Don't know how to move on

[Tye345]

This is the first time I have posted here. I have been lurking on the threads but would be really really grateful for some thoughts/advice.

The people on this site seem open and non judgemental although, of course, I am realistic and know that there are many who won't condone what I've done. And I am not trying to justify anything.

I have been married for ten years and have a child. I have know my AP for 20 and had an on off relationship with him in my 20s. He is also married - without children- and lives far away from me.

We have had an on off friendship since I married. But last year we began a physical relationship again while still married to our W and H and met a few times, messaging frequently. It was hard work because we lived so far apart. My H and I were also thinking about separating at that time.

Although the AP and I said we loved each other and the bond between us was still strong, he always made it very clear he did not want to end his marriage. I was less certain about mine. My H and I had not been getting on for a very long time. We have different attitudes towards life and I was becoming frequently worried about bringing up my son in  negative environment.

At the end of last year his wife found out after discovering messages on his phone and reported me to my workplace. It ended with AP very quickly and there was no closure. Although I was completely devastated I made the decision to try to concentrate on my marriage and H although I was heartbroken. I blocked AP on everything and tried to move on.

Then in June this year AP contacted me through a fake account on Twitter and we started messaging again. This time we also spoke on the phone frequently. He very quickly told me that he had decided he was going to leave his wife and wanted to be with me. He asked me if I would consider it and I said yes. Our plan was to be together next year once we had decided where to live and how to make the best of things for my son. He even applied for a more flexible job which meant he could work anywhere and move towards me.

Then in July his wife found our messages again. He said he was going to leave but said he had no where to go and didn't want to lose his flat. Things settled down again and we resumed speaking and messaging via a different app. We had our ups and downs during this time mainly caused by him not always being able to keep in touch. He lives in a tiny one bedroom flat and obviously his wife had her suspicions. From time to time her would call me after they had an argument and talk about how down he was and he would also screen shot copies of their texts where she would talk about me and how she thought he was was still speaking to me and how badly he was treating her.

Then over a week ago we were messaging and suddenly I was blocked. I got a message via email saying that she had found the messages again and had blocked me on his phone. He called the next day and said it was awful but that he would keep calling  but that messaging would be more difficult as she was monitoring his phone. We talked on the phone every day that week but I could feel him becoming distant although he kept saying he loved me.

Then he went away for the weekend to see his parents and everything changed completely. She started posting loved up pictures of them on SM and tagging him in things. I was so upset and told him I thought he was lying to me and never to speak to me again. He said he had been telling the truth but didn't give me any explanation about what was going on.

Since then I haven't really heard from him and I haven't messaged him. But two nights ago I had a message saying that he was sorry but that he wouldn't be able to speak for a while. I replied saying that I wasn't asking to speak to him and that he seemed happy to me looking at SM. Then a few hours later he sent me another screenshot of a conversation with his wife saying how unhappy she was and how horrible he was to her and again talking about me and what had happened. I replied saying I didn't know what he wanted me to say and haven't heard anything since.

Sorry for the very lengthy post but I have no idea what happened and what I did wrong and what is going to happen now. I feel completely lost and confused. Did he mean anything he said? 

I started counselling last night because I need to see how I feel about things over the long term and that includes my marriage. I need to see if I can retrieve things with H and try to be happy here. But I am now stuck in limbo not knowing what is going on with AP. I am devastated because I feel I have been dropped like a stone without any explanation but then have recieved the random screenshot. I feel like I have been manipulated massively and can't get any closure.

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, Tye345 said:

Sorry for the very lengthy post but I have no idea what happened and what I did wrong and what is going to happen now. I feel completely lost and confused. Did he mean anything he said? 

Honestly? Probably bits and pieces, but this guy has been lying to you for a long time. 

He's been playing you and his wife off each other and doing whatever he can so satisfy his own desires. Your feelings, and his wife's, are not the priority. He has the gall to cheat on her and also show you their private communications - and probably vice versa. Know that the things you say in private to him have likely been seen by someone else. You have to realize that this guy is horrible, Tye. Take your power back. You haven't been manipulated any more than you have continuously allowed yourself to make this mess...messier. It's a blessing in disguise that you've seen them playing happy families, only because it might help you finally come to terms with the fact that there is no future for you here. 

Imagine what a relationship with him would really look like for a moment: you'd never trust him. You'd wonder where he is every time he is late, every time you can't get a hold of him. You'd wonder who he's talking to when his nose is buried in his phone, or when he starts taking it to the bathroom with him, changing the passcode on it, or not letting it out of his sight. You would wonder if he's doing the same thing to you that he did to his wife.   Sure, he'd probably reassure you that everything is fine and not to worry, but you'd know he's not a man of his word. You would know you can't trust what he says and that he acts in his own interests before anything else. Sound like  a happy future? 

Does your husband know about this? If he doesn't, you really need to watch your step. It would take little for an angry third party to start sending some incriminating screenshots his way, too. If you haven't already, you need to come clean. Work on your marriage from a place of honesty and transparency. 

Edited October 2, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Tye345]

Thank you. You make so so much sense and the rational side of me knows you are right. I would never trust him but I think deep down I always hoped things would work out with us and I have this stupid idealised dream of how it could be.

I also can't bear the thought of him and his wife making a go of things and being happy. I feel like he puts me in the middle of his drama by sending me the screenshots (he has done it before) and it's so manipulative. But thinking of them growing old together keeps me awake at night.

And I know how irrational that sounds.

[Wiseman2]

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Stay out of his life and out of his marriage.

[Tye345]

I did exactly that last year in the advice of my work (after I was reported to my work by his wife) and he set up a fake social media profile and wormed his way back in to my life. 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Tye345 said:

 I was reported to my work

wormed his way back in to my life. 

 

You need to stop. It's that simple. Stop the excuses, stop the contact.

[Tye345]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

You need to stop. It's that simple. Stop the excuses, stop the contact.

I know I do. I have started counselling to try and work out why I keep letting this toxicity back in to my life time and again  I can't bear the thought of hik happy with her. It makes me feel sick. And I know that's no excuse to do it. I am just being totally honest.

[Amethyst68]

He's done to you exactly what you're doing to your husband.  Leading him on,  pretending to work on your relationship while at the same time planning to leave him. 

Seems you're just better at keeping secrets than your MM

[AngelLove]

 

I would completely block him on everything and leave him the past..you seem more invested than he is ( willing to leave your marriage for him) but he just want you on the side when it'sconvenient for him, nothing more. Remember to ignore him if he does skate through every avenues you block him from. Your association with him will never bring anything positive in your life. 

You can't control what he does but you can control what you can allow. Good luck 

[ExpatInItaly]

Does your husband know, OP?

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like he can't actually bring himself to leave his wife, at least not yet. And apparently she too is unable (yet) to give him the boot for what he's been doing. So they are stuck together, making each other unhappy, and you are stuck without him. Manipulation? Sure, possibly, but there are also people who feel they want to leave a marriage at some level, but then can't actually bring themselves to do it. It's often not easy on an emotional, pragmatic, and logistical level.

MHO, you should not believe him that he will leave unless/until he actually does. And IF it's because she kicked him out, you should take that into account. IMO however much he may care for you he's not showing much spine here (and that's not particularly uncommon).

I'm not a proponent of telling about an affair no matter what (I believe it should be a choice based on the specifics of each case and I believe there's a solid chance of it ending a marriage "no matter what"). And I don't have specific advice on that point for your situation. However, I DO agree that it's not at all fair to your husband that he is "Plan B" and you would leave him for this guy and in fact seem to be waiting to do so. Life is not a Disney movie and "following your heart" can have serious consequences for you and for those around you.

You aren't going to get a genuine and clear assessment of your marriage if your heart is set on the AP, so that is an issue to strongly keep in mind while working through things with your IC.

Edited October 2, 2020 by mark clemson

[C52]

If MMW was vindictive enough to report you to your employer, then I think her next move would be to find your H and inform him too. I think the reason she hasn't done that yet is her likely fear that your H will D you and you'll be 'free' to  get closer to MM. But that fear will dissipate over time so be prepared to explain to H or to leave your M. And from your initial post, leaving your M sounds like an inevitability.

Edited October 3, 2020 by C52
update

[Zona]

This is exactly the scenario that happens all the time, and what I always warn a new BS about. The affair almost never stops on D-day but just goes deeper underground.

Why on earth haven't you divorced your husband already? You've obviously checked out of the marriage and don't love or respect him. Set him free so that he can find someone who does.

Can you see how you stringing your husband along while you try to get AP to leave his wife for you looks? I'm actually shocked that the BW of your AP has not contacted your husband. She could do him such a favor and show him the kind of person he is married to.

[ABernie]

Your story is very similar to mine.  

 

I don't know how much is truth/lies, but I do realize that men rarely leave.  In fact, the reason the divorce rate is up around the world is because women can financially and legally file for divorce.  Today, it's more often than not the woman who files.  

 

After going through an amicable divorce, I can tell you it's not easy.   MM see what they have to lose (financial, reputation, family life, etc) or how hard it will be (collecting paperwork, finding housing, moving, juggling schedules for visitation, etc), they will often take the path of least resistance and stay; if they are allowed.  If a BW is financially dependent on the WH, the odds are very good that he will be allowed.