Would you end things over a statement that was made?

[Wimenknow79]

I’ve been talking to this guy for three months who is three hours away. His job moves him around everywhere but we both are looking for a relationship. It has been a little hard the distance but we have been trying.
We have had one disagreement over political beliefs but decided we liked each other more than that disagreement. His work does cause us to cancel many dates. It’s also talking about moving him again but it’s not final. He didn’t want to stop talking.
We were discussing dating and how to make a long distance relationship work if we decided to date. He said at first he saw us working but in time getting harder. That in all honesty from his experience that long distance doesn’t usually work. I then asked if he was one of those guys who change girls when he changes location or if he was with a girl just in the moment.
He got so mad at me, saying I was making assumptions about him that were not true. He got really offended.
I tried genuinely apologizing and even explaining my concerns. I tried texting wanting to work things out and accepting I was wrong. He just ignored me.
I finally messaged him a final good bye saying that long distance would never work if we have no communication. That that’s all you have in a long distance relationship. That if you won’t talk and work through your problems that it would never work. That no one is perfect and makes mistakes. All types of relationships have fights or disagreements but it’s how you handle them that makes and breaks them. Running away never fixes anything. If this mistake meant more to him then me we have nothing.
Would you break it off with someone over this? Is he over reacting?

[hippychick3]

3 months and you’ve never met...sorry, this is not real. My partner and I  were 3 hours apart for years and managed to spend every weekend together. This guy has no intention on ever meeting up, and is either already in another relationship or talking with multiple girls. You have built this into a fantasy, and it’s going nowhere. Invest your heart into men who take the time to date you in person and show consistency and loyalty over time (in PERSON).  

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Wimenknow79 said:

I then asked if he was one of those guys who change girls when he changes location or if he was with a girl just in the moment.
He got so mad at me, saying I was making assumptions about him that were not true. He got really offended.
I tried genuinely apologizing and even explaining my concerns. I tried texting wanting to work things out and accepting I was wrong. He just ignored me

Maybe you just got too close to the truth. The game was up so he disappeared...

[Wimenknow79]

We were planning to meet up in person. He is real. I did my research. His job is in construction which keeps him really busy. He is now going between Roswell and Idaho. He asked me to be patient with his work schedule. Once I couldn't meet because my ac was down and he counld.

[Gaeta]

Three hours away isn't 3 States away. He had plenty of time to put together a plan to meet you face to face. He's wasting your time. He got mad at your statement because it hit home. He's probably talking to severeal women. Also the fact he got in an uproar for something trivial tells me he's was looking for opportunity to block you. 

[Wimenknow79]

Your probably right. We talked all the time so it sucks and kind of hurts but nothing is left to do. I deleted his messages and number. I think acting like this when he is 44 years old instead of just coming out and saying "its completely over its never going to work," instead of just ignoring me says a lot after 3 months of constant talking.

[Gaeta]

Wimenknow79 I am sorry you're disappointed. Try to find someone local, someone you can get to know for real. Those online romance often turn into addiction, we never really know who's on the other side of the video. I've learn it the hard way, I gave a man a full year to meet me and he cancelled his plane ticket 5 times. It was one of the hardest heartache I had to get over. 

[ExpatInItaly]

If it takes this long to even get to the first meet-up, it's never going to get off the ground. 

He was looking for a reason to stop communicating, and he found it. Next time, don't invest emotionally in someone you've never met. This much talk (and no walk) creates false intimacy and too many expectations when you're still strangers to each other, for all intents and purposes. 

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Wimenknow79 said:

We were planning to meet up in person. He is real. I did my research. His job is in construction which keeps him really busy. He is now going between Roswell and Idaho. He asked me to be patient with his work schedule. 

I'm really sorry but his excuses are BS.  Three hours (I assume by motor vehicle?) is not long distance.  It's not local, but three hours away is quite doable.  When interested!  

At one point, my ex was in school three hours away, he also had a job! 

And he drove to see me every weekend or every other weekend.  A few times, he'd drive down during the week!

This man never had any intention to meet you in person, I'm sorry.

I'm wondering how you two discovered each other.  Was it on a dating app or dating website?  Did he reach out first?

If so, going forward, when doing OLD, stay away from men who reach out to you and live a distance away.   

There is a reason for that.  And for why they're not seeking out local women.

They're either in another relationship or commitmentphobes/avoidants. Or simply not who they claim to be.  Take your pick

It's one excuse after the other and the "be patient" line is very common. 

Next time, be smarter than that!  There is a great lesson to be learned from this.  👍

 

 

 

[CaliforniaGirl]

It's hard to say, but you hadn't met up yet. He might not have been serious enough to have really been planning a relationship, per se. Just the occasional port of call. I mean really, how do you know? 

OTOH, yes, if he was serious then I could see being offended, if you did word things the way you say here. It sounds really cold and sort of accusatory.

Either way it just sounds like things were not going to work out. I am really sorry. Three months isn't forever but it IS a minute. 😟

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Wimenknow79 said:

I’ve been talking to this guy for three months who is three hours away.

The best thing you can do is reflect on why you chose this type of situation and decided to "talk for 3 mos" with someone you couldn't meet? Are you or he in relationships? 

[Wimenknow79]

This all happened last night. I guess he could be ignoring me because he’s mad but I’ve been ghosted before so I know in my experience it usually means they are done. He was always so afraid that I was done talking in the past for one reason or another. The silent treatment or ghosting is just so stupid in your 40s. If your done say it. If your mad and need space say it. Whatever the case I agree if he was truly interested in me he would accept my apology and work through it.

I know I could never go through this in a long distance relationship or any relationship. I need someone to care more about me and my feelings. And someone who can be direct and honest when it’s over because everyone deserves that.

Thanks for y’all input. I do feel so much better about everything. 

[ShyViolet]

If you're never met in person then this is not a real relationship.  Stop wasting your time with this.  Find someone who is actually in your area to date.

[Watercolors]

I"ll just repeat what everyone else has pointed out: he does not want to have a real relationship with you in person. Maybe he's multi-dating. Maybe he's already in a long-term relationship. Whatever the reason, you wasted 3 months in a text-only relationship which technically, isn't a relationship. You just were pen pals for 3 months via text message and the occasional phone call. That's not even close to what a real relationship is.

Follow the advice here: date someone who is local to you instead. Stop spending time with guys you can't access in person. Is there a reason you choose these types of dynamics where its all online communication but never in person?

[Maldives]

Seems you hit a raw nerve with him 

I donno why but I've found the way woman ask questions sometimes the delivery can come accross as accusatory. Your probably asking a question as you have concerns. 

You should of put more of the emphasis on how it makes you feel rather than a straight out direct question. Men see it as an attack 

Edited September 26, 2020 by Goodguy05

[Ami1uwant]

11 hours ago, Wimenknow79 said:

We were planning to meet up in person. He is real. I did my research. His job is in construction which keeps him really busy. He is now going between Roswell and Idaho. He asked me to be patient with his work schedule. Once I couldn't meet because my ac was down and he counld.

 

So aliens sbducted him?

[hippychick3]

12 hours ago, Wimenknow79 said:

We were planning to meet up in person. He is real. I did my research. His job is in construction which keeps him really busy. He is now going between Roswell and Idaho. He asked me to be patient with his work schedule. Once I couldn't meet because my ac was down and he counld.

Oh I’m sure he is real. The “relationship” is not real. He’s been stringing you along while either in a real relationship with someone else and/or in multiple fake relationships with other women. He has no interest in actually meeting you and took advantage of the opportunity to start a fight with you to just be done with this. He has no investment in you and you shouldn’t have any in him. 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours is hardly insurmountable.   Yesterday we each drove 1.5 hour to take a walk with my college roommate who lives 3 hours away.  

He probably didn't come to meet you because his wife or long term GF wouldn't let him.  You are better off.  

Find somebody who is willing to spend time with you.  If you haven't met after 3 weeks, get rid of them because they are game playing time wasters.  

[mortensorchid]

Talking online for 3 months and you've never met?  That says to me he's not interested in meeting you period.  He treats the website/app like a video game or just a chat room.  It's a pen pal relationship.  Move on.

[Mrin]

Just to chime in here. I was in a relationship with a woman 4 hours away for the better part of five years. I drove to her every other week - for that entire time. That's something like 125 round trips. Sometimes though feet of snow that turned 4 hours into 8 or 9. But I did it gladly. 

My point isn't to make me seem noble or anything. My point is that when a man prioritizes a woman he'll see her no matter what. This guy wasn't prioritizing you. Don't give him a second thought. Life is to short to spend it with people who don't make you a priority. 

 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[smackie9]

Your comment was a bit tactless and I really don't blame him for being offended BUT all things do point at him as being the issue as to why his LDRs failed...ie; loses interest, can't put in the effort. You obviously made a good point, he refuses to communicate properly...and that's why this will not work. You dodged a bullet.

Edited September 27, 2020 by smackie9

[beentheredonethat77]

Ok my observation is objective and not meant to offend you but here it goes  -- You said he told you long-distance relationships dont work in his experience BEFORE you made the 'offensive' comment/question about him having women in each place.

The problem with that is: he was already ending it with you, so your comment sounded less like earnest concert/question and more like a parting shot / sour grapes that he was trying to end it.  He was probably not as outraged by your comment as he was annoyed you couldn't just end it peacefully like he was trying to do and instead had to accuse him / question his character.  

 

Anyway, just another perspective as ive been in his shoes where i tried to end something that wasn't working/ or that i wasn't interested in pursuing, only for the guy to turn around and make parting shots about using him/ leading him on or whatever.   Just comes out as bitter not a genuine question. 

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

A person who would have been invested in the relationship would have saw where that question was coming from and approached it with compassion.   Relationships aren't a joke and the dating world is filled with a lot people who hurt others.  His departure out of your life is an example of that.  People get hurt all the time, and you were both still getting to know eachother, so these conversations need to be had.  So screw him.    Like the others stated, I suspect his reaction was indicative of someone who was called out on his bs, and his only way to justify it, was to use false outrage.

Anyway besides the point, if you've never met, then this was nothing more than a fantasy.  You need physical proximity to build something.  Speaking online isn't enough.  Keep your head up.  You'll find much better.

- Beach

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by Beachead

[kendahke]

On 9/26/2020 at 9:44 AM, Wimenknow79 said:

He got so mad at me, saying I was making assumptions about him that were not true.

A hit dog will holler. I think your question snatched back the veneer of nice guy he thought was working.

Quote

Would you break it off with someone over this? Is he over reacting?

I'd break it off because of it being a LDR off the bat. This would be different if you two started this in the same proximity and he got moved... but to start off like this? No. 

And yes he is over-reacting, but the guilty make the most noise.  You peeped his game and he's mad.  Let him go. It would have been nothing but long distance f-ery.

Edited September 30, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

On 9/26/2020 at 9:54 AM, Wimenknow79 said:

We were planning to meet up in person. He is real.

have you face timed/zoomed/skyped with one another?

Because you describe him like this:
 

Quote

His job moves him around everywhere

His job is in construction

His work does cause us to cancel many dates.

How do you date someone you've never met in person?

I'm thinking that in the absence of seeing him clearly on a FaceTime, Zoom or Skype that he's in fact a scammer--and this is exactly how they operate when you question their integrity.  They use the "take a sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach. It's a means of emotional manipulation. Scammers are either petroleum engineers on a rig out at sea or are "in construction", who "traveled a lot", and have a ton of excuses as to why you and they cannot meet. It's just a matter of time before he's asking you for $10k.

Edited September 30, 2020 by kendahke