Quokka Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 There’s this girl and she is 21 and I am 24 and I’ve talked to her on and off over the past couple of years and when we first started talking we were both in very different places in life. She was in another state attending Uni and I was still in her hometown working. We went to high school together but didn’t talk much because she was a freshman and I was a senior at that time. Also I was in an on and off again relationship and she was just dating around while she was there but occasionally we would chat and ring each other up and just check on each other and shoot the s*** about our days. Eventually, I developed feelings for her and she admitted to liking me too but, with our situations we decided that a long distance relationship wasn’t in our best interests at that time so we dropped it. We still continued to talk until she suddenly stopped and a few weeks go by and I noticed she had gotten herself a boyfriend. I wasn’t jealous, I mean kinda, he was gorgeous and I’m a straight man but he looked straight out of a teen drama series on Netflix. Over the years, I dated other women and did my own thing as she was less involved in my life and was even moving on as I assumed she was going to get married to this guy. (Her social media portrayed them as perfect) but I still had always carried the “what if” thought in my mind about her. Fast forward to a couple days ago and I get a text from her wishing me happy Birthday. I replied thank you and ask how she had been and after some chit chat she revealed that she was now single and back in town. We discuss a little more and she’s being completely transparent with me and telling me everything, feeding my curiosity. I eventually asked her if she would like to get together sometime. And she said “yes just let me know when” and followed that with “I’m sure I don’t have to tel you this but I’m not really looking for dating or anything like that right now.” Now, I pondered on that message for awhile and thought of all the ways I could approach it because in my experience that usually means a soft rejection. So, I basically told her that I had feelings for her and just wanted to lay that on the table and be honest. She told me that she thinks I’m cute and does like me but doesn’t pursue me because my beliefs are different than hers. I’m politically left wing and she is more center right but the problem is, I’m very vocal on my social media platforms about this and have been for awhile and I know she doesn’t like my politics which I don’t mind. So, I asked her to challenge me and tell me what she thought didn’t align with her beliefs. She thought that I was anti-religion which she said was the main one. I am in no way a spiritual person but I’m not anti religious and I believe religion to be a good thing and I hold Jesus and his teachings in high regards. She said she didn’t know that and said it helped my chances with her for reconsideration. She also said to let her think about it and we can discuss it another time. She did reiterate that she and her boyfriend of 2 years had broken up just 2 weeks ago so she really isn’t looking and she said she’s scared to be hurt again. But to let her think about it. And I said sure thing and told her goodnight and all of that good stuff. Now it’s been around 3 days and I haven’t heard anything from her and I feel like I might’ve just pressured her too hard or maybe made her feel like she had to go on a date with me to even talk to me or hangout with me so I’m feeling like I messed the whole thing up. Is there anyway to fix this or is there even any potential here based on what I’ve told you? Thanks in advance Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 6 minutes ago, Quokka said: I’m sure I don’t have to tel you this but I’m not really looking for dating or anything like that right now.” 7 minutes ago, Quokka said: She did reiterate that she and her boyfriend of 2 years had broken up just 2 weeks ago so she really isn’t looking and she said she’s scared to be hurt again. Assume it's just a friendship. I know she just ended her relationship, but if she had any interest at all she wouldn't go out of her way to make clear that it's not a date 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Quokka Posted September 30, 2020 Author Share Posted September 30, 2020 4 minutes ago, Erik30 said: Assume it's just a friendship. I know she just ended her relationship, but if she had any interest at all she wouldn't go out of her way to make clear that it's not a date So all of the other added filler about letting her think about it and admitting to thinking I'm cute and liking me is just her softening the blow? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 2 hours ago, Quokka said: followed that with “I’m sure I don’t have to tel you this but I’m not really looking for dating or anything like that right now.” Now, I pondered on that message for awhile and thought of all the ways I could approach it because in my experience that usually means a soft rejection. It's "usually" a soft rejection? No, it IS a rejection. She told you she's not looking for dating right now. No one ever says that when they're interested. She's not interested..... just accept it. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 Yes you messed up. Instead of messaging her about your feelings etc, you should have waited to at least meet up and go out with her. You could have assessed the situation a lot better and see how she responds to your flirting. You could have taken her mind off relationships and just want to have fun - which is most likely all she would want anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Quokka Posted October 1, 2020 Author Share Posted October 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Mystery4u said: Yes you messed up. Instead of messaging her about your feelings etc, you should have waited to at least meet up and go out with her. You could have assessed the situation a lot better and see how she responds to your flirting. You could have taken her mind off relationships and just want to have fun - which is most likely all she would want anyway. Is there anyway to fix that? Link to post Share on other sites
Be Cool Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 If she didn't say yes and also didn't say no, the answer is always NO. You messed this up big time by "confessing your feelings" with her. And to make it worse, you did this via text messages. "How to fix this", you ask? Leave her alone. Stop all communication with her. And start dating other women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 7 hours ago, Mystery4u said: Yes you messed up. Instead of messaging her about your feelings etc, you should have waited to at least meet up and go out with her. You could have assessed the situation a lot better and see how she responds to your flirting. You could have taken her mind off relationships and just want to have fun - which is most likely all she would want anyway. This. You can either be the friend who's a shoulder to cry on, the one who she opens up to... or you're the guy she has sex with to get over her ex. Right now it seems like you're the first 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 View her as an old classmate, nothing more. In dating anything but a "yes"...is a "no". She's already told you she doesn't want to date, so pull back on the chitchat. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 You didn't mess anything up. She's only 2 weeks out of a 2 year relationship. She is no where near ready to date. If you have a group of people you do stuff with, especially if she knows some of them too, next time you are getting together, Covid permitting, let her know what's going on: a bunch of us are going to {place} to do {thing} pop by if you like. See if she shows up to that no pressure hang out. Give it a few months before you ask her on a date. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 12 hours ago, Quokka said: She did reiterate that she and her boyfriend of 2 years had broken up just 2 weeks ago so she really isn’t looking and she said she’s scared to be hurt again. But to let her think about it. And I said sure thing and told her goodnight and all of that good stuff. When I read that I thought it would be weeks/months for her to get back to you. 12 hours ago, Quokka said: Now it’s been around 3 days and I haven’t heard anything from her But you have obviously assumed the answer was imminent... Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) She's told you "no" at least 3 different ways but you can't get it through your thick head. Edited October 1, 2020 by Fletch Lives 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 She's not interested in you. Go meet women who are interested in you. They'll be very clear about their interest in you. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) JMO but it sounds like you're "old friend" material, not "new BF" material (to her) at least for the moment. AND as pointed out above she's not over the break up. Since you don't have an issue finding new GFs she is just an old friend to you as well (like it or not). Act accordingly. Edited October 1, 2020 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Azincourt Posted October 1, 2020 Share Posted October 1, 2020 (edited) Dunno, there are women who hook-up with their friends. But for that to happen the woman has to be single, hasn't been with a guy for awhile, and she always found the guy to be attractive in the first place but they never got together either because one or two of them was already in a relationship at the time, or it just didn't happen. Of course feelings can also develop over time and a female friend might randomly discover in herself romantic feelings for you, but ehhh, you'll have better luck finding water in the Sahara desert than in getting the former happen. I'll never figure out why guys stick around when it's plain to see to everyone their friend is not attracted to them. You see someone you find to be attractive? You go up and you say, ' How you doin'? Does she respond positvely? Sweet. Start talking perfumed BS, and then see where to go from there. You develop feelings for a friend? Stop hanging out and interacting with her until those feelings die out. Don't end up as the guy who listens to a woman complain about the guys she sleeps with. You have no issue finding a girlfriend, so why stick around? It's not like the world isn't populated with billions of women, eh? Edited October 1, 2020 by Azincourt Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 (edited) She rejected you both times buddy. She used the distance thing to get out of it the first time. She was softening the blow with "I like you too, yer cute" . She already had the excuses all lined up in her back pocket. You are friends zoned...there's no fixing that. Edited October 3, 2020 by smackie9 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 On 10/1/2020 at 1:50 AM, Quokka said: So all of the other added filler about letting her think about it and admitting to thinking I'm cute and liking me is just her softening the blow? Yes, exactly. She likes your attention but she's not into you that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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