Husband Says He Never Loved Me

[NerdyR]

On 9/28/2020 at 6:44 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Great points, Watercolors.

Just now, I went back to the OP's original post and based on your post--and my re-reading--I realized there is another angle that I missed in giving hubby most of the blame.

I wish the OP would return. But it sounds like the OP might have said, "You don't want the house. I'm buying it anyway, because I can afford it."  If that is what happened, that's very different than what I was imagining. If that's what happened, I get why the husband withdrew from things. Not defending him, but his reaction is perfectly predictable. 

And in  the issue of couples and money, tone and subtex and attitude are everything. Did the OP say she'd buy the house with the "you can't stop me" tone in her voice?  Was her emphasis on the fact that she thought she could afford the new home alone?  Oh wow, if she took that tone, I guess I do see why hubby withdrew. Again, not defending him, but oh my, I'm backing off of my blame of the hubby.  So I think you're on the money here Watercolors!!!!! 

If you're the de facto leader in a family, it's so important that you push for decisions that are best for everyone.  Reminds me of my workplace where all kinds of committees are formed and the real purpose of the committee is to get the employees to agree to some changes. Sometimes my job will hold up on a change the bosses could simply order to begin immediately. The reason for the delay? ....The bosses want to get the employees to "buy in" to the change. So the bosses start a committee with employees to discuss the change ... and as obvious as this maneuver is, employees do over time get mentally ready for the change. By time the change comes--months later, maybe a year later--everybody is pretty much ready for it. Employees have figured out how to still enjoy work in spite of the change. 

 

 

I didn’t force him and there were no yelling matches to get my way. Although  I can be a bit bossy, I’ll admit. I should have just backed off when he got cold feet close to the closing time. 

[NerdyR]

On 9/28/2020 at 11:00 AM, serial muse said:

Honestly, OP, it sounds to me like you're better off out of this marriage/relationship. He doesn't seem to offer you anything emotionally, financial stuff aside (and that's an issue too!). He just sounds like dead weight. (And of course you shouldn't have sex with him when he's telling you all that stuff about never loving you and wanting a divorce. Your self-respect is intact, and that's awesome. Plus, let's face it, who knows how careful he has been - you do not need an STD on top of everything else. That said - you should probably get tested, if you haven't already.)

Just want to say - your story really resonates with me because it reminds me of what happened at the end of my first marriage (I'm now happily remarried). He denied cheating, but did all the same things - mysterious disappearances for hours, time spent in the car on his phone with "friends", weird push-and-pull of affection. Of course he was cheating. It all trickled out eventually. But the gaslighting and stonewalling and ... oh, wow, so many lies to my face. We had three sessions of couples therapy (which I had to drag him to, and he sat and said basically nothing) before I knew the full truth, but even then it was clear how much he blamed me for his own feelings about his career, etc. After it all came out, he said he didn't want a divorce, but also didn't want to break up with her. He even told me he still wanted sex with me - but with her, too.

LOL, no.

I am so glad he's out of my life. You won't miss this, believe me. Focus on your kids, as you said, and onward and upward.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I am starting to accept that he is just deadweight now as you say. Like a really mean, smelly heavy  teddy bear that I used to love Lol. Ugh, I can’t believe your ex actually had the nerve to say he wanted both. Mine is just now starting to tell me little truths here and there. This forum and you guys have really helped me to start letting go with your questions and stories BTW. My answers have been there but I’ve been in denial of what his actions were pointing to. 

Edited September 30, 2020 by NerdyR

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, NerdyR said:

I didn’t force him and there were no yelling matches to get my way. Although  I can be a bit bossy, I’ll admit. I should have just backed off when he got cold feet close to the closing time. 

He doesn't sound like he's very reliable, especially if he's hoarding wads of money as you claim. He clearly doesn't want to pay his 3 ex-wives any alimony (?) or contribute to his household with you his 4th wife. What do you think you will do at this point? Do you want to stay married to him, or will you go through with a divorce? 

[NerdyR]

Just now, Watercolors said:

He doesn't sound like he's very reliable, especially if he's hoarding wads of money as you claim. He clearly doesn't want to pay his 3 ex-wives any alimony (?) or contribute to his household with you his 4th wife. What do you think you will do at this point? Do you want to stay married to him, or will you go through with a divorce? 

I think I should protect myself and divorce. I can’t let myself be someone’s “convenience” and for sure I can’t let my kids be exposed to this anymore. If he was a househusband and at least contributing physically to the house and being nice to his stepson I could deal. I’d rather be alone forever than deal with surly stonewalling around my kids. 

[NerdyR]

On 9/28/2020 at 11:31 AM, Happy Lemming said:

Without getting his side of the story, we have no idea why he said what he did or why he did what he did.

Given the facts of... a large house payment and an IRS tax problem; we are aware of financial mismanagement.  So this guy already feels like a human ATM machine, then throw on top of that his wife (who pushed for the large house) has cut him off.  The one thing he has to look forward to after a crappy day at work is withheld from him and you are wondering why he is angry and upset.

I'm just wondering why this guy ever got married in the first place.  I think he's a glutton for punishment, after two prior failed marriages, did he think "third time is a charm"?? 

There is no ATM. I’m the ATM! The only thing he looks forward to when he gets home is Facebook and his video games/tv. Way before all of this husband I had to beg for attention or a hug once he got home. I gave him time because law enforcement people especially need to decompress when they get home but keeping your face in your phone the entire night made for really lonely nights. 

[Watercolors]

6 minutes ago, NerdyR said:

There is no ATM. I’m the ATM! The only thing he looks forward to when he gets home is Facebook and his video games/tv. Way before all of this husband I had to beg for attention or a hug once he got home. I gave him time because law enforcement people especially need to decompress when they get home but keeping your face in your phone the entire night made for really lonely nights. 

Yeah. It sounds like he was emotionally detached/distant from the get-go. Not a very good sign. 

[NerdyR]

On 9/28/2020 at 1:51 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

My guess is the OP is the more forceful of the two people here ... but that she wasn't really aware of this ... so she probably pushed hubby on a lot of little things and hubby agreed and things were OK ... then she pushed for the bigger thing, the bigger house ... and then the wheels came off of the relationship.

Often the more forceful partner, the partner who is good with words and has confidence, can push things without even knowing they're pushing things. Sometimes the forceful partner doesn't learn how to read the discomfort of the other, quieter, partner.  Just the way the OP describes this situation makes me think she was the more forceful partner in the marriage--all along. Sometimes the more forceful partner doesn't even admit to themselves that they are using charisma and confidence and charm to get their way. That's the danger of power from politics to friendship and marriage. 

But presumably the OP didn't pull a gun out on husband, so it was husband's job to recognize that the house was a bright line that he did not want to cross. 

I definitely think I was being pushy when he got cold feet. Since my ex is a silent but stewing type I didn’t notice what I should have in that he didn’t want to move. There was a lot of resentment on my part in that I was the main breadwinner in the household without the positives that come with that i.e. I still had to steer the majority of the housework, do most of the child rearing. I have been talking the most about the financial issues because that is MY part in how the marriage went down and what I had control over. Just to be clear, I did not withhold  sex until it was not healthy for me to be with him in that way. He had already moved out and said he didn’t love me. I have a healthy sex drive and I am very affectionate. I’m a hugger but i can count on my hands the number of times I’ve said no in our marriage and it was usually because I was tired from work. 

[Happy Lemming]

46 minutes ago, NerdyR said:

3 times. This was my first.

Just curious... Was it his idea to get married, yours or did the idea of marriage just come up organically??

[NerdyR]

On 9/28/2020 at 11:04 AM, mark clemson said:

As much as I agree with that statement, I think you'd agree it has to be a two-way street. If the guy is acting like a D-bag or simply checking out, he can't realistically go expecting enthusiastic frequent sex from his partner either.

"All p*ssy is the same" is neither true, nor a particularly helpful sentiment to share with one's wife. I think the H here is at least 50% to blame for the problems in the marriage. Possibly quite a bit more.

Also, not all guys will step out. Some will leave, others will try to work on the marriage/issue, some will stew in silence, and some will take care of themselves and politely do their best to tolerate (what is for them) a bad marriage. There's all kinds of responses. But I CERTAINLY agree that for many if not most men, a sexless marriage is not a happy one. Just how it got to that point is, of course, a valid question and I suspect that usually there's two culprits involved in the answer to that question.

Thanks for your input. It’s always interesting to see the man point of view as well. I really think my 50% of problems in the marriage (because I own those) were the final nails in the coffin. He would have probably stayed or strayed quietly until I affected his money because that is his priority. Interestingly, somehow you guys think that I didn’t want sex but I’m the one that told no unless it was on his timeline i.e. he didn’t want spontaneous sex, no morning sex, I had to wait until he made the first move. From the beginning of the relationship I felt like I was the man because my advances were not wanted. But, as long as his money was not affected he would have hung on. And why not? He didn’t do housework except washing dishes, didn’t really have to do any child rearing, didn’t do school events unless it was for HIS kids and didn’t have to be financially responsible for anything but utilities. I even paid both car notes until I finally refused to pay for his anymore. Oh, they need a Cub Scout leader? Guess who did that too? My step kids will still call me for things because they know I will be more likely to help. Telling me that all  p*ssy was a jerk move meant to lower my self esteem even more and I’m the idiot that didn’t say anything. Plus completely false- I’m a labor and delivery nurse and my hands have been in WAY more women than his and no woman is the same so shame on me for letting him make me feel like just a commodity. 

[NerdyR]

11 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

Just curious... Was it his idea to get married, yours or did the idea of marriage just come up organically??

He moved in and less than a year later we were pregnant. Things were still good at that point and we were still more or less a partnership at that point. It’s not all bad BTW, I paid for him to go to the police academy while he supported me while I was in nursing school. I have a beautiful daughter. So while it’s ended badly now I still love him but without two people to work towards getting the marriage better there’s no point. 

[Fletch Lives]

Well, he knew you had a son from the beginning so he should have welcomed him as a family member or not gotten involved with you in the first place.

If you don't want kids, leave single moms alone!

 

Quote

My realtor said that all men get cold feet and that’s what I thought was happening.

-typical salesman's lies. Cold feet happens with marriage, not buying houses!
But you should have noticed that he did not want the more expensive home but you tried to go against his wishes, which rarely turns out well. 

I think you both messed up in different ways.

And now you've lost respect for him which means your love level has dropped to a dangerous level........if it drops past the point of no return, we all know what that spells - divorce.

He says he does not love you......he did, but people have a short term memory when it comes to love. The truth is, his love level is low also, or is gone.

On top of all that, he may be a control freak.

You have a lot of issues here, it's complicated.....I would recommend counseling if you want to save this marriage. But he won't go so it's probably not going to work, sorry.

[Happy Lemming]

Just now, NerdyR said:

He moved in and less than a year later we were pregnant.

OK... so it was more organic, I understand.

I was just thinking back in my own life (many, many) years ago, when I was dating this woman and she gave me an ultimatum to propose/marry her or leave.  I left.  As of the last time I heard about her, she was on her 3rd or 4th marriage.  I was just wondering if he pushed for the marriage.

[NerdyR]

On 9/28/2020 at 2:02 PM, Watercolors said:

But according to the OP, her husband told her he didn't want to purchase a larger, more expensive house. So, I think that's proof that he drew the financial line in the sand, but b/c the OP disagreed, she crossed that line anyway, and bought the more expensive house. And it's a valid point the husband had, about the higher mortgage removing any possibility for them to save money for family vacations or emergencies.

So, the fallout is, that this purchase (without her husband's name on the mortgage that she can afford without him), is symbolic of the OP doing what she wants to do, without her husband's input. Then, she blames him as being a deadbeat husband/dad when he disagrees with her. Because, as you pointed out, he's the more passive personalities of the two of them.

I agree with you that there are some marriages where the dynamics are one spouse has more "power" than the other spouse does. In the OP's case, she knew she was marrying a twice-divorced dad and that her income is higher than his, and that she would be the one who manages their finances. But, I think that's backfired on her now that her marriage is crumbling and she's unwilling to look at her own behavior in how this contributed to her situation.

This. I completely agree. It was pushy and irresponsible of me to insist. I keep bringing up the house because that is my part in the breakup of the marriage and I DO own up to that. 

[NerdyR]

52 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Well, he knew you had a son from the beginning so he should have welcomed him as a family member or not gotten involved with you in the first place.

If you don't want kids, leave single moms alone!

 

-typical salesman's lies. Cold feet happens with marriage, not buying houses!
But you should have noticed that he did not want the more expensive home but you tried to go against his wishes, which rarely turns out well. 

I think you both messed up in different ways.

And now you've lost respect for him which means your love level has dropped to a dangerous level........if it drops past the point of no return, we all know what that spells - divorce.

He says he does not love you......he did, but people have a short term memory when it comes to love. The truth is, his love level is low also, or is gone.

On top of all that, he may be a control freak.

You have a lot of issues here, it's complicated.....I would recommend counseling if you want to save this marriage. But he won't go so it's probably not going to work, sorry.

Yeah, I don’t think people respect the whole single parent thing anymore. The take what they can from anyone and kids are no obstacle. I’ve told friends before not to date a single parent unless they’re ready because it’s a huge commitment. 
 

I did mess up but I still believe in marriage. He doesn’t “do” counseling and talked to his friends about problems so there’s no use in hanging on. I still believe we really could have used help ( myself included) to work our our issues and i could have gained respect for him again because deep (DEEP DEEP) down he has good traits too but I can’t force someone to slog through the work marriage takes with me. I have my own issues that I’m working with someone on now. I still believe in “ride hard or die” in marriage and my parents are still together 40+ years later. It’s just not going to be with him I think. And he does have control issues - that’s the understatement of the year. Thanks for your post. 

[NerdyR]

57 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

OK... so it was more organic, I understand.

I was just thinking back in my own life (many, many) years ago, when I was dating this woman and she gave me an ultimatum to propose/marry her or leave.  I left.  As of the last time I heard about her, she was on her 3rd or 4th marriage.  I was just wondering if he pushed for the marriage.

Ah, I see. No I didn’t have to push. He wanted to try to do the right thing. Oof, 4th marriage huh? Well if anything I’ve also learned to stay away from people on their 2nd plus marriage. Although I guess I’m damaged goods now too since I’m about to have my first divorce under my belt lol. I guess if I ever remarry I’d better make sure that one sticks. 

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, NerdyR said:

I guess if I ever remarry I’d better make sure that one sticks. 

My long term girlfriend (8.5 years) didn't want to get re-married after her divorce.  The divorce just took something out of her and she never wanted to go through that again, so she swore off the concept of marriage.

This works out great, as I NEVER wanted to ever get married in the first place.

I do understand her need for "financial stability", so I had a will done up and she gets everything.  That is our "work around" for marriage. If I get creamed on my motorcycle or some other accident, she'll be fine.