update

[Birdies]

I just signed on here for the first time in a couple years.  I have been reading and learning about infidelity since my (me - married OW) affair with a married man blew up in late 2015.  

Knowing what I know, I would never advocate crossing boundaries with a married person.  I am on full alert knowing how easy it can be to "accidentally" go down that path by just making one tiny transgression, followed by another tiny one, etc etc, until you are so far away from where you started that you don't even know how you got there.  Being involved in affair can be life-destroying, both for you and for everyone else involved.  My advice to any OW/OM here is always to get out NOW.  Go no contact and don't look back.  Your odds are about 99.5% that it won't end well for you otherwise.

That said - MM and I have been very happily married for 3 years and have a toddler.  I don't think this is the norm by any means, and it's a horrible way to find a spouse.  But we are very, very happy.

My ex is also happy and in a long-term relationship, and we have infrequent but cordial communication.  MM's ex hasn't been heard from since the divorce, which is a good thing for everyone involved.

This site was very helpful for me in navigating the destruction and fallout caused by my affair, so I figured I'd show back up and update.  I hope everyone is hanging in there in this weird, depressing, dumpster fire of a year.

[mark clemson]

Congrats on being a successful OW I suppose. If the OBW being out of the picture completely is positive, she must have been a difficult partner for him. Certainly not always the case, but these things happen. I do think it's rare that things work out so positively.  GL.

 

 

Waiting for it...

Edited September 30, 2020 by mark clemson

[Birdies]

Well, I wouldn’t necessarily say I was a “successful OW”. I don’t think blowing up four people’s lives, and doing countless other harm, really counts as successful. Like I said, it’s not a great method to find a spouse. I agree it’s a rarity, like I said. 

Yes, it’s best for both of them to have moved on, given some of the personality issues and that were in play. 

Whatcha waiting for Mark? 
 

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Congrats on being a successful OW I suppose. If the OBW being out of the picture completely is positive, she must have been a difficult partner for him. Certainly not always the case, but these things happen. I do think it's rare that things work out so positively.  GL.

 

 

Waiting for it...

 

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, Birdies said:

I don’t think blowing up four people’s lives, and doing countless other harm, really counts as successful.

That is certainly a fair point. It does seem to have ended up for the best in your particular case.

 

13 hours ago, Birdies said:

Whatcha waiting for Mark?

Someone to bash your post or bash me for congratulating you, etc. Maybe not this time...

Edited October 1, 2020 by mark clemson

[Birdies]

Oh, haha, yeah I'm guessing that will come at some point.  And it's certainly justified, so I wouldn't blame them.

46 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

 

Someone to bash your post or bash me for congratulating you, etc. Maybe not this time...

 

[mark clemson]

3 minutes ago, Birdies said:

And it's certainly justified, so I wouldn't blame them.

If you say so. It's your post. I guess I won't wait for it any more then. I wish you well in your new life.

[Birdies]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

If you say so. It's your post. I guess I won't wait for it any more then. I wish you well in your new life.

I'm just saying, I'm not here to be a spokeperson for infidelity.  It sucks, it's a horrible thing to do.  So if people want to bash me (and they certainly did plenty in the past here, lol), then I understand it.  That said, my husband and I learned a LOT through our experiences with infidelity, we have learned how to protect and strengthen our marriage, and we are extremely happy.  Thank you for the well wishes  

[DKT3]

When you last were posting I really thought you were starting to backslide, you seemed to have really regretted the decision.  I must say, I'm slightly shocked that you two are still together.  

I'm fairly confident I remember correctly,  mind isn't a steel trap anymore,  more like an aluminum mesh....

[Birdies]

7 hours ago, DKT3 said:

When you last were posting I really thought you were starting to backslide, you seemed to have really regretted the decision.  I must say, I'm slightly shocked that you two are still together.  

I'm fairly confident I remember correctly,  mind isn't a steel trap anymore,  more like an aluminum mesh....

Ha, i remember that too. You were convinced I still had underlying feelings for my ex and would end up back with him.

I still care about him and wish him well, and I’m glad that we chat very occasionally - a few times a year. But that’s it. I don’t regret how things ended up in the slightest, although I still have a lot of regrets for hurting people along the way. My ex in a happy long term relationship that is probably better for not having the 15 years of baggage that we had, and my marriage is truly wonderful. It hasn’t all been easy, our kiddo has some health issues and now we are having to do IVF for another, but we are a really good team and very happy. 

[Chica80]

Hi Birdies, I used to post here long ago. 

I remember your story. Congrats. Happy it worked out for you. 

[carhill]

For some people difficult paths are those they choose, survive and succeed at. OP, plenty of others, some well-know, millions unknown, are wandering around out there in similar circumstances, not to mention unknown historical incidences throughout time, such reflecting the vagaries of human nature. You've apparently made peace with your choices and made a successful life and family with your affair partner. I've seen similar in my social circle as well over the decades. Some messy, some orderly, some visible, some long hidden. Humans doing what humans do, including those who dot all the I's and cross all the T's and follow the holy book and golden rules to the letter. Big wide highway of humans out there.

As an anecdote, I wouldn't be here offering this opinion if not for a lady choosing to take up with another man while my father was embroiled in the war with the Nazis and Fascists. If she hadn't done that, taken his girls and moved on to another man, he would've never met my mom and I never would have been born in this particular timeline of circumstances. That's how life goes sometimes. Good luck!

[notbroken]

Do you truly trust your husband?   Does he truly trust you?   Honestly, I'm not so sure the 'success' of this is insured just yet.  

[DKT3]

6 hours ago, notbroken said:

Do you truly trust your husband?   Does he truly trust you?   Honestly, I'm not so sure the 'success' of this is insured just yet.  

These types of relationships usually last about 5 years.  However,  if I remember correctly birdie and her ap went to therapy very early.  I've seen stats that say between 75-80% of affairs turned relationships fails....there is that 20-25%.

[Birdies]

On 10/20/2020 at 11:47 AM, notbroken said:

Do you truly trust your husband?   Does he truly trust you?   Honestly, I'm not so sure the 'success' of this is insured just yet.  

I do, and he trusts me.  You are welcome to think that's silly if you want, no skin off my back.  I probably would too.  But we have both done a lot of digging deep to figure out why we made such s***ty choices and how to avoid ever doing that again, and that makes us both feel secure and trusting of each other.  I think probably most people who have affairs don't do that kind of self-reflection.  It's been about 5 years now and we are happier than ever, despite various life challenges.  That's no guarantee of course, but life is good.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Birdies

[Birdies]

On 10/20/2020 at 5:52 PM, DKT3 said:

These types of relationships usually last about 5 years.  However,  if I remember correctly birdie and her ap went to therapy very early.  I've seen stats that say between 75-80% of affairs turned relationships fails....there is that 20-25%.

We didn't actually do any therapy together, but we both saw individual counselors to process everything that was happening and how to learn from it.  We are coming up on 5 years now and very happy.... raising a toddler, working on #2, we still work together, very happy  

Again, not a good way to find a spouse, and I can objectively look back and say we both made horrible decisions that hurt everyone.  I wouldn't recommend cheating to anyone, and hurting my exH and others is definitely the worst and most regrettable thing I've ever done.  But our marriage is great.

Edited October 28, 2020 by Birdies

[Birdies]

On 10/12/2020 at 6:08 PM, Chica80 said:

Hi Birdies, I used to post here long ago. 

I remember your story. Congrats. Happy it worked out for you. 

Thank you ❤️  I really hope you are doing well as well.

[carhill]

On the good news side, an early MW is now coming up on 20 years with her exit affair partner and they did it with a total of five kids in the mix, one of whom was an toddler when I first met her. I think four were technically minors when they first met, hers were older than his, one adult and one in his late teens. Where there's a will there's a way.

[Birdies]

2 hours ago, carhill said:

On the good news side, an early MW is now coming up on 20 years with her exit affair partner and they did it with a total of five kids in the mix, one of whom was an toddler when I first met her. I think four were technically minors when they first met, hers were older than his, one adult and one in his late teens. Where there's a will there's a way.

We are so thankful kids weren't involved... that can make things so ugly. I'm glad they've found lasting happiness even given the inappropriate start.