beautifulday321 Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 Hello - A guy I used to hook up with has contacted me after 20 years. It was a physical relationship then, but we truly liked each other, we were just very young and living life and having fun. We have stayed connected thanks to social media, but never have we “talked” all these years. We ran into each other a couple times, and I could tell we were genuinely happy to see each other, once I hugged him, it just felt like the right thing to do, and both times I was with my spouse (once he was with his). By our posts we see of one another’s, it’s very clear we have very much in common, from important issues to simple things. In that 20 years, he married (divorced a couple years ago) has children and same for me. I received a message from him a week ago, just saying hello. It has turned into talking every day, sharing some very intimate moments, laughing, and just talking about everyday things. Yesterday was the first day I did not hear from him and I feel so sad. I know - dumb! Here we e not really spoken nor seen each other, we talk for one week straight, I don’t hear from him for one day and I’m sad. The real kicker in this whole thing is, we live very far away from each other now. Should I just put a stop to this insanity or see where it goes? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 What do you want to do? How far away is far away? If it involves an airplane & you both have school aged children you have to assume you won't be able to close the gap. In a pandemic are you actually going to board a plane just to get laid? If it's fun, carry on but I wouldn't put any part of my life on hold for this. It's just something to pass the time right now. Obviously if there is a plan to close the distance, that changes the equation Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 2 hours ago, beautifulday321 said: The real kicker in this whole thing is, we live very far away from each other now. Do you live in different states, on opposite coasts in the U.S., or do you live in two separate countries? Like d0nnivain pointed out, you have two serious issues to consider: 1) we're in a pandemic so you'd be risking getting COVID by getting on a plane just to have sex with an old affair partner and 2) you each are divorced with school-aged children so it seems kind of irresponsible to me, to go off the rails like that for some guy you had great sex with 20 years ago. 2 hours ago, beautifulday321 said: Should I just put a stop to this insanity or see where it goes? Yes. I would. Reconnecting online and waxing nostalgic of how great your sex lives were together 20 years ago is fine. But the reality is much different now. Each of you are single parents, due to your divorces. And, you live very far apart from each other geographically. Unless one of you is willing to uproot his/her children, give up a job, sell a house, etc.,. for the other, you really should nip this fantasy in the bud now. From a financial standpoint, it's not practical at all. That is, unless you are both filthy rich and don't mind taking your children with you on your continental trysts for a long 3-day weekend? Date locally. Much easier for you both. The past is the past. Best to leave it there. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 2 hours ago, beautifulday321 said: In that 20 years, he married (divorced a couple years ago) has children and same for me. The real kicker in this whole thing is, we live very far away from each other now. Having a pen pal is nice but don't think of this as rekindling anything, since you are long distance now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautifulday321 Posted September 28, 2020 Author Share Posted September 28, 2020 Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this. We live in the same country, and we are about a 20 hour drive apart. Yes, his kids are younger, mine is a teen. He just moved away 3 months ago and comes back often to visit family and friends. I guess I love just being able to chat and am honestly cool with it being just that....friends. But can it now that we took it to a sexual level in our conversations already? Can we be just friends knowing there is sexual attraction? For example, he texted me good morning today and we’ve just been small talk chatting and it’s been nice. I’m just afraid that since we took it to that level of intimacy (not to mention that’s what our relationship once mostly was) can we just be friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, beautifulday321 said: Thank you everyone for your thoughts on this. We live in the same country, and we are about a 20 hour drive apart. Yes, his kids are younger, mine is a teen. He just moved away 3 months ago and comes back often to visit family and friends. I guess I love just being able to chat and am honestly cool with it being just that....friends. But can it now that we took it to a sexual level in our conversations already? Can we be just friends knowing there is sexual attraction? For example, he texted me good morning today and we’ve just been small talk chatting and it’s been nice. I’m just afraid that since we took it to that level of intimacy (not to mention that’s what our relationship once mostly was) can we just be friends? Like wiseman pointed out, you two are pen pals who are sexting each other. Probably because you are lonely as single divorced parents with children, you two have a romantic history with each other so you are familiar to each other. You are in limerence right now with each other. (Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated.) That is not the same as real love. You two are having fun, flirting over text messaging and b/c he occasionally visits friends and family he could realistically go out on dates and be intimate with you again. So if that is the route you go, eventually, one of you will have to uproot your family to be with the other one. There is no other outcome then that, if you truly want to turn this reconnection into an offline, real relationship that starts long distance. Eventually you will have to uproot your teenager, find a new job in his city/state, or he will have to move back to your city which he LEFT by the way, after his divorce. I think you should nip the sexting in the bud today. Just remain platonic friends. Continue your pen-pal-ship via text but leave the limerence and sexting out of it. Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) 43 minutes ago, beautifulday321 said: He just moved away 3 months ago and comes back often to visit family and friends. * * * I’m just afraid that since we took it to that level of intimacy (not to mention that’s what our relationship once mostly was) can we just be friends? He's waxing nostalgic for home since he moved away & hasn't made new contacts in his new place since everything is closed. Sure you can be "just friends" now. 20 years have passed. But since he wasn't getting in touch after his divorce while he was local this is just about seeing what he can get while he's desperate for company / entertainment. Edited September 28, 2020 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 4 hours ago, beautifulday321 said: and both times I was with my spouse (once he was with his). In that 20 years, he married (divorced a couple years ago) has children and same for me. Just to clarify, do you mean you are now divorced as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 49 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: But since he wasn't getting in touch after his divorce while he was local this is just about seeing what he can get while he's desperate for company / entertainment. That's actually a great point. Why wasn't he connecting with you OP, while before he moved away after his divorce? He's probably very lonely and reaching out to for some emotional security. Totally makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautifulday321 Posted September 28, 2020 Author Share Posted September 28, 2020 He didn’t contact me previously because I was married at the time and have recently got divorced as well. However, regardless of that, I believe much of what you all are saying is correct. I just think he is lonely (even though he mentioned he has a lady friend whom he states he cares about deeply but is afraid he will have to break it off soon just because they can’t see eye to eye on important issues. He does consider himself single and not tied down. So we did talk about that sort of stuff. I do agree that it’s best to just keep it friendly with no sexting. So let’s hope today is the beginning of that. As I mentioned, we chatted completely innocently today and I am just going to assume he has come to realize that is the best way to go also. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, beautifulday321 said: He didn’t contact me previously because I was married at the time and have recently got divorced as well. However, regardless of that, I believe much of what you all are saying is correct. I just think he is lonely (even though he mentioned he has a lady friend whom he states he cares about deeply but is afraid he will have to break it off soon just because they can’t see eye to eye on important issues. He does consider himself single and not tied down. So we did talk about that sort of stuff. I do agree that it’s best to just keep it friendly with no sexting. So let’s hope today is the beginning of that. As I mentioned, we chatted completely innocently today and I am just going to assume he has come to realize that is the best way to go also. I think you should just tell him that since he's casually dating another woman where he now lives, that you aren't comfortable carrying out the sexting anymore anyway. Doesn't matter that he doesn't see eye to eye on her. What he wants, is to sext with you, whom he has a history with, while he casually dates this other woman. Put yourself in her shoes. If she came across the sexts between you and your friend whom she's dating, how do you think she'd feel? Betrayed, is my guess. If he's single, he's acting like an ass. Dating a woman while sexting with an old flame. He's going to hurt you emotionally, by leading you on doing that, and hurt whomever he happens to be dating. So, that should motivate you to stop doing this with him. But, if you are just going to assume he'll stop, then I think that's because you don't really want it to stop, correct? There's nothing wrong with establishing boundaries. What's stopping you from setting boundaries with him verbally? Sure you'll miss the nostalgia and the sexting, but what you'll end up with is feeling hurt in the long run if you don't tell him to stop. Doesn't matter that you two have a past. What matters is how you move forward. So far, he's flailing from his divorce and clinging to whomever he can get attention from. Do you really want to be that woman? Cut him off now, keep the texts platonic, and stop him from pushing you into developing feelings for him when he doesn't know which way is up or down, apparently, b/c he's "single." Save yourself and your emotional energy for a man who is local to you instead. Edited September 28, 2020 by Watercolors 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) 35 minutes ago, beautifulday321 said: he mentioned he has a lady friend whom he states he cares about deeply. Agree. upon hearing this you need to end the sexting rather than listen to 'my gf doesn't understand me, we're on the verge of breaking up" stories. Anyone who mentions they "care deeply about" whoever, then sexts someone is up to nonsense. Scale way back on the communication in general. Perhaps a general hello here or there. Keep in mind, if his gf finds your exchanges he may suddenly ghost. It may be best if you are ready for dating/romance to start talking to and meeting local men, either through quality dating apps or by volunteering, joining groups, clubs, sports, taking classes, etc. Edited September 28, 2020 by Wiseman2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. upon hearing this you need to end the sexting rather than listen to 'my gf doesn't understand me, we're on the verge of breaking up" stories. Anyone who mentions they "care deeply about" whoever, then sexts someone is up to nonsense. I concur. He's playing you both and you've allowed it up to this point. 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Scale way back on the communication in general. Perhaps a general hello here or there. Keep in mind, if his gf finds your exchanges he may suddenly ghost. Way back. As in, not every day, multiple times a day like you have become used to doing with him. You two are not dating or married to each other. You are just casual friends who once had a relationship 20 years ago, and now live 20 hours apart from each other. There is no reason for you to invest so much time texting him, unless you want a romantic relationship with him. And I guarantee you he will ghost you, once his girlfriend there finds the texts between you and him. 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It may be best if you are ready for dating/romance to start talking to and meeting local men, either through quality dating apps or by volunteering, joining groups, clubs, sports, taking classes, etc. Again, I concur. Time to step out of that fun albeit temporary limerence you had with your old flame, and back to reality. You should have no problem meeting quality men in your city. Let your old flame find his footing by himself, in his new city after his divorce. He's a grown man with his own elementary-aged children and a new girlfriend. You were just a fun distraction for him, and he led you on to consider that he wanted more but he really doesn't. Extricate yourself from that now. Become casual acquaintances again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, beautifulday321 said: Should I just put a stop to this insanity or see where it goes? Edited to delete - please disregard post. Advice above seems good! Edited September 28, 2020 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author beautifulday321 Posted September 29, 2020 Author Share Posted September 29, 2020 I absolutely agree with every single thing each of you has said. However the only thing I am unsure of is, do I text him and tell him the sexting has to stop or just wait and see if he tries taking it there again. I thought about texting and just saying hello and that I hope things are well with “your gf”, keeping it very casual and vague and being up his “lady friend” but refer to her as HIS GF. That way I’m steering away from him thinking we can continue to sext and he starts to realize I’ve decided against it, because perhaps he has decided against it also. Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 25 minutes ago, beautifulday321 said: I absolutely agree with every single thing each of you has said. However the only thing I am unsure of is, do I text him and tell him the sexting has to stop or just wait and see if he tries taking it there again. I thought about texting and just saying hello and that I hope things are well with “your gf”, keeping it very casual and vague and being up his “lady friend” but refer to her as HIS GF. That way I’m steering away from him thinking we can continue to sext and he starts to realize I’ve decided against it, because perhaps he has decided against it also. Well, I can't advise you on "how" because I don't know you or that guy and how your conversation slang or vibe goes with each other. Are you quippy? Straight forward? Public radio-like? Sarcastic? I think you should go with your gut on this one. You know which approach is best for your comfort level. Put yourself first here. Stop thinking about what makes him comfortable vs. what makes YOU comfortable. You are setting the boundary up with him, so you can set it up however you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 13 hours ago, beautifulday321 said: . I just think he is lonely (even though he mentioned he has a lady friend whom he states he cares about deeply but is afraid he will have to break it off soon just because they can’t see eye to eye on important issues. He does consider himself single and not tied down. Dear me, huge red flag right here, OP. This guy is not being honest with you. He considers himself single, so what is there to "break off"? Me thinks he is trying to keep you in his back pocket by minimizing his relationship with this other woman, but there's a lot more to that than he's admitting to you. He's sexting with you because he's hit a rough patch with his girlfriend. I would drop this dude quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 (edited) On 9/28/2020 at 8:25 PM, beautifulday321 said: I thought about texting and just saying hello and that I hope things are well with “your gf”, don't do that.... that's shady and passive /aggressive. Let him text you and when he moves into sexting territory, nip it in the bud--that you don't want to be a party to hurting someone who's never done anything to you to warrant that behavior. Edited October 19, 2020 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted December 29, 2020 Share Posted December 29, 2020 On 10/19/2020 at 11:44 PM, kendahke said: don't do that.... that's shady and passive /aggressive. Let him text you and when he moves into sexting territory, nip it in the bud--that you don't want to be a party to hurting someone who's never done anything to you to warrant that behavior. kind of related to my thread about starting sexual convos. But why isnt it creepy or wrong for these people to do it and my question to OP how does one start it? clearly it works Link to post Share on other sites
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