introuble2020 Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 Evening everyone, I was just wondering what everyone’s views are on staying friends with someone you have had an affair with? I was in an affair with a MM for 5 months (I’m in a 5 year relationship) and each time I tried to end it, he’d say, “Let’s be friends.” We’d be friends but then he’d keep flirting and he’d talk to me and message like we were still ‘together’. One time he sent me a picture of the bed we were in and said, “Remember this bed?” This was after I said I didn’t want to continue with the affair and wanted to be just friends. Is this him manipulating me? I ended it for good on Friday and he waited for a week before messaging me. The longest we have never been in touch. It said...I’m not expecting a reply. I hope you’re ok...and that's all I saw because I didn’t open it up. When I ended it he said please give me one last chance to be your friend. They’ll be no more flirting etc. This was after me clearly saying I’m miserable in the affair and expressing how it’s not fair on our partners. Why will he not give up contacting me? We have tried the friends route several times and it would be going well but then he would initiate physical contact...like a hug or stroke of the leg etc. He also still wanted to call me every day and still see me as much as before. It still felt like we were ‘together’ I was very upset and cried when I finally pulled the plug, so he should have known it was over. To be honest he seemed more concerned that his wife was going to see me all upset when she came home from work. I only ever stayed his friend because I liked his company and we got on so well. I used to think I could be friends with him. I know I can’t now because it distracts me - him being in my life and I want to focus on the relationship with my partner. I know what I’ve done is wrong and I never want to be that horrible person again. It was all so toxic. I feel like he’s manipulating me by trying to get back in my life as a friend and then sit next to me and be all affectionate -cuddling up. I couldn’t push him away, partly because old habits die hard I guess. We didn’t have sex, just were affectionate. While we were friends, there was a film we watched where someone told someone they loved a girl and wanted to marry them and have babies. He then started nudging me. Maybe I was selfish thinking we can be friends. I’d say, “You’re married!” every time he said he wanted to marry me etc. Is he being selfish for trying to hold on? Is he just trying to have sex? Why isn’t he feeling guilty about his wife of 25 years? I did the whole time and expressed this throughout. He never did. I really thought I loved him at one point but have realised I do not and I was in affair fog. I told him that I could never be with him properly, for lots of reasons, but he still wanted to be friends. I just want to forget the affair ever happened. Has anyone ever been in this situation? What is the best way forward to end this for good? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 Seems like more tricks and games and stringing you along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 5 minutes ago, introuble2020 said: I was just wondering what everyone’s views are on staying friends with someone you have had an affair with? That's like asking a stalker if he/she wants to remain friends despite the restraining order. It is both foolish and dangerous to even consider. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 3, 2020 Share Posted October 3, 2020 My guess would be he's trying to continue the affair (in all aspects - sexual, emotional, friendship/companionship, etc). I think many people would consider "staying friends" TO BE continuing the affair. Certainly he doesn't seem able to "stay friends" without crossing significant and obvious boundaries. I think a clean break/full NC is the best option from many perspectives (emotional well being, actually ending the affair, reducing discovery risk and other risks, etc). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 If you want to focus on your relationship with your boyfriend why would you even be thinking of keeping your AP as a friend. It's simply another layer of disrespect to him, whether he knows about your affair or not. What it shows is where your boyfriend ranks in your list of priorities and it's obviously still below this MM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
C52 Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 If you're sure you're over MM, then send him the following to any future texts: "I noticed you didn't cc your wife on this text. Please do so in future or I'll do it myself". I know he could challenge you with the same treatment re your bf but it's a chance you'll have to take if you're resolved to end it with finality. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 No, you can't be friends with this jerk. The best thing you can do is just not respond. No dramatic final messages. Just ... don't play the game anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 Why do you care what his motivation is? Sorry to be so blunt, but the bigger issue is how you could carry on this LTA while you were in a committed relationship yourself. You have some work to do on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 On 10/3/2020 at 4:18 PM, introuble2020 said: Is he being selfish for trying to hold on? Yes, very selfish. In much the same way that he behaved very selfishly during your affair. He wasn’t concerned with his wife’s feelings during the affair/he felt no guilt... He is not concerned about what’s best for you/respecting your decision to end the affair. Do you see the correlation? Quote What is the best way forward to end this for good? No contact seems to be the only way... it seems you know this already. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 Do you think it’s a good idea for a recovering alcoholic to hang out in a bar? 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 23 minutes ago, jah526 said: Do you think it’s a good idea for a recovering alcoholic to hang out in a bar? 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 On 10/4/2020 at 5:18 AM, introuble2020 said: What is the best way forward to end this for good? No contact, block, delete and don't engage. Intentionally go out of your way to avoid him and avoid potentially putting yourself in a position where he could reach you or talk to you. If he calls you with another no, the moment you recognise his voice, say sorry, we shouldn't be talking, bye and hang up. Or just hang up altogether without saying anything. As for his motives and what not, I would say don't even entertain those questions, don't focus on, think about, analyze, dissect what he meant or why. Don't give him anymore headspace. The longer you spend wondering and thinking, the longer you will stay stuck and the more time, energy and focus you and MM will be continuing to steal from your respective relationship/marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author introuble2020 Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 10 hours ago, assertives said: No contact, block, delete and don't engage. Intentionally go out of your way to avoid him and avoid potentially putting yourself in a position where he could reach you or talk to you. If he calls you with another no, the moment you recognise his voice, say sorry, we shouldn't be talking, bye and hang up. Or just hang up altogether without saying anything. As for his motives and what not, I would say don't even entertain those questions, don't focus on, think about, analyze, dissect what he meant or why. Don't give him anymore headspace. The longer you spend wondering and thinking, the longer you will stay stuck and the more time, energy and focus you and MM will be continuing to steal from your respective relationship/marriage. The NC continues...it’s been 10 days now except the message he sent that I didn’t read. I have deleted his number and blocked him so he can’t contact me again. Part of me is worried he’s going to show up at my house or call me on another phone, like he has in the past but I don’t think he will because of his wife and the risk of it all coming out. I’m looking back reflecting now...thinking how manipulative he was, worming his way back in my life every time I pulled away. I definitely have low self esteem which has got me in this mess. I need to get some counselling to work out why I did this. One thing is for sure, is that I will never cheat again. It’s just not worth it. I’m not sure how to deal with this guilt but I’m just trying to forget and work on being the best gf I can be to my partner. I just hope I don’t bump into him anywhere. I want to block it all out... I told a good friend about it all and it felt good to get it off my chest. I realise that the affair had power over me because it was a secret. I wish I had told someone sooner now. 17 hours ago, BaileyB said: Yes, very selfish. In much the same way that he behaved very selfishly during your affair. He wasn’t concerned with his wife’s feelings during the affair/he felt no guilt... He is not concerned about what’s best for you/respecting your decision to end the affair. Do you see the correlation? No contact seems to be the only way... it seems you know this already. You are right...Of course he doesn’t care about my feelings. Why would he when he’s a selfish person? I am too I may add but I saw the light and said that I felt guilty but he never did. Not once. He said he wanted to actually be with me properly and wanted to marry me, saw me as his real wife etc. He sent me links to houses and told me he’d saved some money up for us to buy a house. If only know him a few months! Who says such things?! The weirdest thing was him saying he loved me once but then putting photos up of him and his wife in the hot tub on social media. That was really messed up...the entire thing was. I said just go and be happy with your wife and leave me alone and he said he was really upset I’d ‘ended it’ and that I’d led him on! This was after he was gushing about his wedding anniversary and loading the photos in the hot tub. He’s clearly a bad man as I am a bad woman. I know it takes two. I feel terrible all the time and it’s constantly on my mind. Why did I do this? I guess counselling will help. He really got under my skin, clearly. What was I thinking?! Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) 41 minutes ago, introuble2020 said: I’m not sure how to deal with this guilt but I’m just trying to forget and work on being the best gf I can be to my partner. I just hope I don’t bump into him anywhere. I want to block it all out... I told a good friend about it all and it felt good to get it off my chest. I realise that the affair had power over me because it was a secret. I wish I had told someone sooner now. People will do what they need to in order to help process their feelings. That said, IF you truly intend to not let your BF know about this, I think telling your friend was a mistake. "Loose lips sink ships" and you just created a submarine. If you think friends never have major fallings out, never spread rumors about things they were entrusted with in confidence, never turn corners in terms of their personal morals with respect to things like this, or never ever simply stir up drama just for the sake of it without regards to the impact on others - well, I've got a bridge to sell you. You mention feeling very guilty; I've seen people like that on this board decide they need to tell. Not sure if that is you, but there are pros and cons to both telling AND not telling. If you haven't made up your mind yet, my thought would be to not sabotage yourself by continuing to discuss this with folks where anonymity is not guaranteed. Edited October 5, 2020 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 2 hours ago, introuble2020 said: The NC continues...it’s been 10 days now except the message he sent that I didn’t read. I have deleted his number and blocked him so he can’t contact me again. Part of me is worried he’s going to show up at my house or call me on another phone, like he has in the past but I don’t think he will because of his wife and the risk of it all coming out. I’m looking back reflecting now...thinking how manipulative he was, worming his way back in my life every time I pulled away. I definitely have low self esteem which has got me in this mess. I need to get some counselling to work out why I did this. One thing is for sure, is that I will never cheat again. It’s just not worth it. I’m not sure how to deal with this guilt but I’m just trying to forget and work on being the best gf I can be to my partner. I just hope I don’t bump into him anywhere. I want to block it all out... I told a good friend about it all and it felt good to get it off my chest. I realise that the affair had power over me because it was a secret. I wish I had told someone sooner now. You are right...Of course he doesn’t care about my feelings. Why would he when he’s a selfish person? I am too I may add but I saw the light and said that I felt guilty but he never did. Not once. He said he wanted to actually be with me properly and wanted to marry me, saw me as his real wife etc. He sent me links to houses and told me he’d saved some money up for us to buy a house. If only know him a few months! Who says such things?! The weirdest thing was him saying he loved me once but then putting photos up of him and his wife in the hot tub on social media. That was really messed up...the entire thing was. I said just go and be happy with your wife and leave me alone and he said he was really upset I’d ‘ended it’ and that I’d led him on! This was after he was gushing about his wedding anniversary and loading the photos in the hot tub. He’s clearly a bad man as I am a bad woman. I know it takes two. I feel terrible all the time and it’s constantly on my mind. Why did I do this? I guess counselling will help. He really got under my skin, clearly. What was I thinking?! Watch YouTube videos on this technique, called "Grey Rocking." It will help you get over your affair partner, so that you can focus on your relationship with your current boyfriend. Otherwise do the right thing and break up with your boyfriend if you are so addicted to your affair partner that you know you'll take him back eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Syd8 Posted October 10, 2020 Share Posted October 10, 2020 I was the OM. I tried to stay friends with her and it worked out for awhile. I still think of her and every year I call her on her birthday but she never answers so I leave a voicemail. I wish we could've at least worked a friendship out but things don't ever work out how we want them. Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted October 10, 2020 Share Posted October 10, 2020 Heed the wise words of Lord Byron: "A mistress never is nor can be a friend. While you agree you are lovers and when it's over, anything but friends..." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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