JayDay Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 Not that my heartbreak is any worse than anyone else's out there but I just recently ruined a relationship due to myself. I got jealous/spiteful and lost sight of who I was as a person and it wrecked the relationship as all trust was thrown out the window by me. She dumped me, blocked me, and wants nothing to be with me. It was a 1 1/2 year relationship that went really well prior to the last two weeks where I just lost my mind and sabotaged myself. I feel so horrible. I wish so badly I could go back in time and change things but I can't and have to live with the regret forever. Every hour of every day I pray that she reaches out to me and always me to explain myself but I know I do not deserve that from her. I didn't ever lay a hand on her or cheat on her, but I betrayed her trust big time. In the past, I've had breakups that hurt horribly but I could find inner peace because I knew we merely weren't compatible. This was different. This person was my best friend, we had so much in common, and every single day was special. It was her birthday this past weekend and I did some social media stalking on some of her friend pages(dumb of me) and seeing her look happy as hell with all of them and me not being able to celebrate her bday with her hurt me so much. I have a ton of love left for her and will always love her. I further showed how immature I am by mailing her the gift I had bought for her before the breakup and she unblocked me for a couple minutes to tell me she cannot accept the gift. I wanted to give her the world but I have this stupid way about me where I prove to be my own worst enemy time and time again in life. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want to talk to me ever again. I'd love nothing more then to have a second shot but I know how undeserving how I am of that chance. I can try to rationalize my ill behavior and say that my track record was so good before but she never once did anything half as bad as I did to her. This feeling sucks. I hate myself so much and wish this deep pain in my chest would go away. Does anyone have any similar stories or advice? I know I need to attempt to move on but I am still in huge shock/disbelief. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 I'm sorry you are hurting. Just curious, what led to the breakup? 53 minutes ago, JayDay said: I wanted to give her the world but I have this stupid way about me where I prove to be my own worst enemy time and time again in life. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't want to talk to me ever again. I'd love nothing more then to have a second shot but I know how undeserving how I am of that chance. Perhaps another way of looking at it and trying to let go of whatever guilt you are feeling is that you are giving her all that you possibly can by letting her go and staying out of her way so she can find what she really wants or needs. Sometimes that's the greatest act of love one can do for another person knowing that they cannot be the one for them and wishing them the best. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 7 hours ago, JayDay said: It was her birthday this past weekend and I did some social media stalking on some of her friend pages(dumb of me) and seeing her look happy as hell with all of them and me not being able to celebrate her bday with her hurt me so much. Were all the friends she was so happy with male by any chance? Ok you blew it. How do you get out. Her door is closed. Her feelings for you were not as strong as your feelings are for her. Enroll yourself into individual counseling and do the hard work of finding out what triggered your out-of-body experience. It's possible that your problem is partially organic and some chems will put you back on track. Shut the door on this and take a positive step forward for yourself. There is always someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 You say you were jealous, spiteful & you betrayed her trust. That is a heck of a trifecta. Jealous may be understandable but whatever you did out of spite to betray her may be too tough for her to get past. For your own sanity you need to disconnect from her everywhere even on social media which may also mean disconnecting with her friends. You don't need to be looking at her pictures. They will just hurt you. Reflect on what you did. Learn from these mistakes so you don't make them again in your next relationship. Then carry on, Link to post Share on other sites
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