we just say her daddy just wanted some alone time. I don’t think she really understands yet. 

[NerdyR]

21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Yet another reason NOT to buy the bigger / better house.

You pay your taxes first, then you upgrade your living arrangements.

This is completely true. That was dumb of me. 

[NerdyR]

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

There is always two sides to every story.

I don't get the idea that is what he was trying to do.

Perhaps the OP will chime in and clarify.

He was definitely trying to have his cake and eat it too. He used to come into my room and even in the bathroom if I was getting dressed a or bathing even after he moved out. He tried making the moves until I said it’s not healthy for me since we’re divorcing. When I asked why he was initiating sex if he didn’t love me he just said, “I’m still attracted to you.”

[NerdyR]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

It all sounds a lot 'crazy-making'. You two don't communicate well, you pushed for a move he didn't want, you talk about yourself being 'a catch'...if you want to save your marriage you will probably have to adopt some humility about your role in all of this. 

You can't change him, you can only develop better communication skills for yourself for the future going forward. Whether that's with him or not. He's going to be part of your life whether you like it or not, you have children together. 

Thinking of you and sending good wishes...you'll work it out even if it seems difficult right now.

 

 

 

I know that it seems like I’m not being humble and I apologize. I’m not trying to be boastful and definitely have self-esteem issues or I would have nipped this in the bud sooner. We both had a part in the breakdown.  I’m just trying to say that I’m not a dog by any means. I love my family, I’m loyal, work hard and will always try to compromise. Yes, I’m a pain in the butt (like anyone) but I’m also not willing to be a doormat anymore. I’ve had too many months of feeling unworthy and wondering what I did wrong, how I can fix this. I now can look at myself in the mirror now and say that I’m a “catch” so If people don’t like that I’m sorry. I’m not a victim and I take responsibility for what I did wrong. I tried to fix it an compromise every step of the way.
But I’m still really reeling from my looming divorce and can’t understand how my husband is walking away. I thank you guys for being my sounding board as it’s really helping me to see both sides. Even if I need to eat a slice of humble pie it’s worth it. 

[NerdyR]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

They most certainly do.  When I lived in L.A. it seemed to be a prerequisite that the cops and fire fighters were good looking regardless of age.  Women I knew who were involved with them often talked about their cheating ways.  

OP I think your husband already had this other woman before he moved out and that is why he told you he never loved you.  He's caught up in the fog.

 

Thank you stillafool. I never thought he would cheat but a lot of what you guys are saying is starting to make me think at a minimum there was an emotional affair there somewhere. He is good looking BTW. 

[NerdyR]

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

A good way to "cement" the idea of divorce is to withhold sex.

I do agree with you about "police officers", though.

So I should still have sex with him even if he has his own place and is possibly having something on the side already? I’m not being snarky, I really want to know about this “cement” thing you’re talking about. 

[NerdyR]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Where is your son's dad? Don't let your estranged husband abuse your child it's your and the child's responsibility to protect him.

This is also a big stickler in our relationship. He refused to even pick up my son from school on the rare occasions that he asked. He would make him walk home from band practice or a game if I was at work. They never meshed. My husband was a marine + cop = children do what you say and no talking back ever. So I was constantly the middle man to protect my son while also letting my husband keep his dignity. Step kids are hard. 

[NerdyR]

3 hours ago, Ellener said:

You can't change him, you can only develop better communication skills for yourself for the future going forward. Whether that's with him or not. He's going to be part of your life whether you like it or not, you have children together. 

Thinking of you and sending good wishes...you'll work it out even if it seems difficult right now.

 

 

 

Thank you. We’ll see how it works out but I doubt that it will even  though we do communicate better now that he’s out of the house. There’s just too many unknowns and no answers since he won’t talk about it. 

Edited September 26, 2020 by NerdyRN

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, NerdyRN said:

 He used to sit is his car for hours in front of the house and talk to his friends before coming inside.

2 hours ago, NerdyRN said:

 He always locked his phone and did not like anyone touching it. He talked to his friends for hours and I assumed it was his best friend (who was also going through a divorce). 

More red flags.

There's nothing inherently wrong with locking your phone IF your partner has the passcode and is allowed to browse if desired. Why the need to keep these conversations so private is what I would wonder. Police business? 🤔 Color me cynical but - uh huh.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NerdyRN said:

This is also a big stickler in our relationship. He refused to even pick up my son from school on the rare occasions that he asked. He would make him walk home from band practice or a game if I was at work. They never meshed. My husband was a marine + cop = children do what you say and no talking back ever. So I was constantly the middle man to protect my son while also letting my husband keep his dignity. Step kids are hard. 

Unfortunately, you'll have to allow your son to have a better relationship with his real father. Letting your now estranged husband act as the disciplinarian is never a good idea.  Blaming his marine/cop background as a good reason to not watch out for the child yourself is s cop-out.

Sadly it seems you've been in denial for a long time. Right now it doesn't matter whether he is/was having affairs. He's moved out and has his own place.

What matters is getting a good attorney and therapist for yourself. You also need to change the locks.  Your younger child certainly does know that mom and dad live apart and are getting divorced. If he "sneaks out at night", with a 7 y/o in the house, why are you not filing for supervised visitation?

Your best friends right now are:

A good attorney

A good therapist

A good CPA.