Why am I desperately missing an ex after 9 months? Does it mean something or can this be scientifically explained?

[purpleunicorn1]

After 3 years of ups and downs (alot of downs) my ex and I decided to finally walk away and throw in the towel. It was very hard for the both of us. I can't speak for him because I suffer from major cognitive dissonance after the relationship, but I was very much truly in love. I didn't know I could love that much. At first it was surprisingly easy. He was controlling so him out of my life was a weight lifted in itself. We had broken up several times in the past so I knew what to do. I blocked his number and threw myself into activities to better myself (therapy, connecting with old friends, gym membership). The pain from the breakup was physically manifested in the beginning (Jan-March) it was horrible., but from April until present, it has become a slow emotional ache that I have just learned to carry and live with. I still think about him everyday. I haven't had the urge to contact him. He would reach out every now and then up until June to "check in" on me but eventually stopped because I was just very flat when he reached out. I didn't want to risk getting sucked into his magic again like I had in the past plus I was still hurting. 

Within the last week, I have just randomly cried about him (which I don't shed tears anymore over him) and he has been on my mind HEAVY. Yesterday I googled him just to see what came up and I literally wanted to text him so bad. WHAT IS GOING ON. It's been 9 months. I even caught myself making up a fake scenario of things working out for us. I haven't done that since we broke up. I feel like I'm regressing.

We broke up right before a global pandemic, I turned 27 after we broke up (and I always thought I would be married by this age) so I feel like an old cat woman, and my best friend who I became close with after the breakup has just moved away from the city  at the beginning of the month. Of course I take all this into account. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I need clarity and perspective. I woke up at 1 AM last night and was haunted by thoughts of him until 5 AM, I even tried to listen to his podcast just to hear his voice again lol help, something is really wrong.

Edited September 28, 2020 by purpleunicorn1

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, purpleunicorn1 said:

 I blocked his number and threw myself into activities to better myself (therapy, connecting with old friends, gym membership.

Sorry to hear this. It's great you are seeing a therapist. Is that where you were told you have cognitive dissonance from abuse? If you are depressed or need more support go to a doctor.

Also contact domestic violence support groups and read up on abusive relationships to understand things. You are lonely and longing for a relationship, not him. You only think of him because it's what you know and the intensity.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, purpleunicorn1 said:

We broke up right before a global pandemic, I turned 27 after we broke up (and I always thought I would be married by this age) so I feel like an old cat woman, and my best friend who I became close with after the breakup has just moved away from the city  at the beginning of the month. Of course I take all this into account. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. I need clarity and perspective. I woke up at 1 AM last night and was haunted by thoughts of him until 5 AM, I even tried to listen to his podcast just to hear his voice again lol help, something is really wrong.

Ok, just to be clear on one thing, at 27 you are FAR from cat lady territory. Maintain your health, appearance, and scintillating personality and you should do fine. There will be eligible men at every age, although it does get tougher for women. The more attractive you remain, the easier it tends to be to get a foot in the door, although there's certainly more to LTRs than looks.

It sounds like you may have break up limerence. If so, it will eventually pass, but it takes a lot longer that we would like. If it's true limerence, months is what it takes unfortunately.

It's good you recognize wishful thinking for what it is. Limerence is similar to addiction, and our limbic system is capable of "lying to us" to get what "it" wants (dopamine in the form of the other person). For example, by concocting scenarios that "up the drama/poignancy" of the situation. This cat lady thing is probably that for you actually, since it's far from true in reality.

Strongly suggest you avoid re-triggering by thoughts of what-ifs and stalking on social.  Also strongly consider doing things to maintain your brain health, such as hobbies, upbeat music, and distractions likes books and TV, but also:

- Socializing and/or "achievements" - boosts dopamine

- Time outside (at least 10 min/day) or doing "small acts of kindness" - boots serotonin (very important for limerence)

- "Cute" things like paying attention to small children or animal videos - boosts oxytocin

- Exercise/working out within your capabilities - boosts endogenous opiates

These things won't "fix" limerence, but they SHOULD take the edge off of your longing. Once this finally settles down, you'll be ready to move on. Also suggest you DO NOT compare the new person to your old BF because the limerence is probably distorting your perceptions somewhat. Limerence apparently tends to get triggered by dysfunctional situations, so I wouldn't go discarding a good partner just because they're not "taking you there". Your brain is what takes you there in reality, not the other person (ex or new) and that is not under our conscious control. After your limerence is done it will take many years before you can experience it again, since your brain has physiologically adjusted to higher than normal dopamine levels.

[Datergirl]

I would recommend resisting the urge to google him and to listen to his podcast, these things are only going to set you back in the getting over him phase. 

I do know exactly how you feel though, my ex and I would break up and get back together all the time. I've lost count of how many times. I've had to block him and all his family and friends, as when he randomly messages me and I'm having a weak moment I could think its a good idea to 'give it one more try'. God knows why, because it hasn't worked out the millions of times we've already tried!! 

Get rid of everything that remjmds you of him, photos (or maybe just store them somewhere so they're not easily accessible) emails, delete and block his number, change up your living space so it's not the same as when you were together. 

When you find yourself dreaming of scenarios where you get back together, remind yourself of all the awful things he did or said that upset you and why you know deep down you deserve better.