My parent tells me: You always flaunted your [ girlfriends/boyfriends ] in front of me ever since you were a teenager!

[elaine567]

Did you indeed flaunt your friends around your mother?
Young women can be very cruel to mothers.
Seems to me your mother had a very hard life and you lack empathy..
 

[mark clemson]

37 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Your poor mother was broken by this.   The experience has skewed her to the point where she relates to men in very unhealthy ways.     It's a credit to you that you've tried to help her all these years, but sometimes, people are so broken that they can't be fixed.  

+1 on this. Yes, it's weird. It may be somewhat normal for her to feel a bit attracted if you are bringing home desirable men, but sharing this with you or somehow bringing it into an argument as a "you did this to me to make me feel bad" item or similar is very odd.

My limited layman's understanding is that psychologically healing sexually abused persons is very complicated as their reactions and resulting issues can vary widely.

The best I can say to you is something you're already no doubt aware of - your mom could probably benefit from counseling or other psychological help. If she's aged to the point where "what would be the point" that's fair enough, but that's what her action actually signals. This "help" is IMO outside even an intelligent and knowledgeable layman's skills and most definitely best left to professionals. Even if you DID have qualifications and experience to do a good job, as a family member you would need to recuse yourself.

If it were me, I would FEEL mildly disturbed and put off by it and WOULD ATTEMPT to maintain my relationship with (in my case) my father without him bringing my sex life and/or GFs into it.

[Lookingforlasting]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this thread to explore your attraction to younger men? It's doubtful it's due to strained relationships or a bad childhood. It may just be your preference because of the stamina.

What?  No its nothing to do with younger men.

Edited October 6, 2020 by Lookingforlasting

[Lookingforlasting]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Did you indeed flaunt your friends around your mother?
Young women can be very cruel to mothers.
Seems to me your mother had a very hard life and you lack empathy..
 

No I did not flaunt anyone in front of my mother... why would I need to do that?  I loved my mother... she had a problem with me all these years I just didnt see it.  And yes I know she had a hard life... I always just wanted her to find a nice relationship.  As far as empathy... I wanted to kill my grandfather (the primary molester) when my mother told me he had molested her her entire childhood but he was already dead and listened to her talk and cry about it for hours over the years.  My mother has envy for all happy couples I also came to realize.

Edited October 6, 2020 by Lookingforlasting

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Did you indeed flaunt your friends around your mother?
Young women can be very cruel to mothers.
Seems to me your mother had a very hard life and you lack empathy..
 

For the mother to say that to her daughter in the first place, she would have to view her daughter as an equal in competition with her. And that is a very weird perspective for a mother to have regardless of what the daughter is allegedly doing. It's not a normal or healthy perspective for any parent to have of their child. And seeing as it's parents who raise their children and not the other way around, if anyone's going to be held accountable for the situation, it should be the parent.

[Dork Vader]

10 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Yes if you are male... it would be your father etc...

How we feel about it does not matter. What's important is how you feel. I would find it inappropriate and more than likely avoid introducing them to my girl friends. If they asked why, they would get told because you make inappropriate comments about them.

[healing light]

Me, personally? I legit wouldn't care. Grew up around hardcore verbal abuse so that would not elicit much of a response from me. 

From the sounds of it, your mother seems lonely and like she was triggered by the presence of your partners. Who knows whether she was attracted, could have been that she felt a bit competitive or jealous or cast aside as you grew your wings outside of her. Especially as she had toxic relationships in her family growing up with the molestation and then a presumably painful divorce. Would not be surprised by some of the other comments you listed if she was co-dependent and lived vicariously through you to a degree.

Not sure what therapy over a comment she made years ago could do for either one of you. If you hadn't brought it up to her, I bet she would have forgotten it over the course of 5 years. Sounds like she paid the price for it many times over when you cut her off completely.

 

[Lookingforlasting]

I also am very suspicious for various reasons she had or tried to have an affair with my first boyfriend. In one of our following conversations about the comment I asked her point blank if she had or tried to have an affair with him.  She paused then said "no" very sheepishly and could barely look at me.

[Ruby Slippers]

17 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I had told my mother when she made the comment I think she needed to talk to a counselor about it because she couldnt apologize (she said in one convo in a very mocking lame voice "What do you want? Do you want me to apologize?" and then said "I'm sorry" in a very fake mocking voice. FIVE years later my mother sent me an email that she was going to talk to a therapist about the comment she made to me.

I'm sorry your mother and by association you have been plagued with these heavy problems.

Is it possible to do a few counseling sessions together? It seems that she's tried to make amends, to the limits of her ability. A counselor can help guide the conversation between you in a gentle, positive way.

I was able to mend a very strained relationship with my dad after I did some counseling and self-work on my own. I wanted to do this so when he leaves this world, I'll be at peace knowing I did everything I could to heal past wounds, even though I wasn't the one inflicting them, and spend a little quality time with him. Older people are typically not as comfortable with therapy and self work. My dad did apologize when I told him a story about a past injury.

Now, while he still can be rather gruff, I know where my boundaries are and so does he. He hasn't behaved in an offensive way toward me in quite some time now, does his best to be a pleasant presence. As he ages and reflects on his life, he admits more of his mistakes, which is nice, creates a peaceful feeling that all is well.

[Lookingforlasting]

Ruby Slippers....as a poster on this thread said earlier they would feel creeped out if parent made the comments... that is exactly how I feel....way too weirded out to even be around her now.  Also my mother and sister were both quite mean to me growing up (for no reason) and my mother told me a while before her comments that my sister was jealous of me... which is so strange to me because my sister was the straight A student star child...although I never felt competitive with her... I was just different and not of the same level academically... I think primarily due to my emotional problems.

Something else I forgot to mention.....BOTH my mother and father (when I met him the one time) on separate occasions told me the other had molested my sister and I.

[Ruby Slippers]

So perhaps you should start with counseling for yourself. Are you doing that or would you consider it? If cost is a barrier, there are free and cheap options at church, humanitarian organizations, and the like.

[Lookingforlasting]

THanks I have been in therapy for quite a while actually.

[Lookingforlasting]

Ruby Slippers... I did not mean my post above in a snarky way... I was sincerely thanking you for the resources you suggested.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/4/2020 at 3:36 PM, Lookingforlasting said:

"You always flaunted your [ girlfriends/boyfriends ] in front of me ever since you were a teenager! " said very angrily almost yelling.

 

....    

Edited October 7, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/5/2020 at 2:39 PM, Lookingforlasting said:

My mother was molested her entire childhood by 3 family members.. that is the crux of her issues which I tried to help her with for 20 years and why, in part, I was so upset by her comment... I spent so much time trying to help her and she throws a disturbing comment like that at me.  I was a depressed kid after my parents divorced and my dad was gone overnight and my mother made it impossible for my father to contact me (ie, parental alienation)....it wasn't until I was 15 and had first boyfriend I started to come out of depression....I guess she couldnt stand that I was becoming happy :roll eyes:

She made other inappropriate comments about bfs...like I invited her to an event I was hosting to get her out of the house.  She responded "I dont want to sit alone though"  I told her she could sit with my bf who was also going.  She said "OH good I can flirt with him while youre on stage and you cant do anything about it"

That and other comments I used to just kind of brush off came back to memory full force after her weirdo comment and triggered my decision to distance. I also wrote off my sister (lives 3000 miles away) who only ever visited my mother 2xs in 20 years and was absolutely no help to me when I mentioned the comments she made.  My sister always had excuses why she couldnt come home for holidays.  I used to spend every holiday with my mother...just me and her because no family around... and then I would spend the rest of the time with friends.

 

I don't understand your logic:

 

She was "molested her entire childhood by 3 family members"    and clearly that is the root cause of HER OWN inappropriate (boundaries)  where it relates to sexuality in her own parent-child arena...  and instead of recognizing that uniqueness,  you throw it back at her and further punish her for her own upbringing.

 

If that sort of boundary issue took place in more typical  family settings (outside of the movie ~Valley Girl~ {I think it was} ) it is in those settings when severing family ties would be nearer to sensible.  In your case, you're just re-victimizing your own mother.

[Lookingforlasting]

I tried for 20 years to help my mother while she constantly made inappropriate comments.  Also, I dont know if you saw my post that both my parents told me in separate conversations that the other molested my sister and me.  And when I was 21 I had a flashback of my mother molesting me. I told the bf I was dating at the time (as it happened during sex and I was crying).  He was shocked and didnt believe me and convinced me I was making it up.  I ended up surpressing it all until something else in my 40s made me recall it.

And yes her molestation is the root of her problems and always recognized it and felt bad for her...even though my therapist said she shouldnt have told me about it when I was a teenager. I AM NOT THE PERSON WHO MOLESTED MY MOTHER!!!!  AND SHE MOLESTED ME!!!!  So yeah I dont think I need to feel bad about her inappropriate behavior toward me or spend any more time helping her or even being around her so TO HELL with your telling me I re-victimized her!!!!!!!   

I'm guessing most people if they had both parents accusing the other of having molested them might also ditch the whole F-ing family!!!  Oh and btw... one of the brothers that molested my mother tried to molest me... and my sister (I found out later).

 

Edited October 7, 2020 by Lookingforlasting

[Lookingforlasting]

On 10/5/2020 at 6:37 PM, elaine567 said:

Did you indeed flaunt your friends around your mother?
Young women can be very cruel to mothers.
Seems to me your mother had a very hard life and you lack empathy..
 

Why do you say I lack empathy??  I tried to help my mother for 20 years!!  My sister only ever came back home 3 times after she left at 19...I spent every holiday with my mother... always got her nice birthday and christmas gifts... meanwhile she more than likely molested me...seems to have tried or did have an affair with my first boyfriend when I was a teenager....also as part of her jealousy of me when I was asked to perform at a party of my sister's new friends she very angrily pushed me into my chair and told me "No I'm going up there!" She made sure my father could never contact me....referred to me as a slut when I was going to a movie with a guy who was just a friend..and I find IMs between her and a guy who was just a friend for many years that my mother told him "I should have dumped her in a woods when she was young".

Tell me.... would YOU still have empathy for your mother if she did those things to you????

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 10/8/2020 at 6:41 PM, Lookingforlasting said:

Why do you say I lack empathy??  I tried to help my mother for 20 years!! 

Oh my god...

 

first of all,  your "sister" is not a central part of ths equation in "2020".  Who cares if you did better than she did on a math test, or at pushing your mother's buttons?

 

Second, you are just shopping here to find the few who will give you whatever word jumble you want to hear, in order to let yourself somehow feel 'correct'.

 

To summarize what we've heard  read so far: 

 

Your mother might  have had an affair with one of your boyfriends

 

Your mother might  have abused you   (which of course would be further evidence that she was a "victim" long ago, and here you are blaming the victim )  (all you have is a 'mutual might'  but at any such nanosecond when one accepts "might" to be a given truth about your mother, she instantly supplies evidence that she was a *victim* herself)

 

You keep presenting all of this evidence that abuse may have, and/or did occur a generation before you, and yet you are still blaming your parents as if they were the original root perpetrators of this collective mess.

 

You claim to have tried  to help your mother  (and forgive me for perceiving that none of those "20 years" were when you were ages 3 to 13 or so, and going through your own trauma).  So I sense you to have been a reasoning adult during that 20 years of effort.     Somebody whose reasoning ability has drifted away from her.

 

And even the title of this thread is off...     why does the gender, or the sexual preference OF any such parent matter ??

 

If you want to actually help  your mother, then go and inspire her to therapy  and go there and sit beside her.

 

 

Edited October 10, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Excessive formatting.

[Lookingforlasting]

Sincereonlineguy.....

My sister never came around to help my mother or spend holidays with her probably because she didnt want to be around her...why else would she also refuse my mother's offer to even pay for flights all those years?  The reason I asked how others here would feel was to see if anyone had similar feelings to what  my mother said because after trying to discuss it with her a few times later she downplayed it like I shouldnt be upset about it...oontinued to acusse me of it and then said  "my mother said weird things to me!".   As far as the boyfriend...I have two very telling things that happened that I dont even want to get into that make me believe she had or at least tried to have an affair with him and clearly made comments to try to make me feel threatened or something about others.  As far as therapy... thats what I am talking about when I say I tried to help her for 20 years..I would send her things I would come across that I thought might help etc.

Sorry you seem to think my dropping contact with an abusive mother that has made me feel so uncomfortable I cant even be around them any more makes me a bad daughter.

[Lookingforlasting]

8 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Your mother might  have had an affair with one of your boyfriends

Your mother might  have abused you   (which of course would be further evidence that she was a "victim" long ago, and here you are blaming the victim )  (all you have is a 'mutual might'  but at any such nanosecond when one accepts "might" to be a given truth about your mother, she instantly supplies evidence that she was a *victim* herself)

You keep presenting all of this evidence that abuse may have, and/or did occur a generation before you, and yet you are still blaming your parents as if they were the original root perpetrators of this collective mess.

 

 

I have only told 2 people that in my life and 1 therapist.  And in my case given her extremely incestuous family, a flashback during sex, things I witnessed and heard regarding my bf and her comment that I always flaunted them and people's response that that is a really weird comment for a mother to make....but thanks.  And your rationale that because my mother had an abusive upbringing it makes it ok what she did to me and I shoulld just understand it and move on.....would you say that to a child who is being raped and that they will just have to live with it untl they are old enough to be on their own and able to understand and accept it?

Edited October 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed unsourced claim of fact and personal attack

[Lookingforlasting]

7 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

first of all,  your "sister" is not a central part of ths equation in "2020".  Who cares if you did better than she did on a math test, or at pushing your mother's buttons?

 

 

Pushing my mother's buttons? What buttons are you referring to?

[Lookingforlasting]

8 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Your mother might  have had an affair with one of your boyfriends

 

 

Forgot to add the GIANT red flag "You always flautned your bfs in front of me ever since you were a teenager!"   What mother in her right mind says that to her child??

 

[Lookingforlasting]

On 10/5/2020 at 1:38 PM, mark clemson said:

 

Why, exactly, if you don't mind me asking? As I'm sure you know, there are no actual RULES when it comes to feelings, particularly about something this odd.

Are you trying to justify your own reactions? Curious about the psychology of family wrt relationships? Writing a moving script?

Because my mother told me I was overreacting about it.

[Lookingforlasting]

How would you feel if in the middle of an argument your same sex parent all of a sudden very angrily and kind of shouting said "You always flaunted your girlfriends/boyfriend's in front of me ever since you were a teenager!"

Edited January 15, 2023 by Lookingforlasting

[Alpacalia]

I would think that my parent was off their rocker.