At a loss of what to do. I'm extremely unhappy

[starla33]

I've been married 3 years (no kids). A month before the wedding my husband was laid off and it took him 9 months to find a job. He had the job a while and then was laid off again. Re-training in a different field so that took 6 months that time to find a job. Again he now was laid off because of COVID and its been 3 months. 

I don't know if it makes me a horrible person but I can't take this. I've had nothing but instability in my life since I got married. I have a lot of resentment because I have a chronic pain condition and have had to work full time though the pain for years now. Our relationship is fine when he has a job, but when he is unemployed he has no time to put any work into it so i feel like we are roommates. He's constantly stressed and upset.

 

I really don't know what to do. I feel bad for him, but I'm also really unhappy and resentful 

[Acacia98]

38 minutes ago, starla33 said:

Our relationship is fine when he has a job, but when he is unemployed he has no time to put any work into it so i feel like we are roommates. 

This was the bit that stuck out to me. I can't help wondering: why wouldn't he have time for your relationship when unemployed?

Some things you might want to ask yourself: how different would your life have been if you'd been single and supporting yourself during the three years? Significantly different? Less work/pain/stress?

Also, is there something additional he could have done during the three years to make your life easier and reduce your resentment?

[schlumpy]

Sounds like things are going to blow up.

Is your condition permanent in that today's medicine has done what they can for you? Pain takes a toll.

Are layoffs common in your husbands occupation? Some jobs are somewhat seasonal like landscaping.

Do you feel resentment because You have to work while he's home or because in your opinion he isn't trying all that hard to get a job?

From what little bit you wrote it seemed to me like it was everything. The job, the pain, his surly attitude and lack of employment. Do you hate where you live? That could add to the resentment.

It feels like you are ready to give up? Does he know that or are you sending him spouse signals he is failing to read.

First I would try talking to him and letting him know without reservation how serious you are. No shouting please. Just have a nice reasoned conversation over a pot of coffee. Come to the table with some ideas on how to improve things. Don't just demand he fix the marriage or himself. You two are team.

I know it's easy for me say since I'm retired but there are lots of places that are hiring that can tied you over until he can get the job he wants. I just go employment ads from Amazon and UPS the other day. We all want to work the job we like but in this situation you must take what you can get.

Improving your financial situation should be a prelude to improving your marriage. It much easier to be satisfied and happy when you don't have to play which bill do we pay this month.

Counseling would help but it costs money. Most church leaders have training along these lines. Give them a try until you can afford your own.

[starla33]

Yes my chronic pain condition is probably forever. As far as him getting a random job right now goes... It wouldn't be worth it. The industry he's in pays a lot and he needs to keep studying for the tests they give in the interviews. 

 

I just feel exhausted I try to be supportive but I'm also infuriated. I literally cry at work sometimes because I'm in so much pain(I work from home) . I don't want to take time off because I need to keep my job. We were just going to therapy but since he lost his job and insurance our therapist is out of network with my insurance so we can't afford them right now.

He feels awful that it's always so difficult for him to find a job, but all he does all day is look for one. Which is great dedication... But our relationship has suffered so much these past 3 years I really don't know.  

I think i would have been happier single. I wouldn't have had to be worried about living with someone that consistently was stressed and grumpy. I would have been able to spend my money on fun things instead of having it go to all the bills and saving since last time he was unemployed for so long that unemployment benefits ran out

Edited October 3, 2020 by starla33

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You've been unhappy/frustrated with him since before you got married. Are you from different cultures or socioeconomic backgrounds?

You both need to see your doctors to address pain, moods, lassitude, etc. Individual therapy would help also.  Did you have premarital counselling? Well it's time for marriage counselling now if you continue to resent and kick around the idea of divorce. Divorce won't magically solve your chronic pain or financial stress.

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, starla33 said:

Yes my chronic pain condition is probably forever. As far as him getting a random job right now goes... It wouldn't be worth it. The industry he's in pays a lot and he needs to keep studying for the tests they give in the interviews. 

 

I just feel exhausted I try to be supportive but I'm also infuriated. I literally cry at work sometimes because I'm in so much pain(I work from home) . I don't want to take time off because I need to keep my job. We were just going to therapy but since he lost his job and insurance our therapist is out of network with my insurance so we can't afford them right now.

He feels awful that it's always so difficult for him to find a job, but all he does all day is look for one. Which is great dedication... But our relationship has suffered so much these past 3 years I really don't know.  

I think i would have been happier single. I wouldn't have had to be worried about living with someone that consistently was stressed and grumpy. I would have been able to spend my money on fun things instead of having it go to all the bills and saving since last time he was unemployed for so long that unemployment benefits ran out

So if you were single you would not longer be in Pain? You would no longer get billed for therapy? You could spend your money the way you want instead of on bills? Would you be living with your parents? You would be happier because he isn't around.

I think things are just not turning out the way you want. You expected something different. 

Is your pain problem before or after the marriage?

If you are not longer in love with your husband you don't need more of an excuse to leave or get a divorce then that. A trial separation might work for you but he may not agree with it which means it would go right to divorce.

Your situation seems untenable with no real solution.

It might be that your husband would welcome  the surrender of the marriage. He may be tired of it too.