kenziejane Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 He's in his 30s and has a legitimate reason for choosing not to date in his 20s. Personally, it didn't bother me when he told me and I actually thought it was admirable that he recognized he wasn't in a place mentally where he could be a good partner. However, I was talking to my girlfriends about him the other day and one of them immediately said she would never even consider a man who had no relationship experience. It was a red flag for her. I guess I can see why, but also this man has been nothing but incredibly sweet to me. It hasn't gone this smoothly with anyone else in months. However, my friend said one thing that I can't get out of my head now. That she would never want to be someone's first relationship because it would feel too much like being the practice relationship. That no one settles down with their first relationship, that he'll probably want to date multiple women since he's so new to this, etc etc. I guess I'm just wondering what other people think. Should I be hesitant? Any advice or tips? I've never dated someone with no prior relationship experience but it hasn't been an issue with him yet. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 Your friend is too picky. You said this guy had a legitimate reason for not dating in his 20s. Go with that Everybody has relationship experience. Every human interaction is a relationship; a friendship is a type of relationship; a student teacher interaction is a relationship; so is boss subordinate. If he's kind, thoughtful & interesting, date him especially if you find him attractive. So maybe he's not so suave but if he's a good guy, you found a diamond in the rough. Don't throw him out because your narrow minded GF sees more value in a man other women want; she's being too short sighted I had 2 women in my life tell me to reject my husband because he was suave enough, didn't make enough money & didn't have a fancy degree. They are idiots (although I still love them). My husband is a wonderful man & an awesome husband, even when I tease him about not being romantic. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenziejane Posted September 30, 2020 Author Share Posted September 30, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Your friend is too picky. You said this guy had a legitimate reason for not dating in his 20s. Go with that Everybody has relationship experience. Every human interaction is a relationship; a friendship is a type of relationship; a student teacher interaction is a relationship; so is boss subordinate. If he's kind, thoughtful & interesting, date him especially if you find him attractive. So maybe he's not so suave but if he's a good guy, you found a diamond in the rough. Don't throw him out because your narrow minded GF sees more value in a man other women want; she's being too short sighted I had 2 women in my life tell me to reject my husband because he was suave enough, didn't make enough money & didn't have a fancy degree. They are idiots (although I still love them). My husband is a wonderful man & an awesome husband, even when I tease him about not being romantic. Honestly, you're not wrong! She's very picky about who she dates, but I let her get into my head. This answer really put me at ease. He's a really amazing person. I'll take that over suaveness any day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 15 minutes ago, kenziejane said: He's in his 30s and has a legitimate reason for choosing not to date in his 20s. this man has been nothing but incredibly sweet to me. It hasn't gone this smoothly with anyone else in months. How long have you been dating? What were his reasons for not dating? As long as you can be yourself and be happy it's fine. Does he have his own place, job, etc? As long as you don't take on any sort of role as teacher, you'll do fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenziejane Posted September 30, 2020 Author Share Posted September 30, 2020 7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have you been dating? What were his reasons for not dating? As long as you can be yourself and be happy it's fine. Does he have his own place, job, etc? As long as you don't take on any sort of role as teacher, you'll do fine. It's been a few weeks now. I don't really want to get into the reasons, but they are completely legit. Has all those things you mentioned as well! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 I don't agree he'll necessarily move on just because you're his first girlfriend. I'd give it some time and see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 If that's all it took to give you doubts, even though he's been really good to you, then I think this is not a good sign at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 If he decides that you are the one it won't how many other women are waiting in the wings. Link to post Share on other sites
Huffy Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 I know of 5 couples who dated in high school and got married and are still married. They were each other's only relationship. I think it happens all the time. The only thing I'd be wary of is that he has no experience with relationship troubles. I've learned so much over the years about bickering and misunderstandings and fighting. I'm not saying I always do the right thing, but I think I can predict the result(s) of a bad situation, depending on what I do about it. Someone with no experience is starting from the beginning with this. I think the main thing I'd look for is his maturity level. If he's mature enough, this probably won't matter, but if he's the least bit immature, if you get into a fight, he might act the way someone young would act. Otherwise, I think it would be fun to be someone's first relationship. Don't listen to your friends ALL the time. When people give advice, they're giving it based on their own preferences and biases (and experiences). Consider the source, as they say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenziejane Posted September 30, 2020 Author Share Posted September 30, 2020 40 minutes ago, OnlyHonesty said: If that's all it took to give you doubts, even though he's been really good to you, then I think this is not a good sign at all. It didn't change the fact that I wanted to keep seeing him at all. It just sort of nagged at me a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 3 hours ago, kenziejane said: He's in his 30s and has a legitimate reason for choosing not to date in his 20s. Personally, it didn't bother me when he told me and I actually thought it was admirable that he recognized he wasn't in a place mentally where he could be a good partner. However, I was talking to my girlfriends about him the other day and one of them immediately said she would never even consider a man who had no relationship experience. It was a red flag for her. I guess I can see why, but also this man has been nothing but incredibly sweet to me. It hasn't gone this smoothly with anyone else in months. However, my friend said one thing that I can't get out of my head now. That she would never want to be someone's first relationship because it would feel too much like being the practice relationship. That no one settles down with their first relationship, that he'll probably want to date multiple women since he's so new to this, etc etc. I guess I'm just wondering what other people think. Should I be hesitant? Any advice or tips? I've never dated someone with no prior relationship experience but it hasn't been an issue with him yet. Your girl friends are way out of line IMO. Your girl friends are not dating him, you are. That means what ever they want and look for in their relationships has no place in yours. If you are happy and he treats you the way you want what is the problem? What are you going to do next? Hand them your check book and let them manage your finances? I know plenty of married couples who married their first major relationship. I highly doubt it's just practice for him. No one dates people for "practice" they date someone because they genuinely like the person and want to see if they can build something together. I'd also recommend you quit involving third parties in your relationship. You are letting those third parties influence your decisions and your relationship. You are letting those third parties come between you and someone you actually like and are happy with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 (edited) No, it's fair for your friends to share their opinions. That's why they're your friends; they feel free to provide their perspective and you can listen to each other thoughtfully and respectfully. I wouldn't date someone with no relationship experience in their mid-30s. It's not about sex (although that can be a factor), it's about not knowing how to handle the everyday ins and outs of a relationship---how to have a loving disagreement, how to compromise, how to make up after a fight, how to support each other when you're both stressed, how to settle into a rhythm in a household. When I was 24 I briefly dated a guy who had no relationship experience whatsoever and within a few months I just couldn't do it anymore. I wasn't exactly Ms. Dates A Lot at that age, but he had absolutely no idea how to be a good partner. I think if this guy shows that he's open, interested in learning, a good listener and emotionally mature, then it could work. If you haven't had a single bad feeling about him up to this point then don't let your friend's opinion bother you. Finding it to be a deal-breaker is fair, as is not caring about it at all. We're all different people. Edited October 1, 2020 by lana-banana Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 To be honest, I think your friend is right. I would never date a man in his 30s who has never been in a relationship before. I think that's really weird and a red flag. However, if you really like the guy and you want to date him, then go right ahead. Do what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 I have to agree with your friends... do not be surprised if at some point he thinks 'Hmm I wonder what else is out there.. how do I know this is the best relationship for me if I have nothing to compare it to..' I know I did in my first relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ajequals Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 I'd find a new friend. I think she's jealous. There are many men that find their first true love their one and only. No need to test the field. I an curious though what his reason was Link to post Share on other sites
Maldives Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) On the contrary I think he offers a clean slate. No baggage or hurt from past relationships. The only thing to consider is the emotional aspect and how he deals with jealousy etc. I remember my first time in love all those feelings were new to me so I wasnt used to being jealous etc. On the flip side my first love I treated with absolute devotion and love because I had no history of pain etc that usually throws up your walls and guard to protect onself from getting hurt.. Edited October 1, 2020 by Goodguy05 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 Enjoy getting to know him better and dating. Don't let catty friends stir the pot. Just stop talking to them about him. Answer everything with "fine", then change the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 Keep in mind that the number one factor for good relationship skills is social skills, and having experience with people in general and friendships. A relationship is a friendship on fire. 17 hours ago, kenziejane said: I guess I'm just wondering what other people think. Should I be hesitant? Any advice or tips? I've never dated someone with no prior relationship experience but it hasn't been an issue with him yet. - That's more of a maturity issue - regardless of how many relationships someone has had, some people are immature and not ready for love. I think your friend is reaching.....not everything is a red flag you know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, kenziejane said: He's in his 30s and has a legitimate reason for choosing not to date in his 20s. What legitimate reason could there be for a guy to not have dated anyone when he was in the best decade of his life? Was he in college and studying hard to become a doctor? Was he taking care of his aging parents? Quote Personally, it didn't bother me when he told me and I actually thought it was admirable that he recognized he wasn't in a place mentally where he could be a good partner. However, I was talking to my girlfriends about him the other day and one of them immediately said she would never even consider a man who had no relationship experience. It was a red flag for her. I guess I can see why, but also this man has been nothing but incredibly sweet to me. It hasn't gone this smoothly with anyone else in months. Same. I would never consider a woman in her 30s who has no relationships experience or who is still a virgin. Makes me wonder how messed up she is, and I ain't about that life. yeah, well, the guy can be incredibly sweet, but so is cake and it gives you cavities. Dude is probably laying it thick to cover up for all of his flaws that have kept him from dating in his 20s. Quote However, my friend said one thing that I can't get out of my head now. That she would never want to be someone's first relationship because it would feel too much like being the practice relationship. That no one settles down with their first relationship, that he'll probably want to date multiple women since he's so new to this, etc etc. I guess I'm just wondering what other people think. Should I be hesitant? Any advice or tips? I've never dated someone with no prior relationship experience but it hasn't been an issue with him yet. I agree with your friend. You should be hesitant to date this guy, in fact you shouldn't date this guy at all. What are you, his dating guru now? Are you going to teach him how to treat a woman in a relationship? He should've already learned how to by the age of 25 at the most! Dump him and go find yourself a man whose first name and last name isn't Jesus Christ, with his birth date being like the baseline for every timeline. Edited October 1, 2020 by Azincourt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenziejane Posted October 1, 2020 Author Share Posted October 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, Azincourt said: What legitimate reason could there be for a guy to not have dated anyone when he was in the best decade of his life? Was he in college and studying hard to become a doctor? Was he taking care of his aging parents? Same. I would never consider a woman in her 30s who has no relationships experience or who is still a virgin. Makes me wonder how messed up she is, and I ain't about that life. yeah, well, the guy can be incredibly sweet, but so is cake and it gives you cavities. Dude is probably laying it thick to cover up for all of his flaws that have kept him from dating in his 20s. I agree with your friend. You should be hesitant to date this guy, in fact you shouldn't date this guy at all. What are you, his dating guru now? Are you going to teach him how to treat a woman in a relationship? He should've already learned how to by the age of 25 at the most! Dump him and go find yourself a man whose first name and last name isn't Jesus Christ, with his birth date being like the baseline for every timeline. He dated in high school and his early 20s. However, gained a lot of weight and stopped dating because he felt uncomfortable and just not in the right headspace. Which I can relate to as someone who recently lost around 30lbs. In the past two years, he's shed all that weight and looks great. He's been dating for a year, but hasn't had any serious relationships. So it's not like he's completely inexperienced. He's definitely not a virgin either. He's been with women. I don't feel he is messed up, but I guess I don't know him all that well either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 9 minutes ago, kenziejane said: He dated in high school and his early 20s. He's been dating for a year, but hasn't had any serious relationships. Date him. There are no red flags. He's not someone who is socially awkward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenziejane Posted October 1, 2020 Author Share Posted October 1, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Date him. There are no red flags. He's not someone who is socially awkward. He's not at all. He has a lot of friends, some of whom I've met and I've seen him in a social setting with my own friends. I really think his lack of relationship experience was just him not feeling comfortable with himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 He's done the work on himself. His period of being overweight probably made him empathetic & compassionate. I think you two will be fine. Enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) Well, then, if he's dated before and has lots of friends, then I don't see anything wrong with dating him. Ah, I see, he didn't date because he didn't feel comfortable being overweight, or women were looking over him because of his body weight. Glad to hear the guy shed all of that extra body weight, Thumbs up. Edited October 1, 2020 by Azincourt Link to post Share on other sites
Author kenziejane Posted October 1, 2020 Author Share Posted October 1, 2020 8 minutes ago, Azincourt said: Well, then, if he's dated before and has lots of friends, then I don't see anything wrong with dating him. Ah, I see, he didn't date because he didn't feel comfortable being overweight, or women were looking over him because of his body weight. Glad to hear the guy shed all of that extra body weight, Thumbs up. No, he's dated. He just hasn't had a serious relationship before or anything long-term. That's why I said it seemed like a valid reason to me. As someone who also used to be overweight, I had no interest in dating until I lost it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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