How can some people be this crazy?

[Negotaurus]

I’m just wondering. How do some people manage to push themselves so deep into denial? How are some so delusional? 
 

My ex cheated on me and insisted that he was the victim. 
 

He hit me and told me I earned it, then went on a rant about how difficult it is for him. 
 

He stole my phone and accused me of fraud, I had to contact the police to get it back. 
 

He lied to me the entire time I knew him, and accused me of being crazy when I was hurt when the truth started coming out. 
 

I am making very short statements, but I hope you know that there is a lot of context and depth to all of it. The emotional torture and gaslighting, I don’t really know how to put it into words. 
 

How do some people do this? How are they so crazy and delusional? Talking to him, it’s like he truly believed the bs coming out of his mouth. He called me horrid names after stealing my things, after lying, and so on. Just, how. How can somebody do this. I’ve done horrible things myself but I never twist the truth. I own up to what I have done. I don’t blame others for my actions. Is it cowardice and weakness? 

Edited October 4, 2020 by Negotaurus

[GeorgiaPeach1]

It's not that people like that are delusional, it's that they know others with low self-esteem and not many dating options will tolerate the games and allow themselves to be used. 

[Wiseman2]

Read up on abusive relationships. You should have pressed charges when he hit you. Hopefully you have completely extricated yourself from this situation.

Block and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Get a restraining order.

 

[schlumpy]

This is more about you then him. He is easily explained away as self-centered and a user. You can't have love with no respect and he had none for you.

You on the other hand allowed this to happen. I do hope for your sake this is not a pattern in your choices for an SO. If it is get thee self into therapy ASAP and work on understanding why you are attracted to men who treat you badly.

Choose the boring guy next time.

[salparadise]

Which one of you do you believe was delusional?

I'm sure you are referring to him, however, once you discovered that he was a cheater, liar, and physically abusive... do you not think it was delusional on your part to fail to see him for who he is? A rational person would be through the nearest exit at the first sign of any of these, but you apparently stuck around for the full treatment.

In homeopathy the word delusion is used differently than our generic usage... we presume that only highly inaccurate perceptions are delusions, but homeopathy presumes that everyone has their own unique delusion. In other words, our individual perception of reality is our delusion. No one is capable of true objectivity. 

I am not minimizing your suffering, and I empathize with your emotional trauma, but I'm pointing out that there isn't a whole lot of space between the abuser and the codependent that enables it. They're two sides of the same coin. Now that you know what it was on his side, it would be more productive for you to focus on the question of why you were susceptible and stayed around long enough for the full treatment.

Edited October 4, 2020 by salparadise

[mark clemson]

7 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

Talking to him, it’s like he truly believed the bs coming out of his mouth. He called me horrid names after stealing my things, after lying, and so on. Just, how. How can somebody do this. I’ve done horrible things myself but I never twist the truth. I own up to what I have done. I don’t blame others for my actions. Is it cowardice and weakness? 

Possibly this particular Ex had a personality disorder.

I would note that MANY people in the world truly believe the BS coming out of their mouths, in all walks of life and a variety of contexts.

[SumGuy]

On 10/4/2020 at 6:24 AM, Negotaurus said:

...

I am making very short statements, but I hope you know that there is a lot of context and depth to all of it. The emotional torture and gaslighting, I don’t really know how to put it into words. 
 

How do some people do this? How are they so crazy and delusional? Talking to him, it’s like he truly believed the bs coming out of his mouth. He called me horrid names after stealing my things, after lying, and so on. Just, how. How can somebody do this. I’ve done horrible things myself but I never twist the truth. I own up to what I have done. I don’t blame others for my actions. Is it cowardice and weakness? 

Oh I know all too well the depth of context.

By my definitions it is cowardice and weakness, and many other things if not outright evil (evil can often be pretty banal in presentation).

Look into cluster B personality disorders and also sociopaths.   The former believe their own lies and tales spun from whole cloth, that is why they are such good liars.  Sociopaths (a far broader category than just the criminal ones people often think of) just have zero shame, or ability to feel like others, for them it is all about power, control, so they have no problem lying to you with a straight face and believing it as the only "truth" in their mind is that which gives them a sense of power. 

Also realize that (1) his behavior is text book abuser behavior, there is even an acronym for it DARVO, and (2) he is unlikely to ever change as cluster Bs and especially sociopaths see nothing wrong with themselves and actually think people with a sense of shame or conscious are weak, losers and fools.  Now a sociopath can well pretend to be "caring" to get what they want and mimic the right words but can't sustain with actions; a cluster B can well go to therapy in a search for why it is everyone else's fault.

So you are likely looking at what many would call mental illness; my view though is my sympathy for another's mental illness ends where their abuse of me begins.

[stillafool]

That's why he's your ex OP and no longer your worry.

[Negotaurus]

 

On 10/4/2020 at 5:16 PM, salparadise said:

Which one of you do you believe was delusional?

I'm sure you are referring to him, however, once you discovered that he was a cheater, liar, and physically abusive... do you not think it was delusional on your part to fail to see him for who he is? A rational person would be through the nearest exit at the first sign of any of these, but you apparently stuck around for the full treatment.

In homeopathy the word delusion is used differently than our generic usage... we presume that only highly inaccurate perceptions are delusions, but homeopathy presumes that everyone has their own unique delusion. In other words, our individual perception of reality is our delusion. No one is capable of true objectivity. 

I am not minimizing your suffering, and I empathize with your emotional trauma, but I'm pointing out that there isn't a whole lot of space between the abuser and the codependent that enables it. They're two sides of the same coin. Now that you know what it was on his side, it would be more productive for you to focus on the question of why you were susceptible and stayed around long enough for the full treatment.

 

On 10/4/2020 at 2:47 PM, schlumpy said:

This is more about you then him. He is easily explained away as self-centered and a user. You can't have love with no respect and he had none for you.

You on the other hand allowed this to happen. I do hope for your sake this is not a pattern in your choices for an SO. If it is get thee self into therapy ASAP and work on understanding why you are attracted to men who treat you badly.

Choose the boring guy next time.

I truly know where you are coming from and I absolutely take accountability for staying, I know what I have done and I know why and how I managed to stay. I truly believe I was so traumatised that I also pushed myself into denial. I wanted to hold onto anything that would maybe make me feel better. This clusterf*ck of a relationship, I am sorry for the expression, was what I held onto, out of false hope, false beliefs and denial. I always thought better of him. After getting my family's support, I finally saw it for what it is, I was definitely delusional too, but not at the expense of others. Only at the expense of myself. And this is why I made this post - I cannot understand how people are so oblivious to the pain they cause to others. If I wish to hurt myself, I'm a fool. But all this was just cruel. 

Edited October 6, 2020 by Negotaurus

[Negotaurus]

13 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Oh I know all too well the depth of context.

By my definitions it is cowardice and weakness, and many other things if not outright evil (evil can often be pretty banal in presentation).

Look into cluster B personality disorders and also sociopaths.   The former believe their own lies and tales spun from whole cloth, that is why they are such good liars.  Sociopaths (a far broader category than just the criminal ones people often think of) just have zero shame, or ability to feel like others, for them it is all about power, control, so they have no problem lying to you with a straight face and believing it as the only "truth" in their mind is that which gives them a sense of power. 

Also realize that (1) his behavior is text book abuser behavior, there is even an acronym for it DARVO, and (2) he is unlikely to ever change as cluster Bs and especially sociopaths see nothing wrong with themselves and actually think people with a sense of shame or conscious are weak, losers and fools.  Now a sociopath can well pretend to be "caring" to get what they want and mimic the right words but can't sustain with actions; a cluster B can well go to therapy in a search for why it is everyone else's fault.

So you are likely looking at what many would call mental illness; my view though is my sympathy for another's mental illness ends where their abuse of me begins.

I just hope that something will change for him. I don't know if it's realistic but I really hope he will find true peace and honest happiness. What you described resonated very well, it can't be normal, whatever it is. But I can't imagine what it's like to live like that. Angry, delusional, entitled. It must be exhausting. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

I just hope that something will change for him. I don't know if it's realistic but I really hope he will find true peace and honest happiness. What you described resonated very well, it can't be normal, whatever it is. But I can't imagine what it's like to live like that. Angry, delusional, entitled. It must be exhausting. 

It's exhausting to be in an abusive relationship. Have you gotten out of it yet?

[Negotaurus]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's exhausting to be in an abusive relationship. Have you gotten out of it yet?

Yes I have. I don't think I have quite realised it yet but I am sure it will hit me soon. 

[SumGuy]

9 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

I just hope that something will change for him. I don't know if it's realistic but I really hope he will find true peace and honest happiness. What you described resonated very well, it can't be normal, whatever it is. But I can't imagine what it's like to live like that. Angry, delusional, entitled. It must be exhausting. 

If he is either on the cluster B spectrum or sociopathic it is very, very, very unlikely he will ever change.   He may get better at the manipulation and mimicking empathy, but that is about it.  Of those who have changed, that is realized something was wrong and sought help, I've read it is not a fun place to be but most never do seek help.  These are disorders designed to deny themselves I've read. 

[Weezy1973]

Try looking at the definitions of the cluster “B” personality disorders. I’m guessing he fits. He does believe his lies which is what’s maddening.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

I just hope that something will change for him. I don't know if it's realistic but I really hope he will find true peace and honest happiness. 

He won't. Abusers get a huge ego thrill, pay off and power trip from hitting, mentally and physically abusing you. Stop hoping he'll change, stop trying to make excuses looking for mental illness to give him a free pass to be sadistic. 

Being an abuser and mental illness are coincidental, not causal. It doesn't matter if he's on every page of the DSM5, he's an abuser and that's all you need to know to move forward. Stop wasting time trying to figure him out. Figure You out. None of this is your fault, but you need to find peace and closure and healing. Focus on that.

[spiderowl]

Please don’t blame yourself. You crossed paths with an abuser and probable sociopath. They have something wrong with them.

Now you know what these people are like, hopefully you will avoid them in future. It is easy to say you should have known better and how to react, but we learn from experience and this was your experience. I am sorry you had to deal with this. Know that you are worth so much more.