I have really messed up

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

With him I was always my real self, As in the way I acted etc

Not suggesting you weren't but did he know you were earning a living by engaging in sex with multiple men?  

No.  That's the jolt to the image he had of you for 11 months.  

You can't undo that.  I'm sorry.

Give him and it time.  Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  

Edited October 2, 2020 by poppyfields

[Mystery4u]

Surprising how much sympathy the OP is getting for basically cheating on her boyfriend for how many months.

I bet if it was the other way round and a man came here saying how he has been sleeping with other women for x months and has now told his girlfriend, everyone would be saying how she deserves better and should break up with him.

[Kirstoski]

5 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Surprising how much sympathy the OP is getting for basically cheating on her boyfriend for how many months.

I bet if it was the other way round and a man came here saying how he has been sleeping with other women for x months and has now told his girlfriend, everyone would be saying how she deserves better and should break up with him.

I'll be honest I don't deserve people giving me sympathy. I'm the first to admit I did wrong and I'm the first to admit I've probably thrown this away

 

[Kirstoski]

I am setting off. Wish me luck!

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Kirstoski said:

I'll be honest I don't deserve people giving me sympathy. I'm the first to admit I did wrong and I'm the first to admit I've probably thrown this away

 

Look, every single one of us who has actually had any relationship experience has had to make the decision what to tell and when to tell it, tell too soon and it's over-sharing...

Good luck tonight!

[Mrin]

13 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

I am setting off. Wish me luck!

Luck!!! Sending good vibes your way!

[Annonymous1234]

I've just caught up with your story, Kristoski. All the best with tonight! 🙂

[balletomane]

2 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Surprising how much sympathy the OP is getting for basically cheating on her boyfriend for how many months.

I bet if it was the other way round and a man came here saying how he has been sleeping with other women for x months and has now told his girlfriend, everyone would be saying how she deserves better and should break up with him.

This isn't true. There are plenty of threads on this forum from women who have cheated and none of them harvested much if any sympathy. The difference is that none of them got kicked out of home while still children with no qualifications and were introduced to escorting as a way to make ends meet. Sex workers don't have feelings for their clients (however much clients might like to believe the opposite). Most cheating involves emotional as well as physical infidelity, and people if anything find that more hurtful.

If a man came on here saying he'd been working in the sex industry from the age of 16 after his parents evicted him and he had no qualifications to get other work, he'd get the same response (and it's hardly been an unqualified compassionate response). In fact, I did see one thread round here from a man who was a stripper and wondering how to explain this in relationships, and no one was giving him flak for it.

Edited October 2, 2020 by balletomane

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, balletomane said:

This isn't true. There are plenty of threads on this forum from women who have cheated and none of them harvested much if any sympathy. The difference is that none of them got kicked out of home while still children with no qualifications and were introduced to escorting as a way to make ends meet.

With respect, I think this is conflating two separate issues.  The first is whether it is acceptable for OP to have engaged as a sex worker, and I think most of us here are in agreement that she did what needed to do (or thought she needed to do) at the time.  The second issue, and the one that relates to the ostensible topic of this thread, is whether she was right to withhold this information from her bf for 11 months, during which time he had no knowledge that she was having sex with multiple other men. Regardless whether sex workers do or don't have feelings for their clients, most people -- men and women -- would feel betrayed in these circumstances.  Not only was OP lying about being exclusive with her bf but she was withholding important information about herself beyond her sexual activity.  From the bf's perspective, it's as though he never knew his gf at all. I can't imagine how he can proceed at this point.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 9/30/2020 at 1:10 PM, Kirstoski said:

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 11 months and I needed to tell him my job. I hear you say "Thats not too bad just do it."

Well, I was escort (I paid all tax as a self employed person and it is legal here in the UK). When I finished school. I had no GCSEs to talk of, my parents threw me out at GCSE results time, I got on a cooking apprenticeship and whilst I was doing that I needed money, a friend introduced me to escorting  and well I started earning good money. Dropped off my cooking course and been doing this for 10 years. The majority of clients were lovely/nice but I met my current boyfriend on a night out. He just knows I'm a personal assistant. I've fallen for him though and he has fallen for me but not knowing the whole truth. I needed to come clean. My mind was going crazy not telling him. 

I have applied to study at the open university to escape this career,  I know my job is my choice, I've previously tried leaving it so many times but with no formal qualifications employers don't want to know. Even a supermarket turned me down! I am job hunting currently too.

I had lunch with him on Monday and I told him. He told me he needs time to think and he will be in touch soon. I've really messed up. I know I misled him. I know I'm a horrible person I tried telling him 6 months ago but backed out because I got scared. 

He did text me saying "Because you've quit working. Are you going to struggle for rent or are you going to be homeless soon? Regardless of what happens between us (don't take this as me deciding anything) I don't want to see you on the streets"

Any help/advice/anything is much appreciated.

 

Reading this alone (and none of the rest - yet!) ...   is IS correct to say that  you "did the right thing" in telling him.

 

Indeed you cannot KNOW how it is going to affect him, but it was the correct move...    and to have waited  "11 months"   is NOT as concerning (other than the obvious and fair physical/STI concerns) as it tends to sound.    For nobody who answers this can envision your having, on that very first evening you met him (in the non-escort world), answered truthfully right then and there:    "well, I've been escorting  for nearly 10 years now, and it's great!"

Also, all that any two people who have sexual intentions really owe one another is  a clean bill of health.

 

Tiz probably true that you are checked for STI's more often than the rest of us, but the friction arises (obviously) because you were effectively {having sex with other people while having sex with him} 

 

I just...  don't know that it is realistic that a woman who meets someone in real life (while an escort by profession)...  can have the guts to say, on that magical "3rd date",  that she is indeed an escort  (while having the talk  prior to 3rd-date activities).

MOST of that is society's fault ...  because of the huge stigma there.

 

(you could have simultaneous ongoing  "3rd dates" in  side-by-side flats  between twin sisters and twin brothers in which ONE twin female is an escort,  and one twin male merely visits escorts...    and the female escort would routinely be scorned to an exponential degree  while the male who visits escorts  would only be seen in mildly greater shady light)

SO that isn't fair...   and of course it drives 98% of escorts who survive it deep underground, to where society never gets any updated statistics  to show that these are women capable of being decent human beings who are entirely capable of future family life and contribution to society in (what are seen as) better  ways.

 

But the bottom line is...    YOU did the right thing in fessing-up... 

and over time, X% of men will run-off completely shocked and unwilling to proceed...   Y% will be able to adjust "... as long as you quit soon..."   and Z% will be OK with the woman continuing as an escort.

(*** at every strip club at 2:30 or 4:30 in the morning there are boyfriends gathered around in separate cars, waiting for their (meal tickets?) to finish their shifts...   and those approximate the small subset of male society who would be comfortable dating a woman whose present occupation is that of an escort)

(***  finally, the degree of  "hot"  a woman is, tends to push and pull these stats slightly in various directions)

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 9/30/2020 at 2:18 PM, schlumpy said:

If your boyfriend came to me for advice and without knowing you, I would tell him to run.

I would tell him to run because your ability to sleep with strangers creates a higher risk that you will cheat on him during a long term relationship. It's not written in stone, but your ability to compartmentalize your actions reminds me of people who claim their affairs have nothing to do with their marriage or SO. They are two different things with one being outside the other. It's a mindset that you have had lots of practice with.

He would be at your mercy.

If he says yes, I hope your finest quality is loyalty.

Good luck

 

The above has minimal correlation with how the female  mind works.

 

Perhaps that would fit the narrative IF this were a gay, male escort who was dating a man in real life.

 

 

[smackie9]

19 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

The above has minimal correlation with how the female  mind works.

 

Perhaps that would fit the narrative IF this were a gay, male escort who was dating a man in real life.

 

 

yes^^^^

She wasn't cheating per say, just not being honest with tragic consequences , .....she was working to survive and a lot of people, especially men don't understand. Women get abused, and taken advantaged of, and get pushed into desperation. The OP was shamed and blocked from opportunities and now this forum has done the same thing. Empathy for her situation is needed IMO, just like many young girls who fall into the trappings of the profession...some kidnapped at 8 or 9 years old for the satisfaction of dirty men, and the greed of men, and some women. She's willing to go forward and change, if people will let her.

Edited October 2, 2020 by smackie9

[SincereOnlineGuy]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe but the goalposts are now moved.
You are no longer some innocent  "pupil" he loved helping, you are now a woman who slept with other men for money when he thought you were exclusive to him.
A woman who deceived him for 11 long months,
A woman who he now maybe thinks has used him to further her own knowledge...

I didn't say anything was a given, but not many will see all that as nothing and will pick up as before. 
Just be careful.

C'mon Elaine,

 

The Pythagorean Theorum is a LOT of things...     but nobody has ever accused another of using them  to learn the Pythagorean Theorum.

 

 

[SumGuy]

On 10/1/2020 at 4:36 AM, Kirstoski said:

It was never unprotected. I was tested every month

Thanks everyone else for your replies. I'm not going to defend what I did. I know what I did is wrong. I have some savings to see me by. So I'm ok at the moment. I'm also looking at doing maths and english courses online.

I know I'm a terrible person I just want to show him I am good.

I wouldn't judge yourself so harshly, no do I agree that because you do sex work that automatically makes you disloyal as a girlfriend, there is a difference between work and personal life.

Also, I suspect there arte men where you being an escort would be a huge turn on, and not a turn off.

Personally though, dating an escort would not be for me, and would be sad and feeling a bit betrayed to find out 11 months later...and very upset if you are still engaged in it while dating me.  Doesn't mean couldn't be understanding or kind, but it would take I don't know what for me to not move on.  Certainly it would take at a minimum no more sex work ever while seeing me.

Good luck though, you sound like a decent person.  It is understandable why you didn't say anything earlier.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

OK, now I've read the whole thread... (and there better be another update/report in a few hours)

 

What is quite noteworthy is that Kirstoski is very well-written  and she has humbled herself considerably here.

There are thousands of young street kids  all over American society who evolve toward doing sex work for money and they are obviously not as well versed in English or The Pythagorean Theorum.

 

Ultimately, what Kirstoski most needs in life is inspiration and motivation to continue her pursuits toward whatever she wishes to be.  In this boyfriend she sees someone who inspires HER toward a better place... and with that inspiration she can cover more ground faster on the path toward getting somewhere.   And she needs to maintain that in the near term just so she remains dedicated to her improving path.

Vast numbers of sex workers long before this point turned to drugs and found rock  bottom in some way far from their own choosing.

Kirstoski's young home life probably evolved to her being no angel to her family, and that family probably was the root of Kirstoski's teen behavior in ways that formed before Kirstoski stopped wearing diapers (LOL - is that "nappies"  or something?).

 

So Kirstoski has already met a challenge that was going from at least some remaining structure in life... to semi-helplessness...   to a point where she manufactured structure for herself...  and she showed responsibility  in dutifully paying taxes...   and she created (from nothing) a routine that at least kept a roof over her head...  and she did well enough to maintain both a residence and a secondary place where she could conduct business.

So Kirstoski has already demonstrated the survival instincts which are most important...   but now she needs this carrot out in front of her, to keep pursuing with genuine interest... in part so that she can finesse herself into the mainstream from where she has been.

 

She just wants to be inspired...   (and if she returns to this thread having broken-up with the boyfriend...   the pain she feels most (even though she might not immediately recognize it)... will be in not having that genuine pursuit  she desires in order to inspire her to better herself...    after it has done reasonably well over 11 months to help her envision a path toward a better life).

 

So I am waiting to learn the next chapter.

 

 

 

Edited October 2, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[schlumpy]

37 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

The above has minimal correlation with how the female  mind works.

 

Perhaps that would fit the narrative IF this were a gay, male escort who was dating a man in real life.

 

 

That's fine SOG. She's free to reject or accept any part of my post. She's not unintelligent and she seems to be able to make up her own mind. I'm not unaware that my answer may only give voice to a small subset of men. I don't have a survey saying how many men would find this acceptable, although I'm sure there are many.

[Kirstoski]

Quick update about last night.

I got to my boyfriends last night, He lets me in asks why I didn't use my key, I said under the circumstances it didn't feel right. He gave me a hug and offered me a drink. I just asked "Are you going to dump me? Because I'll go now if thats the case" He told me again not to worry and we started talking.

He started with that he totally understands why I was a sex worker and he is annoyed at our system that I fell through the cracks?! and part of the week he has been thinking about me having to do it. He then talks about the 11 months, we've been together and how he is upset I never told him and carried on. Thats the big issue in his book, and "tonight to work though that and decide what we both wanted".

He asked me about escorting, such as how many men I slept with (Answered I can't remember),  What did I think of the men who saw me (Truthfully answered they were polite but I thought you are paying to use me), What did they have me do (Truthful) and a poster said he might throw a few jokey questions in. He did. Then we talked about the last 11 months and us. He asked about what I've kept and if I've been been truthful, If I've been the real me. I told him the truth that I have been. He says the whole hiding is the hardest thing for him to get over but he can see I've been straight with him tonight he doesn't want to split and wants to continue, he said some trust had been lost but that will come back and we can rebuild things. 

He then asked me if I've ever been attacked. I hesitated and he said he could see in my eyes I wanted to say something. I admit I cried and told him, he just cuddled me and held me close,  Asked me if I reported it, Asked me if I needed anything and we sat there before we ate. Whilst we ate we talked about my future, What I want to do. I told him. I shown him the courses. He asks about my finances and what my plans are on a job.

I am truthful. He turned round and said if I'm not sorted in two months I can move in with him to save my cash and if I want he can ask at his friends/his work if theres any jobs. 

I ended up staying at his. He slept on the sofa. because he didn't want me to see him as the other men. During the night I admit I went down and joined him on the sofa. 

I still feel rotten, I still feel horrible. I want to see him again. I don't know if I can text him as normal. or if I'm to wait?

[Watercolors]

It sounds like your boyfriend forgave you. What are you thinking, throwing away that opportunity? 
If you play any games with him after this, that’s on you. 
Why aren’t you relieved? He basically forgave you, promised to work on rebuilding his trust in you with you, that he will help you find a job, that you can move in with him in 2 months so you can save money to do your courses and get out of escorting once and for all as a line of work.
Your reaction of suddenly distancing yourself from him confounds me. He did not break up with you, yet you are acting as if he did. Just act normal. There’s no reason not too. He still wants you to be his girlfriend. So, why all the second guessing. I think you should do some counseling. And you should connect with community resources in your city about getting out of the escort business and support for active escorts. If you want to turn your life around, you have your boyfriend’s support to do that, which is what you wanted. If you want to text him or call him, whenever, just do that. You are still his girlfriend, so that has not changed. 

Edited October 3, 2020 by Watercolors

[Kirstoski]

Just now, Watercolors said:

It sounds like your boyfriend forgave you. What are you thinking, throwing away that opportunity? 
If you play any games with him after this, that’s on you. 
Why aren’t you relieved? He basically forgave you, promised to work on rebuilding his trust in you with you, that he will help you find a job, that you can move in with him in 2 months so you can save money to do your courses and get out of escorting once and for all as a line of work.
Your reaction of suddenly distancing yourself from him confounds me. He did not break up with you, yet you are acting as if he did. 
Why are you rejecting him all of the sudden, when he basically told you he forgives you for lying to him and invited you to live with him and told you he still wants to be in a relationship with you. I really don’t understand why you are rejecting him now. 

I'm not rejecting him. I just want to have things as normal. He's such a nice guy and I'm not throwing the opportunity away. 

I'm really happy he has said all this a poster above has said he could be after something. I just want to go round like I normally would. But after everything thats happened is that something I can start doing again? Because I practically was always at his and I want to do that again but not sure if I need to build his trust again on that front.

I'm going to text him and ask.

[Watercolors]

Just now, Kirstoski said:

I'm not rejecting him. I just want to have things as normal. He's such a nice guy and I'm not throwing the opportunity away. 

I'm really happy he has said all this a poster above has said he could be after something. I just want to go round like I normally would. But after everything thats happened is that something I can start doing again? Because I practically was always at his and I want to do that again but not sure if I need to build his trust again on that front.

I'm going to text him and ask.

I think you need to see a therapist. I think that will help you rebuild your self esteem. You have low self esteem and that will distort how you see reality right now. If your boyfriend accepts you and supports you, what more can you ask of him. Do not bombard him with requests for validating you all the time. No one can validate you. You have to validate yourself. If you don’t know how to do that, a therapist can help you. But you will drive your boyfriend away, if you are so insecure that you need to ask him to tell you how you are supposed to feel about yourself all the time. That’s putting your boyfriend in a parental role, so to speak. Do not do that. You are an adult. If you want to feel better about yourself, about your past and your present and your future goals, that is your responsibility not your boyfriend’s. A therapist can help you by teaching you how to rebuild your self esteem. Don’t put that burden on your boyfriend though. Just don’t. It’s not his job to rebuild your self-esteem. That’s your job. I’m happy that he’s accepted you and is willing to support you in this next phase of your journey out of escorting, so that you can find a regular job and take online courses and change your life’s direction. Just don’t burden your boyfriend with constantly needing validation. That will drive him away if you do that. 

[Ellener]

43 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

I still feel rotten, I still feel horrible. I want to see him again. I don't know if I can text him as normal. or if I'm to wait?

Sweetie that's what you need to work on. It's new to you, being accepted and loved.

A part of you closed down with your parents' rejection and lack of support, then all the years of sex work, now it's opening up again and it feels vulnerable and both wonderful and scary.

3 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

a poster above has said he could be after something.

I think sometimes people give advice ( which is more about themselves ) instead of encouragement!

You already proved how capable you can be and strong, and you already met someone who makes you happy- whether that's for now or for always you can't know that, nobody can- just move forward and be kind to yourself and to him and to people around you. Enjoy the moment.

Your life is waiting for you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Kirstoski]

39 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I think you need to see a therapist. I think that will help you rebuild your self esteem. You have low self esteem and that will distort how you see reality right now. If your boyfriend accepts you and supports you, what more can you ask of him. Do not bombard him with requests for validating you all the time. No one can validate you. You have to validate yourself. If you don’t know how to do that, a therapist can help you. But you will drive your boyfriend away, if you are so insecure that you need to ask him to tell you how you are supposed to feel about yourself all the time. That’s putting your boyfriend in a parental role, so to speak. Do not do that. You are an adult. If you want to feel better about yourself, about your past and your present and your future goals, that is your responsibility not your boyfriend’s. A therapist can help you by teaching you how to rebuild your self esteem. Don’t put that burden on your boyfriend though. Just don’t. It’s not his job to rebuild your self-esteem. That’s your job. I’m happy that he’s accepted you and is willing to support you in this next phase of your journey out of escorting, so that you can find a regular job and take online courses and change your life’s direction. Just don’t burden your boyfriend with constantly needing validation. That will drive him away if you do that. 

I've text him asking him if he wants to do something. He replied fairly quickly that he is testing his underfloor heating again (I LOVE it, it makes my feet so toasty) and has snacks. He said he will be testing it from around 1pm. So Guess I'm going round

As for therapy. I've always said I will be seeing a councillor. I'm not denying the fact I need to see one.

 

33 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Sweetie that's what you need to work on. It's new to you, being accepted and loved.

A part of you closed down with your parents' rejection and lack of support, then all the years of sex work, now it's opening up again and it feels vulnerable and both wonderful and scary.

I think sometimes people give advice ( which is more about themselves ) instead of encouragement!

You already proved how capable you can be and strong, and you already met someone who makes you happy- whether that's for now or for always you can't know that, nobody can- just move forward and be kind to yourself and to him and to people around you. Enjoy the moment.

Your life is waiting for you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you. I'm going to grab this opportunity with both hands!  

Have to admit. I am so excited to see him this afternoon and be all cosy in his house with him.

Edited October 3, 2020 by Kirstoski

[Watercolors]

47 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Sweetie that's what you need to work on. It's new to you, being accepted and loved.

A part of you closed down with your parents' rejection and lack of support, then all the years of sex work, now it's opening up again and it feels vulnerable and both wonderful and scary.

58 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

Ellener said it more clearly then I could. I agree with her observation that you are second guessing yourself with your boyfriend because of how emotionally vulnerable you feel after your own parents’ rejection and lack of support. Yet here you have a boyfriend of a year, who accepts you for who you are, and supports your endeavors and your goals to get out of escorting and redefine yourself as you have the right to do. 

You don’t need to second guess yourself. Just be careful that you don’t put your boyfriend in the role of validator. Like, constantly telling him how insecure you feel, is actually a way for you to indirectly ask him to validate you. Constantly asking your boyfriend to reassure you that he won’t reject you, that he accepts you will definitely backfire on you. That is the only reason I suggested you see a therapist, who can help you rebuild your self esteem so that you don’t put that burden on your boyfriend, as his responsibility to rebuild your self-esteem. I know you said you have intended to see a therapist this whole thread and I hope that you do. Again, I am happy that your conversation with your boyfriend worked out for you. 

[Acacia98]

33 minutes ago, Kirstoski said:

Have to admit. I am so excited to see him this afternoon and be all cosy in his house with him.

I'm happy for you. 🙂

[Kirstoski]

I am so happy. I don't care what anyone says I can't wait to have my feet all cosy on his floor. Us watching bad films and just cuddles. I don't care what people say. I love it

 

I'm going to ask him to explain some courses to me.