My resentment

[Dewylawn]

I've been holding on to some lingering resentment towards my husband for years and finally mustered up the courage to bring it up to him recently. I let him know how I feel about the issues I see us having that prevent us from being better and that the stagnancy of our marriage was taking a toll. I did say I wasn't sure what it would take to release the resentment, but that this feeling hopefully explains some of the distance I've had recently. It was a peaceful conversation, no yelling or argument. 

Some things that stick out to me though are him saying that he has issues with me also (which is expected) but he doesn't bring them up (even after being asked directly to tell me) because he knows it won't change anything (which isn't necessarily true). He also blamed me for not being affectionate (which I admit to) and implied he's the better communicator. All of this ending with him saying that my conversations are always negative or about what is wrong and that I never talk about positive things. When asked for an example of what positive things he means, it was like pulling teeth. 

I'm confused as to if this sort of behavior is typical, but unhealthy, or if I'm being overly sensitive or selfish in some way. Any insights?

[Wiseman2]

Sadly the elephant in the room is the untreated ED that he refuses to address and no sex for  most of your marriage. If you are seeing a therapist, great. But you can talk at him and talk at him and talk at him, but clearly that is not working and simply seen as vague nagging.

You need to reconsider the marriage. 

[schlumpy]

I can sympathize with some of what he said. There is no point in poking the bear (my wife) if she will not change. Some behaviors are too deeply embedded and it's easier for me accommodate. It will have to be enough that it's in the open and on the table. Once the spouse is aware of the complaint that should defuse the resentment. 

She has her complaints about me too.

This is all common fare if you have been married a good amount of time. Changing basic tenets of the personality is difficult to accomplish especially when your life doesn't get any better because of the change. There has to be incentive.

For the time being why not work on modifying on one agreed upon behavior. Then work together to solve that issue. Be flexible and think out-of-the-box.

It may take many months or years to achieve measurable results but what else do you have to do?

You are riding together in the same car on the same train unless one of you plans to get out at the next stop.