Taking a Break and Over thinking

[Katie88]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for almost 9 months. Last night we had an argument and he said that we needed to love ourselves first then we could love each other. So he wanted to take a break to focus on ourselves. He said “I love you but I can’t love you the right why if My mentally isn’t straight so I want to fix myself for me.” He said that he wants to try again after we both are better But he ignores me. Today I had an anxiety attack and I tried telling him and he was dry. He thought I was trying to quit the break (as in just get back together). I feel like he’s avoiding me, which is kinda the point of a break. I don’t know if he actually wants a break or if he wants to break up. I just think that I’m over thinking half of the time. But I want to know what you guys think. 

[Acacia98]

15 minutes ago, Katie88 said:

He said “I love you but I can’t love you the right why if My mentally isn’t straight so I want to fix myself for me.” He said that he wants to try again after we both are better But he ignores me. 

My personal opinion is that taking a break is somewhat dishonest; it's what people do when they want to have their cake and eat it. IMO, you should either try to fix your problems while in the relationship or you should break up properly and try to solve your problems as single people who are not beholden to each other. If the other person is single and open to reconciling down the road, you can try. But you don't get to tell them to wait for you. 

So, long story short, whatever his ultimate intentions are, it's not fair of him to leave you hanging like this. Your anxiety is a natural reaction under the circumstances. I would advise you to end the relationship properly so that you don't worry yourself sick, waiting for him to decide. Then, if you have issues to work on, work on them for your own good. Not so that you can reconcile with him but so that you can be a better person.

Edited October 2, 2020 by Acacia98

[schlumpy]

Nope. No Break.

He could inform you that he won't be available as much because of a big test to study for or job training that has to get done but a break so he can learn to "love himself?"

I don't think so. It's likely it's not him he's thinking about loving.

Just say no to being plan B.

You are either in a relationship with him or you are not. Anything else is manipulation on his part.

[Wiseman2]

 Sorry to hear that. What was the fight/breakup about?

Do not contact him. On/off relationships are fraught with issues.

There's no such thing as "breaks". He's using the "it's me, not you" explanation for the breakup.

Stay no contact. Address your anxiety and let him work on himself. Sorry to say, but it's over so don't get strung along with the " working on myself" line.

[d0nnivain]

Your BF broke up with you. In the heat of the moment & in the aftermath of a fight if he said I'll see you Monday I need the weekend to myself that is a "break" but this nebulous undefined time apart "work on yourselves" is a break up.  

Accept it as such.  Grieve the loss of the relationship & move on.  This guy has poor conflict resolution skills.  You are either together & working to fix whatever is wrong or you are broken up.  If he's ignoring you & giving you the silent treatment your own option is to focus on yourself & heal 

[Katie88]

Update:

we broke up today. I talked to him today and he wanted to break up because he thinks we are gonna grow apart. 

[kendahke]

19 hours ago, Katie88 said:

 I don’t know if he actually wants a break or if he wants to break up. . But I want to know what you guys think. 

There is no such thing as a break. Anything that is neglected dies. Either you're together working on your issues or you've broken up.

Save a lot of time and tears: consider that he broke up with you. Don't wait around pining for him.

And don't be surprised if another chick is hovering.

Quote

we broke up today. I talked to him today and he wanted to break up because he thinks we are gonna grow apart. 

No, he knows you're going to grow apart because that was his intention.  Go N/C now for your own mental and emotional well being.  Sitting around waiting on him to call or stalking his social media is going to keep you right where you are for longer than you need to be there. Block his number then delete him. Block him on all your social media. Let him to love himself without you having to be an uninvited witness to that.

Edited October 3, 2020 by kendahke

[d0nnivain]

9 hours ago, Katie88 said:

we broke up today. I talked to him today and he wanted to break up because he thinks we are gonna grow apart. 

I'm sorry you are hurting but this is better.  It's done.  It's clean.  You are not waiting & worrying.  Now you can start to heal.  

[Beachead]

@Katie88

I'm sorry for your pain OP.

A lot of people call for a break when they want to breakup but they're not entirely ready to.  Keeping you on the backburner, until they figure themselves out, is a way for them to explore other options or the lifestyle they want to live, while having a safety in place (You) incase things don't go their way.    Most cases than not, breaks lead to breakups, as you have now discovered.

Breaks in my opinion are insincere and disrespectful and don't acknowledge the natural feelings of the heart.  As a dumpee, you're at the mercy of his lead, not really knowing which direction things will go in.  Most people at this point are still invested and committed to their relationship, even though they were broken up with, so they'll hold on for hope, and in holding on, they put their heart and their life on hold as well.  They up suffering in limbo, not being able to move on for fear they'll miss out on a chance of reconciling and wind up regretful over it AND not being able to wait either, because of how much anxiety and pain it generates.  In the end, it will impact you and your life in a negative way and your relationship with him will also suffer.  

So I'm glad he came to his senses and broke it off with you, because that is fair to you.  You don't want to be with someone who's heart isn't fully committed to you.  You want to be with someone who's heart is.  When someone breaks it off with you, trust that you're better off.  They know something about themselves that you don't in the moment.  Something that tells them that they are not feeling it.   The way you should think about it is if the relationship and all the experiences, conversations and history you both shared together in it, amount to him ultimately choosing to breakup, then you've done all you can do.  You gave your best.  So although you want to lay down and cry forever in the immediate moment, wish him well, and trust that this is better for you, even though you cannot see it.

Many dumpees blame themselves for the end.  I'm here to remind you not to.

It is not your sole responsibility to ensure your relationship succeeds. It is his too. You are competing with many other factors that determine the outcome of your relationship, that out of your control, that have to do with him.  Things like his childhood, his past relationships and trauma..all of which translate to what he desires from friendships, partners, career and life.  In the end, it affects that he chooses.   It is not your fault.

Take your time with this and understand that the grief that you are feeling will require your patience and your care, to get through.  Don't rush it.  Be gentle with yourself.  You will heal and you'll be a better person for this with time.

- Beach

 

Edited October 3, 2020 by Beachead

[stillafool]

Usually when someone says they want a break they mean "break up" but say "break" in order to exit without as much drama.  It still means it's over.  If he's afraid you'll grow apart it's because he is involved with another person and not being honest about it.