My boyfriend cheated, claimed it was just physical after I found out. He emotionally cheated as well

[LikMiKit33]

My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 10 years. He turns 26 tomorrow and I’m 25. 
Let me start off by saying this is not the best or a perfect relationship at all. Before i get started on how i find out he was cheating I’ll go in detail about us. I’ve been living with my boyfriend and his parents since i was 16. We have a daughter together and I’m currently pregnant. When my boyfriend and i argue I’m not going to lie but sometimes i do get verbally and physically abusive I’ve always been like that i do have anger issues but we work through them.

How i found out he was cheating:
My boyfriend races every Saturday. And every Saturday i go to race with him and my daughter to watch him. We were getting ready to leave to go to his normal race like we do every Saturday and i had his phone and it *dings* i look down and it’s a woman on Facebook messenger and she sent him a message saying “i miss you already with a kiss attached “ 

So i immediately get out raged. And ask him who was it. he tried to grab his phone and i snatched it locked myself in the room and open the message and tried to unlock his phone. Once i unlocked it i read through my boyfriend and this woman’s message and i saw that for two years my boyfriend has been messaging this woman.  He’s been commenting on her pictures, calling her beautiful, asking her could he get to know her etc. from the messages she was ignoring him until this August. He messaged her and said “i want to get to know you honestly” and this time she actually replied back giving him her number. My boyfriend has been up this woman’s ass through his messages. From August up until yesterday the messages from him were like this: “why you flake on me ?You don’t want to be loved”

“Why aren’t you responding back?”
“You’re so beautiful”
“Drop all your other guys for me”
“I wanna kiss from you again”
From the texts they met up and had sex because he was telling her he wanted her again

Before i could read anymore i unlocked the door threw the phone at him and added this woman on Facebook. And i started asking him questions that he wasn’t willing to answer so i told him i was going to ask her. She added me back quickly. So I message her in Facebook and say “how long have you and James been seeing each other because he’s playing you bad” then i message her again saying “you’re not in trouble he is so what has he been telling you?”
So i could tell she was reading my messages and not responding so i get irritated and i start calling her and she declines the call so i inbox her back and say “you can have him i don’t want him your self esteem is very low and i was about to embarrass you but you’re already embarrassing just look at you. I’ll see you around and when i do it’s on!” As I’m messaging her that my boyfriend is in the back on the phone with her telling her “not to tell me anything because I’m mean and i like to fight and cause drama” then he told her to “please ignore me “ 

So i have our daughter and I’m staying at a friends house because I’m too weak to fight him right now 

 

[Redhead14]

This is the best thing that could happen for you and your child and new baby.  The relationship was not a good one and very toxic apparently.  That is not the environment for two innocent children.  Its way past time to move on and since you're out of the house now, keep moving.  Do whatever is necessary to get on your on two feet and raise those children without him in the household.  Your children are your #1 priority.  Do what's best for them.  Start today.  No more fighting with him.  It's over today. 

[LikMiKit33]

7 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

This is the best thing that could happen for you and your child and new baby.  The relationship was not a good one and very toxic apparently.  That is not the environment for two innocent children.  Its way past time to move on and since you're out of the house now, keep moving.  Do whatever is necessary to get on your on two feet and raise those children without him in the household.  Your children are your #1 priority.  Do what's best for them.  Start today.  No more fighting with him.  It's over today. 

I mean we haven’t been having problems lately he told me he just wanted sex from her

[Redhead14]

15 minutes ago, LikMiKit33 said:

I mean we haven’t been having problems lately he told me he just wanted sex from her

???  If he is wanting sex from another woman, there's a problem somewhere, Sweetie.  He's attempting to minimize what he did and manipulate you.  Given his brazen support of her in the background by telling her to ignore you and that you are mean, etc., I'd say there's more to it than what he's telling you. 

Nevertheless, you will be walking on eggshells all the time if you stayed with him wondering if he's cheating, etc.  You aren't married to this guy.  Yeah, you've been together for 10 years, but without that ring and piece of paper, you are not even remotely obligated to "work on the relationship".  Find a lawyer and find out what your rights are where you live and get the ball rolling to ensure that he is held responsible for supporting his children at least and working on a co-parenting plan that is as drama-free as possible.  The children deserve that.   

Edited October 6, 2020 by Redhead14

[LikMiKit33]

15 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

???  If he is wanting sex from another woman, there's a problem somewhere, Sweetie.  He's attempting to minimize what he did and manipulate you.  Given his brazen support of her in the background by telling her to ignore you and that you are mean, etc., I'd say there's more to it than what he's telling you. 

Nevertheless, you will be walking on eggshells all the time if you stayed with him wondering if he's cheating, etc.  You aren't married to this guy.  Yeah, you've been together for 10 years, but without that ring and piece of paper, you are not even remotely obligated to "work on the relationship".  Find a lawyer and find out what your rights are where you live and get the ball rolling to ensure that he is held responsible for supporting his children at least and working on a co-parenting plan that is as drama-free as possible.  The children deserve that.   

I told her she was stupid and embarrassing 

[Wiseman2]

Why have you lived with his family since that age? Are you a run-away? Stop the violence. Stop the drama. he cheats, he probably told this woman "you mean nothing" or what a witch you are at the same time telling you 'she means nothing". Your Bf is a snake so stop living with his parents. Move back home. Did you come from violence, abuse and cheating in your own home? Is that why you ran away at such a young age?

[d0nnivain]

This is so sad it breaks my heart.  You are playing house without the wisdom or financial security necessary to support a family.  

You & the baby daddy need to be done.  You must still find a way to co-parent & that won't be easy.  You also need to work on your anger.  

He's never going to faithful too you.  There is too much history.  

Get your act together & lead your children by example.  

[Redhead14]

10 minutes ago, LikMiKit33 said:

I told her she was stupid and embarrassing 

By engaging with her over this, you are not making yourself "look good" either.  Be the mature, mother of two children and get busy with focusing on the kids and what needs to be done for them now and start preparing for life as a single mother.  It will do you good to do that since you have been with this guy since a very young age.  You need to reclaim your life as a single, independent, self-sufficient young woman and be an example for your kids. 

[LikMiKit33]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why have you lived with his family since that age? Are you a run-away? Stop the violence. Stop the drama. he cheats, he probably told this woman "you mean nothing" or what a witch you are at the same time telling you 'she means nothing". Your Bf is a snake so stop living with his parents. Move back home. Did you come from violence, abuse and cheating in your own home? Is that why you ran away at such a young age?

No I’m not sure we’ve just always lived together for the most part

[LikMiKit33]

3 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

By engaging with her over this, you are not making yourself "look good" either.  Be the mature, mother of two children and get busy with focusing on the kids and what needs to be done for them now and start preparing for life as a single mother.  It will do you good to do that since you have been with this guy since a very young age.  You need to reclaim your life as a single, independent, self-sufficient young woman and be an example for your kids. 

I wanted clarification until i figured out she was lying and saying that she didn’t want him and she wasn’t messing with him like that. He told her to lie because I’d want to fight her

[Redhead14]

Just now, LikMiKit33 said:

I wanted clarification until i figured out she was lying and saying that she didn’t want him and she wasn’t messing with him like that. He told her to lie because I’d want to fight her

That is irrelevant.  Nothing she has to say is relevant to what goes on between you and your boyfriend.  The issue is between the two of you. 

[LikMiKit33]

17 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This is so sad it breaks my heart.  You are playing house without the wisdom or financial security necessary to support a family.  

You & the baby daddy need to be done.  You must still find a way to co-parent & that won't be easy.  You also need to work on your anger.  

He's never going to faithful too you.  There is too much history.  

Get your act together & lead your children by example.  

I mean i think this is a one time thing since he said she was only sex. I want to embarrass her so bad

[d0nnivain]

Just now, LikMiKit33 said:

I mean i think this is a one time thing since he said she was only sex. I want to embarrass her so bad

Her?  She's not your problem.  He is.  Put the blame where it belongs.  Attacking her makes you a bad person.  I'm not saying she's blameless but he affirmatively step out on you. 

It's not a 1x only thing.  Your children's father cheated on you while you are pregnant.  

[Redhead14]

10 minutes ago, LikMiKit33 said:

I mean i think this is a one time thing

IS it????  Forget about her and focus on YOU.  This is not a mature exchange for a grown woman with 1 child and another on the way. 

[ABernie]

58 minutes ago, LikMiKit33 said:

I mean i think this is a one time thing since he said she was only sex. I want to embarrass her so bad

Please be careful.  I know you are angry, but direct it toward your STBXBF.  

I was an OW who was lied to.  He told me they discussed divorce, were getting a mediator, making plans and I was stupid enough to believe it.  I'm well educated and smart and I fell hard for it.   He told BW lies (I was the aggressor, etc).  

 

She did write and text some threatening things to me.  I put it all in a file and told her the next time she contacted me that I would go to the police.  I hadn't yet, because I knew she was hurting and was a victim in this.  After the third time I told her, she stopped.  I would have followed through.  You don't want that hassle.  You are young and have an entire career ahead of you and don't need the legal fees and costs.  

[smackie9]

The only reason you are going after her is because she's an outsider....the real cause of your problems is him. He made the decision to cheat, and step out on you. If it wasn't with her, it would have been somebody else.

Raise the child together/shared custody, but date other people. That is your solution.

 

[LikMiKit33]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The only reason you are going after her is because she's an outsider....the real cause of your problems is him. He made the decision to cheat, and step out on you. If it wasn't with her, it would have been somebody else.

Raise the child together/shared custody, but date other people. That is your solution.

 

I’m going after because one she’s stupid she tried to lie and say my boyfriend wasn’t messing with her. Two she has low self esteem and three he’s playing her

[smackie9]

She and you are standing in the same puddle.

[kendahke]

On 10/6/2020 at 10:51 AM, LikMiKit33 said:

Let me start off by saying this is not the best or a perfect relationship at all.

I stopped after reading this.

For 10 years you'll never get back, you've squandered your youth on something that's mediocre. While no relationship is perfect,  it should have way more going for it than what you've presented. Habit is a bad excuse for staying with someone when things aren't working.

Do better for yourself. End this and find a better investment for your finite resource of youth.

Beware the hole you dig for someone else, lest you end up falling into it yourself.

And check your revenge fantasies so that you don't wind up in a pair of orange pajamas courtesy of the county jail. If he wants this chick, then let then have each other. Move on to better.

Edited October 7, 2020 by kendahke

[Atwood]

I think you should book yourself into therapy ASAP. 

Abusing your partner is objectively wrong and it's not very surprising that he is looking for validation elsewhere if he is being abused at home. The way you've been messaging the other woman is also cruel. She isn't an innocent party in all this, but threatening someone "it's on!" is concerning behaviour on your part. You have a child already and you are pregnant with another. All of this conflict and toxicity will only harm them and you should go to therapy with the goal of creating a healthier and happier atmosphere for your children. 

[elaine567]

Has he tried to contact you?

[LikMiKit33]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Has he tried to contact you?

Yes he blocked this other woman and told me he wanted a family 

[elaine567]

If he truly wanted a family then why was he messing about with this other woman behind your back?
He told you what you wanted to hear.

This is called Dday, the day the wife/gf finds out.
Many OWs say that after Dday, he lays low for a while, then it is all back on again, only this time he is a lot more careful about getting caught.
Be aware.

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, LikMiKit33 said:

Yes he blocked this other woman and told me he wanted a family 

Of course he's going  to say that to you...  why did it take him putting you, your esteem and integrity and your children through all of this if he wanted a family?  He had a family and he threw it away... now he's coming back after having spent himself with someone else.

I seriously doubt he blocked her or that he's actually done with her. People don't flip that dang fast after having invested a lot of deceit in something that gave them a thrill/charge for however many months this has been going on behind your back.

Baby in the belly or no--this relationship hasn't been working for some time and you accepting the consolation prize role is not a good look.

[snowboy91]

Wow that's some pretty poor decisions on his part.

I don't think it's worth going at the other girl - it's not going to change anything. A guy in an exclusive relationship knows full well that he's not supposed to be intimate with anyone else, and the evidence that this has been going on for a couple of years speaks volumes about him. You can get as angry as you like at the girl for "stealing" your BF, but he's done nothing to avoid being "stolen". It's not hard if he's really committed to you - what he's shown you is that he isn't.

Keep in mind that he has lied to you about her thus far, and will continue to lie to make himself look good.