robaday Posted October 5, 2020 Share Posted October 5, 2020 I broke up with my gf a few months back, it was a serious relationship but the last few months of it were rocky. I saw a side to her I didn't think I could commit to long term even though I was in love. She essentially did not argue well and even minor disagreements escalated very fast to threats of a breakup. She would always make up with me after but after it happened maybe six times I lost a lot of confidence and didn't have the strength to continue. I really did love her, I wasn't perfect by any stretch and was at times lazy as a partner, but I didn't really do anything serious enough (at least in my mind) to warrant a threat to the relationship. She has tried to get me back several times and says she is working on herself. We have kept in touch off and on and it is amicable. It wasn't a question of feelings on my part that led me to breakup, I was still very much in love, just felt I couldn't take it anymore. Can people like this ever change? How can I rebuild my self esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 6, 2020 Share Posted October 6, 2020 Sorry to hear that. You're not compatible at all. How long have you been dating? Did you live together? Was this a committed relationship or were either of you coasting along? It's best to stop the excessive on/off fighting and get off this roller coaster for good. Make a clean break and set both of yourselves free from this toxic situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robaday Posted October 7, 2020 Author Share Posted October 7, 2020 We were together about a year and a half in a serious relationship, living together the last six months, no problems prior to moving in Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 7, 2020 Share Posted October 7, 2020 24 minutes ago, robaday said: no problems prior to moving in Unfortunately, there is your answer. It may be incompatibility but more likely, you do not want to commit, you fight about that, then you want to commit less. You'll have to decide whether to move out or keep going round and round on this impasse. Was her (mis) understanding of living together that is was a 'step' toward commitment, when it was in your mind more for convenience or a test drive. That is a very common battle. Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted October 30, 2020 Share Posted October 30, 2020 Threatening to end a relationship isn't emotionally healthy or mature. Whatever happened to her in the past has lead her to a spot where for whatever reason...she holds the relationship hostage and threatens abandonment to try and get you to react. That's not healthy for her or you or your (or any) relationship. It's great if she is working on herself but you identified a major issue and it's not worth the risk of giving her ANOTHER chance. You have to be compatible with the person they are NOW, not the person they could be. People who suffer from abandonment or threats of it as children often develop this behavior as a coping and self defense mechanism as adults. Until she addresses what ever events or patterns caused this she won't be ready for anybody. Let her go and let her grow and work on rebuilding and growing yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Commongoal123 Posted November 12, 2020 Share Posted November 12, 2020 (edited) On 10/30/2020 at 6:37 PM, scooby-philly said: Threatening to end a relationship isn't emotionally healthy or mature. Whatever happened to her in the past has lead her to a spot where for whatever reason...she holds the relationship hostage and threatens abandonment to try and get you to react. That's not healthy for her or you or your (or any) relationship. It's great if she is working on herself but you identified a major issue and it's not worth the risk of giving her ANOTHER chance. You have to be compatible with the person they are NOW, not the person they could be. People who suffer from abandonment or threats of it as children often develop this behavior as a coping and self defense mechanism as adults. Until she addresses what ever events or patterns caused this she won't be ready for anybody. Let her go and let her grow and work on rebuilding and growing yourself. This. Also the fact that you called things off and recognized your own feelings about the situation says a lot man. I.e. you said you still loved her but also couldn't take it anymore. Those are two very contradicting feelings, is normal, and it sounds like you stayed true to you at the end of the day. If anything, what I am seeing here is you being honest with yourself but you are wrapped up with an emotionally toxic woman. Don't let her toxicity poison your fields man. Stay true to you. As for "moving on" you're gonna have to stop talking to her and boosting her ego. Focus on you. As for your self esteem, the decisions you made show you are well on halfway there in having good self esteem. The feelings you are having are normal. Her threatening and using abandonment as a means to get you to react is REALLY unhealthy and unfortunately far too common. There are much better and more mature women out there. Maintaining contacr with her isn't worth your sanity. Trust me. You are ahead of most guys I talk to about this stuff including myself. I made the mistake of sticking around with a toxic woman. Then I met another. And then another. And then yet another but with each one it was less unhealthy. Don't go down that road. You've got more self esteem than I did. Took me a while to get to where I am now. What you're feeling is normal and is the result of being with someone really unhealthy emotionally. As for your actions? Well done. Break contact with her and move forward. It's good she's working on herself, but she has years and years if not likely a lifetime of working on herself ahead of her. She isn't going to just change with the snap of her fingers. Do not go back. Edited November 12, 2020 by Commongoal123 Typos 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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