Telling children about an affair

[pepperbird2]

Something I think a lot of people don't think about is that kids have access to information we never had. They are tech savvy and even a five or six year old who overhears a snippet can look it up, find out what it is and their fertile imaginations do the rest.

 

Edited October 2, 2020 by pepperbird2

[Azincourt]

5 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

I sense an awful lot of projection in your posts.

People do assume that of me, but it's actually the opposite. 

My parents have a wonderful marriage that has lasted for 40+ years.

Problem is, women like my mother are very few and apart, so  if I'm going to get married or co-habitate with someone she has to be really special. And there ain't that many special people in the world.

Edited October 2, 2020 by Azincourt

[pepperbird2]

13 minutes ago, Azincourt said:

People do assume that of me, but it's actually the opposite. 

My parents have a wonderful marriage that has lasted for 40+ years.

Problem is, women like my mother are very few and apart, so  if I'm going to get married or co-habitate with someone she has to be really special. And there ain't that many special people in the world.

I wasn't referring to your parents.

 

[Azincourt]

9 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

I wasn't referring to your parents.

 

No, I've never been married. I'm real smart about that. I always tell women I live with 10 dudes in a rented house, that I do seasonal jobs, so they don't realize I have ''job security''  because I ain't really looking for a wife, or a a pretend-wife(co-habitation girlfriend). I do tell my parents that I'm busy travelling the world and meeting new women along the way, with the intent of getting married one day, but that's a lie. I'm just travelling the world because I enjoy meeting attractive, exotic women and the idea of monogamy is as sexually exciting to me as the mental image of a 90 year old toothless nun.

But don't tell my mother that. She actually believes she's gonna get grandsons from me .

LMAOOO.

Edited October 2, 2020 by Azincourt

[Amethyst68]

Quote

 

Protecting one's spouse from the hurt it will cause parallels protecting one's child from having to understand infidelity and all that surrounds it.

 

People no more  "owe their spouses the (hurt that the) truth (will cause)"  than they  owe their children the pain that their choices will cause.

Each is a means through which to reduce your own guilt by making others soak-up your pain.

 

Complete rubbish! The only person they're protecting is themselves as well as their future opportunities to cheat.  Wouldn't want the spouse to be on high alert or aware of certain behaviour patterns, would they....

The one thing your post doesn't take into consideration is health.  My cousin died as a result of cancer caused by an STI she caught from her cheating husband.  If he had the guts to confess she may still be alive!

As for children,  it depends.  They don't exist in a vacuum and often know more about what's going on than their parents suspect or want to admit to.

They're obviously going to know something's wrong if their parents split and one of them immediately goes to live with their AP. Unfortunately it happens all too often, parents prioritise their new relationship over their children.  

[ShiningMoon]

On 10/1/2020 at 7:32 PM, pepperbird2 said:

The problem is kids often figure these thins out ont heir own, and true to form what they come up with can be far worse than reality.

I don't think anyone is advocating for a full disclosure of a parent's sex life, but lying can be just as damaging. Kids are surprisingly knowledgeable.

Refusing to discuss this information with a child and lying are two different things. 

Parents owe children transparency but only to an extent. Parents do not owe any compulsory disclosure to their children unless absolutely critical to their safety/wellbeing. 

Indiscretions can only be understood by the person engaging in such behavior, not even the betrayed party can fully understand, so it is best not to involve children. 

Trust me, I truthfully wish indiscretions and issues resulting from them were kept secret. 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/2/2020 at 9:02 AM, Birdies said:

“When you get married, you have to follow certain rules. Mommy broke some rules of marriage with Mr Smith and it hurt Daddy very much, so the Smiths can’t be our friends anymore, so that Daddy can start feeling better. We know it’s not fair to you and we’re sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Etc

Yikes!  Do parents do this to their kids?

All kids need to know is that will be changes they don't need to adult sordid details like this. That is just to make the cheating spouse a demon. And maybe they are as a partner, however that is HALF of who a child is and STILL their parent. Demonizing the other parent for any reason in divorce is a huge mistake.

[pepperbird2]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yikes!  Do parents do this to their kids?

All kids need to know is that will be changes they don't need to adult sordid details like this. That is just to make the cheating spouse a demon. And maybe they are as a partner, however that is HALF of who a child is and STILL their parent. Demonizing the other parent for any reason in divorce is a huge mistake.

My problem was they outright asked why daddy had a girlfriend and what "cheating" was( but they used the more vulgar term they had overheard). They were playing with our next door neighbour's kids and thanks to community gossip, their parents were talking about it inside and they overheard them.
At fist, I lied, but when they asked again, we sat them down and told them the truth in a way that was appropriate to their age. He explained that he had hurt me in a really bad way, but he was very sorry. We talked to them about how adults can sometimes make bad choices, but the important thing is to admit your mistakes, take responsibility for them and to learn from them. We also told them we loved them, and we loved each other and would work really hard to make things between us right again. We also explained that when something was that important,. it's worth working for.
I hope we did the right thing.

[elaine567]

10 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I hope we did the right thing.

You had no choice.
Yes, in a perfect world kids would be completely insulated from any affair talk, but in the real world people speak and discuss and kids listen/overhear and find out the secrets they were never supposed to find out..
Out on the street, in the playground, on the internet etc are places where kids can find out the real truth about Mom and Dad... 

Parents can control the stuff that kids hear at home, but sometimes tempers fray and arguments get overheard by the kids.
Kids are also very sensitive to tensions in the home, so even those parents  who think they are doing a good job of keeping it all under the radar, still have kids that know something is up.
Crying, depressed mothers and angry, distant fathers are not things kids don't notice. 

[Birdies]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yikes!  Do parents do this to their kids?

All kids need to know is that will be changes they don't need to adult sordid details like this. That is just to make the cheating spouse a demon. And maybe they are as a partner, however that is HALF of who a child is and STILL their parent. Demonizing the other parent for any reason in divorce is a huge mistake.

Explaining that one parent broke the rules of marriage isn’t demonizing anyone, nor is it sordid. Chill. 

Edited October 4, 2020 by Birdies

[mark clemson]

True, but that would depend a lot on the manner in which it was done. It certainly could be done in a manner that would demonize the WS.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Birdies said:

Explaining that one parent broke the rules of marriage isn’t demonizing anyone, nor is it sordid. 

And we wonder why kids are so messed up.😯

[EPC82]

I cheated on my husband. We have three children. We have now been separated for 3 years. 

I get along brilliantly with my ex and his new fiance. We all get together for the kids birthdays and I even hang out with my ex's fiance from time to time. She's lovely. We watch each other's pets while the other vacations. I'm still close with my ex MIL and SIL/BIL. 

Yes, I cheated. I apologized profusely. We discussed endlessly the why's and how's. This combined with other martial issues we decided to call it quits. My ex doesn't think I'm evil, he knows that we weren't making each other happy. 

We managed to forgive one another and prioritize our children.

My babies have two loving homes and lots of extended family who love them deeply. 

Telling my children that I cheated would only hurt and confuse them. Its also only one part of the story. Its important to note also that they don't yet understand the complexities of adult, romantic relationships. I just want them to heal and see that they are the most important thing to both myself and their father, not burden them with things they can't fully understand. 

Not all cheaters are evil, selfish people. Good people can make bad choices. 

[elaine567]

Is it "demonising" or just telling the truth?
Or is it better to sugar coat the whole thing as if it never happened, when the kid often knows who the "guilty party" is?
Should Pepperbird have lied and lied and lied to persuade her kids that Daddy did not have a gf?
 

[Birdies]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

And we wonder why kids are so messed up.😯

🙄 Not giving children any explanation for what is happening in their lives doesn’t mean they won’t notice the disruption and change. It just means that they will make up their own narrative, which usually includes internalizing the blame because children are inherently self-focused due to their brain development. THAT is what messes kids up. Not treating them like sentient beings and communicating with them in an age-appropriate manner. 

[EPC82]

I don't believe anyone is saying that a child isn't sentient (come on now), and that they don't internalize their parents breakup. We all internalize everything all the time...welcome to humanity. Like when I (the cheater) internalized my ex husband never wanting to be intimate with me and essentially deciding that we would have a sexless marriage when I was on 35. 

Infidelity isn't usually the sole cause of separation. Its usually a symptom of a broken marriage that either needs to be fixed, or ended. 

Age appropriate conversations about separation CAN happen without giving a child details, like, mommy broke the rules or mommy banged another man. 

It feels to me like giving details to a child (no matter how subtle) is an emotional response and feels like an attempt to shift blame on to a specific parent. Logical, thought out conversations don't involve finger pointing. Unless I was meant to express to my children that Mommy "broke the rules of marriage" because Daddy has a fear of intimacy and mommy feels like she is undesirable and has no self esteem left, then perhaps we should just leave the whole broken rules nonsense out of the conversation. 

[BaileyB]

52 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

It feels to me like giving details to a child (no matter how subtle) is an emotional response and feels like an attempt to shift blame on to a specific parent. Logical, thought out conversations don't involve finger pointing. 

Sincere question, is it placing blame or could it be accepting responsibility? 

[EPC82]

27 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Sincere question, is it placing blame or could it be accepting responsibility? 

I accepted full responsibility for my affair, and my ex husband and I both accepted responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. Not telling my children every detail that ended our marriage is not at all the same as not taking responsibility. 

Again, my affair was only one part of my separation. I had asked my husband for a separation before I cheated but he refused me. My marrige was over months before it actually ended. 

Sincere question: should we all be disclosing all aspects of our failed marriages to our children, or only affairs? 

[Zona]

I guess it's not surprising that people who have cheated think it's best to cover it up and keep it secret. That's just the wayward mindset.

If telling children the truth makes one of the parents (the cheater) look bad, that's just a consequence of the cheating. 

I suppose I am a bit of a hypocrite though because we never told our kids about my wife's "indiscretion".

Edited October 5, 2020 by Zona

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

Sincere question: should we all be disclosing all aspects of our failed marriages to our children, or only affairs? 

That’s not what anyone in this discussion is saying... nobody here has said you should be disclosing all aspect of your affair to your children. 

[pepperbird2]

13 hours ago, EPC82 said:

I don't believe anyone is saying that a child isn't sentient (come on now), and that they don't internalize their parents breakup. We all internalize everything all the time...welcome to humanity. Like when I (the cheater) internalized my ex husband never wanting to be intimate with me and essentially deciding that we would have a sexless marriage when I was on 35. 

Infidelity isn't usually the sole cause of separation. Its usually a symptom of a broken marriage that either needs to be fixed, or ended. 

Age appropriate conversations about separation CAN happen without giving a child details, like, mommy broke the rules or mommy banged another man. 

It feels to me like giving details to a child (no matter how subtle) is an emotional response and feels like an attempt to shift blame on to a specific parent. Logical, thought out conversations don't involve finger pointing. Unless I was meant to express to my children that Mommy "broke the rules of marriage" because Daddy has a fear of intimacy and mommy feels like she is undesirable and has no self esteem left, then perhaps we should just leave the whole broken rules nonsense out of the conversation. 

i think I understand where you're coming from, and to be honest, I can't say I disagree, at least at some level.
The thing that really bothered me was we always tried to teach our kids to be honest, take responsibility, same as most parents do. I lied to them and they knew it. The truth did come out, but it left us both feeling like real hypocrites. there we were telling them one thing and then we did the exact opposite, at least at first. I get that the world isn't black and white, but I don;t think we set a good example.

hopefully it won't happen, but if it does, what would you say to one of your children if they ask you if you or you ex ever cheated?  Do you think you;d tell them the truth?

[EPC82]

1 hour ago, pepperbird2 said:

i think I understand where you're coming from, and to be honest, I can't say I disagree, at least at some level.
The thing that really bothered me was we always tried to teach our kids to be honest, take responsibility, same as most parents do. I lied to them and they knew it. The truth did come out, but it left us both feeling like real hypocrites. there we were telling them one thing and then we did the exact opposite, at least at first. I get that the world isn't black and white, but I don;t think we set a good example.

hopefully it won't happen, but if it does, what would you say to one of your children if they ask you if you or you ex ever cheated?  Do you think you;d tell them the truth?

I would be honest and tell them it was true. I wouldn't lie my babies. I think that we would come out the other side okay. We have discussed infidelity in other terms and I told them that things are never black and white, that its complicated and that we should never assume we understand the whole story from one persons perspective. 

I do not hide my flaws from my children and I apologize to them often. I just don't think that they are in the right place for such admissions. 

Maybe one day when one of their hearts are broken or they have made a big mistake and my story will help them feel less alone, or recognize that everyone screws up, I'll tell them. 

I am sorry that you had to go through the things you did and that your children were hurt in the process. Truly. 

[pepperbird2]

37 minutes ago, EPC82 said:

I would be honest and tell them it was true. I wouldn't lie my babies. I think that we would come out the other side okay. We have discussed infidelity in other terms and I told them that things are never black and white, that its complicated and that we should never assume we understand the whole story from one persons perspective. 

I do not hide my flaws from my children and I apologize to them often. I just don't think that they are in the right place for such admissions. 

Maybe one day when one of their hearts are broken or they have made a big mistake and my story will help them feel less alone, or recognize that everyone screws up, I'll tell them. 

I am sorry that you had to go through the things you did and that your children were hurt in the process. Truly. 

Thank you.
that's the thing about being a parent. There's no instruction manual. You just have to do your best, which it sounds like you're doing

[Starswillshine]

My kids knew/know. They were there when I saw the text, and they saw the psychical struggle for the phone. And they heard the yells and crying. We had no choice but to explain. My xWH explained it to them in terms they could understand. There was no demonizing anyone. I let him explain it to them versus me. The deserved to have an understanding why all of a sudden our once happy home that saw no yelling, fights, etc and only love turned into a tense situation. They had a right to have SOME knowledge. 

When we decided to separate, I told the kids that it was me that could not move past. I took the blame for not being able to forgive and get over the affair. 

[EPC82]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

My kids knew/know. They were there when I saw the text, and they saw the psychical struggle for the phone. And they heard the yells and crying. We had no choice but to explain. My xWH explained it to them in terms they could understand. There was no demonizing anyone. I let him explain it to them versus me. The deserved to have an understanding why all of a sudden our once happy home that saw no yelling, fights, etc and only love turned into a tense situation. They had a right to have SOME knowledge. 

When we decided to separate, I told the kids that it was me that could not move past. I took the blame for not being able to forgive and get over the affair. 

I think that this all comes down to making reasonable decisions, and always having our babies best interests in mind. If its obvious that the info needs to be disclosed then that's clearly the best thing to do, as was the case in your situation. 

I in no way promote lying to our children. I only promote protecting them. 

Its all about choosing our moments and trying to make the best for horrible situations. 🙂