Future Son-in-law Grieving & Drinking Heavily

[vla1120]

I'm no stranger to alcoholism. But what is happening now is new to me and, while I am going to start to go to Al Anon for myself, I'm wondering if anyone else has been through something similar. 
My 25-yr-old daughter's fiance has a drinking problem. They almost split up over it a months ago, but he stopped drinking and everything had been fine. Then, about three weeks ago, his brother was killed in an auto accident (no drinking involved.) He and my daughter usually live with me. Since the accident, they have been staying with his parents. Now, he is drinking very heavily again. I understand he is grieving. His brother was his "person" and used to help him battle his alcoholism. He was the only person he'd listen to, in most cases. Then, he met my daugther three years ago and had really toned down his drinking except for relapses here and there. One problem is that he does not admit or recognize he has a problem. He only addresses it when he is fearful of losing my daughter. Because of my family history with alcoholism (abusive step father), I get triggered pretty easily, and when I see he's drunk, I have a tendency to want to show him the door. For that reason, my daughter really tries to keep it under taps. I keep telling her this is a lifelong issue, he is always going to be a recovering alcoholic, and anything difficult can set him off. Is that really the way she wants to spend the rest of her life? I also tell her to try to picture when they are married and have children. Is that the father she wants for her children? I absolutely adore him when he's sober. He's a good young man. He's smart, he takes good care of her. He even takes care of me. How long after his brother's death is it okay to start on him about his drinking? What does it take for an alcoholic to admit he has a problem? (My step father died still believing he didn't have a drinking problem.) I do love him like a son. I want him to be okay. I just don't know what to expect with this grieving process. His parents have also tried for years to get him help. His brother was the only person he would listen to. I think I need to hear there is hope. This is not the life I would pick for my daughter.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

 I am going to start to go to Al Anon for myself, I'm wondering if anyone else has been through something similar. 
My 25-yr-old daughter's fiance has a drinking problem.

Sorry to hear this. Send her Al-Anon material and take her to meeting with you. You know the hell of it. However try not to dissuade her from him, it could backfire. Simply enlighten her that being with a problem drinker is hell on earth. 

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[d0nnivain]

I agree  Take your daughter to an al anon meeting with you or get her to zoom her own.  

[Ellener]

5 hours ago, vla1120 said:

For that reason, my daughter really tries to keep it under taps. I keep telling her this is a lifelong issue, he is always going to be a recovering alcoholic, and anything difficult can set him off. Is that really the way she wants to spend the rest of her life? I also tell her to try to picture when they are married and have children. Is that the father she wants for her children?

It's not really your business though is it? Nobody can fix anybody else, you've given them the info they need and you'll be around later to help pick up the pieces for your daughter if he did become abusive, which it doesn't sound like he is now. Nothing else you can do, except ask them to find their own place if they disrupt your life too much.

I understand you're worried though, we all do about our children (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))