His E-mail

[Sunset]

W will find out what a loser he is anyway whether she sent email or not and this forum is supposed to be about offering support for OW, all others should go onto infidelity forum and stay off this one in my opinion.

 

Most of us have done things in moments of madness and I don't think she should get beaten down for this.

[newbby]

i agree with you sunset. she was hurt and angry and understandably so.

i dont think she should get beaten down for it even if i dont think it was the best thing to do. we do all make mistakes when we are hurting.

[Hot Coco]

I really think you just inadvertently HELPED his marriage. It will now be out in the open and they can fix things. He's probably going to tell her that you're crazy, a stalker, etc. I mean it would be believable...no offense but anyone who would send a letter to his wife like that well...she might believe that you're crazy. He could probably very easily convince her that you changed that letter just to be vindictive and to try to get him back. That's what I would do if I were him. Hell, you believed all his crap about how he can't touch his wife, etc. so why won't she believe whatever he tells her?

 

If he REALLY wanted to be with you, he would. People have shared custody all the time. He's feeding you a line. Don't you see that?

 

I hope you did help his marriage by sending that letter. They could come out of this stronger than ever.

[newbby]

why would you hope that she helped the wife to be decieved by him even more?

[whichwayisup]

I hope you did help his marriage by sending that letter. They could come out of this stronger than ever.

 

Yeah, but I'm sure that wasn't the ending she was hoping for. Maybe secretly she was hoping once he gets over his anger and resentment, the marriage would fail and he'd come back to her.

 

The thing is, you can't trust ANYTHING he says. He's lied to everybody, even to his kids. To himself! What a mess.

 

The kids are the ones who are going to suffer here.

[Hot Coco]

Yes, I'm saying I hope his wife believes his lies when he tells her that OW wrote that letter and not him. No contradiction. Look, both women were believing his lies up until now so why wouldn't the wife believe that?

 

Now do you see what I'm saying.

 

And PS to the person that said we should be offering support. I am. It's called "tough love." Maybe she'll think twice about making the same mistakes again. I feel that that IS supportive...pointing out the truth and not sugar coating is VERY supportive.

[Hot Coco]

"why would you hope that she helped the wife to be decieved by him even more?"

 

Very simple. So that a family isn't ruined. So that maybe this loser of a man learned his lesson and will be a better father and husband. So that there is no more pain for his children.

 

Need any more reasons Newbby?

[newbby]

Yes, I'm saying I hope his wife believes his lies when he tells her that OW wrote that letter and not him. No contradiction. Look, both women were believing his lies up until now so why wouldn't the wife believe that?

 

Now do you see what I'm saying.

 

And PS to the person that said we should be offering support. I am. It's called "tough love." Maybe she'll think twice about making the same mistakes again. I feel that that IS supportive...pointing out the truth and not sugar coating is VERY supportive.

 

I agree thats exactly what the wife will believe. It happens all the time.

MM lies to OW, tells her he belives they are meant to be together etc, tells her he is divorcing because he has finally found his soul mate blah blah...

ALOT OF ROMANTICALLY STARVED WOMEN FALL FOR THIS

MM gets caught lies to wife, tells her OW chased him, tells her he tried to get away but OW was a crazy stalker, tells wife his poor ego was suffering and OW OFFERED him sex blah blah...

ALOT OF DESPERATE AND PAINED WIVES FALL FOR THIS

 

so who is at fault here really?

[whichwayisup]

If you contact him at all now, you'll look like the one who made the email up. Either way now everybody loses. Maybe that's a good thing. Hopefully they can fix the marriage, go to counselling and he'll learn the tough and awful way through consquences what he did was SO wrong. Or maybe he'll just up and leave everybody now. Who knows.

 

Start looking out for yourself now, get some one on one therapy for you to help you cope. He is your past now. Remember that.

[megabit15]

It is true, it was his fault and his lies that got HIM that kind of repercussion, however he hurt both cw and his wife. No doubt he will now say some awful things to his wife about cw, should the wife then tell cw what he says?

It just means that both of them will be hurting each other with the mm's words....and really both should be spared as much pain as possible.

Understood Newbby. I agree that we shouldn't unnecessarily cause each other pain.

 

I guess I was caught up in remembering my own situation when I posted. I was trying to get rid of the guy when I realized he intended to keep this whole thing exactly as it was - which I realized after seeing his 'happy' family life. His wife discovered an old hotel receipt for a weekend away and he confessed to her. Then she started calling me and blaming me - like I was still chasing 'her man'. Uh - no - He would not let go, made my life a living hell at work and it went round and round. She contacted me repeatedly, not the other way around. My actions were drastic, but I really wanted an end to it. It was very effective.

 

I suppose it depends on the motive of sending the communication, and I think that is what people are questioning here. I don't know if the OP MM's W knew about their affair or not, nor what other dynamics were taking place.

[newbby]

it would be good hot coco if the family can manage to work through this, i agree. however i think you are coming down a little too hard on cw. after all it is he who hurt his wife and children by deciding to have an affair. he is still trying to carry it on even now, even after he realized he made a mistake in leaving the home.

[Sunset]

'the person' Hot Coco who talked about support was me and you will notice that I wasn't refering to anyone in particular when I said it.

 

However now you mention it yes I do think your replies are harsh.

 

Yes I can see where you are coming from with regards to the children but you sound like you are blaming OW when in fact husband is as much to blame.

 

OM sounds like a cakeman and she is definitely better off without him and yes you are right in that he will probably pull wool over W eyes too as he is obviously good at it.

 

However OW came on here for support and saying you hope he does sort out marriage does not help her - which after all is who is writing and wanting support.

[Hot Coco]

Yes, you are right. A lot of desperate and pained wives, as you put it. And also a lot of desperate and pained single women (who can't find their own man) fall for the married men's lies. Who's at fault. Well, the innocent victims here, as I see it are the wife and the children. The OW and the MM are at fault. But I blame the MM more. He took the vows and broke the promises. The OW is just lacking in morals and values. The OW reminds me of when we're little. There was always that kid in the sandbox that stole your toys and acted like they belonged to them.

 

So, to answer your question about who's at fault...they BOTH are guilty. Don't you agree?

[Hot Coco]

Maybe I'm too new on here but how do you support people for being mean? Ok, I'll give it a stab.

 

To the OP:

 

I sincerely and with all my heart hope your pain goes away and that you can find happiness with your OWN man. You deserve to have someone who puts YOU first. Why should you settle for being second. Because you were second no matter what he told you. He went home to her not you at the end of the day.

 

I really hope that you can get rid of the pain and anger that you now have and that you will never NEVER do this to yourself (and others) again. I hope you come to realize that you are good enough to have your own man. I hope you one day can smell BS a mile away and not have to wait until you're hit over the head with it.

 

I hope you find love and peace and eternal happiness.

 

How's that for support? And it was very sincere too.

[newbby]

not really actually.

if you include in your little analogy that the toys are free thinking beings who can choose who they want to "belong" to and go up to the kid and say "please can i be yours, i really dont want to belong to that other kid anymore, it treats me badly, we make each other unhappy"...

it is not quite the equivalent of stealing.

everybody just wants to be happy and be loved at the end of the day.

that is why i do not agree with cw sending the email to the wife, but dont think she should get battered for it. for one thing it is done now....

but you are getting into a whole new argument now.

[Hot Coco]

Nope, not getting into any argument at all...just expressing my opinion. And I'm sorry but if someone is married they're NOT free for the taking. They still belong to someone else until the signatures are on the divorce papers or they are legally separated. Sorry.

 

I don't see how stating my opinion is "battering." But of course you're entitled to your opinion. And yes, everyone "just wants to be happy" But at what price? At ANY price? I guess in some people's worlds "happiness" IS worth any price...no matter how many lives are shattered in the process....very, very sad.

[newbby]

hotcoco, there are two different arguments going on here. are you disagreeing with the fact that she sent the email or disagreeing with the fact that she was an ow to begin with?

sometimes people are vunerable and they get swindled. just because you havent been that vunerable doesnt mean it doesnt exist.

sometimes people really are unhappily married and they fall in love with somebody else. should those two people then deny themselves happiness because one of them long ago made a promise?????

people get divorced all the time, unhappy marriages do exist.

and also, whilst i do not agree with causing the wife more pain than neccessary by sending the email. i can understand that cw made a big mistake because she was in pain. i dont agree in lashing out and spreading the pain to more people than neccessary. i think the advice to cw should be, get yourself better.

[Hot Coco]

sometimes people really are unhappily married and they fall in love with somebody else. should those two people then deny themselves happiness because one of them long ago made a promise?????

 

YES, YES YES! Of course! If you have morals and decency then YES, you deny your happiness. You said people get divorced all the time. Yes, they do but in this case there WAS NO DIVORCE! If there had been a divorce there'd be no issue.

 

I don't understand people who give in to their every urge to be happy at all costs. If those people are REALLY so unhappily married as you say, they'd seek a divorce and THEN start a relationship or they'd stay married and work on the marriage. Anything else is really low class, and lacking in good values and morals. What is so hard to understand about this? It's called DECENCY.

 

And to answer your question about what I'm disagreeing with. You don't really think anyone could REALLY agree with her sending the letter OR being an OW do you? Come on! I'm disagreeing with both. But people make mistakes. Just because I haven't made that one doesn't mean I haven't made other big ones. I learned from them and tried not to make same ones again and I hope all concerned in this situation can do the same.

 

I agree the advice should be "get yourself better." But don't we all have to understand first what we did wrong before we can get ourselves better?

[OldEurope]

If you have morals and decency then YES, you deny your happiness.

 

 

There is NOTHING "moral and decent" about unhappiness

[Hot Coco]

It's amazing how people will justify bad behavior! What the heck does being "unhappy" have to do with being moral and decent? There are good ways and bad ways to become happy. There are right ways and wrong ways to attain happiness.

 

People make mistakes all the time on their way to attaining "happiness."

 

I just don't get what you're trying to say? Are you saying that attaining happiness at all costs is a worthy goal?

 

Are you saying we should as human beings, never deny our happiness? What about the happiness of the others involved in this scenario? Does their happiness count?

 

What a sad and selfish view to have. That as long as you're "happy" it makes no difference how you attain that state. Screw everyone else. Screw what's right.

 

If this is such a good road to happiness then why are all the parties (MM,OW) so miserable most of the time? You RARELY hear of a "happy" ending to this.

 

I guess as long as you get what you want and you're "happy" that's all that counts. Is that how it works?

 

What a sad way to go through life. It's the most selfish and immature way of going through life that I've ever heard.

 

Like a child stomping their foot and saying "I want what I want when I want it."

[MustB1]

It will open lines of communication between that husband and wife like never before. it may end there marriage and it may not. I for one think the wife did have a right to receive the email. I think every partner that is being cheated on deserves to know the truth. The email will give his wife a portion of the information she needs to make a more informed decision.

 

 

I do have to add, that guy sounds SO immature I bet his wife has been the one taking care of him, just like you were going to do while he was at your place. He really needs to grow up.

 

Is there a cheating married man out there that doesn't use his kids as an excuse to stay married? I doubt it.

 

Whether you sent the mail out of anger or not the outcome is what should be, the wife will have more information about what her husband is like and may just send him packing or they will work together in a way that will make their marriage better than ever.

[Hot Coco]

I agree that the wife DOES deserve to know but what a horrible way to find out.

 

Also, I agree that pretty much that email is going to "make or break" that marriage. It could very well be that they'll come back even stronger but if it breaks them he'll never go running back into the arms of the woman who finished the marriage off.

 

They really both (MM & OW) deserve to be pitied. I don't think they REALLY at the core, know what they did.

[whichwayisup]

It will open lines of communication between that husband and wife like never before. it may end there marriage and it may not. I for one think the wife did have a right to receive the email. I think every partner that is being cheated on deserves to know the truth. The email will give his wife a portion of the information she needs to make a more informed decision.

 

Fine. Then what she needs to do is admit her part in this. That email she sent off were the husbands words. Confused now must tell her side of it. She wants it out in the open then SHE MUST OWN UP to her doing in this situation. She certainly isn't innocent in this mess as she is the OW!

[MustB1]

I highly doubt any betrayed spouse would consider the OP innocent. Well, unless he or she lied and said they weren't married etc...

 

Anyhow, it might be a good idea, writing a letter from her side of the affair point of view. (?? I don't really know) It could be healing to her as an OW to purge about it.

[Hot Coco]

Healing to the OW to write a letter to the W? I don't get that. Why can't the OW leave the W alone? What did she do to her? And I don't get the idea of her telling her side. Why should the W care what her side is? She didn't marry OW, she married her husband. I think she can figure out all she needs to know about OW on her own. OW fvucked her husband. What more does she need to know about OW's side?

 

She can purge her feelings in a journal for pete's sake!