Losing the comfort weight

[Ruby Slippers]

6 hours ago, Siva83 said:

I've tried in the past but she has said "she hasn't got the time", then sits on the couch all day watching television and complains that she's tired. 

She sounds depressed. 

[Weezy1973]

It’s possible your values have grown apart as you’ve gotten older. If you’re valuing health and fitness more and she’s valuing it less, it could be a dealbreaker depending on where that fits in your list. My sister and her husband are fitness inclined and it’s one of the core values that connects them. Both my wife and I like to eat healthy and it makes our life way more pleasant to be on the same page with what we buy and have in the house, and what we buy and feed our son. 
 

That being said, I’ve also known happy couples who don’t share health and fitness as a value, with one person being significantly more health oriented than the other. It’s just not that important to them. More of a “nice to have” but not a dealbreaker. 
 

There isn’t really a right or wrong answer here. But you’re not going to be able to change her into something she’s not. Nor should you expect her to change. So you’ll just have to decide whether or not it’s a dealbreaker for you. And if it’s not, don’t pressure her at all, and certainly don’t withdraw your affection for her. 

[Lotsgoingon]

  

7 hours ago, Siva83 said:

I've tried in the past but she has said "she hasn't got the time", then sits on the couch all day watching television and complains that she's tired. Makes me think what she'll be like if we do have children, they have bags of energy. 

This is the red flag to me, not the weight gain. This and that you've seen her out of breath for minimal activity. 

The hints don't work bro. Stop that "we need to go jogging" and "we need to be more active." That's manipulative and controlling. If you worry about her health, you can mention that.  On weight and your sense of attraction to her--no do not go there. That's an incredibly sensitive issue for women--sorta akin to a woman saying that a guy's size isn't quite big enough for her and so you need to try different sex angles for her to feel something. 

But the watching tv ... that's the problem. So why do you want to have a family with someone who just sits on the couch and watches tv and then complains about being tired? And YES--SCREAMING YES!!!--you ought to be worried about her energy if you were to start a family. As someone else said, sounds like her mood is off. She may be depressed. Having a low-energy parent and certainly a depressed parent is terrible for a child, absolutely terrible. Leads to direct emotional abandonment. 

Dude, it's time to go back to square one and evaluate things. Forget the weight thing. BTW: the best way to encourage a partner to be healthier is for YOU to just work on yourself--non-manipulatively. By non-manipulatively I mean you do this for your own benefit. It's not some secret plan to get her moving. If you wanna exercise and lose weight, do it! 

There is a big huge flaw in your thinking that you want to drop. Adults know that exercising is good for us and not gaining weight is good for us. If you think she doesn't recognize that, then you are implying that she's an idiot. You with me? What adult doesn't know that exercise is good--except an idiot?! You don't want to marry and have kids with someone you think is an idiot--someone you are treating like you would treat a child.

If being married to a couch potato who complains about being tired isn't your dream relationship, then you need to think seriously about backing off. Accept her as she is right now. Or not. That's the way we treat adults. If she's talking to you in a way that makes you feel insulted then you can talk to her about her communication style--that's legit and non-manipulative.  But you don't try to control the person's life. You want to be with someone whose life you like, whose energy you like--right now! Not in the future. But right now!

Edited September 27, 2020 by Lotsgoingon

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, Siva83 said:

I've tried in the past but she has said "she hasn't got the time", then sits on the couch all day watching television and complains that she's tired. 

This (bolded) is the problem imo, your girlfriend is lazy.

And laziness is one great big turn off.  

I think it's important to get real with yourself after which you get real with her.

Her laziness, lack of motivation is killing your attraction!   Yes?  No? 

I would not advise using manipulative tactics such as cutting off sex and affection, good lordy. 

Honest disclosure of what's really bugging you is needed. 

Do not be afraid to "rock the boat."  No relationship is gonna survive without honest, direct communication.

Even if that direct communication is hard to hear.  She needs that from you.  Anything else is dishonest, disingenuous and manipulative.

 

Edited September 27, 2020 by poppyfields

[Noproblem]

My advice is to get two fitbit watches for you and her..Join the fit bit community and add friends and join daily challenges 

and start walking together every day for 1 hour. Or 2 or even 30 minutes..

every day the watch will count your steps and it's gonna be such a nice time for you two.

Avoid gyms and such intimidating stuff, or running, just walk with her every day.. It's not hard, it's a really good habit, not just for your physical health, but also for your mental health and your relationship together. 

 

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by Noproblem

[Noproblem]

Fat shaming is really a problem since when 110 become 130 is a bad thing and require someone leaving their gf over!  Actually 130 pounds is a healthy weight for someone who is 5'4 or 5'5 or 5'6 etc
When op is talking about his gaining extra pounds,  I am assuming like she gained 40  or 50 pounds or something

20 pounds can easily go away within 6 months.. not a deal breaker and I think people should stop being so sensitive about this whole matter

my partner getting fat I am telling him he needs to lose this  and we'll lose it together and same applies to women! She should be happy that her partner wanna exercise with her.. Girls need to be less sensitive about this!

Everyone is saying oh this is doomed.. she is gonna get fatter ..

No people has phases. They don't stay the same thing.. They change their mind and attitude!

phases of eating unhealthy stuff, and phases of clean eating and exercises..

Some people are born slim all their lives., they don't even know what exercises is or what the struggle is!

Some people exercise all the time..

But they can always change..

and other said she might be depressed. what ever it is.. Be honest with her, if you don't find her as attractive as before, tell her to stop being a sloth and walk with you everyday!

Also, get rid of any unhealthy food and don't buy unhealthy food for a month! get more fruits and vegetables!

 

 

Edited September 28, 2020 by Noproblem

[Acacia98]

On 9/27/2020 at 1:15 PM, Fletch Lives said:

^^^ the guy is falling out of love with his girlfriend, and might be headed for breakup/divorce eventually. So should he just give up and throw in the towel or do you have a real suggestion on how to fix the problem?

If a health-related issue (e.g. thyroid issues, depression, anemia) is not behind her lethargy and lack of motivation, and if it matters enough to him to ultimately become a deal breaker, then it is a compatibility issue. Under those circumstances, if he is no longer attracted to her, I think it would be far kinder for him to break up with her than to stay and repeatedly express disgust/reluctance when she wants to get intimate.

Before giving up, though, he should do his best to communicate with her about his concerns again (I know, it's tricky) and make sure they rule out any health issues of the type I mention above. And if she's still reluctant (and, like I said, if it is a deal breaker), then he can throw in the towel.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it seems like everything you are doing, you are doing for yourself, not out of concern for her 

Stop shoving fitness and weight loss stuff at her. Not only is it useless, it's insulting.

Also she's not a pet you "take on a walk"  with you or buy "healthier"  pet food for.

You are projecting your only very recent interest in fitness/weight loss on to her. 

You are all gungho about it so now you want her to mirror you, even though you were both couch potatos before. Sort of "look at me! I'm so buff and you're so fat".

Do your own fitness and weight thing on your own.

If you suddenly need a reason to end things because she recently brought up marriage and family, then man up and end it.

The problem is you, not her. You're not happy with yourself or the relationship or her wanting more commitment.

Edited September 28, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Fletch Lives]

On 9/27/2020 at 7:46 AM, d0nnivain said:

Over time people gain weight & their bodies change.  Very few people look the same now as they did when they were in their 20s. 

A lot of people do, because they let themselves go. It's a busy life, so many don't make health a priority, I sympathize. 

I'm  only 10 pounds heavier than I was 32 years ago (I'm 6' 173lbs.). That's nothing (part of it is due to the pandemic).

Edited September 29, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Happy Lemming]

My girlfriend tells me it is harder for women to lose weight than men.

She pointed to an incident a couple of years back.  She had an operation and the doctor "required" she walk 3 miles EVERYDAY (for a month) to avoid blood clots.  The doctor stressed this was VERY VERY important.  He actually came to me in the waiting room and reinforced this point.  I assured him that I would "walk" her every evening.

So I mapped out a 3 mile circle and I "walked" her everyday, like clockwork.  During that month, I dropped 10 pounds. I wasn't trying to lose weight (and ate my normal diet), it was just a by-product of the extra exercise.  My girlfriend (who also didn't change her diet) lost no weight.  She told me that women have a much harder time losing weight than men do.

Perhaps some women (on Loveshack) can chime in and confirm or deny if this it true or false.

[lana-banana]

7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

My girlfriend tells me it is harder for women to lose weight than men.

She pointed to an incident a couple of years back.  She had an operation and the doctor "required" she walk 3 miles EVERYDAY (for a month) to avoid blood clots.  The doctor stressed this was VERY VERY important.  He actually came to me in the waiting room and reinforced this point.  I assured him that I would "walk" her every evening.

So I mapped out a 3 mile circle and I "walked" her everyday, like clockwork.  During that month, I dropped 10 pounds. I wasn't trying to lose weight (and ate my normal diet), it was just a by-product of the extra exercise.  My girlfriend (who also didn't change her diet) lost no weight.  She told me that women have a much harder time losing weight than men do.

Perhaps some women (on Loveshack) can chime in and confirm or deny if this it true or false.

100% true. I am at a healthy weight but even losing five pounds means a rigorous adherence to a strict diet for a few weeks. Meanwhile my husband can basically skip an occasional beer and drop 5 pounds.

[Ruby Slippers]

It's definitely easier for men to lose weight, especially in older age, but I think people exaggerate the difficulty because they just don't wanna do it.

For the vast majority of people without significant hormonal issues, it's a simple equation of calories in, calories out. One pound equals 3,500 calories. So if you create a calorie deficit of 500 calories a day on average = 3,500 calories a week, you're going to lose about a pound a week. You can create that calorie deficit through diet or exercise, ideally both.

Weight loss is not that hard - IF one makes up their mind to do it and sticks to a plan consistently. What gets in most people's way are emotional and mentality issues. You don't have to be perfect. Yesterday I made pizza for lunch - but I halved a thin-crust dough recipe, rolled it very thin (the way I like it, and also cuts the calories in half), had it with turkey sausage, part-skim mozzarella, and garlic, and it was delicious. I calculated the calories, and my very filling and satisfying meal was about 500 calories.

Later today I'm making pumpkin crumb cake muffins - nothing healthy in them except pumpkin; the rest is butter, sugar, etc. I did the calculations and they have 385 calories each. Having half a muffin or even a whole muffin isn't a big deal - provided I make room for it in the equation. 

I'd definitely recommend that a woman do everything she can to attain and maintain her ideal weight in younger age, as that makes it easier to maintain in older age. But you see plenty of stories of seriously obese 60- and 70-something women who finally get fed up, commit to a plan, and get down to a trim, fit, healthy weight.

It's very possible once a person simply makes up their mind to do it, makes a plan, and sticks to the plan.

[lana-banana]

The exception to the above is when people have metabolic syndrome. This generally doesn't happen unless you're very obese for a long period of time, but when you hit that point,it becomes significantly more difficult to lose weight and keep it off because your body simply won't process food the way it ought to. My sister-in-law is in this category and it's tough to watch. She has been keeping a good exercise and diet for a while now and is struggling to lose more than 20 pounds, while her own doctor has acknowledged a woman half her size would have lost all the weight by now. As Ruby said, the best way to be trim is to never gain the weight in the first place. 

[FMW]

When I've had periods of gaining weight they were brought about by my emotions, not because I just loved food and wanted to eat more or was too lazy to do anything else.  If someone is depressed or stressed their go to mechanism may be shoving the feelings down, literally, with food. Some people smoke, others drink.  Some exercise to excess.  Some may just be unpleasant and judgmental about everyone else.    

That being said, the OP does not have to stay with, much less marry and have children with, someone whose weight and fitness levels turn him off.  She doesn't need to be found worthy of criticism in order for him to be free to move on.