She's unsure about contacting me

[JCC]

Background:

She's 8 years older than me and in her late 40s.  She's been married 20 years and has 2 kids, both late teens.  We've been dating for a year and a half with your typical couple spats from time to time.  But about 5 weeks ago we were having dinner and drinks with her daughter and the night was great.  At some point the alcohol took over and the night quickly went from amazing to bad.  It was a lot of name calling between my ex and I after we were at her place after dinner, she threw a glass bowl at me after I left her apartment, and I foolishly threw it back to scare her but it hit her and cut her.  Cops were called, they said to press charges and she refused  I had already left.  4 weeks went by with 0 contact.  Not texts, calls, nothing from either of us.

A mutual friend of ours managed to get us in the same room to talk.  We both had some drinks in us and we were actually civil.  After last call, we walked my friend to her car then I walked my ex back to her apartment and she invited me in.  She and I talked and we both had wished this all had never happened.  She made it clear she wanted me to stay the night and sleep with her but I didn't see that as a good idea.  We started texting again the next day.  I found out she stayed in bed depressed the next day all day and she had a chance to sleep with an old f*** buddy but refused him.  The next couple of days we text and she makes it clear she misses me and she wishes this never happened but we cannot be in a relationship again because her kids would lose all respect for her due to me hitting her with a bowl.  We also share many friends and they all would most likely be pissed about it due to the group now being weird.

During our texting the next day she makes it clear she wants me to come over with a series of comments that are obvious.  I ignore them but the following day after texting her more, I call her and we talk for 3 and a half hours.  She again says she wants me to come over.  I do, and we sleep together that night.  We hang out all day the next 2 days and have a blast the whole time.  Then for the weekend she goes back to her house (she has 2 places) for her kids (Split custody every other week).  We don't talk for most of the weekend until Sunday.

 

What do I do:

After the 2 days we hung out I learned that she needs closure just as I do as we went from being part of each others lives to nothing for a whole month literally over night.  She went from outright hating me, to willing to talk, to wanting me to stay over then talking to me on text, phone, and us hanging out a few days just as if nothing happened.  Any time we talk I am the one initiating but she always responds quickly.  I would like us to get back together and she has made it clear she wants to as well but she doesn't think it will work and she doesn't want to lose her kids' respect.  I know she is struggling with all of this and she knows how I feel.  I'd like us to get back together but I am not sure what to do next.  I know she misses me and wants to be in a relationship with me but is conflicted.  she isn't initiating communication, only responding.

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like she is done, and it's probably for the best. This doesn't appear to be a healthy relationship, and you two both need to get yourselves together individually. Drinking, name-calling, throwing things at each other...this is incredibly toxic now. Maybe someday you could be friendly again but I don't get the impression that she's interested in reconciling. Whatever her reasoning, it's evident that she just doesn't feel it's in her best interests to try again.  

How long has she been divorced? 

[schlumpy]

So it's either heaven or it's hell. Why nothing between?

I also note that instead of talking about what a great person she is and how she makes you feel you describe a party attitude of drinking and having a blast.

If you two get together you need do a lot of work through therapy on anger and the abuse of alcohol.

Some people can handle drinking just fine but you and your SO are not one of them. If you don't believe me have an honest conversation with friends and family that are around you when you drink.

Dropping out the drinking crowd would greatly benefit you both. It might allow you to find that middle ground that you are lacking. Maybe there are other emotions to explore aside from "having a blast" and "throwing things at each other."

If not, then you can still go your separate ways. 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, JCC said:

  I'd like us to get back together but I am not sure what to do next.  I

You get your head examined.  There was so much VIOLENCE that the cops had to be called.  The minute the police get involved there is no going back EVER.  Stay away.  Stop talking.  Stop caring about whether she's depresses or about closure.  You know what your closure is going to be?  The jail cell closing behind you when this happens again & you end up with a criminal record.  

No No No.  This is bad news.  She can't handle her liquor & you two fight too much.  There is no such thing as the "usual couple spats."  I've been married for almost 12 yeas.  We've had 2 fights & maybe a handful of times when we disagree but no spats.  

[JCC]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 How long has she been divorced? 

For 6 years.  She was at fault for cheating.

[JCC]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

There is no such thing as the "usual couple spats."  I've been married for almost 12 yeas.  We've had 2 fights & maybe a handful of times when we disagree but no spats.  

I may have misled you.  What I mean by spats as in we do have disagreements but it's never anger filled such as this one was.  We will argue from time to time but it's always civil.

[JCC]

5 hours ago, schlumpy said:

So it's either heaven or it's hell. Why nothing between?

I also note that instead of talking about what a great person she is and how she makes you feel you describe a party attitude of drinking and having a blast.

If you two get together you need do a lot of work through therapy on anger and the abuse of alcohol.

Some people can handle drinking just fine but you and your SO are not one of them. If you don't believe me have an honest conversation with friends and family that are around you when you drink.

Dropping out the drinking crowd would greatly benefit you both. It might allow you to find that middle ground that you are lacking. Maybe there are other emotions to explore aside from "having a blast" and "throwing things at each other."

If not, then you can still go your separate ways. 

I tend to agree. we do have great times together and we've had an amazing history in the year and a half we've known each other as well as going out and having fun with our friends but we are a drinking group for sure.  I would certainly be open to abandoning the group and trying to work on us but I'm not so sure she is ready to do that.  She mentioned that after all of this she thinks it might be time to move on from the group but I want to see her prove it.

[Fletch Lives]

Stop drinking! You guys are turning into ******s when you are under the influence.

You should have not thrown the bowl back - when she threw the bowl at you, you should have left and broken up with her, and moved on to a new woman (and the drinking probably made the whole thing worse)

You have to practice self-control and not get violent in a relationship - and not date people who do. 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, JCC said:

I may have misled you.  What I mean by spats as in we do have disagreements but it's never anger filled such as this one was.  We will argue from time to time but it's always civil.

OK.  Nobody has to be in lock step all the time.  Disagreement can be healthy but as long as it isn't a spat/fight/quarrel it isn't terrible. 

Still she threw something at you.  You threw it back, drew blood & the cops got involved.  That is way over the top. 

With her history of cheating, what is the upside for you of sticking around with this violent unstable disloyal person?  

Just walk away.  

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, JCC said:

At some point the alcohol took over and the night quickly went from amazing to bad. I foolishly threw it back to scare her but it hit her and cut her.  Cops were called, they said to press charges.

You need to get into AA and stop getting drunk and violent. It's that simple. Keep in mind she can still press charges at ant y time, so get a good criminal defense attorney on speed dial.

Start AA so if something comes up, at least it looks like you are taking some positive steps toward sobriety and domestic violence.

It doesn't matter who started it. What the cops look at is assault/injuries. Stay away from relationships and dating until you get your alcohol and temper under control. 

[Azincourt]

She's 8 years older, was married for 20 years, and she has a daughter. Why do you want to get involved in any of that mess? Go meet women your own age who aren't divorced and don't already have a kid.

If you are addicted to alcohol, you oughta go to the doctor and get into getting cleaned-up, then you should think about dating again, when the poison that alcohol is has left your life.

Edited September 29, 2020 by Azincourt