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Inappropriate texts or affair?


QTpie123

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Would these texts between a Married man and a single woman be considered an affair or just inappropriate?

asking for nudes from husband to OW constantly 

offering to buy OW jewelry in exchange for nudes—nothing was ever bought 

offering to buy lingerie for OW-none ever bought 

trying to find a time to meet up-they live in different states and never met in person. Relationship started online 

offering to fly her to our home for her to stay for a “vacation”  I agreed it would be ok before i knew what was happening  I just thought she was a friend looking to relocate to our state and wanted to stay with us to look at job opportunities and housing  I feel dumb now 

talking about how older men know how to preform better In bed than younger men

explaining to her that he couldn’t get her pregnant 

since they never met nothing physical ever happened 

there are more but these are the most notable

Texts spanned for 7 years that I know of   

 

 

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Asking for a friend?  I'm going to take a wild guess that you are the BS here. For EAs, the lines are blurred and YOUR opinion, as the BS, counts for a lot. If you think it was an affair, consider it that. If you feel it was "merely" inappropriate, well that would be your personal take.

I think the question to ask here is not one of definitions, but, since you apparently know all this took place, of consequences and next steps.

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34 minutes ago, QTpie123 said:

 

offering to buy OW jewelry in exchange for nudes—nothing was ever bought 

offering to buy lingerie for OW-none ever bought 

offering to fly her to our home for her to stay for a “vacation”  

Texts spanned for 7 years that I know of   

 

 

 How did you come across these texts? Are you still married/living together? Have you checked your credit scores, bank accounts and credit cards? Has he opened accounts? It sounds like he is communicating with a sex worker.

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42 minutes ago, QTpie123 said:

Would these texts between a Married man and a single woman be considered an affair or just inappropriate?

asking for nudes from husband to OW constantly 

offering to buy OW jewelry in exchange for nudes—nothing was ever bought 

offering to buy lingerie for OW-none ever bought 

trying to find a time to meet up-they live in different states and never met in person. Relationship started online 

offering to fly her to our home for her to stay for a “vacation”  I agreed it would be ok before i knew what was happening  I just thought she was a friend looking to relocate to our state and wanted to stay with us to look at job opportunities and housing  I feel dumb now 

talking about how older men know how to preform better In bed than younger men

explaining to her that he couldn’t get her pregnant 

since they never met nothing physical ever happened 

there are more but these are the most notable

Texts spanned for 7 years that I know of   

 

 

How long have you been married to your husband? More than 7 years? Have you and your husband had problems in the bedroom? What problems in your marriage do you think have caused your husband to cheat on you via text messaging with this woman?

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

 How did you come across these texts? Are you still married/living together? Have you checked your credit scores, bank accounts and credit cards? Has he opened accounts? It sounds like he is communicating with a sex worker.

My phone died. He gave me his phone to use until i was able to get a new one. All his texts and photos shared were still on his phone 

ive been through the finances throughly. And found little to nothing spent on items that weren’t out of the ordinary. I did find charges to strip clubs 2 different nights totaling a little over $3k. Claims the guys he was with didn’t want to put it on their cards because their wives would be mad so he paid and they paid him cash. He claims he didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. 

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Yes. And what sort of fool asks his wife to allow his AP to stay at their home. That is some really large steel testicles

He claims he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. And every time he texted her inappropriate texts he was drunk. Of course this doesn’t matter to me. 

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

How long have you been married to your husband? More than 7 years? Have you and your husband had problems in the bedroom? What problems in your marriage do you think have caused your husband to cheat on you via text messaging with this woman?

We’ve been together for 23 years, 19 married. As far as problems in the bedroom he wants more adventurous sex than I’m comfortable with but i really thought everything was ok on that front.
 

I’m not sure what problems would cause this affair. We are in marriage counseling to figure this out now. 

 

what does BS and EA mean?

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4 minutes ago, QTpie123 said:

My phone died. He gave me his phone to use until i was able to get a new one. All his texts and photos shared were still on his phone 

ive been through the finances throughly. And found little to nothing spent on items that weren’t out of the ordinary. I did find charges to strip clubs 2 different nights totaling a little over $3k. Claims the guys he was with didn’t want to put it on their cards because their wives would be mad so he paid and they paid him cash. He claims he didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. 

He claims he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. And every time he texted her inappropriate texts he was drunk. Of course this doesn’t matter to me. 

We’ve been together for 23 years, 19 married. As far as problems in the bedroom he wants more adventurous sex than I’m comfortable with but i really thought everything was ok on that front.
 

I’m not sure what problems would cause this affair. We are in marriage counseling to figure this out now. 

 

what does BS and EA mean?

BS = betrayed spouse
EA = emotional affair

I'm glad to hear that you are in marriage counseling with your husband now to navigate through your issues with the marriage. 23 years together is a long time to be invested with another person.

I can't believe your husband gave you such a flimsy excuse about the strip club charges on his credit cards. Texting her when he's drunk. Hmm. Why doesn't that matter to you? He's not telling you something if he's texting another woman while he's drunk.

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14 minutes ago, QTpie123 said:

. I did find charges to strip clubs 2 different nights totaling a little over $3k

He claims he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. And every time he texted her inappropriate texts he was drunk. 

We’ve been together for 23 years, 19 married.

I’m not sure what problems would cause this affair. We are in marriage counseling to figure this out now. 

Any sort of extracurricular sexual situation is never your fault. Excellent you are in marriage therapy. He seems to have a handy excuse for every indiscretion,  whether it's  3k in strip clubs or being drunk when he texts this women..

Problems don't cause affairs, affairs cause problems.

It may be wise to consult a therapist of your own. Do not tell him. Also even if you do not want a divorce, have a free consultation with an attorney to see what your options are. In this situation, you need knowledge and leverage.

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The minute there are discussions of nudity it's a problem.  Offers of gifts are simply wrong.   Almost every single thing you mentioned is a violation of your marriage.  

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47 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

BS = betrayed spouse
EA = emotional affair

I'm glad to hear that you are in marriage counseling with your husband now to navigate through your issues with the marriage. 23 years together is a long time to be invested with another person.

I can't believe your husband gave you such a flimsy excuse about the strip club charges on his credit cards. Texting her when he's drunk. Hmm. Why doesn't that matter to you? He's not telling you something if he's texting another woman while he's drunk.

What I meant by it doesn’t matter is that it doesn’t matter if he was drunk or sober when he texted these things. He did it. And the next morning when he was sober and read through the messages he should have seen what was happening and stopped it after the first incident. 

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40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Any sort of extracurricular sexual situation is never your fault. Excellent you are in marriage therapy. He seems to have a handy excuse for every indiscretion,  whether it's  3k in strip clubs or being drunk when he texts this women..

Problems don't cause affairs, affairs cause problems.

It may be wise to consult a therapist of your own. Do not tell him. Also even if you do not want a divorce, have a free consultation with an attorney to see what your options are. In this situation, you need knowledge and leverage.

I have an individual counselor and am working through coping techniques with her for anxiety. And setting boundaries. 
 

 

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17 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Is he also seeing an IC? MC has a low chance of success if he is still involved in extra-martial activities.

He is talking to a life coach. He has stopped all contact with the OW. But there is so much more to the story I didn’t tell. It’s a very complicated situation. 

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Be aware that affairs are like an addiction. I'm sure your IC has explained that to you. Treat him like you would a drug addict.

Be vigilant that he didn't take the affair underground. You can't stop him from doing it. There are too many avenues now-a-days from a burner phones to library computers.

Measure your chance of success to fix this by the amount of effort he is willing to put in.

He has to do all the heavy lifting. He has to make you feel safe again or it's all for naught.

Good luck.

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This was an affair he was desperately trying to make happen. 

Your husband has no respect for you. You can be sure that what you have discovered is not all there is to know. 

And if he racking up thousands at strip clubs in just a couple nights? He’s very likely getting more than lap dances, OP

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed personal attack.
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58 minutes ago, QTpie123 said:

He is talking to a life coach. He has stopped all contact with the OW. But there is so much more to the story I didn’t tell. It’s a very complicated situation. 

How complicated?

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35 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

How complicated?

I was ready to divorce him 16 years ago. Had papers drawn up. Never gave them to him. During this time I have an affair lasted 4 months. I hated myself and was completely shamed by my actions. Husband and I worked through and stayed together. 
 

little did I know at that same time he had pulled away from me because he had started an affair with a woman he worked with. I found this out in 2016 when the OW husband contacted my husband and my husband decided to tell me. When he told me about this affair that was physical he was already in the above mentioned EA but failed to mention it or end it claiming that he didn’t realize what he was doing was wrong and that she was just a friend. 
 

once I found out about above mentioned EA I started looking deeper and found one email from a lady who was some sort of amateur celebrity offering a “date” night for $$ he replied and said he would take her up on this offer if he ever traveled to her state. 
 

he says he likes talking about sex and this is the only reason he communicated with the EA woman and emailed the other one back. 
 

add in the strip club charges and that he is a pilot and travels a lot and it makes it very hard to trust or move on. 
 

ETA:  I have been 100% faithful since my affair and have looked at no one other than my husband. I will never do that to myself again. 

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6 minutes ago, QTpie123 said:

he says he likes talking about sex and this is the only reason he communicated with the EA woman and emailed the other one back.

And if you believe that one, I have a bridge I'd like to sell you.

Also pilots - bad rep...

Edited by mark clemson
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1 minute ago, QTpie123 said:

I was ready to divorce him 16 years ago. Had papers drawn up. Never gave them to him. During this time I have an affair lasted 4 months. I hated myself and was completely shamed by my actions. Husband and I worked through and stayed together. 
 

little did I know at that same time he had pulled away from me because he had started an affair with a woman he worked with. I found this out in 2016 when the OW husband contacted my husband and my husband decided to tell me. When he told me about this affair that was physical he was already in the above mentioned EA but failed to mention it or end it claiming that he didn’t realize what he was doing was wrong and that she was just a friend. 
 

once I found out about above mentioned EA I started looking deeper and found one email from a lady who was some sort of amateur celebrity offering a “date” night for $$ he replied and said he would take her up on this offer if he ever traveled to her state. 
 

he says he likes talking about sex and this is the only reason he communicated with the EA woman and emailed the other one back. 
 

add in the strip club charges and that he is a pilot and travels a lot and it makes it very hard to trust or move on. 

Well, I'm sorry that you both had affairs. That's rather revealing don't you think? Two people who are truly compatible just don't cheat on each other like that. Do they?

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6 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Two people who are truly compatible just don't cheat on each other like that. Do they?

Often that would be true. Or they might be perfect for each other. Depends on the people.

OP, do you accept his affairs?  If not, well, think you need to face the music here as it's pretty clear what's going on.

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9 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Well, I'm sorry that you both had affairs. That's rather revealing don't you think? Two people who are truly compatible just don't cheat on each other like that. Do they?

This has been on my mind. I really truly thought we had a strong marriage and was blessed to have this man who could forgive my affair. And now I realize it was because he was doing the same. 😕
 

ETA: that made me sound like I was unfaithful. I was not after my affair. 

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1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Often that would be true. Or they might be perfect for each other. Depends on the people.

OP, do you accept his affairs?  If not, well, think you need to face the music here as it's pretty clear what's going on.

Well, my grandparents met when they were in high school and stayed married until their deaths. They never cheated on each other either. And, my parents never cheated on each other either. I guess my belief is, when you are with someone truly compatible to you in every way, you just won't cheat on them because you are happy and satisfied with who they are and what they contribute to your life. I view cheating as a symptom of dissatisfaction. I view it as a reaction to a dysfunctional relationship.

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1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Often that would be true. Or they might be perfect for each other. Depends on the people.

OP, do you accept his affairs?  If not, well, think you need to face the music here as it's pretty clear what's going on.

I forgave the 1st one this second one and ever thing I’ve found since has thrown me for a loop. 
 

I still love the man. I don’t anyone else who is as compatible with me personality wise!  
 

But I’m considering divorce at this point.  It’s hard to overlook multiple indiscretions. 
 

I most likely know what you are alluding to when you say “it’s pretty clear what’s going on” but Could you spell it out?  My brain is dead right now 

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3 minutes ago, QTpie123 said:

This has been on my mind. I really truly thought we had a strong marriage and was blessed to have this man who could forgive my affair. And now I realize it was because he was doing the same. 😕

In terms of compatibility though, do you think you and your husband are compatible at all? Obviously, you both cheated on each other throughout the marriage and you were ready to divorce him but never went through with it. So, that seems like, to me anyway, two people who are unhappy with each other, yet stay together despite being unhappy.

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