Too much to ask?

[Twiprere71]

Hi everyone,

Thanks in advance for your opinions.

I have a great partner who in a lot of ways is very considerate and loving but in other ways I feel he is on another planet ( I actually have had to prompt him that it is nice to let your partner know when you are going to bed and preferable with a kiss or sign of affection). We had a disagreement the other day over a small behaviour that I just wanted peoples advice whether I'm expecting too much. 

We have been going out 2 years - we spent a year in a long distance relationship and have now been living together 8 months. Yesterday he went out for a few hours to play golf then unbeknown to me he came home. He didn't come into the house but spent about half an hour or so working on the boat then went to the petrol station before he came inside. I was waiting on him to come home to start dinner. My feeling is that it is courteous to at least pop your head inside and let the other person know you are home. I'd do that even if I was living with friends or a flatmate. I was very taken back by this behaviour but more so by his attitude that it was one of my expectations and not a common thing to do. I know it is only a minor thing but I'm curious to what others think. He has been married before for 20 years so I'm not his first relationship and in my past I have never had this happen. 

Thanks.

 

 

[S2B]

Does he seem selfish? Perhaps autistic?

have you suggested counseling to get more on the same page as far as expectations?

what was the reason his first marriage ended?

Edited September 27, 2020 by S2B

[basil67]

I cannot form an opinion of him based on just one odd event.  Does this relationship meet your needs the majority of the time?  

[Fletch Lives]

Yeah, it's normal to greet and say "Hello" to a family member when you get home.

What has this guy's life been like, and what does he do for a living? It sounds like he lacks some social skills/romance.

[Wiseman2]

How did you meet and why was it long distance? Did you move to him or did he move to you.

The problem with LDRs is that you don't have a day to day normal relationship. Add to that you jumped into living together and are adjusting.

Don't expect him to act like your former partner. He is used to his way of doing things and you are used to yours.

It sounds like you jumped into living together so the onus is on you to try to adjust to each other

Or... move out and admit you didn't know him well enough prior to living together.

[schlumpy]

If you push this issue and he doesn't agree with your point of view, he will view it as if you are treating him like a child instead of a SO. It's ok to request that he tell you when he's home what time you can expect him but if you try to force him, things will not turn out well.

Better off putting it out there for discussion so he knows it's an issue and he has chance to address it or not.

There could be more to this then meets the eye.

If he announces he's going to bed does he then have to wait for you? Do you give him a list of jobs he needs to do before he gets some sleep like feed the cat or check the water bowls or other minor household activities? Do you beg him to stay up until the movie is over?

If he works, doesn't he go to bed at the same time each night and get up at the same time every morning? Would he not come home at the same time every day? Why would you consider his not shouting, "Honey, I'm home," as a breach of polite protocol if he considers you intelligent enough to pick up on that?

I guess all I'm pointing out is that he has to want to do it. You will have to convince him that it is essential relationship maintenance but if you pressure him to adopt your requirements he may comply but the resentment will build with the possibility of leaking over into another part of your relationship.

[ShyViolet]

I don't think what he did is that weird.... I think you are making too much of this, and I think you are being a little controlling.  "Checking in" with you is just not something that he views as important.  He probably won't change, if you want to be with him you will have to accept this.  It sounds like he wants to be free to go about his day the way he wants and doesn't want to always have to "check in" with you.  Stop micromanaging him or he is going to see you as nagging or controlling.

Edited September 27, 2020 by ShyViolet

[Mystery4u]

What he did is very very weird. Off course he should have at least come in and told you he was back. Sounds like he is a bit selfish. I would never dream of going to bed without saying a word to my girlfriend either, that's just plain rude. If she did that to me I would not be happy either.

[ajequals]

I don't consider it common to report in. much less report that I'm leaving. Thats not to say I haven't said where I'm going but it's not a habit. And if I got in trouble for it ..well. I wouldn't be happy

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree he lacks basic social skills. I was also thinking maybe he's autistic/has asperger's or something. 

Edited September 28, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[schlumpy]

I forgot ask about his childhood. 

The type of behavior you would like him to display is instilled growing up. It's rarely acquired in adulthood. His parents may have not expressed their love through thoughtful expression or they may have expressed love but not meant it. Children are love sensitive and know the difference.

Alcoholics do this. They will express affection and yet their actions will show the opposite. It's not abnormal for children from these situations to have a hard time accepting or displaying sentiment. The words won't get through the defensive barriers they built when they were children.

Of course he could just be a selfish, self-centered bastard who is cognizant of no one's emotional needs but his own.

Is that what you were looking for?

[Acacia98]

On 9/27/2020 at 8:20 AM, Twiprere71 said:

He didn't come into the house but spent about half an hour or so working on the boat then went to the petrol station before he came inside. I was waiting on him to come home to start dinner. My feeling is that it is courteous to at least pop your head inside and let the other person know you are home. I'd do that even if I was living with friends or a flatmate. I was very taken back by this behaviour but more so by his attitude that it was one of my expectations and not a common thing to do. I know it is only a minor thing but I'm curious to what others think. He has been married before for 20 years so I'm not his first relationship and in my past I have never had this happen. 

You could say it's a difference in communication style or maybe a difference in the understanding of what it takes to live together harmoniously and build emotional closeness. So perhaps he doesn't realize that you actually have to know he's around in order to start getting the dinner ready. Some people really are that oblivious.

I'm like you. I like to touch base, let folks know I'm home when I come home, let them know I'm leaving if I'm leaving, give them a sense of when I'm coming back so that if they were planning to include me in something, they have the info they need. I do it because it makes my life easier and everybody else's life easier.

When you live with people, your lives are intertwined in various ways, so the exchange of this kind of information is useful for planning and for safety purposes. I can't tell you how many times I've heard of something going wrong (e.g. someone forgetting to pick a kid from school or someone going missing) and folks taking too long to swing into action because it took them long to figure out something was wrong. And I can't tell you how many times I've seen people like your husband express annoyance because something wasn't done the right way or at the right time (and yet they were the ones who withheld information that would have helped make it happen perfectly).

Edited September 28, 2020 by Acacia98

[Twiprere71]

Thanks for your replies. It is only a minor thing and it is not a big issue but it just surprises me that having been married with kids that there is not that common courtesy that I figured occurred in all relationships - well all Ive seen. I just wanted to know if it was my way of thinking or a common thing as I perceived.  It wasn't made a big thing of at the time I just mentioned it but his reply had me confounded. He thought it was an idealism that just I had.

He had to move for his job when we were seeing each other for about 4 months. I moved down 12 months later with leave from work. He will be here for another 6 - 12 months but will move back to where he used to live. He says he does think he is somewhere on the spectrum but I think we all are and as a teacher I haven't seen any consistent things that says he has social skills issues in general. He is a lovely guy, very loving and far from selfish but I'd think if I didn't know better that he has never been in a long term relationship at times. Just inconsiderate at times but aren't we all. His marriage wasn't the best from what I know with a very strong-willed, selfish wife who ended it so I presume from discussions and what has happened that things had been going wrong for a while and he didn't want to admit it.  He grew up in a happy household but was living away from his parents since he was 12 due to schooling. He grew up on a farm so I presume his dad never let his mum know when he was home because he was always somewhere on the farm. That makes some sense now. Your responses have been very helpful in getting me to think from another perspective.