askls Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 This guy has left me 5 times now, by either ghosting or saying he doesn’t want a relationship. He came back saying he wants a relationship with me and that he can’t wait to spend time with me and go on vacations with me. He told me he wants me to be able to spend unlimited time with him. He told me I make him nervous because I’m so smart and he can’t understand why I like him. But we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend the same night I first saw him again. The next day, I went away with family, and had to stay longer than planned due to an emergency (was there nearly 2 weeks). During the two weeks, he was quick to respond and even somewhat flirty. He also brought up taking me to the beach. I got anxious one night towards the end of the trip, so I double texted him. I asked for reassurance that he wouldn’t lose interest with me being gone so long, he reassured me. He told me he understands my feelings but to try not to worry. When I got back, I saw him. He seemed excited and said we should go to the beach for his birthday (the following week). He did mention he’d have to check with his dad first. The next day went by and he texted but said he was having a busy work day. Two days later I mentioned in a text how I can’t wait to go to the beach with him. He told me he hopes we can still go but needs to work some things out. Later, he said he doesn’t want to go when his dad’s there but said we’ll go at some point. We hung out that night, but only while he ran errands. He didn’t want me to come over afterwards. The next day he basically canceled the beach plans, saying we’d have to wait since his dad was supposed to be there. I said okay and carried on. On the weekend, I had another trip to go on for a wedding, and we were supposed to have lunch together before I left but he canceled that so I asked if I could give him a kiss before I left. He hadn’t answered me in 5 hours so I called. At that point, he took his ‘last active’ status setting off Facebook (even though I had never mentioned Facebook at all). He then texted me a little later, so I told him I worried he was fading, and was getting a little emotional. He went on with the conversation like normal, but kind of just disregarded what I said and didn’t really want to hear more about that. I saw him again Tuesday after, he brought me to the grocery store with him. On the ride there he brought up an (unofficial) ex who had hurt him by disappearing at times and not being truthful. He said how he doesn’t like spending so much time with another person because of what happened with her. This was different from what he said a few weeks ago. So I asked if he no longer wanted me to be his girlfriend but he said he did, but that he doesn’t want to get bored of me so we need to find balance. The next day was his birthday, and I didn’t get to see him even though he had said the night before that there was a possibility I might. The day after that he seemed to be texting more and we hung at his house. One topic came up about seeing each other, and I half-jokingly said how I wasn’t able to make plans with him because I felt like he was in control, and said something about how he cancels at times. That night he wasn’t very cuddly after sex. Friday we ran errands but he wanted me to go home after because he had a game to play. Then he was distant that weekend so I asked if he was still interested. I told him I’m fine with only a couple texts a day and seeing him twice a week. He got back to me saying that while he likes me and enjoys hanging it, he keeps finding himself not wanting to be in a relationship and is a happier person without one. He also said he doesn’t want to deal with the stress of building deep relationships, and having to worry about dumb things. He said he doesn’t enjoy being in a relationship as much as he thinks he would like to. He ended it saying we should just be friends, and we can go on walks/run errands together here and then. He is now at the beach by himself. Do you think I ruined it by overthinking or being too needy? Also, do you think he will be back at some point? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 No you personally didn't ruin anything. He lied about his intentions from the start. He never took you on a date but was happy to enjoy the sex you provided. Never wanting to spend time with you and barely keeping in touch. He used you as a FWB for as long as he needed. It's time to cut him lose, block him and move on. Let a guy properly date you before you give in to sex with them. Demand respect and you'll get it. Don't be afraid to lose a guy because there are plenty more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 4, 2020 Share Posted October 4, 2020 4 hours ago, askls said: This guy has left me 5 times now, by either ghosting or saying he doesn’t want a relationship We hung out that night, but only while he ran errands. I saw him again Tuesday after, he brought me to the grocery store with him. he said he did, but that he doesn’t want to get bored of me so we need to find balance. Friday we ran errands but he wanted me to go home after because he had a game to play. He got back to me saying that while he likes me and enjoys hanging it, he keeps finding himself not wanting to be in a relationship and is a happier person without one. Sorry to hear this. This is not even dating no less a relationship. Tagging along while grocery shopping is not dating. he has been clear about not wanting anything but sex and casual communication. He treats you as a disposable entity and with great disrespect. There was nothing to "ruin", he just doesn't care. Dump him. Find someone to date meaning going out on dates, not errands and sex. Someone who treats you with respect and doesn't cancel, jerk you around or make you grovel for a morsel of attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) What I'm confused about is that in the first few weeks (each time this happens), he will text me frequently throughout the day, and I get used to it. But then it slows down, and that's when it's hard for me to tell if he's just not a big texter or just not into the relationship. Edited October 5, 2020 by askls Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry to hear this. This is not even dating no less a relationship. Tagging along while grocery shopping is not dating. he has been clear about not wanting anything but sex and casual communication. He treats you as a disposable entity and with great disrespect. There was nothing to "ruin", he just doesn't care. Dump him. Find someone to date meaning going out on dates, not errands and sex. Someone who treats you with respect and doesn't cancel, jerk you around or make you grovel for a morsel of attention. I always feel like I'm the one who messes things up with him by being clingy because in the beginning (for a week or two) things are amazing, and he texts me frequently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 16 hours ago, stillafool said: No you personally didn't ruin anything. He lied about his intentions from the start. He never took you on a date but was happy to enjoy the sex you provided. Never wanting to spend time with you and barely keeping in touch. He used you as a FWB for as long as he needed. It's time to cut him lose, block him and move on. Let a guy properly date you before you give in to sex with them. Demand respect and you'll get it. Don't be afraid to lose a guy because there are plenty more. In the beginning he kept in touch very often, so I just obsess over the fact that I was maybe too clingy when I sensed a change. Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 (edited) Somebody who waffles like that and breaks dates is either on the rebound or crazy. To have a good relationship you need someone who is sane and ready. Edited October 5, 2020 by Fletch Lives Link to post Share on other sites
Ellener Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 23 hours ago, askls said: Do you think I ruined it by overthinking or being too needy? No. How could you- he's all about him! How old is he? He went home to play a game?! 23 hours ago, askls said: Also, do you think he will be back at some point? I'm sure he will, to confuse you some more with his ongoing conversation about himself, and for sex. These 'almost-relationships' seem so delicious, such intensity, briefly. Such promise always dangling just out of reach. But very frustrating, and ultimately, why bother. There's plenty more interesting things/people to be into. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 2 hours ago, Ellener said: No. How could you- he's all about him! How old is he? He went home to play a game?! I'm sure he will, to confuse you some more with his ongoing conversation about himself, and for sex. These 'almost-relationships' seem so delicious, such intensity, briefly. Such promise always dangling just out of reach. But very frustrating, and ultimately, why bother. There's plenty more interesting things/people to be into. He's 30. I think that's one of the more heartbreaking parts about it...that it's always just out of reach. Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Somebody who waffles like that and breaks dates is either on the rebound or crazy. To have a good relationship you need someone who is sane and ready. He said to stay "sane" it's better if he's not in a relationship with me, just friends. Is that more about me or him? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 30 minutes ago, askls said: He said to stay "sane" it's better if he's not in a relationship with me, just friends. Is that more about me or him? Wow that was a mean thing for him to say. It means having you as a gf makes him crazy. It's an insult to you. Don't count on the friend part, be done with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 1 minute ago, stillafool said: Wow that was a mean thing for him to say. It means having you as a gf makes him crazy. It's an insult to you. Don't count on the friend part, be done with him. Do you think my actions could really make a person crazy? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 What type of "actions"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: What type of "actions"? Just like what I described. Being clingy I guess Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. He is using that "crazy" excuse to get out of the relationship. There was nothing more you could do to keep him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 9 minutes ago, stillafool said: Look, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. He is using that "crazy" excuse to get out of the relationship. There was nothing more you could do to keep him. Thanks that makes me feel a little better ha Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 On 10/4/2020 at 11:29 PM, askls said: I saw him again Tuesday after, he brought me to the grocery store with him. On the ride there he brought up an (unofficial) ex who had hurt him by disappearing at times and not being truthful. He said how he doesn’t like spending so much time with another person because of what happened with her. I feel this is the bit that explains a lot. If he's worried about an intimate partner just disappearing, he's going to try and avoid getting too attached which is what I can sort of see in his behaviour. So to answer the question, no you didn't ruin it. These are his issues to work through. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 22 hours ago, askls said: What I'm confused about is that in the first few weeks (each time this happens), he will text me frequently throughout the day, and I get used to it. But then it slows down, and that's when it's hard for me to tell if he's just not a big texter or just not into the relationship. Was this before you had sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 1 hour ago, snowboy91 said: I feel this is the bit that explains a lot. If he's worried about an intimate partner just disappearing, he's going to try and avoid getting too attached which is what I can sort of see in his behaviour. So to answer the question, no you didn't ruin it. These are his issues to work through. After he sent me the final text, I told him I love him and if I could choose any one in the world to be with, I'd still choose him. I also said that at the same time I can't allow myself to keep being hurt if he is never going to love and respect me back. I genuinely feel these things after knowing him so long (about 4.5 years), but I'm afraid he won't believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 5, 2020 Author Share Posted October 5, 2020 18 minutes ago, stillafool said: Was this before you had sex? We did stuff on the first night we got back together. It is kind of like we are magnets to each other in that way...But then I was gone for two weeks, we had full-blown sex, and the day after is when I first started feeling a difference (even though he said he was busy with work that day). Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 5 hours ago, askls said: We did stuff on the first night we got back together. It is kind of like we are magnets to each other in that way...But then I was gone for two weeks, we had full-blown sex, and the day after is when I first started feeling a difference (even though he said he was busy with work that day). yeah he got the sex and that was that.. Why are you still thinking about him, he told you being with you will not keep him sane.. don't have as a friend, and just block him on all available contact way and go NC 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 5 hours ago, askls said: After he sent me the final text, I told him I love him and if I could choose any one in the world to be with, I'd still choose him. I also said that at the same time I can't allow myself to keep being hurt if he is never going to love and respect me back. I genuinely feel these things after knowing him so long (about 4.5 years), but I'm afraid he won't believe it. lol why would you tell someone that? why would you empower him like that, even if you love him and want to sacrifice your life for him, you don't tell someone like that about your true feelings. He is simply not worth it and until he proves his worth and stays constant in your life, he doesn't get such big words! Too much love to someone who doesn't deserve it at all! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 11 hours ago, askls said: We did stuff on the first night we got back together. It is kind of like we are magnets to each other in that way...But then I was gone for two weeks, we had full-blown sex, and the day after is when I first started feeling a difference (even though he said he was busy with work that day). Ok, now that you know where you stand and sent him texts, you can delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. This way you can turn over a new leaf and start talking to and meeting men who reciprocate and act like they care about you. In the meantime read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You". This may help you identity time wasters and heartbreakers much sooner. Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 6, 2020 Author Share Posted October 6, 2020 6 hours ago, Noproblem said: yeah he got the sex and that was that.. Why are you still thinking about him, he told you being with you will not keep him sane.. don't have as a friend, and just block him on all available contact way and go NC Does it sound like the way I am would logically drive someone insane to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author askls Posted October 6, 2020 Author Share Posted October 6, 2020 6 hours ago, Noproblem said: lol why would you tell someone that? why would you empower him like that, even if you love him and want to sacrifice your life for him, you don't tell someone like that about your true feelings. He is simply not worth it and until he proves his worth and stays constant in your life, he doesn't get such big words! Too much love to someone who doesn't deserve it at all! I understand that haha. I guess I'd just rather him know. I just like to put it all out there, but I know that isn't good. Link to post Share on other sites
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