I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself.

[introuble2020]

Hello everyone.

I know I may be judged but I’d like some help with the recent ending of my affair.

It had been going on for 4 months and I ended it on Friday. 

I was trying to be friends with him (mainly his idea) but it just doesn’t work. I’ve told him that it’s not fair on us or our partners and that the line has been crossed so it’s therefore impossible.

I’m in a long term relationship of 4 years and he has been married for 30 years (married very young). I have no children and he has a son in his 20s, who doesn't live with him. There’s a 14 year age gap between us.

I said to him on Friday, don’t you feel guilty about all this? He said I do...but I just like you so much? This is just plain selfish right? Looking back, he never expressed any guilt about what we did.

It all felt so exciting at the beginning but I’m tired of it all and feel so guilty about what I’ve done. I just want to forget it ever happened. I plan to get some counselling about why I have done this. I actually thought I loved him at one point.

I went around to his house and ended it by saying I think we should go no contact forever. He was shocked but didn't try to stop me. I said if you really care for me, you’ll let this go and that it’s seriously affecting my mental health.

He nodded and said I don’t want you to be unhappy. I then drove home. He messaged immediately after I left saying please give me one last chance to be friends. That there would be no more flirting or trying to get close to me etc. I ignored the message. It’s now been 4 days since he sent it. This is the longest amount of time that we haven’t been in touch. 

He usually love bombs me or sends me lyrics to songs to win me back but nothing this time.

Has anyone been through no contact with their affair partner? Any tips? I’ve blocked him on social media and deleted his number.

When we have tried to be friends before, it always builds it up so we end up kissing etc and around we go again.

I know that the only way to never let this happen again is to never to see him again...ever. He lives 5 miles away from me and I could see him in the local shop (I only go in every so often but I am now going to avoid it).

This thing all started when I started looking after his pet cats. We got on like a house on fire and our connection was intense. This developed over the months. From chatting to kissing etc. He made the first move saying there was something between us. There was but we should have resisted.

Every time I tried to end it he’d say, who is going to look after the cats and my wife will suspect there’s something wrong if we aren’t speaking anymore and you will not look after them...? This was manipulation looking back. I do worry that this may happen though. His wife thinks we were friends. 

Has anyone else gone through this? I feel terrible.

It’s almost like I became a different person and was in a fantasy land. I can see clearly now that the whole thing has been so toxic and unfair to our partners. I love my OH a lot and lost my mind for a while. I really believe I was in the middle of a strong grip limerence and deep in affair fog.

I will miss his friendship but we can never be friends like when we first met. 

I just want to add that I never wanted to be with him properly but he said he wanted to be with properly (when in most intense part of affair) and had looked at houses for us etc, showing me cash he’d saved up and links to houses. He’d even looked up how long it takes to get a divorce...I never said I felt the same. He also talked about what beautiful kids we’d have and what we’d call them. 
 

Part of me thinks he’s a total creep but another part of me feels like I led him on and maybe he is genuinely in love with me. Who knows if he was just saying it all to keep me around. He made references all the way through that he wanted to marry me and saw ME as his wife, not his actual wife. I should have thought his poor wife but I didn’t and had blinkers on...clearly.

I feel angry with myself for being so weak. I’m a horrible person.

Has anyone been through something similar to me? I’m particularly interested in people who have ended their affairs and worked on their marriages and how the NC worked long term. Any tips on what to do if he makes contact or I see him? Also, what should I do about the cat sitting situation?
 

[stillafool]

Glad you came out of the fog.  No you can't be his friend because you two don't know how to be just friends and it will start up again.  If you never wanted to actuallly be with him it should be pretty easy to put this behind you and move on.  Obviously you can no longer cat sit for them.  Go strict NC to make sure this doesn't start up again.

[introuble2020]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Glad you came out of the fog.  No you can't be his friend because you two don't know how to be just friends and it will start up again.  If you never wanted to actuallly be with him it should be pretty easy to put this behind you and move on.  Obviously you can no longer cat sit for them.  Go strict NC to make sure this doesn't start up again.

Thanks for your advice. Do you think he actually loved me or was using me? Have you been in a similar situation? 

[introuble2020]

26 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Glad you came out of the fog.  No you can't be his friend because you two don't know how to be just friends and it will start up again.  If you never wanted to actuallly be with him it should be pretty easy to put this behind you and move on.  Obviously you can no longer cat sit for them.  Go strict NC to make sure this doesn't start up again.

I’ll be honest...I do miss him but know I could have never have been with him properly. I’m on antidepressants which have helped a lot. The main reason I could never have been with him properly would be that I’d never be able to trust him (yes, I know...hypocrite right?) and wouldn’t want to break up such a long marriage which obviously worked until I came along. I asked if he was happy and he said he wasn’t unhappy but...then trailed off.

I am generally shocked at my behaviour. I clearly have no morals whatsoever. 

[pepperbird2]

Whatever his motives may or may not have been don't matter. What matters is your internal morals and values system. It doesn't sound like you are cut our to be "the other woman" or "the cheating spouse".
That's actually  wonderful thing. Don't knock it. I would suggest to you that you get some counselling and talk all this over. Try and figure out what you made the choices you did. I wuld also point out that is this man tries to keep a friendship between you, it's coming from a  very selfish place.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Rainydayz22 said:

Thanks for your advice. Do you think he actually loved me or was using me? Have you been in a similar situation? 

I have no idea if he actually loved you but more than likely he was in a fog also.  No I haven't been in your situation.

4 hours ago, Rainydayz22 said:

Part of me thinks he’s a total creep but another part of me feels like I led him on and maybe he is genuinely in love with me. Who knows if he was just saying it all to keep me around. He made references all the way through that he wanted to marry me and saw ME as his wife, not his actual wife. I should have thought his poor wife but I didn’t and had blinkers on...clearly.

You talk about what he wanted but what did you want?  You sound like you're in love with him.  You decided after 4 months you couldn't be with a man who cheats on his wife?

Edited September 29, 2020 by stillafool

[RebeccaR]

You said you blocked him on social media but only deleted his number. For your own sake, you need to actually block his number too. I know how impossible that is, but you can’t have a clean break otherwise.

[introuble2020]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I have no idea if he actually loved you but more than likely he was in a fog also.  No I haven't been in your situation.

You talk about what he wanted but what did you want?  You sound like you're in love with him.  You decided after 4 months you couldn't be with a man who cheats on his wife?

You are right...I only talk about what he wanted. I think I was in love at one point or experiencing great lust. For quite a few weeks I thought about what it would be like to be with him but I always went back to no, it’s a terrible idea and love is not enough in this situation. Too many people would be hurt and I could never trust him. Like you said, he cheats on his wife. No doubt he’d cheat on me too. I don’t know what it was but he really got under my skin, almost like I was being groomed to be with him. Every time I said let’s end it, he’d lovebomb me and message me etc. I think I loved two people at the same time and it felt like I had to make a choice between them.

He was so kind to me...always giving me compliments etc. What I found really odd though looking back was he’d say ‘we’ this and ‘we’ that referring to his wife. I on the other hand, found it difficult to refer to my OH in any way. In fact, we never discussed our partners in any detail. All the compliments and caring about me etc was enough for me to block out the fact that we were both in relationships. I generally enjoyed his company and we laughed constantly. I’m just sad we could not keep it as friends because we got on so well.
 

It was insane the risks we took. We were so careless. Holding hands on walks in the park. I went to his place a lot and that’s what I hate about myself the most. Being in their home and his wife not having a clue what was going on. Seeing all her bits and pieces laying around. I didn’t have sex there but we cuddled on the sofa etc and she could have come through the door at any second. It has been 5 days now that we haven’t been in touch so it appears he is respecting my decision.
 

I’ll be honest - I’m scared to block him and need the encouragement to do it. Last time I did it he came to my house (my partner works away a lot) and was all upset asking why had I done it...saying if you don’t want to be in each other’s lives, just tell me. You don’t need to block me...It doesn’t help that he lives nearby. My greatest fear is that he’s going to freak out and tell his wife or my OH about everything. So in my mind I’m thinking if I don’t block him, this will stop him doing something stupid. 

3 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Whatever his motives may or may not have been don't matter. What matters is your internal morals and values system. It doesn't sound like you are cut our to be "the other woman" or "the cheating spouse".
That's actually  wonderful thing. Don't knock it. I would suggest to you that you get some counselling and talk all this over. Try and figure out what you made the choices you did. I wuld also point out that is this man tries to keep a friendship between you, it's coming from a  very selfish place.

I agree with the him wanting to be friends is coming from a selfish place. I said to him that if you really care about me, you’ll let this go. Have you been in a similar situation pepperbird? Have you blocked someone?

 

Edited September 29, 2020 by Rainydayz22

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Rainydayz22 said:

Part of me thinks he’s a total creep but another part of me feels like I led him on and maybe he is genuinely in love with me. Who knows if he was just saying it all to keep me around. He made references all the way through that he wanted to marry me and saw ME as his wife, not his actual wife. I should have thought his poor wife but I didn’t and had blinkers on...clearly.

Any tips on what to do if he makes contact or I see him?

I find it interesting you would label him a creep when you also took part in the affair. It's not like he stalked you on social media or has a child porn collection, right? He responded to you and you responded to him, at least initially.

Like many people, you've found an affair to be distressing and emotionally exhausting. There's of course no way to know if his intent to be with you permanently was sincere or not. Insincere promises/interest like this is common enough that it has a name (in internet forum circles): "future faking". Of course monkeybranching to a new relationship with the affair partner does sometimes occur, so one never knows. FWIW, from everything I read on forums like this, when push comes to shove actual full transition to the new partner is rare.

IMO being friends is a terrible idea and a full and clean break is your best move for two reasons, one is your emotional health/distress level, which I don't think I need to elaborate one. But that's a very real issue.

The OTHER is also important - which is the risk of discovery. Affair Ddays (discovery days) are for some people extremely emotionally traumatic and can lead to acrimonious divorces and other serious consequences. In a few states an affair partner (that would be you) can apparently actually be sued if there is a divorce.

You mention he is careless. He may feel "done" with his marriage. Sometimes this attitude is enduring, other times, due to some human psychological peculiarities, it lasts only until discovery at which point the wayward spouse turns right around and desperately chases the betrayed one.

At any rate, there are those in this world who view it as a moral imperative to notify the affair partner's spouse (or BF in your case). So, IF his wife were to see some "careless" leftover texts or similar clues and thus have a Dday, she might decide to notify your BF in anger/vindictiveness or possibly out of her moral views. If she were to turn in distress to internet forums such as this one, there will some folks urging her to do that as well.

I think there's at least a reasonable chance he'll try to contact you again. If he does, consider not only reiterating your desire to remain no-contact, but also urging him to delete all texts and other traces of the affair. IF you are trying to avoid discovery, it is important to be as thorough as possible about it IMO. Even then, the risk does not go away. Generally, continuing contact would tend to increase that risk.

Edited September 29, 2020 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Rainydayz22 said:

 Also, what should I do about the cat sitting situation?

Invent a plausible excuse. You seem to have developed allergies, alas.

[Azincourt]

1) Don't date men old enough to be your father.

2) He's probably cheating on his wife with other women.

3) get out of this mess as fast as possible.

[Allupinnit]

You have to block him and no, you can't be "friends."  You're NOT friends, you're affair partners.  

[introuble2020]

38 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I find it interesting you would label him a creep when you also took part in the affair. It's not like he stalked you on social media or has a child porn collection, right? He responded to you and you responded to him, at least initially.

Like many people, you've found an affair to be distressing and emotionally exhausting. There's of course no way to know if his intent to be with you permanently was sincere or not. Insincere promises/interest like this is common enough that it has a name (in internet forum circles): "future faking". Of course monkeybranching to a new relationship with the affair partner does sometimes occur, so one never knows. FWIW, from everything I read on forums like this, when push comes to shove actual full transition to the new partner is rare.

IMO being friends is a terrible idea and a full and clean break is your best move for two reasons, one is your emotional health/distress level, which I don't think I need to elaborate one. But that's a very real issue.

The OTHER is also important - which is the risk of discovery. Affair Ddays (discovery days) are for some people extremely emotionally traumatic and can lead to acrimonious divorces and other serious consequences. In a few states an affair partner (that would be you) can apparently actually be sued if there is a divorce.

You mention he is careless. He may feel "done" with his marriage. Sometimes this attitude is enduring, other times, due to some human psychological peculiarities, it lasts only until discovery at which point the wayward spouse turns right around and desperately chases the betrayed one.

At any rate, there are those in this world who view it as a moral imperative to notify the affair partner's spouse (or BF in your case). So, IF his wife were to see some "careless" leftover texts or similar clues and thus have a Dday, she might decide to notify your BF in anger/vindictiveness or possibly out of her moral views. If she were to turn in distress to internet forums such as this one, there will some folks urging her to do that as well.

I think there's at least a reasonable chance he'll try to contact you again. If he does, consider not only reiterating your desire to remain no-contact, but also urging him to delete all texts and other traces of the affair. IF you are trying to avoid discovery, it is important to be as thorough as possible about it IMO. Even then, the risk does not go away. Generally, continuing contact would tend to increase that risk.

Thank you for your extensive thoughts and suggestions. The problem I have with the cat situation is that my OH loves the cats we looked after and refers to them a lot. No doubt in time he will wonder why I haven’t mentioned them as I normally do. I know this is the least of my worries but I don’t want him to get suspicious. The AP always insisted that he deleted all messages and photos regularly, as I did. There is not one photo of us together. We never took any...which sums the whole thing up really...

I know I’m a bad person too. What I meant by creep was that he was very persuasive and even got jealous of the men in my life (people who commented on my Facebook photos etc). Never of my BF though weirdly! I take full responsibility for my actions. I had a choice and I made the wrong one. Many times over.

[MsJayne]

I know exactly how you feel because I once stupidly got involved with a MM, completely out of character for me and something I'll always be ashamed of, and afterwards I realised I had been played like a fiddle. I know sometimes people get involved in affairs and whatever because their partner's a so-and-so and they need escape and support, but there's never any excuse for it. If he's unhappy in his marriage he needs to grow a backbone and get a divorce. You sound way too smart to get dragged into his seedy little world of deceit and you'd just be open to potentially years of being diminished by sneaking around and all the other garbage that goes with affairs. His cats will get over it and so will he, and it's not your problem anyway. 

[introuble2020]

13 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

I know exactly how you feel because I once stupidly got involved with a MM, completely out of character for me and something I'll always be ashamed of, and afterwards I realised I had been played like a fiddle. I know sometimes people get involved in affairs and whatever because their partner's a so-and-so and they need escape and support, but there's never any excuse for it. If he's unhappy in his marriage he needs to grow a backbone and get a divorce. You sound way too smart to get dragged into his seedy little world of deceit and you'd just be open to potentially years of being diminished by sneaking around and all the other garbage that goes with affairs. His cats will get over it and so will he, and it's not your problem anyway. 

Yes, his cats will get over it ha-ha. What happened with your MM? Were you single or in a relationship at the time? It’s out of character for me too. It’s like I became a other person. They talk about affair fog and I totally get it. I think I may have seen slightly depressed when I was in the affair as when my antidepressants started to work, it all seemed to clear and I was outside of the affair looking in thinking...what have I done?

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Rainydayz22 said:

It was insane the risks we took. We were so careless. I went to his place a lot and that’s what I hate about myself the most. Being in their home and his wife not having a clue what was going on. Seeing all her bits and pieces laying around. I didn’t have sex there but we cuddled on the sofa etc and she could have come through the door at any second. It has been 5 days now that we haven’t been in touch so it appears he is respecting my decision.

Can you put yourself in her place, how would you feel if your husband brought another woman into your home? Your safe place? 

You have done the right thing to end it. If he respects you, he will respect your decision. No, you clearly can’t be friends with the man. Nor, do you want to - again, how would you feel if your spouse was trying to maintain a friendship with his affair partner? It’s possible to love someone and not be with them, because it’s the right thing to do. There are many times when love simply doesn’t conquer all...

[Azincourt]

Why do you hate yourself?

You're only human, you know that, right? So you slept with a married man, so what? Big deal. Rodrigo Borgia did much worse. He got himself a family and a bunch of mistresses while being the Holy Pope. Now that's hilarious, ain't it? 

If a holy man acts like that, then why are you feeling like you're worth nothing for having slept with a married man? Marriages end all the time, most of the time actually, and you having slept with him didn't destroy his marriage. He probably checked out from the marriage a long time ago, and he's a lot more at fault than you are in all of this. 

That dude can either get a divorce or stay with his wife.  That's really his choice. You got your whole life ahead, and plenty of guys out there didn't shackle themselves up by getting married, because they aren't. They're free to meet you, date you, and to enjoy each other alone, without dramas.

[Luna66star]

By your own account,  being friends doesn't work (ie physical stuff starts up again).  It's convenient for him as he would still have access to you.  So being friends is a selfish desire on his part.  Remember- the affair for him is getting his  needs met, not yours, behind his wife's back.  He doesn't sound at all guilty either.

Unfortunately these affairs emotionally screw us up even more than we were initially.  They don't add anything positive to our lives.  You had to start anti depressants to see the big picture here.

Extract yourself from this toxic relationship and go into full no contact.  Focus on other positives in your life (I'm sure there are some) and avoid writing on this forum about MM.  It keeps your focus on him and not what you need to do in your own life to bring positive people & experiences into your life.  The support in these forums is great but it also makes you obsess about him and what happened.

 

 

[MsJayne]

1 hour ago, Rainydayz22 said:

Yes, his cats will get over it ha-ha. What happened with your MM? Were you single or in a relationship at the time? It’s out of character for me too. It’s like I became a other person. They talk about affair fog and I totally get it. I think I may have seen slightly depressed when I was in the affair as when my antidepressants started to work, it all seemed to clear and I was outside of the affair looking in thinking...what have I done?

We started out friends and eventually I believed his story that he and his wife were separated, (like hadn't been intimate in over ten years), but still lived together because it was financially convenient.  I believed it because it was convenient to at the time. Like you, I was in a bit of a bad place and a lot of it was to do with moving to another state and having difficulty making friends with women, so I had a very limited social life and very few opportunities to meet potential partners. I was routinely left off of invitation lists and I began to wonder what was so awful about me. When I spoke to a male work colleague one day,  when everyone but me had been invited to a weekend BBQ by a female colleague, he told me it was because I was too much of a threat for a bunch of jealous middle-aged women, (I worked in the office of a plant nursery at the time and he told me that the women down in the potting shed regularly tore me to pieces over morning tea - nice, but a lot of women can be like that unfortunately). This really pissed me off, mainly because I would never have looked once, let alone twice, at someone's husband and I resented the fact that these bitches wouldn't even offer another woman friendship just because she was attractive. After a couple of years of being really lonely, (I had made a couple of girlfriends by then but both were single mothers so had limited time to socialise), I met MM and by then I was so disgusted with the way I'd been cold-shouldered that I felt I owed no loyalty to the sisterhood.  After a year, most of which I spent labouring under the delusion that any minute my MM would announce that he was moving out of the family home, he ended it abruptly and said his wife was crazy jealous and that he owed it to his marriage to give it another go. Then two weeks later he came back in the middle of the night and said he wanted to be with me and we began planning the future. Then another two weeks and he changed his mind again and moved into a rented house because his wife wouldn't let him move home. It started to dawn on me that I had been used as a means of making his wife jealous and a way of getting back at her for kicking him out of the bedroom.  In the end his wife pulverised him in the family court, his adult kids all disowned him, and he was a wreck and began acting strangely, withdrawing and then trying to reconnect, over a period of about three months. I was unable to trust him and just felt used, and told him that. Two months after I last saw him he committed suicide Obviously, it's an extreme case of things turning to doodoo, but I can never stress enough not to get involved with a MM. 

You'll be fine if you just cut contact with your MM and stick to it, and don't fall for any of the old chestnuts they wheel out to draw you back in.  

 

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, Rainydayz22 said:

 

I agree with the him wanting to be friends is coming from a selfish place. I said to him that if you really care about me, you’ll let this go. Have you been in a similar situation pepperbird? Have you blocked someone?

 

I've been on the other side of the coin- the BS. I did "block" my WS, for a time. It helped me get my thoughts sorted.

Do you have a really good friend who you trust? If so, can you talk this all over with them? It can be good to have someone who knows you and your life who can give you input.
 

[DKT3]

I don't get the feeling that you actually feel guilty about cheating on your boyfriend,  it appears that your guilty is more selfish,  more about you coming to realize that he isn't really what you thought he was.  

I also find it odd (even though its very usual with cheating women) that you can so easily separate your like behavior from his. If you don't see him as worthy because he cheated do you see yourself as worthy....I mean you cheated also.

Also common among cheating women is this need to know that this person loved you. The reality is usual NO.  Just as you see things in him that disqualify him as a possible legitimate partner,  he sees those same things in you. 

The most interesting point of your thread is he isn't jealous of your boyfriend but jealous of guys commenting on your social media.  That is actually very telling and likely means you talk down you're boyfriend to him, to the point that he doesn't see him as competition.  Which leads to why are you with your boyfriend? Does he pay bills?

[Dork Vader]

We all make mistakes and there is little truth to the statement once a cheater always a cheater. For some people they are always cheaters and it's typically rooted in mental health problems or their past. 

That said, if you value your marriage perhaps its time you seek out a good LMFT that specializes with family and marital problems. I think it would be best that you talk to them before you attempt to spill the beans to your husband. The therapist can help guide you through the process and prevent you from doing more damage to your marriage than necessary. They can also help you identify any problems in your marriage and fix those areas.

Take this mistake as an opportunity to work on your self your marriage and come out of it in a better place.

[introuble2020]

11 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I've been on the other side of the coin- the BS. I did "block" my WS, for a time. It helped me get my thoughts sorted.

Do you have a really good friend who you trust? If so, can you talk this all over with them? It can be good to have someone who knows you and your life who can give you input.
 

I would like to tell my sister who I’m very close to but I don’t fully trust she wouldn’t tell anyone. I think she would tell her husband. 

What is BS and WS? When you say you blocked him for a time, did you then unblock? 

12 hours ago, MsJayne said:

We started out friends and eventually I believed his story that he and his wife were separated, (like hadn't been intimate in over ten years), but still lived together because it was financially convenient.  I believed it because it was convenient to at the time. Like you, I was in a bit of a bad place and a lot of it was to do with moving to another state and having difficulty making friends with women, so I had a very limited social life and very few opportunities to meet potential partners. I was routinely left off of invitation lists and I began to wonder what was so awful about me. When I spoke to a male work colleague one day,  when everyone but me had been invited to a weekend BBQ by a female colleague, he told me it was because I was too much of a threat for a bunch of jealous middle-aged women, (I worked in the office of a plant nursery at the time and he told me that the women down in the potting shed regularly tore me to pieces over morning tea - nice, but a lot of women can be like that unfortunately). This really pissed me off, mainly because I would never have looked once, let alone twice, at someone's husband and I resented the fact that these bitches wouldn't even offer another woman friendship just because she was attractive. After a couple of years of being really lonely, (I had made a couple of girlfriends by then but both were single mothers so had limited time to socialise), I met MM and by then I was so disgusted with the way I'd been cold-shouldered that I felt I owed no loyalty to the sisterhood.  After a year, most of which I spent labouring under the delusion that any minute my MM would announce that he was moving out of the family home, he ended it abruptly and said his wife was crazy jealous and that he owed it to his marriage to give it another go. Then two weeks later he came back in the middle of the night and said he wanted to be with me and we began planning the future. Then another two weeks and he changed his mind again and moved into a rented house because his wife wouldn't let him move home. It started to dawn on me that I had been used as a means of making his wife jealous and a way of getting back at her for kicking him out of the bedroom.  In the end his wife pulverised him in the family court, his adult kids all disowned him, and he was a wreck and began acting strangely, withdrawing and then trying to reconnect, over a period of about three months. I was unable to trust him and just felt used, and told him that. Two months after I last saw him he committed suicide Obviously, it's an extreme case of things turning to doodoo, but I can never stress enough not to get involved with a MM. 

You'll be fine if you just cut contact with your MM and stick to it, and don't fall for any of the old chestnuts they wheel out to draw you back in.  

 

I’m so sorry to hear that your MM ended his own life. How awful for everyone involved :-( Did he already have mental health issues?
 

[introuble2020]

12 hours ago, Luna66star said:

By your own account,  being friends doesn't work (ie physical stuff starts up again).  It's convenient for him as he would still have access to you.  So being friends is a selfish desire on his part.  Remember- the affair for him is getting his  needs met, not yours, behind his wife's back.  He doesn't sound at all guilty either.

Unfortunately these affairs emotionally screw us up even more than we were initially.  They don't add anything positive to our lives.  You had to start anti depressants to see the big picture here.

Extract yourself from this toxic relationship and go into full no contact.  Focus on other positives in your life (I'm sure there are some) and avoid writing on this forum about MM.  It keeps your focus on him and not what you need to do in your own life to bring positive people & experiences into your life.  The support in these forums is great but it also makes you obsess about him and what happened.

 

 

You are correct. I think confessing everything on here has helped me a lot and I don’t plan on continuing writing on here for much longer. I hadn’t told anyone and that in itself was killing me.

Every time I tried to end it he’d use the cats as a reason to stay in touch or what will my wife say if you can’t look after them anymore. She will suspect. Also, there was a time I blocked him on Facebook and he said she’ll notice and question it. 

[Amethyst68]

Really?  I can't stop my affair because of my MM's cats? That was your rationale for cheating on your BF?

People change pet sitters every day for a multitude of reasons.  That's got to be one of the weakest excuses ever. 

Your BF needs to know the truth because he needs to be tested for STIs. You've no idea how many other women this man has had sex with while supposedly being faithful to his wife.  You should get tested too and sooner rather than later.