Losing the comfort weight

[Siva83]

Hi everybody, 

I have been with my girlfriend for a number of years and I have noticed that we both slipped and gained weight.

I have started training again to lose weight and have tried to encourage my girlfriend to do the same. I started to mention that we both should be more active and tried to take her out jogging with me, she wasn't interested. I got us memberships at the local gym but ended up going on my own. She said that she didn't feel comfortable, so I set up a gym at home which she used twice.

I want us both to get back to where we were, get our energy back and be more healthy but she isn't interested.

I've started to slim down and get more muscular and she tells me how nice I look, but feel that I'm on my own.

I love her but it's getting too me.

[Happy Lemming]

Both my girlfriend and I have slipped and gained a few pounds.

We are waiting until after the pandemic is over to really push ourselves to lose weight.  This pandemic has really knocked the enthusiasm out of both of us.  We are waiting for a vaccine to come out and be released to the general public before we resume our travels/bucket list.

The pandemic may have changed your girlfriend's outlook on life.  It has a lot of people in a temporary depression and we really don't feel like doing much of anything.

[Siva83]

This has been going on since before the pandemic, but I hope that things will improve when the pandemic clears and everything gets back to normal🤞.

She has been bringing up that she wants us to start a family. I love her and think she'll be a great mother, but the weight gain concerns me. She's a few years younger than me and gets out of breath easily. I've mentioned the health benefits but she isn't interested. She doesn't take criticism well.

[Happy Lemming]

4 minutes ago, Siva83 said:

This has been going on since before the pandemic...

So much for my theory...

If this bothers you, you might want to think twice before marriage and a family. 

Personally, my girlfriend and I are in the AARP crowd, so child bearing is not an issue.  Her doctor has told her where her numbers need to be. She doesn't seem to heed his warnings; being a competent adult, she can make her own decisions.  It is her that will pay the price for ignoring her doctor's suggestions.  All I can do is keep my body healthy.  For the record, I purchased a bicycle for her to go on rides with me, but she isn't interested either, so I ride alone. 

[FMW]

Sounds like you've done what you should, encouraged healthier habits.  But  as you know, you can't force her to take action.  It has to come from her, and apparently she's not feeling it.

I agree with Happy Lemming that before getting anywhere close to marriage and family with her you need to make sure you can accept her as she is, right now.  For most people, marriage and children tend to increase the likelihood of carrying more weight and being less focused on working out.     

[Gaeta]

Jogging and gym is soooooooooooooo boring! It's for fitness nuts. You need to make it fun together like get a couple of bikes and enjoy pretty trails in your area, find an activity she likes like swimming, badminton, hicking! if you live north than skying, skating, snowshoe walk, etc. 

[Ruby Slippers]

With all due respect, the pandemic isn't really an excuse. I've lost about 5 pounds and gotten more toned because I prioritize health and fitness, eat light and exercise. I do it to be the best I can be, and a nice bonus for me is that since a lot of women in my age group (40s) have let themselves go, it's easier for me to get dates with attractive men who are also fit and healthy. 

Her motivation to be fit has to come from within. I wouldn't marry someone who lacked that motivation. People tend to get only more comfortable and lazy after marriage and kids.

How's her mom's health and fitness? It's a pretty good indicator of how she'll be at her mom's age. My mom is still very active and trim at 72, still looks pretty good in a bathing suit and shorts mowing the yard. I intend to follow in her footsteps. 

[Chilli]

How's her eating , food is everything . Doesn't need to be health fanatic just back away from the crap. At any rate of course you know already that if she doesn't even care now then that's usually not a good sign .

[Ruby Slippers]

I just wanted to come back and say I didn't mean to be judgmental about pandemic weight gain and apologize if I came across that way. I know it's caused a lot of emotions for people, and some people's motivation has suffered and some people are eating their feelings.

I'd just encourage anyone in this state of mind not to neglect your health and well-being, as that will only compound emotional issues. I'd also suggest not waiting till this trying time is over to give your health more focus, as we could be dealing with this for a very long time, many months or even years. I think in some ways the world isn't going back to the way it was before, and we have to come together and get strong to thrive in what could be trying times ahead.

Today I met up with a friend I had just made right before lockdown, we took a brisk 2-hour nature walk, and it was terrific.

Edited September 27, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[DarrenB]

Dieting and nutrition is significantly more important than exercise when it comes to weight loss. Working out isn't for everyone, and you can't pressurize someone into it.

Coach her gradually. Prompt her to go on morning walks, evening strolls to improve blood circulation - at the end of the day, any anaerobic movements are considered a form of cardio

[Ruby Slippers]

3 minutes ago, DarrenB said:

Dieting and nutrition is significantly more important than exercise when it comes to weight loss.

It's about 80% diet, 20% exercise. In general, diet determines size and fitness determines shape. But certain things, like building muscle through lifting heavy or heavyish weights will really blast fat.

Most people who overeat are overeating for emotional reasons, to fill some void they're not filling with healthy activities, relationships, thoughts, mindset, and so on. Most of us when we're REALLY happy and having an awesome time aren't thinking much about "recreational eating/snacking/drinking" because we're bored or understimulated.

[Azincourt]

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She has been bringing up that she wants us to start a family. I love her and think she'll be a great mother, but the weight gain concerns me. She's a few years younger than me and gets out of breath easily. I've mentioned the health benefits but she isn't interested. She doesn't take criticism well.

Quote

 

Well, it sounds like you are at a crossroads. Do you want to have kids?  Do you really want to, or is this something that you feel you should do because it's expected of you to get married and to have kids, because your parents want grandsons, because society has a way of making people believe having kids is in their own best self-interest?

Think about the global changes that are coming in the next 20-50 years. Ponder about the climate changes that are making scientists believe this is going to be the coolest summer in the next 100 years, and trust me,  this summer wasn't cool at all.

Think about the world economy collapsing about every 5 years or so. The rent prices for houses in the UK. Do you want your kid to live in London, or in some lost in time village where the only thing one gets to do in his free time is to stare at trees and wonder what it would be like to be a squirrel?

Do you want your future kid to work like a dog to be able to muster the necessary downpayment for a house, that won't be worth much, but will still be expensive to acquire  and it will take 30+ years to pay off? Or are you rich and you can give to your kid everything your Prince William can give to his kids because he was born from the right sperm and egg?

What about jobs? Didn't the UK lose countless jobs by leaving the EU/UE?

Who's to say by the time your kid grows up, robots and androids and other advances of technology haven't stolen the last few jobs around?

In any case, there's nothing much to losing weight. Eat less and move around more. You don't even need to leave the house to do that, just get yourself a room within your house set aisde for physical exercise, and go do some bodyweight exercises, or walk around the house, or practice yoga. You can learn all about these exercises and sports on youtube.

And honestly, you shouldn't really be having a kid with a mother who isn't healthy and isn't interested in becoming healthy. Does she smoke? Find someone else. Does she not take kindly to your interest in having her become healthy before getting pregnant, and staying healthy and fit, to give the kid a good example?

Dump her and find a new woman.

That said,  unless the UK has put the island on lockdown, like it happened in Israel and how it's happening in Spain: I don't really see why you two wouldn't be able to take your physical exercise outside. I haven't been to the gym since december but that ain't no excuse. I've been walking about 2+ hours a day up and down getting groceries, and although I don't really like my body much(pretty much Neymar's Junior body right now) I still feel healthy, despite my gym muscles going booom.

Edited September 27, 2020 by Azincourt

[Siva83]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Jogging and gym is soooooooooooooo boring! It's for fitness nuts. You need to make it fun together like get a couple of bikes and enjoy pretty trails in your area, find an activity she likes like swimming, badminton, hicking! if you live north than skying, skating, snowshoe walk, etc. 

I've tried in the past but she has said "she hasn't got the time", then sits on the couch all day watching television and complains that she's tired. Makes me think what she'll be like if we do have children, they have bags of energy. 

[Azincourt]

12 minutes ago, Siva83 said:

I've tried in the past but she has said "she hasn't got the time", then sits on the couch all day watching television and complains that she's tired. Makes me think what she'll be like if we do have children, they have bags of energy. 

What do you mean she hasn't got the time? 

Is she still working? Doesn't she have day offs? Is she a doctor or a nurse to be so busy that she doesn't have time for anything else other than her job?

Bro, listen. One of my ex-girlriends is 5''7'' and 120lbs. The only physical exercise she does is to look at herself in the mirror. Her mother is 5'7'' and 170lbs, but when she was my ex-girlriend's age she was even lighter than my ex. But then she got pregnant, and suddenly her body was destroyed by the baby, and she never managed to regain her perfect figure. She's a fitness freak, she even got herself surgeries to lose the extra weight, and she managed to get the weight down and to stay that way for a bit, but eventually it all comes back to her, and she goes back to her nearly 200lbs self.

This woman was hot and still her body was completley wrecked by having a baby - like it happens to many women - so what do you think is going to happen if your girlfriend who doesn't care one lick about her health gets pregnant and then becomes afflicted with all the extra weight women put on when they get pregnant?

She'll easily go up to 300lbs and she'll probably stay that way. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?

 

Edited September 27, 2020 by Azincourt

[Fletch Lives]

Cut off affection, sex, and romance. When she asks, "What's wrong?", perhaps it will be her own idea to really listen to you and change. It has to be her own idea.

[Azincourt]

7 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

Cut off affection, sex, and romance. When she asks, "What's wrong?", perhaps it will be her own idea to really listen to you and change. It has to be her own idea.

Yeah.... I don't see how manipulating and hurting his girlfriend, emotionally, is going to bring him the results he's looking for, not to mention that it's wrong for him to do what you're suggesting him to do.

Well, you could always  take your girlfriend to a beachless/nude beach in Spain and let her sit there on the sand looking at all those fit women walking around. Eventually she'd start feeling bad about her body and she would begin the changes that would allow to acquire a beach body.

But that would probably hurt her too, I guess. I dunno, man.

[Fletch Lives]

^^^ the guy is falling out of love with his girlfriend, and might be headed for breakup/divorce eventually. So should he just give up and throw in the towel or do you have a real suggestion on how to fix the problem?

[Wiseman2]

Have you considered that you are not compatible? And that you are not attracted to her? 

Get fit and lose all the weight you want but you can't fix or change anyone.

It sounds like the relationship is stagnating and you are looking for reasons to end it, dressed up as heatlh concerns.

"You're fat", as much as you try to hide it behind health concerns never goes over too well.

You have some hard thinking to do because what you see is what you get.

It's not going to get better with time, your criticism and certainly not kids.

Shoving your fitness suggestions at her isn't working and never will.

[elaine567]

Seems to me, some people like the fitness stuff, they will eat healthy and get really interested in diets and foods and can get obsessed about losing weight or maintaining their weight.
They love exercising  either for the joy of it, or of the effects it produces.
They are serious about and committed to the healthy lifestyle.

 Others are not interested in maintaining a healthy weight, they may love their food too much or cannot be bothered counting calories or changing their diet.
They may hate vegetables/fruit and love take aways and cake...
They may be perfectly happy with their weight.
They may not be at all interested in exercise, in fact they may hate it, preferring sedentary activities.

Younger people can often get away with an unhealthy lifestyle, they may not put on much weight even if they love ice cream and fries, but usually it tends to catch up with them, which is I guess what happened here.
The OP is a guy who has now embraced the healthy lifestyle, his gf is not interested and I guess never will be as it is just not something she wants to do.   .

[lana-banana]

How old are you and how much weight gain are we talking about? Are you both within a healthy weight range? For a woman who isn't overweight or obese, 10 pounds or less is just a matter of adjusting eating habits, while 20 or more would be major lifestyle changes. As others have pointed out, diet is much more important than exercise in terms of losing weight. If you're living together, clear out the pantries and start over with healthy foods and healthy snacks. Focus on the areas of your diet that are most likely to contain empty calories and go from there. Just swapping popcorn instead of chips or having wraps instead of bagels, or switching to sparkling water instead of soda, can lead to significant weight loss.

People are more likely to exercise when they realize all the benefits...pretty much anything other than weight loss. It keeps your brain younger, it helps you focus, it reduces stress, it improves your mood, it strengthens your joints, etc. And you don't even need to burn many calories to get these benefits; brisk walking or yoga count. So maybe it's just a matter of not finding the type of exercise that works for her. If she's the type of person who just wants to get it over with you could try HIIT routines, which allow you to get a great workout in a very short period of time. 

That being said, none of this matters if she has sincerely different life priorities and doesn't feel she needs to exercise at all, or if she feels resentful of what you're doing. That would be a compatibility issue that would take a lot more time and thoughtful conversations to address, including whether you think you share enough values for a long-term relationship. If you have been together for a few years I'm sure that you have enough solid ground to talk about these kinds of things in a respectful manner. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Siva83 said:

She has been bringing up that she wants us to start a family. I love her and think she'll be a great mother,

It sounds like this is scaring you to death. Rather than pick her apart for both of you getting fat and lazy together, be honest that you are not ready for commitments or family.

Do you live together? If so you have both become complacent.

 

[d0nnivain]

You have some decisions to make.  Do you want her -- the person -- flaws & all or are you falling out of love & looking for an excuse to be done?  

Over time people gain weight & their bodies change.  Very few people look the same now as they did when they were in their 20s.  

Your GF is not motivated to do what you are doing.  If you intend to motivate her, do look at portion control & add in some more active dates:  take a walk after dinner, play tennis or golf together.  Do not think she's gonna start running or lifting weights any time soon.    

[Azincourt]

2 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

^^^ the guy is falling out of love with his girlfriend, and might be headed for breakup/divorce eventually. So should he just give up and throw in the towel or do you have a real suggestion on how to fix the problem?

Yeah, he can go up to her and have a conversation with her instead of trying to manipulate her into being something that she is not, and from what comes out of that talk OP will be able to figure out what he is to do with his life and with his relationship. People who are lazy where it concerns their health and their fitness don't change all that easily, and his girlfriend doesn't give off the impression that she cares much about her own health.

Quote

Over time people gain weight & their bodies change.  Very few people look the same now as they did when they were in their 20s.  

Nope. It's true that people's body changes as the DECADES and decades  go by, and they become old, like they turn 50, but I take it OP and his girlfriend are both in their 30s? There's no reason why someone's body should change drastically from how they were at the age of 20-25 now that they're in their 30s.

I'm in my 30s and I haven't been to the gym since december last year and the clothes I was wearing when I was 18, still fit me perfectly now that I'm in my 30s, and I don't even do much about it. I just avoid fast food and eat healthy.  That's it. That's all it takes to have a beach body all year-round with much effort.

Both my parents are in their 60s and my father's still as fit and lean as he was in his early 20s when he was in the military, and the guy also doesn't work out, other than going for a 30 minute walk a day. Mom still has the same figure she had when she was a fashion model, and no this has nothing to do with ''genes'' like so many people like to use as an excuse, as dad has a brother who is overweight, and that's because all he eats is fried chicken and steak all day long with no greens or fruit. 

The only physical exercise he does is to get up from his bed, start the car, and go to work. You shoul do the same, OP. I am aware that the UK is plagued with obesity much the same way the US is, but I'm sure there are at least some fit women you can meet.

Very few people look the same way now that like they did when they were in their 20s, because most people are lazy and are addicted to garbage food that is going to destroy their health and their physical looks, and if I'm dating a woman who is 110lbs and suddenly she's 130lbs? Health problems? Sure, I can deal with that.  But the weight gain came because she's lazy?

I'm done and I'll just go and meet women in this college town.

Edited September 27, 2020 by Azincourt

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Azincourt said:

if I'm dating a woman who is 110lbs and suddenly she's 130lbs? Health problems? Sure, I can deal with that.  But the weight gain came because she's lazy?

I'm done and I'll just go and meet women in this college town.

Food & weight are triggers for many people.  I am 5'7 & weighed about 110 lbs in college.  I was a size 4.  I had terrible anorexia.  Yet I cried myself to sleep at least once per week because I was fat.  

My eating habits didn't change very much but once college ended & I drove more, I got less exercise because I no longer had to walk everywhere.  I eventually came to eat normal meals & that alone shot my weight up to 125 - 130.  By the time I hit 35 & my metabolism slowed down I was pushing 140.   After 40 my weight went up to 160.   Since then I have changed my nutrition, watched portion control, counted calories (which sent me back into the anorexic space) & joined a gym I attended 3-5 days per week.  I never again got below 137 & I was freaking miserable, starving, cranky & generally feeling deprived.   Still I rocked a bikini on Waikiki beach for my 50th birthday.  At that point DH handed me a cheeseburger  & a pina coloda saying he'd prefer to I be fat & happy rather than skinny, bitchy & miserable.   He then chronicled all the ways my obsession with weight over the previous 1.5 years made him crazy.  

Through Covid I have walked 2-4 miles per day at least 3 days per week; I adopted a dog so I have to walk at least 2 miles per day & yesterday managed a 10 mile walk which I would like to continue weekly.   That said my weight is stuck at 160 but I also stress bake & then eat.   Most people think I now look healthy.  I'm now a size 12.  My BMI is less than 25.  I think I look gross & am horribly fat, especially in my stomach.  I can't shop for clothes without crying.   But when I look at pictures of myself from college I'm shocked my parents didn't hospitalize me -- I was skeletal.  Society, magazines, TV etc extoll an unnaturally, unhealthy skinny ideal that most can't achieve.  

Having a partner who wants to walk with you & makes calorie burning fun is a blessing.  To simply dump an otherwise great person because of 15-20 pounds is cruel & shallow.  To demand that a partner exercise will backfire.  

[Happy Lemming]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

At that point DH handed me a cheeseburger  & a pina coloda saying he'd prefer to I be fat & happy rather than skinny, bitchy & miserable. 

100% agree with your husband.  When my girlfriend is hungry, she is miserable and drives me nuts.  I'd much rather she eat and be "fat and happy".

I picked her up yesterday and she was wearing a dress I had purchased for her, it didn't fit.  She wanted to look nice for me and squeezed into something that just didn't fit.  I told her to change into something comfortable & gave her a big hug.  I told her not to worry about the weight gain that we'd both lose weight after the pandemic is over. 

Similar to you, she stress eats and this pandemic has caused her much stress and worry.  I really don't care what her weight is, I'll enjoy her whatever size she is.

23 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 I can't shop for clothes without crying.  

Yes... I don't really understand women and clothes shopping.  I was shopping with my girlfriend one day and we found this cute dress that we both liked, she tried on the 12 and it didn't fit, so I grabbed a 14 off the rack and brought it to her (dressing room).  It fit and looked great, but she refused to let me buy it for her, as it was a 14.  I said I don't understand, if you had fit in the 12 then it was OK to buy/wear it, but because the exact same dress had a tag that said 14, you refuse to wear/own it??  This just doesn't make sense to me.  Who is going to see the tag in the back??  For that matter, just cut the tag out of the dress and wear it... I don't get it.