Is it unreasonable to want to relax in the evenings?

[ST81]

Hi

My husband works shifts, day shift and backshift. On a backshift he comes home somewhere between 9 and 10pm. Normally I have finished work, take care of our child, do any housework, daughters clubs / go to the gym and after doing all that I just want to have a shower, put my comfy clothes on and relax for an hour or 2 before going to bed to get up and on again the next day.

My husband takes issue with me wearing my comfy clothes 'every time' he comes in from a backshift and not a nice dress or even my jeans might be better. 

Some weeks he has 3 days off midweek, on the last evening he txt me while I was at the gym that he was cooking steaks for dinner and dressing nice. So when I got in after the gym and our daughter at swimming I got into a dress and it was nice.

At the weekend when he is working I cook dinner, sunday dinner etc and make the effort when I can.

But is it really unreasonable to want to wear comfies in the evening after been working / running about all day? And he comes home, has a shower and often straight into jammies!

If I was coming in from work late would have no expectations on dress. 

If his days off are midweek I am still working 40 hours, childs clubs, homework, housework - he waits for me to dress up / make an effort and when he is fed up waiting so then takes the lead I end up feeling very belittled and put down despite everything I am doing! I make the effort at weekends when I am off! I am also the main breadwinner, he doesn't work full time.

Is it unreasonable to just want to relax through the week in comfy clothes when he comes home? I get about making an effort for each other and that is a lovely thing to do, but I do at the weekend and we still have time together through the week.

[d0nnivain]

Can you find nicer comfy clothes as a compromise?  

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, ST81 said:

My husband takes issue with me wearing my comfy clothes 'every time' he comes in from a backshift and not a nice dress or even my jeans might be better. 

Why does he want you dressed up? How long have you been married? Is the issue that he expects sex? Tell him you'll get dressed up when you go out. Go buy some new/better looking sweats, etc.

keep in mind dealing with his controlling behaviors and chronic depression will be a drain on you. You need to distance yourself and take care of yourself and your child. 

Do not even acknowledge ridiculous demands. Is he getting current treatment for his mental breakdowns?

Edited October 1, 2020 by Wiseman2

[schlumpy]

Every time you dress up have him take you out. He'll quit asking.

[ST81]

We have been married 12 years. He had a breakdown about 18 months ago, recovered reasonably well on medication for depression and anxiety. Then earlier this year decided his meds weren't doing anything for him and came off them - after consulting a GP. This was 2 weeks into lockdown! I walked put with our daughter in early July and attempted suicide. He is back on meds now and doing much better. Is calmet, more rational, not overreacting or as angry but without going for therapy I worry abput the future and if its his antidepressants suppressing the anger.

For years I would do alot to keep him happy, dress up when i least felt like it, lost contact with many old friends over the years and effects of the last fews years almost broke me totally mentally and emotionally. I sm in therapy fir myself right now and is helping massively.

He is finally now beginning to accept responsibility for his behaviour, own decisions and the impact of, at times, his nasty tongue. Our daughter was badly affected too and I spent several months this year seriously considering separation.

As I say he is improving but I am pushing back on the control of what is acceptable to wear. Esp when i'm still doing almost everything other than the main supermarket shops! 

I totally get make an effort for each other, and he is improving- I have just recently got apologies for how he has behaved and all the hurt. 

Yes i could and will buy nicer comfies to wear (that's a great suggestion) but again guess I feel its me having to change 

[vla1120]

So, you're the main breadwinner and also take care of the lion's share of the duties at home and with the children? Ahh. His expectations are a little unrealistic. If he wants to become the main breadwinner, work full time, and let you have a bit of extra time to do all those things you do now, THEN he could have the expectation you will be nicely dressed when he comes home from work. For now, however, he needs to be more appreciative of all you do for the family and respect your right and need to get into comfy clothes at the end of a long day. If you want to make them more dressy comfy clothes, that's a good compromise (as long as they still meet your "comfy" expectation!) I won't even get into the fact that you've stayed and been supportive of him during his difficulties and him deciding to go OFF of medication during this lockdown. He's lucky to have you, and he needs to realize that. He should be worshiping the ground you walk on, frankly. 

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like your issues go way beyond clothing.

I've never been with someone who expected me to dress up at home. Sure, I wear cuter lounge clothes when there's a man around, but I only dress up when we go out.

[ST81]

19 hours ago, vla1120 said:

So, you're the main breadwinner and also take care of the lion's share of the duties at home and with the children? Ahh. His expectations are a little unrealistic. If he wants to become the main breadwinner, work full time, and let you have a bit of extra time to do all those things you do now, THEN he could have the expectation you will be nicely dressed when he comes home from work. For now, however, he needs to be more appreciative of all you do for the family and respect your right and need to get into comfy clothes at the end of a long day. If you want to make them more dressy comfy clothes, that's a good compromise (as long as they still meet your "comfy" expectation!) I won't even get into the fact that you've stayed and been supportive of him during his difficulties and him deciding to go OFF of medication during this lockdown. He's lucky to have you, and he needs to realize that. He should be worshiping the ground you walk on, frankly. 

I feel his expectations are a little unrealistic too, feeling very lucky that on his day off today he has hoovered a bedroom and the stairs 🙄!!

Anything i do change on wearing will meet my needs of comfy clothing, something I have relearned over the last couple of months with therapy is self-care and meeting my own needs as with that I feel much stronger mentally and emotionally for myself and our daughter.

[ST81]

19 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

It sounds like your issues go way beyond clothing.

I've never been with someone who expected me to dress up at home. Sure, I wear cuter lounge clothes when there's a man around, but I only dress up when we go out.

Yes do go way beyond clothing, though this is an issue thats been annoying me (among many others!).

There is no way I am dressing up every time he comes home from a backshift!

 

[Atwood]

Wear what you want and tell him that you'll continue to wear whatever you feel like wearing. Being told to dress up isn't sexy and it certainly isn't the job of your partner to decide on your clothing. I would set down a firm "no". 

[ST81]

28 minutes ago, Atwood said:

Wear what you want and tell him that you'll continue to wear whatever you feel like wearing. Being told to dress up isn't sexy and it certainly isn't the job of your partner to decide on your clothing. I would set down a firm "no". 

Yes you are totally right, thats what I want to say - i would have no issue if I came in later on and he was in comfies

[Atwood]

18 hours ago, ST81 said:

Yes you are totally right, thats what I want to say - i would have no issue if I came in later on and he was in comfies

Of course. I understand having fetishes or "things" for lingerie and costumes and stuff, but that's always something you can do during intimacy if that's something you consent to. I just take issue with needing to be all dressed up for your partner coming home for his gratification. It's controlling. My partner and I can get all hot and bothered by each other when we're wearing Pokemon or Simpsons pyjamas. Or, we've sometimes enjoyed certain outfits. 

I think it's the fact he's setting down a kind of pressure/expectation that is a concern and he can't think he gets to make those kinds of demands of you. 

[Crazelnut]

Waaay too controlling. You do way more than enough for him and the family. You deserve to be in comfortable clothes after a long day of doing all that! 

[ST81]

2 hours ago, Atwood said:

Of course. I understand having fetishes or "things" for lingerie and costumes and stuff, but that's always something you can do during intimacy if that's something you consent to. I just take issue with needing to be all dressed up for your partner coming home for his gratification. It's controlling. My partner and I can get all hot and bothered by each other when we're wearing Pokemon or Simpsons pyjamas. Or, we've sometimes enjoyed certain outfits. 

I think it's the fact he's setting down a kind of pressure/expectation that is a concern and he can't think he gets to make those kinds of demands of you. 

We have enjoyed other certain outfits and costumes before as well, and there are times if we have a wee date night its nice to dress up. But its through the week and the fact he is taking issue with comfies thats annoying me. Even the weekend when he is on backshift our daughter and I are relaxing on the couch with a movie on and she is still up (age 11 now) when he comes home. I'm chilling out, not dressing up. 

Edited October 3, 2020 by ST81

[ST81]

44 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

Waaay too controlling. You do way more than enough for him and the family. You deserve to be in comfortable clothes after a long day of doing all that! 

Thank you, thats what I feel too 

[kismetkismet]

That's totally unreasonable for him to expect. I'm one of those people that immediately changes into comfy clothes as soon as I get home and if my husband expected me to stay in my tight zippery things all day I would laugh and laugh lol. I do understand that after a while it can kill the romance of the situation, but a reasonable way around that is to have the occasional date night where you both get dressed up for each other and spend quality time together. Expecting that every day after you work so hard for the family is unfair. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Time for papa to put on an apron. Make sure to get him one that's large enough to cover most of his tuxedo he'll be wearing when he's finally pitching in!

If he complains, tell him you'll hire the neighbor guy down the street to help pick up his slack. 

Be sure to criticize him if one of his hairs falls out of place. 

You are being taken for granted imo. 

Edited to add: If the above seems too extreme 😂, just take a trip without him for a couple of days and leave the kids home with him. Visit your parents or a girlfriend or just go by yourself. After he's had a couple days tending to the kids and all the household chores, he might become more appreciative and ease up on the evening wear demands. 

Edited October 15, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel

[HadMeOverABarrel]

On 10/2/2020 at 12:18 PM, Atwood said:

Wear what you want and tell him that you'll continue to wear whatever you feel like wearing. Being told to dress up isn't sexy and it certainly isn't the job of your partner to decide on your clothing. I would set down a firm "no". 

While I agree with this message, I disagree with its method because it invites a power struggle. Sounds like a power struggle is the last thing you need here. 

Show is always better than tell. See my suggestion above. 

[Wiseman2]

Ok I can understand being shaved, showered and clean comfortable clothes. But I'll be damned if someone wanted me hanging around my house in a suit and tie.😱

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Tell him when he can afford to let you be a stay at home wife and mom, then you will have the energy and desire to dress like June Cleaver.

[ST81]

39 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Tell him when he can afford to let you be a stay at home wife and mom, then you will have the energy and desire to dress like June Cleaver.

I work full time to pay for and keep the house! His part time job pays for extras - not going to happen! Dressing up is the last thing I feel like after a demanding job, kids, clubs, the house. 

[ST81]

13 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Time for papa to put on an apron. Make sure to get him one that's large enough to cover most of his tuxedo he'll be wearing when he's finally pitching in!

If he complains, tell him you'll hire the neighbor guy down the street to help pick up his slack. 

Be sure to criticize him if one of his hairs falls out of place. 

You are being taken for granted imo. 

Edited to add: If the above seems too extreme 😂, just take a trip without him for a couple of days and leave the kids home with him. Visit your parents or a girlfriend or just go by yourself. After he's had a couple days tending to the kids and all the household chores, he might become more appreciative and ease up on the evening wear demands. 

Thats a great suggestion! Would love a weekend off and away