Found out I was lied to, part 2

[agawam25]

Back in late February, I wrote a long post about finding out that my gf had lied to me about things right up to the very beginning of our relationship. Here's a link for those who'd like to read my post and the replies that I got: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/593149-found-out-that-i-was-lied-to. 

TL;DR: She deliberately hid or minimized her past. I found out about it by accident and didn't know whether I should confront her. What put me off wasn't some sort of retroactive jealousy, but the fact that she claimed she was open and honest since day one, thus making me feel like she was prone to concealing the truth on other matters, or would be in the future.

We broke up in May. I tried confronting her on several occasions prior to the break up, at first asking her very kindly to tell me about certain details from her earlier version of the truth, and then later by asking her outright. She denied everything, acted evasive and made me look like an idiot for asking. That alone wasn't the only reason why we broke up. I think the lockdown really took a toll on us being together 24/7 and I realized that we are actually incompatible on several other issues as well. 

Several weeks later, I had a conversation with a mutual friend of ours that I knew she hooked up with in the past. He was very open and honest and confirmed that the two of them had sex the night before our first date - something I asked her about several times and she would always say no, claiming that they were just friends at that point. She always insisted that it was a one-time thing and that she slept with him once several years ago, but it turned out that they were FWB for many years. He also told me that she was still seeing one of her exes at the time, something she claimed was over half a year prior, something I didn't even know at the time when I wrote the original post  He stupidly told her that he told me when he ran into her a couple of weeks later and she called me in the middle of the night upset that I would ever ask him, accusing him of lying and me of putting some sort of a blame on her for sleeping with him, etc. He's a 30+ man with no reason to lie, in a relationship and a stable adult person. I think she was afraid she was going to lose face and even made it about gender, saying how of course two men would accuse her of this when she has always been truthful and now she's a victim of the two of us and so on. I calmly told her that it didn't matter and we left it at that.

What is bothering me now is that I heard from friends that she's asking around whether I left her for someone else (with a very specific person in mind who's been a friend of mine for many years), while she also recently sent me a message saying how she missed me. I responded by saying I believe both of us have moved on etc. and her reply was that I was heartless and how she wondered "when and why" I became like that.

So now I'd like to ask you to help me out and tell me how to handle this situation. I don't want to communicate with her, but I also don't want to keep getting these kinds of messages, while the allegations as well are both false and highly cynical coming from her. When we broke up I was very open and honest about my reasons while allowing her to save face so I didn't mention the lying on her part (obviously she would have kept denying it anyway). How can she pin this on me while she is the one who was insincere? 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, agawam25 said:

she also recently sent me a message saying how she missed me.

Do you want to reconcile? If not delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Usually breadcrumbs like this don't mean much, but of you want to hook up you could respond.

[agawam25]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you want to reconcile? If not delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Usually breadcrumbs like this don't mean much, but of you want to hook up you could respond.

I don't. The breakup was friendly and prior to this our communication was civilized. We had to settle a couple of practical matters so I had to keep one channel of communication open.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just ignore those messages and don’t engage with her.

Block her if she doesn’t take hint. 

[agawam25]

I guess that people prone to lying about certain things also think others are lying as well. That being said, I think she's a kind and decent person and is just acting out of hurt. I won't engage with her from now on, regardless of what she does. Thanks.

[smackie9]

She's a narcissist. Her ego is butt hurt. Stop talking to her, lose her number/block delete. Stop talking to friends about her, ignore any intell you receive about her. FORGET about her.

[kendahke]

On 9/29/2020 at 3:33 PM, agawam25 said:

I had a conversation with a mutual friend of ours that I knew she hooked up with in the past. He was very open and honest and confirmed that the two of them had sex the night before our first date - something I asked her about several times and she would always say no, claiming that they were just friends at that point.

As if he doesn't have a dog in this fight... I wouldn't be surprised if he said to you to finally get you to get off the pot and out of his way finally. Doesn't mean he's telling you the truth, either, especially if he has an axe to grind about you getting with her.

Quote

tell me how to handle this situation. I don't want to communicate with her, but I also don't want to keep getting these kinds of messages

Cell phones and all social media apps have blocking features. Use them. Stay out of her circle of friends for the time being.

Edited October 3, 2020 by kendahke

[Dork Vader]

Well it depends, this is obviously eating at you enough to come here. If you have no intention of reconciling with her you need to just cut ties. You can block her numbers and means of contact. If she continues to pursue you, ignore it and block. If you absolutely must respond keep it civil and be kind. Simply say, we are different people looking for different things. I'm moving forward with my life you should move forward with yours. I truly wish you the best.

If mutual friends or her friends get involved and ask you. Respond with, I don't gossip, I've told her how I feel and that's between her and I. Just shut down the conversations. If people won't respect it then leave.

[Watercolors]

On 9/30/2020 at 4:38 AM, agawam25 said:

I guess that people prone to lying about certain things also think others are lying as well. That being said, I think she's a kind and decent person and is just acting out of hurt. I won't engage with her from now on, regardless of what she does. Thanks.

But if that were true, you still wouldn’t allow yourself to be available to your mutual friends’ updates on your ex-g/f. You wouldn’t have created another thread here, if you had planned to delete and block her from your life and your social media. I feel like you are hoping someone will justify why you should stay in contact with her despite the breakup. To justify you still having lingering feelings for her, perhaps hoping that you and she will reconcile. 

You already know the answer. But I think you are struggling to come to terms with the reality of it. You don’t want to let her go, so allowing yourself to hear third hand information from mutual friends about her, fills that emotional void in you that gets created when we break up with someone. 

You won’t let her go until you are ready to do that. Right now, I don’t think you are willing to let her go just yet. That’s why you allow information about her to reach you from your mutual friends. That’s why you allow her to contact you.  

[d0nnivain]

You handle it by doing nothing.  Ignore her.  If others mention her or your break up take the high road but shut it down.  Say something along the lines of "I broke up with her for valid reasons.  She knows why.  It's not something I want to talk about.  Please respect that."  Then you change the subject.  

[assertives]

The thing that stood out to me was how you readily accepted and believed whatever that guy told you to be the gospel truth. He isn't your friend, and you don't actually know him as well as you do your ex. Yet, you chose to believe what he says probably because what he had to say fits the narrative you have already made up in your mind about your ex.

I remember your other threads surrounding your ex and felt that there's a holier and better than thou vibe in everything that you posted about her and about this guy and their life choices. Regardless, it's a done deal, just block, delete and move on.