Watercolors Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 Just now, Kirstoski said: Wow so many positive and negative comments. I'll respond when I have more time. Thank you. He ran me a bath earlier and theres nothing that beats a bubble bath, getting out to a warm toasty house to a big thick dressing down coming downstairs and just watching a film. Not expected to do anything except pick a film. If you are in the UK with the choice of Sky/Netflix you'll know how hard that is. Not out of my predicament yet but this feels good! I'm so glad that you two are still together. You were so nervous and overthought how the conversation might go. Now you two can work on building a future together without anymore secrets. And, you have a very supportive boyfriend who is happy to help you transform your life which is really great. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, SumGuy said: Sure it hurts him that you didn't tell him It's a difficult one, what to tell and when. There's plenty in my life if I blurted it out in a new relationship it would scare the cr*p out of someone! People can have such labels and stereotypes and intrusive attitudes...😳 I'm beyond embarrassment nowadays but people can be rude and insensitive, and trash boundaries. I've done it myself, oblivious usually rather than malicious. @SumGuy mentions Hygge, the Danish reference to coziness and everyday comfort, but I am reminded also of their exclamation Pyt: oh well...in dismissive response to frustrations or mistakes when there's not to be much to be done except move on! ( it's pronounced like 'pute'...bit like our pffft now I think about it! ) Enjoy yourself @Kirstoski Edited October 3, 2020 by Ellener paragraph Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 1 minute ago, Ellener said: People can have such labels and stereotypes and intrusive attitudes. This is true and the unfortunate part is: we can't control the way others will react/respond to the information we choose to share with them, regardless of the timing. Whether we share that information early on, or later on, the person will react the way they do, based on their own cognitive bias and belief and value system. All the worrying, planning, strategizing, bargaining, compromising (that we do with ourselves in our minds even before we decide to share vulnerable information about us with another person), can't predict (or protect us) from the outcome, of the person's reaction. I have alway believed that the best way to test the loyalty of someone is to be vulnerable with them about yourself. If they blame you for their uncomfortable feelings, they are not a true friend. If they criticize you for your past mistakes instead of empathize with you, they are not a true friend. If they use the information you share with them against you in the form of gossip amongst your social circle, they are not a true friend. Fake friends are like shadows; they follow you in the sun, but leave you in the dark. This can also be applied to romantic relationships. Fortunately, the OP's boyfriend response of first feeling betrayed is normal. He didn't blame her for her choice of going into escorting. Instead, he showed the OP that he is truly invested in the relationship with her, by genuinely showing empathy about her situation, encouraging her to continue to be herself with him, supporting her goals of online courses and finding a regular part-time or full-time job, and promising the OP that he will be there to help her along her transformative journey. Only someone with a solid character would respond that way. The OP is very lucky to have found such a genuine guy like her boyfriend. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) WC, you often receive quite a bit of flack on this forum for being too harsh, unsympathetic, etc. so wanted to chime in to say the empathy, kindness and understanding you've displayed on this thread is refreshing and truly nice to see! 👍 Was nearly in tears reading your last post! I agree with everything you said too. 😂 Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kirstoski Posted October 3, 2020 Author Share Posted October 3, 2020 So I am staying at my boyfriends again tonight. He said he will sleep on the sofa again so I don't think He is after something Is it wrong of me to just ask him to join me in bed to cuddle up? Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Kirstoski said: So I am staying at my boyfriends again tonight. He said he will sleep on the sofa again so I don't think He is after something Is it wrong of me to just ask him to join me in bed to cuddle up? You know what to do. You can't control the outcome of any choice that you make. Whether you invite him to bed to sleep/have sex with you tonight, or he sleeps on the couch (which is his attempt to show you that he doesn't want you thinking he thinks only of you as an escort -- he doesn't think that about you at all). I think you are better off making your own decision. We're not there so anything we tell you is based on our own opinion. Again, just do what you feel comfortable doing. No need to ask us to make your decisions for you. Because if a poster tells you "do this" and you do it and it backfires, you will blame that poster as being responsible for your choice. But its your choice. No one else's. Edited October 3, 2020 by Watercolors Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 I think you need to do some research into how people who have been cheated on, feel and react. Quote A partner’s infidelity can have severe impacts. One study reports that being cheated on may negatively affect physical and mental health. Someone whose partner had an affair may experience: Anxiety Depression Increased distress Low confidence and self-esteem Self-blame or shame Rage Posttraumatic stress (PTSD) Poor performance at work People who are cheated on may also be more likely to engage in high-risk behaviors. These behaviors could include having unprotected sex or sex under the influence of drugs. Increased drug or alcohol use may be another one of these behaviors. Overeating, undereating, and over-exercising could also be more likely during this time. He may want to sleep on the couch as he doesn't want to have sex with you, he may not even want to touch you.PTSD may sound a bit drastic but PTSD type symptoms are very common in those who have been cheated on, it is the shock, and it can take a long time to recover... Triggers and mind movies are very common too. Try not to rug sweep and assume everything will be back to normal asap. It doesn't tend to work like that. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 All you can do is state what your preferences area, OP. Tell him you are comfortable sleeping together, but be aware he might not be. Sleeping on the sofa might actually be his way of taking some space from intimacy right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Sleeping on the sofa might actually be his way of taking some space from intimacy right now. I think so too. It doesn't have to mean anything disastrous like he's repelled by you, he simply needs some space to let this all marinate and determine where if anywhere he'd like this to go. Which is perfectly understandable. If me, I'd not push the sleeping in same bed issue, allow him the space he needs. When/if he's ready to join you, he will let you know. Just me, as WC said, you do YOU. Good luck and keep us posted. xo Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) I just needed to say this. I'm not quite sure why some posters seem so intent on bringing the OP down. It seems rather cruel. She has already stated how wrong it was to withhold the information from her bf, she feels terribly guilty and remorseful. Why add to that by suggesting her boyfriend has no self-respect and/or may not want to even touch her which seems particularly harsh imo. I realize everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when you see the original poster already beating herself up, why add to the beating? Sorry just not understanding that, don't mind me, carry on. Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields 3 Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 5 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I realize everyone is entitled to their opinion, but when you see the original poster already beating herself up, why add to the beating? The impression I'm getting is that it's motivated by a strong dislike of sex work and a wish (maybe not conscious) for the OP to be punished for acting in a way they frown on. It does come across to me as though some people are hoping for her boyfriend to dump her or for her to have problems getting a job outside the sex industry, and when they're disappointed in those hopes, they try to highlight other things for her to worry and be miserable about. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 He may not want to touch her as that is how it can work after a cheating event. The betrayed partner may not feel like getting close to the person who betrayed them. Infidelity is a big deal to many. They cannot just pick everything up as they left off, as if nothing had happened. The bf seems be be accepting at the moment but that doesn't necessarily mean he is not going to go through a whole gambit of emotions, before he truly accepts the reality of the situation. He is no doubt desperate to keep her, to get everything back to "normal", that will likely not last. The OP needs to be prepared for anything... 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, balletomane said: The impression I'm getting is that it's motivated by a strong dislike of sex work and a wish (maybe not conscious) for the OP to be punished for acting in a way they frown on. It does come across to me as though some people are hoping for her boyfriend to dump her or for her to have problems getting a job outside the sex industry, and when they're disappointed in those hopes, they try to highlight other things for her to worry and be miserable about. Not to belabor the issue, but it appears to come from a place of wanting to hurt the OP and I wasn't sure why. Perhaps you're right. I could be wrong, hope I am, but it's how it appears to an outside observer reading imo. Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, elaine567 said: He may not want to touch her as that is how it can work after a cheating event. The betrayed partner may not feel like getting close to the person who betrayed them. Infidelity is a big deal to many. They cannot just pick everything up as they left off, as if nothing had happened. The bf seems be be accepting at the moment but that doesn't necessarily mean he is not going to go through a whole gambit of emotions, before he truly accepts the reality of the situation. He is no doubt desperate to keep her, to get everything back to "normal", that will likely not last. The OP needs to be prepared for anything... This^ I'm inclined to agree with, it's worded a bit differently from your first. More from a place of simply warning or preparing the OP for what she's up against versus wanting to hurt her. Thnx for clarifying elaine. Edited October 3, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 I had no intention of hurting her, but she does need to be aware and not assume all is now hunky dory. It may be, maybe the BF can compartmentalise so well it is water off a duck's back to him, but that is not a common reaction. The sleeping on the couch betrays his deeper emotions I guess. He wants to stick around, but he is still understandably struggling. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 3 hours ago, Kirstoski said: So I am staying at my boyfriends again tonight. He said he will sleep on the sofa again so I don't think He is after something Is it wrong of me to just ask him to join me in bed to cuddle up? Just an idea for you to ponder: if I was in your boyfriend shoes I might want to "re-woo you" as way of hitting the reset button. I'm not sure why but I kinda feel like I would want to do that. Best of luck! mrin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 On 10/1/2020 at 4:36 AM, Kirstoski said: It was never unprotected. I was tested every month Thanks everyone else for your replies. I'm not going to defend what I did. I know what I did is wrong. I have some savings to see me by. So I'm ok at the moment. I'm also looking at doing maths and english courses online. I know I'm a terrible person I just want to show him I am good. The only thing you did wrong was not being upfront with your boyfriend sooner. It is hard for most men to over look something like this. Shame on your parents for kicking you out. Best wishes and hope you find a good job soon. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 20 hours ago, Kirstoski said: Quick update about last night. I got to my boyfriends last night, He lets me in asks why I didn't use my key, I said under the circumstances it didn't feel right. He gave me a hug and offered me a drink. I just asked "Are you going to dump me? Because I'll go now if thats the case" He told me again not to worry and we started talking. He started with that he totally understands why I was a sex worker and he is annoyed at our system that I fell through the cracks?! and part of the week he has been thinking about me having to do it. He then talks about the 11 months, we've been together and how he is upset I never told him and carried on. Thats the big issue in his book, and "tonight to work though that and decide what we both wanted". He asked me about escorting, such as how many men I slept with (Answered I can't remember), What did I think of the men who saw me (Truthfully answered they were polite but I thought you are paying to use me), What did they have me do (Truthful) and a poster said he might throw a few jokey questions in. He did. Then we talked about the last 11 months and us. He asked about what I've kept and if I've been been truthful, If I've been the real me. I told him the truth that I have been. He says the whole hiding is the hardest thing for him to get over but he can see I've been straight with him tonight he doesn't want to split and wants to continue, he said some trust had been lost but that will come back and we can rebuild things. He then asked me if I've ever been attacked. I hesitated and he said he could see in my eyes I wanted to say something. I admit I cried and told him, he just cuddled me and held me close, Asked me if I reported it, Asked me if I needed anything and we sat there before we ate. Whilst we ate we talked about my future, What I want to do. I told him. I shown him the courses. He asks about my finances and what my plans are on a job. I am truthful. He turned round and said if I'm not sorted in two months I can move in with him to save my cash and if I want he can ask at his friends/his work if theres any jobs. I ended up staying at his. He slept on the sofa. because he didn't want me to see him as the other men. During the night I admit I went down and joined him on the sofa. I still feel rotten, I still feel horrible. I want to see him again. I don't know if I can text him as normal. or if I'm to wait? At some point, you owe it to BOTH of you... to stand up... stand CONFIDENTLY, and BE yourself. For a lot of people, that is an especially challenging thing to do... but in so many cases it is singularly the best remedy. Once you've come to the point where you have had a heart-to-heart, soul-baring conversation with a lover, you ONLY need to stand in front of them and BE that person. (if suddenly THEY can no longer handle whatever that person is... then it's on THEM, and NOT on you) (BUT you owe them the image OF somebody who doesn't need to apologize for herself... and who blossoms and thrives just a little bit more with each shared-together step toward the future) Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 14 hours ago, Mystery4u said: Years ago when I was newly single I wanted to just have some physical fun with no drama and went to see an escort. ROFL It's OK for Mystery4u to go and 'see' an escort, but not OK for anyone to BE the escort that he sees... classic "logic" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kirstoski Posted October 4, 2020 Author Share Posted October 4, 2020 Thanks everyone for their input. So much to reply to! My boyfriend was opting for the sofa last night. I asked him why. He said at the moment it would be better. I asked him why. He explained that He doesn't want me thinking that I am like every other man who just used me, he wants to show me that he is not like every other man. I told him he is nothing like them. He treats me like a princess and lets me be me. That we can just cuddle in bed, I know he doesn't expect me to always have sex, and cuddling up is the best. He mentioned my attack and how he feels useless that I didn't tell him and let him help me. He said he understands how I feel and he isn't trying to take that away (The attack was more than physical. if you catch what I am saying) he just wanted to be there for me. We talked a bit more about it and he said tomorrow I need to ring the doctor and get booked in for counselling, If the doctor is unable to get it quickly for me, he has private health insurance that I am on from his work and will claim off that. He made me realise I might not be coping with that aspect too well (but hiding it). We spoke about how he felt and we went in to detail about how he felt. I understand a lot more how he feels. and we did spend the night just cuddling. This morning I went out. He text me asking where I was. I said I was getting us breakfast and he was to stay in bed. He said I didn't need to and he should be looking after me, We actually said to each other we love each other last night 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 2 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: ROFL It's OK for Mystery4u to go and 'see' an escort, but not OK for anyone to BE the escort that he sees... classic "logic" Oh, but it's different because after receiving the "physical fun" he paid for, he redeemed himself by getting the girl out of the industry, like a true white knight... Anyway, whatever someone thinks about sex work, it has always had an important function in the society - providing a possibility for all the men who can't get sex (or enough of it) to have their release. It's a much better option than you know, putting something in girls' drinks and raping them. Sex workers should be legal, safe and regulated. It is sad that the OP was told being beaten up is a part of her job. It shouldn't be like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kirstoski Posted October 4, 2020 Author Share Posted October 4, 2020 2 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said: ROFL It's OK for Mystery4u to go and 'see' an escort, but not OK for anyone to BE the escort that he sees... classic "logic" A lot of clients had this mentality. It was ok they were paying to use me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kirstoski Posted October 4, 2020 Author Share Posted October 4, 2020 13 minutes ago, Lorenza said: Oh, but it's different because after receiving the "physical fun" he paid for, he redeemed himself by getting the girl out of the industry, like a true white knight... Anyway, whatever someone thinks about sex work, it has always had an important function in the society - providing a possibility for all the men who can't get sex (or enough of it) to have their release. It's a much better option than you know, putting something in girls' drinks and raping them. Sex workers should be legal, safe and regulated. It is sad that the OP was told being beaten up is a part of her job. It shouldn't be like that. It is sadly. I had one officer years ago tell me that "as a tom <I> deserve everything that happens to me, the police don't have time to investigates against toms" Attitudes in the police have changed. Some outreach programmes are terrible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
balletomane Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 22 minutes ago, Lorenza said: Oh, but it's different because after receiving the "physical fun" he paid for, he redeemed himself by getting the girl out of the industry, like a true white knight... Anyway, whatever someone thinks about sex work, it has always had an important function in the society - providing a possibility for all the men who can't get sex (or enough of it) to have their release. It's a much better option than you know, putting something in girls' drinks and raping them. Sex workers should be legal, safe and regulated. It is sad that the OP was told being beaten up is a part of her job. It shouldn't be like that. Men who use sex workers have a vested interest in believing that a.) almost all women are there voluntarily and b.) if they truly wanted to get out they could easily find other work. Their easy physical "fun" would be spoiled if they had to face facts. I wouldn't agree that sex work is an antidote for rape, though, because sex workers themselves get raped all the time and their existence doesn't stop other women from being attacked. No women should ever be seen as a buffer zone to prevent rape, and rape itself shouldn't be seen as a means of sexual release. Masturbation is release. Forcing yourself on someone else is about power. There are men who haven't had sex in months or years who wouldn't dream of raping anyone, and married men/men in long-term relationships who are rapists. The only justification for the sex industry isn't to stop potential violent criminals, but to support women who have no other way to live. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Annonymous1234 Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Kirstoski said: Thanks everyone for their input. So much to reply to! My boyfriend was opting for the sofa last night. I asked him why. He said at the moment it would be better. I asked him why. He explained that He doesn't want me thinking that I am like every other man who just used me, he wants to show me that he is not like every other man. I told him he is nothing like them. He treats me like a princess and lets me be me. That we can just cuddle in bed, I know he doesn't expect me to always have sex, and cuddling up is the best. He mentioned my attack and how he feels useless that I didn't tell him and let him help me. He said he understands how I feel and he isn't trying to take that away (The attack was more than physical. if you catch what I am saying) he just wanted to be there for me. We talked a bit more about it and he said tomorrow I need to ring the doctor and get booked in for counselling, If the doctor is unable to get it quickly for me, he has private health insurance that I am on from his work and will claim off that. He made me realise I might not be coping with that aspect too well (but hiding it). We spoke about how he felt and we went in to detail about how he felt. I understand a lot more how he feels. and we did spend the night just cuddling. This morning I went out. He text me asking where I was. I said I was getting us breakfast and he was to stay in bed. He said I didn't need to and he should be looking after me, We actually said to each other we love each other last night 🥰❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts