Telling children about an affair

[EPC82]

There was a thread in this forum regarding a woman's affair. Some people said that she should tell her children. 

I strongly disagree. There is nothing about my sex life that involves my children. Whether its sex between their father and myself or extramarital sex. Conversely, when my children one day have sex lives of thier own that will none of my business either.

Tell me, how would children benefit from knowing this information? 

[elaine567]

In that instance the families were entwined socially, with daily or almost daily contact. The kids were all good friends.
Suddenly after Dday all that stopped abruptly.
I think some thought, some explanation was necessary, in case one or more of the kids started blaming themselves for the sudden split.

[DKT3]

Because children are small not stupid. 

When your sexlife puts their way of life at risk.

 

[pepperbird2]

I didn't have an affair, but my spouse did.
I've always tried to teach them to be honest, and it really bothers me that I lied to them. They kids of asked about it, and I lied. It turned out, they already knew because they had overheard some neighbourhood gossip. We finally ended up sitting them down and going through what had happened in an age appropriate way. they could ask questions and my husband let them know how sorry he was and that he would try to make up for his bad choices.
While that scenario was less than ideal, sometimes one has little choice. You have to make the best of a bad situation. We tried to use it as a lesson in taking responsibility.

[EPC82]

Clearly children aren't stupid but they are children with child like views of the world. 

How do you think telling them is protecting their way of life? 

[BaileyB]

Your sex life should be none of your children’s business. 

But, when your sex life affects their lives - they have lost relationship with friends, their family is breaking up because their parents are getting a divorce - you have lost the right to say “it’s my life, it’s none of their business.” Children still should never know the intimate details of your sex life, but they should understand that the trauma they are experiencing is not their fault. The situation should be explained in an age appropriate way, such that they understand why their lives are changed forever. 

When I was younger, my best friend moved away when her parents divorced. I never understood why, there was such secrecy, so much pain, so much anger between her parents. It scared me. As an adult, my mom finally told me that the reason for the divorce was that her mother had an affair with another friend’s father. Suddenly, it all made sense... why they moved, why my friend would never talk about her life prior to the divorce, why there was so much animosity between her parents. I was always left wondering. We have never talked about it. And, while she maintains a distant relationship with both parents, their family is broken - even years later. 
 

ETA, we were ten years old when her parents divorced and she moved away. We are still good friends today, many, many years later...

Edited October 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

How do you think telling them is protecting their way of life? 

Who has ever said that?

Usually at this stage of the game, life as they know it is effectively over...

Edited October 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

8 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

Clearly children aren't stupid but they are children with child like views of the world. 

How do you think telling them is protecting their way of life? 

Because children are not stupid they usually know far more then parents think. 

The danger is they grow and put together a story that is based on thier limited knowledge and filling in the blanks. 

Affairs damage relationships between parents and children. 

 

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

How do you think telling them is protecting their way of life? 

If done well, in a reassuring and age appropriate way, telling the children the truth should allow them to move forward without worrying and wondering what is happening between their parents, why their family is potentially breaking up, and without the burden of feeling like it is all somehow their fault... Is that not actually protecting their way of life? 

Edited October 1, 2020 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EPC82 said:

How do you think telling them is protecting their way of life? 

No, kids should not be dragged into divorce and sordid details. Is your ex husband doing this to them out of revenge for the cheating?

[Azincourt]

1 hour ago, EPC82 said:

There was a thread in this forum regarding a woman's affair. Some people said that she should tell her children. 

I strongly disagree. There is nothing about my sex life that involves my children. Whether its sex between their father and myself or extramarital sex. Conversely, when my children one day have sex lives of thier own that will none of my business either.

Tell me, how would children benefit from knowing this information? 

 

Children will benefit from first hand experience. They won't try to make monogamy work when it doesn't work for so many, so many people, because their parents would have told them that it's folly to expect someone to be married to someone for an entire life, or to sleep with only that same woman until he died.

[Prudence V]

2 hours ago, EPC82 said:

Tell me, how would children benefit from knowing this information? 

Before my H dumped his xW, he had an age-appropriate discussion with his, explaining that he’d fallen in love with someone else (me) and they had a good discussion about it. His BW of course hit the roof because she wanted to control the narrative and paint H as evil and someone who didn’t love his kids, so she was blindsided when they supported him during the D and chose to live with him. 
 

They’re adults now and one thing they were grateful for was being allowed some agency, being told what was going on and why, and being asked their input and feeling heard. 

[vla1120]

4 hours ago, EPC82 said:

There was a thread in this forum regarding a woman's affair. Some people said that she should tell her children. 

I strongly disagree. There is nothing about my sex life that involves my children. Whether its sex between their father and myself or extramarital sex. Conversely, when my children one day have sex lives of thier own that will none of my business either.

Tell me, how would children benefit from knowing this information? 

I highly doubt anyone recommended passing on the intimate details about a sexual affair. When my middle child was 5 years old and I was pregnant with my youngest, I came home from work one evening and she was waiting for me at the door. She ran out to my car and said "Mommy, don't tell daddy I told you, but I saw him and Joyce (our neighbors and my best friend) kissing through her window." I told her "That's okay. They were probably kissing hello or goodbye, like we sometimes do when we see friends."  She said "No. They were kissing like they were in love, like in the movies." 

Clearly, in that instance, once I found out he was having an affair with my best friend and our neighbor, and his transgression was witnessed by his own daughter, there was a need for a talk with our kids about the "affair." 

[ShiningMoon]

I'll speak about this from a child's perspective since I once was on the other end. 

A parent's role is to protect their children. By disclosing such private information, you are involving your child into more than they can actually handle. Whatever the reason behind the affair, it puts the child in a very unfair position between the two parents and makes them a "accomplice" by default. What happens between a child's parents should remain private as you never know how this may impact a child in the long run. Children are not apt to understand a parent's decision sometimes and the best way to protect them is to keep it private. 

I suffered from being in the "middle" and was held responsible for my failure to disclose the information to the other parent. It is unfair on a child, period.

[pepperbird2]

20 minutes ago, ShiningMoon said:

I'll speak about this from a child's perspective since I once was on the other end. 

A parent's role is to protect their children. By disclosing such private information, you are involving your child into more than they can actually handle. Whatever the reason behind the affair, it puts the child in a very unfair position between the two parents and makes them a "accomplice" by default. What happens between a child's parents should remain private as you never know how this may impact a child in the long run. Children are not apt to understand a parent's decision sometimes and the best way to protect them is to keep it private. 

I suffered from being in the "middle" and was held responsible for my failure to disclose the information to the other parent. It is unfair on a child, period.

The problem is kids often figure these thins out ont heir own, and true to form what they come up with can be far worse than reality.

I don't think anyone is advocating for a full disclosure of a parent's sex life, but lying can be just as damaging. Kids are surprisingly knowledgeable.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

44 minutes ago, ShiningMoon said:

I'll speak about this from a child's perspective since I once was on the other end. 

A parent's role is to protect their children. By disclosing such private information, you are involving your child into more than they can actually handle. Whatever the reason behind the affair, it puts the child in a very unfair position between the two parents and makes them a "accomplice" by default. What happens between a child's parents should remain private as you never know how this may impact a child in the long run. Children are not apt to understand a parent's decision sometimes and the best way to protect them is to keep it private. 

I suffered from being in the "middle" and was held responsible for my failure to disclose the information to the other parent. It is unfair on a child, period.

 

This is actually spot-on logical thinking, but too many (people, to be kind) in the middle of affairs don't have enough common sense to recognize the importance of this where it concerns the other, still-innocent spouse.

Protecting one's spouse from the hurt it will cause parallels protecting one's child from having to understand infidelity and all that surrounds it.

 

People no more  "owe their spouses the (hurt that the) truth (will cause)"  than they  owe their children the pain that their choices will cause.

Each is a means through which to reduce your own guilt by making others soak-up your pain.

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, ShiningMoon said:

A parent's role is to protect their children. I suffered from being in the "middle" and was held responsible for my failure to disclose the information to the other parent. It is unfair on a child, period.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. No, it was not fair at all.

Kindly, some people are able to deal with the hard things and have the hard conversations, and others are not. Obviously, your parents had a difficult time dealing with the infidelity and they did not do their job - to protect you from having to deal with their indescretions, such that you didn’t have to deal with adult problems when you were a child.

I still believe it’s possible to be honest with your child and still protect them. There are people in this discussion who have proven that. I’m sorry your parents were not able to do that for you. 

[Atwood]

There's never going to be a one-size-fits-all for this. Sometimes you're going to have to talk about it, other times you may decide it's best not to. One spouse might be forced to discuss it openly/honestly because the other spouse is inappropriately discussing it with the children. Other times, it's obvious to the child what is happening and refusing to talk about it will confuse them further/make them feel unheard or, as someone else rightly said, the child might begin blaming themselves. 

It's never going to be appropriate to discuss specific or intimate details with children or to bash their other parent. But appropriate honesty is a viable option sometimes. 

[DKT3]

9 hours ago, EPC82 said:

Clearly children aren't stupid but they are children with child like views of the world. 

How do you think telling them is protecting their way of life? 

My wife has a thread here on this very subject. 

We did tell him about the affair.  But there came a point were he asked questions,  soon it became clear that he knew something. 

He took the information that he stored in his 6 year old brain spun it around in a teenage brain that had a better understanding and produced a story that had truth but also a lot of fase or misinformation.  

We then ran into the problem of how do you tell someone what they remember isn't exactly what happened.  To him it made us look like liers. 

Unfortunately in his early 20's he and his mothers relationship isnt great. 

Has we took the time to tell him in an age appropriate way what happened he would have had no need to figure it out. He would not have lost trust in his mother. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, if the kid is asking, you might as well answer. And the good thing is even a "I will not talk about this" gives the kid an answer.

If the kid is not asking about this, then no. You don't want to volunteer this information. You only volunteer this if you've been in a really abusive situation and the affair/s were part of the abusive pattern. 

[Wiseman2]

When kids are ready they'll ask. Then it's time for age appropriate truths 

Sadly way too many bitter divorced parents hurt thier kids as collateral damage in nasty divorces.

"Mommy/daddy cheated"  is a pretty nasty thing to do to kids to make the other parent look bad. 

Too bad kids get stuck in adult wars.

 

[Azincourt]

Yeah, I read somewhere that the majority of my generation of middle-aged folks(millennials) aren't going to get married because they are the children of parents who got divorced and their divorce battle was long and bitter, and these people grew up weary of marriage, so what they're gonna do is probably to co-habitate, and when they come to realize that co-habitation with a romantic partner is as dramatic, petty, and full of problems as most marriages are:  then I reckon they won't even live together.

Got a friend. Real prize. 6'3'' 230lbs 7% body fat, Young Ricky Martin genetic twin. Early 30s, owns his own house in a great location, great job, expensive car, money in the bank, and every girlfriend he gets ends up leaving the relationship bitter because the guy won't marry, won't move in, as he's still very bitter over their parents divorce back when he was 12 years old. And I ain't seeing the guy change, which makes me sad, 'cause he's way too attractive and $$$ to not have kids and pass on 'em beautiful genes and money to the next generation.

Edited October 2, 2020 by Azincourt

[Birdies]

Children internalize everything and make it into their fault, because their brains aren’t quite developed enough to understand the world doesn’t revolve around them. If you don’t understand this and adjust your behavior and parenting accordingly, you probably shouldn’t have kids. 

In the case of that poster, their families were best friends and then they had a D-Day. Children deserve to know why they can no longer play with their best friends - in an age-appropriate way, of course.

“When you get married, you have to follow certain rules. Mommy broke some rules of marriage with Mr Smith and it hurt Daddy very much, so the Smiths can’t be our friends anymore, so that Daddy can start feeling better. We know it’s not fair to you and we’re sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Etc

[Azincourt]

Yeah, it's pretty traumatic for small kids when their parents divorce. Or, their parents don't get a divorce, but kids grow up seeing how much their parents hate each other, but don't get a divorce for whatever personal reasons they have. It's a very toxic enviroment to be raised in, watching my friends having grown in such an enviroment, becoming adults, living in terrible romantic relationships and watching it all fall apart from a safe distance.

[pepperbird2]

4 hours ago, Azincourt said:

Yeah, it's pretty traumatic for small kids when their parents divorce. Or, their parents don't get a divorce, but kids grow up seeing how much their parents hate each other, but don't get a divorce for whatever personal reasons they have. It's a very toxic enviroment to be raised in, watching my friends having grown in such an enviroment, becoming adults, living in terrible romantic relationships and watching it all fall apart from a safe distance.

I sense an awful lot of projection in your posts.