Husband's sister problem. Not sure I can take it anymore.

[Rachel Wolf]

Hi,

I have just registered in order to vent my resentment and anger and who knows what else, but in reality I really need an advice and somebody to talk to.

I have been married for 3 years and have a lovely 2 year old daughter. However, the marriage was rocky from the start - at first it seemed like a fairytale, I met him after a nasty breakup and didn't think about relationships, much less marriage. But the connection was so strong and the love that I thought I felt was so great and it just came out of nowhere that, in a nutshell, 6 months into dating we were married. 3 months later I was pregnant. I gave up my job/flat and moved to his city. I didn't know anybody there, all his friends became my friends but what I didn't expect is that his sister would gradually become my enemy.

It's quite simple, she can't stand me. We have nothing in common. A day after our marriage she said so, quite openly and bluntly. I was shocked. I told him and his response was pretty much nothing. It's his older sister, she's always right. His only excuse was that I probably did something to piss her off?! I should have left him then and there but I stayed.

And three months later I was pregnant. Now, 2 years later everything is falling apart. Constant arguments, I am never good enough, I am not like this perfect sister of his, I don't cook that well, I am not nurturing enough...well, he should have married his sister. They are very close, we live a couple of blocks from her, she's married with 2 kids and I feel that I can't go anywhere without bumping into her and it's really driving me insane. Whenever we decide to go the mall, for example, she's there! For a walk in the park, she pops up! It's like she's actively stalking us and it's driving me insane. The fact that he is so much closer to her than to me is also a tipping point and reason for our disagreements.

I feel like I don't even know who I married and now, 3 years living in his city, I realize that I don't really have friends here - they are all his. I don't have anybody to talk to except my mother who doesn't really get it and a couple of my old friends who, at this point, just keep saying why don't you leave him?

Is it insane to say - because I love him and hope that something will change?!

I tried being her friend but it backfired. Now I ignore her completely but there's this coldness in him that I feel and that I don't particularly like and everytime I approach the subject, I get the standard reply "nagging". I am not sure if he really loves me, he most certainly doesn't get me. I used to travel a lot, I'm from Europe by the way, and his sister hasn't had that chance and as far as I understand is in an unhappy marriage and it often seems like she wants to make mine an unhappy one as well, just so that she can have her brother back...at times, I thought I might be paranoid but a couple of unbiased relatives also seem to think that she's the problem.

I keep giving myself to this marriage hoping that things will change and I don't want to get a divorce, but I am just so very unhappy...the support, the emotional and physical one, is lacking. Or any kind of constructive talk. It's like I'm living with a roomate at this point who seems to have a child with me. And should I even mention that we haven't had sex in months and when I approach THAT subject, it's the same - if I stop asking and talking about it and, you guessed it, "nagging", things might change. In the meantime, I should just wait?!

He's not cheating, btw. It seems like he completely lost any interest in sex...or sex with me. I don't know. We're both 40.

Anybody else is this situation?

Edited September 30, 2020 by Rachel Wolf

[d0nnivain]

I'm not in this situation but I feel for you.  Your husband is breaking what I think is a cardinal rule of marriage:  he has to separate from his family of origin & side with you you, his wife.  He's not doing that. 

Can you sit him down & get him to give you concrete insight into her.  You may need MC to get him to stop comparing you to her.  

With Covid it will be hard but can you do anything to cultivate friendships of your own -- is there a neighbor or other young mothers in the park?  

 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Rachel Wolf said:

6 months into dating we were married. 3 months later I was pregnant. I gave up my job/flat and moved to his city.

2 years later everything is falling apart. Constant arguments, I am never good enough, I am not like this perfect sister of his, I don't cook that well, I am not nurturing enough.

I feel like I don't even know who I married and now, 3 years living in his city, I realize that I don't really have friends here

I keep giving myself to this marriage hoping that things will change and I don't want to get a divorce, but I am just so very unhappy

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately your husband is the problem. Quick involvement, quick marriage, quickly tied down with pregnancy, isolated from friends, family, your home town... all red flags of an abuser. 

He is mental verbally and emotionally abusive and on some level you know this and know this is not about his sister. She is just the scapegoat. He is the problem. 

Privately and confidentially talk to friends and family back home.  Admit what is going on and stop blaming the sister. Privately and confidentially talk to an attorney about options in divorce. Privately and confidentially talk to a therapist. Do not let him know what's happening until you can find a way to extricate yourself from him.

[Ruby Slippers]

A married couple has to be unified against any boundary oversteps or intrusion from family. I'd talk to him about it and tell him marriage counseling is mandatory or you're leaving. If he won't agree to counseling, nothing will change, so you're better off moving on.

[schlumpy]

I think you need to consider counseling and work on a solution that is best for you and your child. It doesn't look as if you can depend on your husband to have your best interests at heart. He may come around towards the end.

[Rachel Wolf]

12 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm not in this situation but I feel for you.  Your husband is breaking what I think is a cardinal rule of marriage:  he has to separate from his family of origin & side with you you, his wife.  He's not doing that. 

Can you sit him down & get him to give you concrete insight into her.  You may need MC to get him to stop comparing you to her.  

With Covid it will be hard but can you do anything to cultivate friendships of your own -- is there a neighbor or other young mothers in the park?  

 

Hi, thank you for your response. I tried talking to him about her but he doesn't see the problem, they're "close" and he doesn't want to do anything to ruin that. I have a brother and we don't talk 3 times a day nor do we bump into each other every chance we get, when we're out with our significant others. Of course, my brother lives in another town, which makes this even more bizarre. Last night he told me that I don't have to hang out with his sister, since he doesn't much like his sister's husband either so that's fine but she's the most important person in his life and he's not going to do anything to jeopardize their relationship. In other words, it's his sister over me. I get it. I suppose it's really time to seriously think about getting out of this marriage.

[Rachel Wolf]

11 hours ago, schlumpy said:

I think you need to consider counseling and work on a solution that is best for you and your child. It doesn't look as if you can depend on your husband to have your best interests at heart. He may come around towards the end.

I tried that, he's thinks I need counseling...he's fine. So, yeah, this is doomed.

[Rachel Wolf]

12 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

A married couple has to be unified against any boundary oversteps or intrusion from family. I'd talk to him about it and tell him marriage counseling is mandatory or you're leaving. If he won't agree to counseling, nothing will change, so you're better off moving on.

We talked about counseling, he's against it but highly recommends it for me, since he believes there's something wrong with me. So I guess moving on is a real option at this point.

[Rachel Wolf]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately your husband is the problem. Quick involvement, quick marriage, quickly tied down with pregnancy, isolated from friends, family, your home town... all red flags of an abuser. 

He is mental verbally and emotionally abusive and on some level you know this and know this is not about his sister. She is just the scapegoat. He is the problem. 

Privately and confidentially talk to friends and family back home.  Admit what is going on and stop blaming the sister. Privately and confidentially talk to an attorney about options in divorce. Privately and confidentially talk to a therapist. Do not let him know what's happening until you can find a way to extricate yourself from him.

Hi, thank you so much for your reply, deep down I knew...What you wrote here is exactly how I felt for a long time but just couldn't confess it to myself. Seeing it written gives this a whole new perspective. He is abusive, actually, and this probably has a something to do with his sister but a lot more to do with him. I also belive that he's a narcissist, it always has to go his way, he's always perfect, everybody else is to blame for the mistakes he makes or situations he's in. His job is very important to him and I often get that "you're ruining my image" kind of talk. So, your advice is spot on and I will do that.

[Wiseman2]

Yes. The sister is just one of his " flying monkeys". Google it. He's the problem so talking to him or counseling is pointless.

Better to talk to your trusted family and friends about what is really going on. Definitely talk to an attorney. Privately and confidentially, start planning your escape from this.

Do not allow him to keep you focused on the sister. He is the problem.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Rachel Wolf said:

 Last night he told me ... she's the most important person in his life and he's not going to do anything to jeopardize their relationship. In other words, it's his sister over me. I get it. I suppose it's really time to seriously think about getting out of this marriage.

She you parrot his words back to him like that?  -- "You are telling me you are choosing your sister over me, over our marriage, over our family?   I just want to be clear that you are specifically saying that she's more important to me.  I need to know where I stand while I decide if I want to be in this marriage where I'm not loved."

Sadly I think the answer may be yes in which case you have no chose.  There is no reason to stay

[Fletch Lives]

 I'd say the unless you guys move away from the sister, you will have a real low quality of life until you divorce.

You two stopped having sex because your love levels are low. I would recommend moving and counseling.

[Ruby Slippers]

He won't change. If I were you, I'd get counseling for myself and a divorce attorney. 

[Amethyst68]

Would he raise any objection if you separated and took your daughter back to your home town? Is his sister more important than his daughter? 

[Pastypop]

I’d get a job in another city that has a better school system and use that justification to leave.  If you own your property, I would push for it to be sold so that the his child could live in a good school district.  If at some point he chooses to move with you than great!  The bottom line is you need to get your family out of the area and away from that mess!  That SIL needs to find herself some friends, a lover, hobby or a job and get out of your marriage.  Encourage her to do so by moving away.   
 

Many years ago, I told my husband’s two SILS to “Go f*** Themselves”.  Now, I probably wouldn’t recommend that you do the same but, it sure felt good.  It also help lead to permanent No Contact too which I truly LOVE!! 

[Caauug]

On 10/1/2020 at 3:35 AM, Rachel Wolf said:

I keep giving myself to this marriage hoping that things will change and I don't want to get a divorce, but I am just so very unhappy...the support, the emotional and physical one, is lacking. Or any kind of constructive talk. It's like I'm living with a roomate at this point who seems to have a child with me. And should I even mention that we haven't had sex in months and when I approach THAT subject, it's the same - if I stop asking and talking about it and, you guessed it, "nagging", things might change. In the meantime, I should just wait?!

He's not cheating, btw. It seems like he completely lost any interest in sex...or sex with me. I don't know. We're both 40.

He likely finds you not very attractive.... You are unhappy, with your "nagging" and if you have kept or put on weight since the birth, it can all add up. You can't fix him, you can only fix yourself. If he is abusive, it is time you looked after yourself and your child and distance yourself from him. If your weight or health has suffered it is time to look after that. Don't expect him to fix things that only you can change.