I love her but I can't tell her

[Cade Hernandez]

We both have feelings for each other but I worry that she doesn't like me the way I like her. For thenlongest time I felt like I loved her but I just told myself I don't know what love is and just brushed those feelings away. In the past two months I have gotten to the point where I know I love her, and I can't deny it. I feel it all of the time and I want to tell her all of the time, but I'm honestly worried to say it to her.

One, I worry she doesn't feel the same or she's just not ready to hear it, she is very shy and timid, and she's had a traumatic experience leading her to believe that she can't love anymore.

Two, on two occasions I made an attempt to express my love by holding her hand or hugging her, but she's not a physical person and her love language is more centered around quality time. I'm not sure if I'm just making excuses as to why I shouldn't tell her because I am scared to tell her or if they are legitimate reasons to hold off.

All I know is that I love her and I think about it all of the time, and I get the urge to hug her, kiss her, or hold her hand every time I see her and despite her feelings she just wants to remain friends. I know giving up is not an option, I will try and make things work because she is someone special to me and we have been close for a while. I just feel like I'm going crazy, like every day is a loop and no matter how much I want to tell her I love her and no matter how much I just want to hold her in my arms, that feel the need to resist it.

Feeling this way and having to hide it and pretend that I don't feel this way hurts so much. I don't know what to do, but I feel like I'm going nuts just keeping this to myself.

Edited October 1, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[schlumpy]

If you need physical contact and she doesn't? She won't even hold hands? How is this going to work even if she accepts your declaration of love? 

For you own emotional safety, you need to cool your jets. You going to drive yourself insane chasing after someone that does not share your feelings.

Unless she sends a clear a signal she wants more then friendship you need to date other women. That's where you focus should be.

Take what she will give you but don't give or express more in return. You should not go out of your way to be with her alone. Try to socialize in mixed company. It's easier to control your feelings.

You are at 50,000 feet right now and one of your engines is on fire. It's a long way to the ground.

[d0nnivain]

How old are you & have you been on a date with her?  If you are young, you are right, she's not ready to hear it.  If you haven't even been on a date yet, do that 1st.  

[Cade Hernandez]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

If you need physical contact and she doesn't? She won't even hold hands? How is this going to work even if she accepts your declaration of love? 

For you own emotional safety, you need to cool your jets. You going to drive yourself insane chasing after someone that does not share your feelings.

Unless she sends a clear a signal she wants more then friendship you need to date other women. That's where you focus should be.

Take what she will give you but don't give or express more in return. You should not go out of your way to be with her alone. Try to socialize in mixed company. It's easier to control your feelings.

You are at 50,000 feet right now and one of your engines is on fire. It's a long way to the ground.

Thanks for the advice I'll take it into consideration

[Cade Hernandez]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

How old are you & have you been on a date with her?  If you are young, you are right, she's not ready to hear it.  If you haven't even been on a date yet, do that 1st.  

I'm 17 and she's 18. Okay I'll think about it, thanks XD

[d0nnivain]

OK.  Let me explain a few things to you.  

Step 1.  Be her friend.  You have done that but you are inappropriately pushing boundaries if you are trying to hold her hand before she is your GF. 

Step 2.  Ask her on an actual date.  It doesn't have to be fancy.  Take her to go get ice cream or or play mini golf.  Your choices are kind of limited right now. 

If she declines the date, full STOP.  It means she does not want to date you & you need to respect that.  You may need to put distance in your friendship while your feelings calm down.  If you hang around pining for her you will just make yourself sad & she will lose respect for you.  Take a step back 

Step 3.  On the date ask if you can hold her hand.  You may have to build up to this if she's shy & reserved.  Respect her boundaries. 

Step 4.  After 2-3 dates ask if you can kiss her when you are parting.  Gently & quickly place a chaste closed mouth peck on her lips (or cheek if you need to work up to the lips.

Step 5  Start kissing her hello too after you have shared a few good bye kisses. 

Step 6 After a few weeks (yes weeks plural) work up to a French kiss. 

Step 7 Ask her to be your GF

Enjoy dating her.  

[ShyViolet]

Is this a person you are actually dating, or just a friend at this point?

[Cade Hernandez]

7 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

OK.  Let me explain a few things to you.  

Step 1.  Be her friend.  You have done that but you are inappropriately pushing boundaries if you are trying to hold her hand before she is your GF. 

Step 2.  Ask her on an actual date.  It doesn't have to be fancy.  Take her to go get ice cream or or play mini golf.  Your choices are kind of limited right now. 

If she declines the date, full STOP.  It means she does not want to date you & you need to respect that.  You may need to put distance in your friendship while your feelings calm down.  If you hang around pining for her you will just make yourself sad & she will lose respect for you.  Take a step back 

Step 3.  On the date ask if you can hold her hand.  You may have to build up to this if she's shy & reserved.  Respect her boundaries. 

Step 4.  After 2-3 dates ask if you can kiss her when you are parting.  Gently & quickly place a chaste closed mouth peck on her lips (or cheek if you need to work up to the lips.

Step 5  Start kissing her hello too after you have shared a few good bye kisses. 

Step 6 After a few weeks (yes weeks plural) work up to a French kiss. 

Step 7 Ask her to be your GF

Enjoy dating her.  

Thanks, I'll ask her on a date, hopefully she'll say yes.

[Cade Hernandez]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Is this a person you are actually dating, or just a friend at this point?

Were "friends", though we have both admitted to have feelings for each other. I say "friends" because, she has many perks of having a boyfriend but she says she's not ready, and I don't want to push her. I'm thinking it's a good idea to asked her on a date and see what happens.

[DarrenB]

If I was you I'd cool your socks otherwise you're going to jeopardize the friendship that you have, leaving you with nothing.

16 hours ago, Cade Hernandez said:

and despite her feelings she just wants to remain friends. I know giving up is not an option, I will try and make things work because she is someone special to me and we have been close for a while.

You cannot force someone to like you, let alone love you. Persistence is a trait that needs to be used at times that are deemed appropriate, I don't think this is one of those times. 

By all means I'm a firm believer in young love but this is a severely strong case of unrequited love even if particular reciprocal feelings have surfaced. If you continue how you are you will most certainly set yourself up for failure.

Ask her on a date - if she accepts, don't go in with the mentality to serenade and persuade her to fall in 'love' you. Use it as a basic foundation to understand where you both are, engage in meaningful conversation and activity/s that don't revolve around you trying to get physical with her. If she declines, simply take it on the chin and keep yourself open to friendship. If you feel you won't be able to, take some time away from her to allow yourself to distance from your affectionate thoughts towards her.

[d0nnivain]

24 minutes ago, Cade Hernandez said:

Were "friends", though we have both admitted to have feelings for each other. I say "friends" because, she has many perks of having a boyfriend but she says she's not ready, and I don't want to push her. I'm thinking it's a good idea to asked her on a date and see what happens.

Be gentle with her.  Go at her pace.  The label scared her.  I was like that.  When I was 16, the 18 year old boy I was dating called me his GF & I broke up with him for pigeon-holing me & taking away my identity.  I was very upset about being seen as an extension of him rather than my own person.   She probably fears getting hurt or worse, being pressured into sexual acts she is not ready for.  

If she appears unsure, remind her that a long ago wise advice columnist named Ann Landers once said "Love is friendship that has caught fire."   Urge her to act on the feelings she has for you & promise there is no pressure.  

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Cade Hernandez said:

I'm 17 and she's 18. Okay I'll think about it, thanks XD

She just wants to be friends. You have a crush and that's ok, but you can't stalk and harass girls who are not interested.

[Fletch Lives]

This is the classic line from the nice guy - "I love her, why does she not love me back (because her feelings are separate from yours)?"

Her love language is not affection with you because she's not interested in you romantically. 99% of women like affection, almost all of them - that Love Languages book is nonsense.

Google nice guy on the web and stop orbiting women who are not into you.