Sudden D-Day and Questions

[mark clemson]

59 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 but there must be a bit of a cruel and twisted streak in anyone who inveigles themselves so far into a BS's life and marriage.

Certainly this is a betrayal of the friendship as well as the husband. When I read the original post it seems they became friends first, the emotional attachment happened gradually, and she to a significant extent resisted going PA.

Also, while the affair was unknown/not recognized by the OBW, there was no pain actualized. You and I both sometimes suggest secrecy after an affair is fully ended for that very reason, no?

Although it certainly isn't taking the friend's feelings into account, this doesn't seem like deliberate cruelty, in the sense where the intent is to cause pain to the friend. IF there had been no Dday, it seems like it could have ended with no emotional pain for the OBW.

Maybe I just misunderstood you, but when you write "cruel and twisted streak" you make me think of a Nurse Ratched type. That's not the vibe I'm getting here, dunno. Do you feel differently, or am I misunderstanding your point?

[RebeccaR]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

Certainly this is a betrayal of the friendship as well as the husband. When I read the original post it seems they became friends first, the emotional attachment happened gradually, and she to a significant extent resisted going PA.

Also, while the affair was unknown/not recognized by the OBW, there was no pain actualized. You and I both sometimes suggest secrecy after an affair is fully ended for that very reason, no?

Although it certainly isn't taking the friend's feelings into account, this doesn't seem like deliberate cruelty, in the sense where the intent is to cause pain to the friend. IF there had been no Dday, it seems like it could have ended with no emotional pain for the OBW.

Maybe I just misunderstood you, but when you write "cruel and twisted streak" you make me think of a Nurse Ratched type. That's not the vibe I'm getting here, dunno. Do you feel differently, or am I misunderstanding your point?

Lack of empathy for a friend is the twisted part. In her defense she admitted she felt guilty around the friend. 

[S2B]

Someone feels guilty because they know they are causing harm but choose to continue to do that harm anyway. 
 

what was the text saying that caused his wife to know what was going on?

[mark clemson]

Fair enough.

[Bittersweetie]

I am a fWW who had a d-day. I read your post this morning and thought about it all day on how to respond. My first piece of advice is to tell you there is no easy or quick path out of this mess. You made choices that have consequences. How you handle those consequences will define you moving forward.

First: ask yourself, why did I think these choices were okay? What did I tell myself in order to make what I was doing okay? Because you were playing with the fire of not only your own marriage, but your friend's marriage, and your kids' friends. These things don't "just happen," it is a choice we make each time we continue. I could've stopped my affair many times. I didn't. That was on me.

Second: You need to decide whether you want to stay with your husband or not. Because if not, then don't waste each other's time on a reconciliation. However, right now your brain is probably so "messed up" (for lack of better words) with the affair and MM, making that decision will be difficult. You need to clear your head of MM and the affair in order to decide how to move forward with your husband. I'd suggest giving it six months of complete no contact with MM and focusing on your husband and family before making a decision. Now, your husband may decide himself to divorce you, and that is his right. 

Also, if you care about your husband, you need to be 100% truthful with him. I trickle-truthed my husband and it was a bad choice on top of all my bad choices. Your husband deserves the truth of his own life in order to make the best decision for himself for the future. Does that make sense? 

I agree with PP that you are not necessarily a bad person. However you are a person who made bad, hurtful choices that affected others. How are you going to act moving forward then? What kind of person do you want to be in this life? Someone who lies and cheats, or someone how lives honestly and authentically? Think about that then take the steps to make it happen. Good luck.

Edited September 30, 2020 by Bittersweetie

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Birdies said:

 your kids probably need to be told the truth, so they don't think they did something wrong

If I may, I think this is really important and needs to be closely considered. Your kids clearly know something has happened, because their friends are not coming around anymore and are unlikely to come into your home ever again. For lack of honest information, they will use their imaginations... and what a shame it would be for your children to blame themselves for the lack of contact with their friends. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Someone feels guilty because they know they are causing harm but choose to continue to do that harm anyway. 

Indeed. And the fact that she was trying to distance herself from his wife tells us that she knew what they were doing was not good and was either trying to protect herself from the guilt and/or do the right thing (and that’s a relative term) by her friend. 

And while the world is full of shades of grey and there may be many reasons why an individual would find themselves in an extramarital affair, carrying on an intimate relationship (even if it is only emotional) with your close friend’s husband seems pretty darn black and white - as evidenced by the fall-out that has occurred when discovered. The loss of what have been close relationships, no contact between families, and the possibility of divorce for all involved seems to indicate that a line has clearly been crossed... that’s about as black and white as it gets.

Edited September 30, 2020 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

A lot here doesn’t make sense. Strangers and acquaintances noticed your “energy” but neither spouse did? He made this “careless mistake” that anyone in an affair would surely avoid? That flirty text exchange must have been pretty steamy to have constituted DDay. I am not criticizing or questioning you, but there seems more than you are telling us.

My guess is he’s a garden variety “cake eater”, given that he told you immediately he would never divorce (and he hoped you wouldn’t either). You, OTOH, wanted more, which is why you are now miserable. Maybe he was ready to end it/blow this up.

I agree this is definitely not his first affair nor will it be his last.  He knows to be upfront about not leaving his wife.  He puts that fact out there but he knows it won't make any difference because the affair will still start.

[C52]

You're understandably in a confused panicked state. Try to reach a state of calm for at least a few minutes and consider if divorce from your spouse is really a bad thing. You may be trying to stay with him since keeping a 'whole family unit' may seem like a stabilizing goal in these panicky times. 

If you truly feel that you want to try and work to keep the marriage together then (at all costs) avoid telling your husband direct lies. Trickle-truthing or discovered lies (even of omission) are a fresh stab to your husband so answer all questions truthfully and completely - that way you won't  have to keep track of lies.

As for your former friend (BW) leave her alone as well as fMM.

It  may benefit you to seek out a competent IC to help you through this time - esp how to deal with your children's questions.