rebound vs being left for someone else?

[Einar]

Hi I am new, 

I have searched online but I'm confused, I am hoping someone can help me understand better.

What is the difference between a rebound and being left for someone else? is there even a difference? How is monkey branching different?

How long does a rebound relationship last versus being in a relationship where they left for someone else?

What causes the relationship to succeed or fail in the above scenarios?

How can I tell the difference, if the breakup was vague and I am unsure?

Do exes come back after rebounding or leaving for someone else? What are there main reasons for returning or not?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Einar said:

What causes the relationship to succeed or fail in the above scenarios?
Do exes come back after rebounding or leaving for someone else? What are there main reasons for returning or not?

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How long have you been broken up? These are all semantics and trendy terms. What's important is if you want to get back together and if you even want someone back after they left you and are with someone else. If you were cheated on, never take that person back. 

It would be best to move forward rather than ponder if the ex's new interest is a rebound or 'monkey branching' or someone the ex cheated on you with.. At this point it's best to delete and block the ex from all social media and messaging apps and not scan social media for updates on the ex's new relationship.

[Einar]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long were you dating? What was the breakup about? How long have you been broken up? These are all semantics and trendy terms. What's important is if you want to get back together and if you even want someone back after they left you and are with someone else. If you were cheated on, never take that person back. 

It would be best to move forward rather than ponder if the ex's new interest is a rebound or 'monkey branching' or someone the ex cheated on you with.. At this point it's best to delete and block the ex from all social media and messaging apps and not scan social media for updates on the ex's new relationship.

We dated for 2 years and 3-4 months, we were engaged for about 5 months. I am not sure exactly why we broke up because it was not very clear the way she handled it. I can only give you my point of view. In march my fiancée tried to take her life. I was able to stop it but did have to involve the police, but it deeply troubled me. For about 3 months I entered a state of shock, I was scared of loosing her, feeling her life was in my hands. I felt guilt about how I handled the situation (I could have been more gentle and caring, I could have listened to her, but what if she had gone through with it). In those 3 months I started seeing my father alot almost every day all day, or was watching series or playing games to forget the event. At the time I didn't notice it but now that I look back I unintentionally neglected her, ignored her, I made her feel unwanted. I believe she even though I was going to dump her. I believe she felt unloved.

In June I resigned my job so I started feeling better and I believed we were going to get through this. In August she started emotionally detaching from me, I asked her to speak to me but she would give excuses. I eventually started blowing up her phone with no answer, she even looked right through me in person. Then one day she say sorry I am wit my bf. She said she had broken up with me a month prior. I grew up in a non english country so when she said "I'm done" I thought she referred to that particular conversation/ argument. So I am blindsided and confused as to when did he appear in her life. She also has very strong values about cheating and I do want to give her the benefit of the doubt because she always as honest with me if someone tried to hit on her through social media or in person. 
 

This other guy seems very cocky and a bit of player, so I do fear he might be praying on her because of the vulnerability right now.I tried to be concise there is a lot more to it though. I am very in love with her still, and I worry she might be toyed with and hurt to the point she takes her life. That is what terrifies me the most. If you need I can be more detailed. Thank you for replying.

[La.Primavera]

To be fair, I'm sure a lot of people would interpret "I'm done" as a means of ending an argument, not the relationship.  I can see why you are so confused to hear your relationship ended a while ago without your knowledge.  That's so sad.

It's hard to know the how things are playing out in her mind because she has been in such a bad place emotionally.  She might have genuinely thought she ended things or she just found a simple way to break up with you without having to deal with the mess.  She may have already had a new guy lined up or was already seeing him, I don't know?  Regardless they way she treated you was extremely cold.  This is not the behavior of someone you can trust or make a marriage commitment with.

As painful as this must be for you, I think the best thing to do is try to accept this relationship is over for good.  I don't think you should attempt to get back together with her even if she changes her mind. 

Given what she has been through, I'd tend to be gentle on her by just letting her go without argument, but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself either.  You went through your own trauma over what happened and had to find your own ways of coping with it.   

For your own sake, find a way to detach.  This new relationship of hers is not your business or responsibility.  She is responsible for her life and choices, not you. 

Take care of yourself.

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, Einar said:

What is the difference between a rebound and being left for someone else? is there even a difference?

Not much difference, outside of the fact that they'd been grooming the new person before their relationship with you ended as opposed to ending it cleanly then finding someone new right on the heels of that.

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How is monkey branching different?

It's not if we're talking about grooming the new person before the relationship with you ended.

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How long does a rebound relationship last versus being in a relationship where they left for someone else?

It all depends upon the people involved. There is no "one side fits all" in this category.

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What causes the relationship to succeed or fail in the above scenarios?

Time and how long it took them to get over you. Some people check out of their relationships way before they leave for good, so they've been doing all of the grieving process while still in your presence. You just were the last to know they were on their way out, so it seems sudden to you... they've got a few months of the process handled while you're just beginning your journey down that dark road.

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How can I tell the difference, if the breakup was vague and I am unsure?

See above

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Do exes come back after rebounding or leaving for someone else? What are there main reasons for returning or not?

Sometimes, but unless they've gone through a lot of therapy and/or soul searching, it doesn't last because what drove them away will drive them away again. They think they can get back what they threw to the ground, but once the vessel that was your relationship has shattered into a bazillion pieces, there is no glue good enough in the world that will make it the pristine, undamaged vessel it once was.

Best thing to do is to not pine for someone who was good with throwing your relationship away in the first place--because they will do it again. Past is prologue.


 

[Einar]

2 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

To be fair, I'm sure a lot of people would interpret "I'm done" as a means of ending an argument, not the relationship.  I can see why you are so confused to hear your relationship ended a while ago without your knowledge.  That's so sad.

It's hard to know the how things are playing out in her mind because she has been in such a bad place emotionally.  She might have genuinely thought she ended things or she just found a simple way to break up with you without having to deal with the mess.  She may have already had a new guy lined up or was already seeing him, I don't know?  Regardless they way she treated you was extremely cold.  This is not the behavior of someone you can trust or make a marriage commitment with.

As painful as this must be for you, I think the best thing to do is try to accept this relationship is over for good.  I don't think you should attempt to get back together with her even if she changes her mind. 

Given what she has been through, I'd tend to be gentle on her by just letting her go without argument, but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself either.  You went through your own trauma over what happened and had to find your own ways of coping with it.   

For your own sake, find a way to detach.  This new relationship of hers is not your business or responsibility.  She is responsible for her life and choices, not you. 

Take care of yourself.

Thank you it makes me feel better that others could understand "I'm done" as I did. I don't know if this is normal I will have to ask my counselor, but since I stopped her from taking her own life, I feel as if a bond was created between us. Not that there wasn't one, because there was a strong love between us, but I mean a different kind were I feel I need to be there for her. I feel more connected to her. I don't know how to explain this maybe it is a Stockholm syndrome kind but to the situation, maybe I feel responsible for her or I feel so guilty I need to get a chance to do right, maybe its trauma due to the event that we both share, yet we did not experience in the same way.

I appreciate your advice but I find it so hard to detach and walk away. I believe that this rough patch was fixable. I wish I had coped differently. People tell me to send her to hell, but she has suffered badly and the way she is acting is not right, but I feel she is in survival mode and she is doing what she can to save herself. That doesn't excuse her but I believe she deserves a second chance at life. My selfish side wants and my heart want her back so bad. I am completely undone and shattered to what has happened since March. When I asked her why she wanted to brake up she couldn't give me an answer. I know she cares for me. But maybe she is scared of how I coped with the incident. I feel I already lost her forever.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you noticed she was becoming distant, then this guy was very likely in the picture before the break-up actually happened. 

Whether or not they last is rather beside the point. The point is that she was emotionally detached enough from you and your relationship to make space for another man in her heart and mind. That disconnect already existed even if you weren't really aware of it yet. 

It's probably going to be best for you to accept that this didn't work out, and she was wanting to go your separate ways before she ended it. It hurts, yes, but there's not a lot you can do when someone just isn't on the same page any longer. 

[La.Primavera]

On 9/30/2020 at 3:22 PM, Einar said:

Thank you it makes me feel better that others could understand "I'm done" as I did. I don't know if this is normal I will have to ask my counselor, but since I stopped her from taking her own life, I feel as if a bond was created between us. Not that there wasn't one, because there was a strong love between us, but I mean a different kind were I feel I need to be there for her. I feel more connected to her. I don't know how to explain this maybe it is a Stockholm syndrome kind but to the situation, maybe I feel responsible for her or I feel so guilty I need to get a chance to do right, maybe its trauma due to the event that we both share, yet we did not experience in the same way.

I appreciate your advice but I find it so hard to detach and walk away. I believe that this rough patch was fixable. I wish I had coped differently. People tell me to send her to hell, but she has suffered badly and the way she is acting is not right, but I feel she is in survival mode and she is doing what she can to save herself. That doesn't excuse her but I believe she deserves a second chance at life. My selfish side wants and my heart want her back so bad. I am completely undone and shattered to what has happened since March. When I asked her why she wanted to brake up she couldn't give me an answer. I know she cares for me. But maybe she is scared of how I coped with the incident. I feel I already lost her forever.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much!  I'd call it White Knight syndrome, but either one could apply to your situation.  It was messy and traumatic.  From her perspective, you could be a constant reminder of her at her weakest, whereas this new guy is a fresh start.  Maybe that is exactly what she needs?  That's why it isn't your place to get involved in her decisions.

I understand where the people in your life are coming from.  I'd be protective and angry for you too!  What she did to you was cold and heartless.  There is getting around it.  However, I respect the fact that you aren't being too hard on her under the circumstances because she has been in a very fragile state and you have shown great deal of compassion.   

That doesn't mean I think you should let her back in your life.  I don't think that would be a good or healthy decision in any way.  Things are still fresh and painful right now, but that will change.  At some point you will be able to look back objectively and say it was the right decision in the long run.  

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Anyone who is so mentally unstable that they have suicide attempts, needs a psychiatrist not a relationship.

Leave her alone. Let her be. You both seemed very unhappy and this event just brought the whole thing to a head.

[LunadelToro]

Rebound - Relationship started after the breakup and is used as an emotional plaster to help get through separation anxiety after the break up and move on. I read that it usually don't last long although there are always special cases.

Monkey branching / left for someone else: Your ex have lined up a few possible partners to replace you / started talking and engage with someone emotionally while still being in a relationship with you. They do this because they are afraid to be alone or they might catch feelings with someone else unintentionally. After they broke up with you they started going out with said person. I read that people who monkey branched don't usually come back. 

[Fletch Lives]

If she's mentally ill, that could be the source of your problems.

[d0nnivain]

I will answer some of your Questions but they may be distinctions without a difference in this case. 

Being left for somebody else & monkey branching are similar.  It means the dumper has their eye on a new potential partner before the 1st relationship formally ends.  They have it all set up so the break up happens & they immediately start the new relationship.  They don't leave the relationship until they have a new person to latch onto swinging from one branch to the next. 

Rebounding is usually done by the dumpee, the person who got broken up with.  They can't deal with being alone.  So immediately after the break up they latch on to the 1st available warm body who will have them in attempt to fill the void left by the dumpers departure.  

Your former fiancée was so deeply troubled that she attempted to take her own life.  Fortunately you were able to prevent that & presumably she's not in counseling.  You thought that made your bond stronger.  She didn't.  She may be embarrassed.  She may have been distraught over something else or the relationship & can't face you.  She turned to this other man for comfort.  He could have been waiting in the wings.  We don't know but it does look like she monkey branched. 

IMO monkey branch relationships have a greater success rate then rebounds.  In a rebound the new SO is a poor substitute for the person who is still emotionally attached to their dumper.  In contrast the EX carefully cultivated the new relationship in the monkey branch situation & chose the new person.  They were emotionally finished with the original relationship & had checked out of it long before the formal end of the relationship.  A rebound is just about fear.  She's not rebounding because she is the one that initiated the break up.  

My heart breaks for you that she called off your engagement but the fact is she has a new BF.  She's not coming back.  Stop chasing her.  Grieve your loss & move on.  

Best wishes.  

[Einar]

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to read and answer, I appreciate it.

Update: I moved out of the apartment and just told her through text "I wished things were not ending between us, this was not what I wanted and. Take care." After that I stopped looking for her at all. 17 or 18 days had passed and suddenly she texted me a video poem. It was this girl reciting the poem saying something to the effect of " The very thing that distinguishes us is that she wouldn't hesitate to choose me every lifetime, but I wouldn't choose her in this one, that although she gave me her flesh and bones, she cant love me into loving her, and that I was overflowing with her love while she is pleading for a droplet of mine, but there is time when she has to recognize it is easier to grieve me than to force me into loving her, and that she knows she should not beg for love but just once she wanted someone to fear loosing her." I'm a bit confused by the choice to send me this poem on a Sunday night at 10:30 pm?? Especially so more because she is with someone else. I texted her back another day "I never stopped choosing you"

Also she has been texting me about random insignificant things like I forgot a swim suit at the apartment and that if I wanted a rice cooker or else she would donate it. I ignored this last text message. She later texted about mail for me when she hasn't said a thing about mail for those 17 or 18 days. And later called me twice, to ask me about the rice cooker and swim suit, I told her to keep them or donate, she then paused awkwardly long on the phone until I asked her if that was all. She could have just texted me about it or just donate it as she said previously.

I am confused as to why the sudden contact for a week and now the silence for two weeks. Is this going to keep happening? Is this contact due to buyers remorse? guilt? mixed feelings? I just want to understand for my future relationships and perhaps to find some answers.

[Caauug]

14 hours ago, Einar said:

I am confused as to why the sudden contact for a week and now the silence for two weeks. Is this going to keep happening?

Could be a couple of reasons..... She "Monkey Branched" off to the new BF, but not ready to let go of the vine that brings her back to you..... This shows her as very self centered. she will string you and new BF along without committing to either one of you... He is #1 and you are the "Back-up Plan" or one of the back-up plans.... 

On 9/30/2020 at 6:56 AM, Einar said:

In June I resigned my job so I started feeling better and I believed we were going to get through this. In August she started emotionally detaching from me

Women don't like it when a man leaves a job or is jobless..... Men are the "Providers", being jobless shows you are not a good provider and thus a poor mate for starting a family. You might get away with it short term and if you move up in status and money....

On 9/30/2020 at 10:22 AM, Einar said:

since I stopped her from taking her own life, I feel as if a bond was created between us. Not that there wasn't one, because there was a strong love between us, but I mean a different kind were I feel I need to be there for her. I feel more connected to her. I don't know how to explain this maybe it is a Stockholm syndrome kind but to the situation, maybe I feel responsible for her or I feel so guilty I need to get a chance to do right, maybe its trauma due to the event that we both share, yet we did not experience in the same way.

No. She does not feel the same as you do. For the most part you have been conditioned from childhood and in evolution to be the protector/provider..... You saved her life and now feel a bond with her.... You have done well. The bond you feel is what evolution had planed and you feel good about it. She does not feel the same, evolution says she can and likely will face more dangers all the time, her bonds are more how well CAN you protect/provide??? It's not that simple but it is part of it. It's not what you have done it's what you can do..... Look up: "Briffault's Law" As you get older and dating the "have done" comes into play to prove you can provide or you have resources for her. 

On 9/30/2020 at 6:56 AM, Einar said:

 

This other guy seems very cocky and a bit of player, so I do fear he might be praying on her because of the vulnerability right now.

And this is not your problem.... She told you "I'M DONE" (poor way to say done with the relationship.... But that has now been cleared up and it is now the end of the relationship)!!! She broke it off with you. She dumped you. She rejected you and you are no longer worthy of her attention... Get this into your head - She no longer wants you!!! Rejection hurts but it also excuses you of all liability... You no longer provide/protect for her!!!! She is not your concern.... 

She "Monkey Branched" or should I say chased after the guy, this likely means she is having hotter sex with him than she ever did with you... He turned her on to get her to swing up to him. (They always perceive to swing up to higher value males, never down) She wanted to ride "the player" and she is.... Are you getting the picture yet??? It's NOT you she is riding!!!! 

She has set you free, it is time you set yourself free from her.

She is not yours, it was only your turn.... 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Break-ups hurt more if you drag it out like this with weird social media memes and other vague nonsense.

Good you moved out. With that, sever all ties. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Set yourself free from the nonsense and confusion.