Cheating Girlfriend

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi so bit of a strange one need a couple of opinions as I’m feeling uneasy about something, so My girlfriend who I have now been with since March 2020 been friends throughout school for years but only recently made it official in March & decided to give things ago, prior to this she had a boyfriend of 5 years up until the start of 2019, the first two years apparently were okay and the third was Rocky when he would go out get drunk, not answer his phone & cheated on her once that I know of for sure, but probably multiple times she forgave him, he was a marine so when he finished they decided to go travelling & things got a little better but the 4th & 5th year he suffered from PTSD used to threaten her & to kill himself if she ended things, never wanted to have sex with her & made her life hell from what I know, the last year of her relationship she said she got close to a guy at work & eventually had an affair for a few months, the guy at work was married with kids & the wife found out & messaged her ex & they broke up, now that’s a lot to take in & ive struggled to digest it the more I think about it, she’s never given me a reason to not trust her but to know that you could Be a homewrecker and cheat with a married man, especially when you live with your ex at the time too, shows me it could be very sneaky and sleazy thinking about them maybe doing it at work or hotels etc for months behind their partners back rather than ending it, what are your thoughts simple retaliation to a toxic relationship or major red flag & character flaw?

I hear the term once a cheater always a cheater and a one night stand could be passed off as a mistake but an affair is abit more premeditated & thought out, this makes me uncomfortable I’ve told her this before but I can’t seem to shake this feeling 

[smackie9]

Depends....if this was a onetime thing I would say it could be a pass....especially if she feels tremendous remorse, understands the damage it has caused, how selfish it was and learned a hard lesson from the experience.

Some, when under horrible stress, toxic situation when they felt it difficult to get out of, not in their right emotional state, it's very easy to slip into an affair....it starts out as emotional/friendship, but can get out of control because it's as addicting as heroin. People absolutely lose themselves, it a total lose of control.

Edited October 6, 2020 by smackie9

[salparadise]

There is nothing definitive here. What you know is that she was once capable of cheating with a married man while in an unhealthy relationship. That doesn't mean it's bound to happen again. I would say that someone who has done this in the past is somewhat more likely to do so again than the average person who has never cheated, but how much more likely is completely unknowable. I'd give zero weight to the old cliché. Aphorisms don't impart validity; they convince those who are rationally challenged.

I think you have to assess her character and the likelihood of recurrence based on your own best judgement. Some of the questions I'd be asking are, is she remorseful, or does she blame external factors and people? Has she done the work afterward, as in therapy? Has she otherwise been cavalier about sex and relationships. Can you depend on what she says? Is she responsible with finances, obligations, organized and takes care of all manner of things? Is she open and forthcoming about thoughts and feelings, or do you think she's holding stuff back?  There is no magic formula that predicts infidelity, but there are certain psychological predispositions that make it more or less likely. If she has a solid core and sense of self combined with high integrity, I'd be inclined to believe in her.

[d0nnivain]

You have known her a long time & you have questions about her character & ethics.  That is a a poor foundation for a relationship.  

I suspect that living with the PTSD marine was unstable.  The guy at work probably lied & told her he was leaving his wife. 

Thing is all the logic in the world isn't going to make you trust her.  

Maybe this won't work after all.  

[schlumpy]

Do you have any first hand confirmation that her life story is basically true?

Do you have any second hand information?

If not, then she can tailor the tale anyway she wants.

She told you about the affair because she got caught. If she didn't tell you there is a good chance that in the future you would find out from some other source.

Now how do you know this was her first affair?

Do you think she would tell you about other affairs she didn't get caught at?

 

[WELLINGTON14]

4 hours ago, salparadise said:

There is nothing definitive here. What you know is that she was once capable of cheating with a married man while in an unhealthy relationship. That doesn't mean it's bound to happen again. I would say that someone who has done this in the past is somewhat more likely to do so again than the average person who has never cheated, but how much more likely is completely unknowable. I'd give zero weight to the old cliché. Aphorisms don't impart validity; they convince those who are rationally challenged.

I think you have to assess her character and the likelihood of recurrence based on your own best judgement. Some of the questions I'd be asking are, is she remorseful, or does she blame external factors and people? Has she done the work afterward, as in therapy? Has she otherwise been cavalier about sex and relationships. Can you depend on what she says? Is she responsible with finances, obligations, organized and takes care of all manner of things? Is she open and forthcoming about thoughts and feelings, or do you think she's holding stuff back?  There is no magic formula that predicts infidelity, but there are certain psychological predispositions that make it more or less likely. If she has a solid core and sense of self combined with high integrity, I'd be inclined to believe in her.

Thanks for the reply, okay so she said at the time obviously she was low and wanted out of her relationship, but he was threatening to kill himself so she felt bad but still was having the affair, I find that odd personally that’s the worst thing to do surely? Any way she said the guy at work gave her everything she was lacking in terms of attention, making her feel good, attractive and Sex again, but now after they obviously got caught out she called the whole thing off & says the thought of being anywhere near this married guy makes her feel sick & the thought of him touching her does also, she said and I quote ‘ I hate him & the person he is’ all this is verified by her best girl mates as we are all in the same friendship group, so it’s common knowledge this affair 

[WELLINGTON14]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Depends....if this was a onetime thing I would say it could be a pass....especially if she feels tremendous remorse, understands the damage it has caused, how selfish it was and learned a hard lesson from the experience.

Some, when under horrible stress, toxic situation when they felt it difficult to get out of, not in their right emotional state, it's very easy to slip into an affair....it starts out as emotional/friendship, but can get out of control because it's as addicting as heroin. People absolutely lose themselves, it a total lose of control.

Yeah we are all in the same friendship group and we live in a small place, I know it was just this one guy but it was an affair carried on behind a partners back which was obviously carefully planned as to not get caught that level of cunning shouts red flag for me, I gave this girl a chance because she is one of my best friends & I never delved into her private life, but the guy she was with didn’t treat her well & is abit of a village clown tbh, I really want to put it down to me treating her right & not putting her in a position she doesn’t feel loved, but at the same time wary of what she is capable of, I am so against cheating after being cheated on in the past, so it’s a topic I can’t easily brush over 

[Dork Vader]

The past does not pertain to the future. So many things could play into the affair one way or the other. We all make mistakes. There is no way to know if she is a home wrecker from the information you've provided. If she is a home wrecker or serial cheater, you will see other red flags. She will have issues with being honest and forthcoming, amongst other things. 

I don't think you should base your relationship with her off of her past. I think you should focus simply on who she is today and with you. That is all that matters.

[Poutrew]

If you both have the same circle of friends, and they know about her past, well, now you know why she told you. It was bound to come out by accident or a slip of the tongue eventually. Is she a person to whom you could spend your life with? Only you can answer that question. For me,  I'd be wondering how she'd react to the everyday stressors that are bound to occur in everyday life. For me, if I need to wonder about that kind of thing,  the answer would be no. I would toss this one back into the ocean. Life's just too short...

[salparadise]

7 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

I really want to put it down to me treating her right & not putting her in a position she doesn’t feel loved, but at the same time wary of what she is capable of, I am so against cheating after being cheated on in the past, so it’s a topic I can’t easily brush over 

There will be stressors, excuses, and ways to justify. The question is, is she a person of integrity now, and is she solid at the core. The quality of your relationship now should also be considered –– if it's the best you've ever had then it's understandable that you'd want to give it every chance. In a sense this insecurity you have about losing the relationship due to cheating is self-fulfilling... you're devaluing and destabilizing it because of your fear of cheating. I say you should evaluate the relationship based on its own merits, and if you're crazy about her then go with it. If you're lukewarm then perhaps you need more time to see where it goes. Just be cognizant of the fact that this insecurity of yours is weakening the foundation. Relationships are unknowns by nature. You could break up with her, date somebody new who has never cheated, and still get cheated on. You could otherwise get dumped in a hurtful way, or lose other ways.  

IOW, I'm starting to think that your fear of being cheated on someday is a bigger problem than the possibility itself. You have to quit dithering and go with it or not. If you do, then you need to put this out of your head completely.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. It's only been 7 mos. She is simply not ready to date anyone. There's too much drama and abuse from her past.

She also has poor coping skills. You can't fix or change her. You don't respect her.

Since she is not in a good place to date anyone and her past with all the drama turns you off, it's better for both of you to just end it .

[smackie9]

I think it has more to do with confidence level, circumstances and how you are being treated in the here and now. My husband told me he had two gf's at the same time until they met each other at a party and compared notes....did that deter me? no not at all, I thought it was a funny story.

I say if it it really bothers you, dump, ditch, kick to curb and move on.

Edited October 7, 2020 by smackie9

[kendahke]

23 hours ago, WELLINGTON14 said:

but to know that you could Be a homewrecker and cheat with a married man, especially when you live with your ex at the time too, shows me it could be very sneaky and sleazy thinking about them maybe doing it at work or hotels etc for months behind their partners back rather than ending it, what are your thoughts simple retaliation to a toxic relationship or major red flag & character flaw?

Listen, if all of this is that important to you, then why have you wasted 7 months of your life with someone you consider to be trash?  Do you need for her to have a character flaw? 

I think it's more toxic on your end that you're harboring all this unspoken vitriol about her, low key trying to find permission to punish her for her past from us. Does she have any idea the judgemental opinion you have on her?

The easier thing to do is to just quit being with her.  Nothing she can do or say is going to change this last 5 years of her life. What's done is done and either you accept this truth from her (and it looks like she told you the truth rather than letting you swing in the breeze on some ignorance) or you reject her and be done with her.

Quote

his makes me uncomfortable I’ve told her this before but I can’t seem to shake this feeling 

Then why are you still with her? What's stopping you from ending it and finding someone with a less complex past? No where in your post did the word "love" even come into how you esteem her.

 

Edited October 7, 2020 by kendahke

[ctdans]

Its up to you of course and regardless if she would or could cheat again in the future to me it is a matter or morals.  She had an affair with a married man. We don't know what lines he gave her or any seduction and yes he took advantage of her weakened state.  But she knew he was married.  I could not move forward with a woman who would be as you said a "home wrecker".  

[Watercolors]

22 hours ago, kendahke said:

Listen, if all of this is that important to you, then why have you wasted 7 months of your life with someone you consider to be trash?  Do you need for her to have a character flaw? 

I think it's more toxic on your end that you're harboring all this unspoken vitriol about her, low key trying to find permission to punish her for her past from us. Does she have any idea the judgemental opinion you have on her?

The easier thing to do is to just quit being with her.  Nothing she can do or say is going to change this last 5 years of her life. What's done is done and either you accept this truth from her (and it looks like she told you the truth rather than letting you swing in the breeze on some ignorance) or you reject her and be done with her.

These are my thoughts too, OP about your situation.

Here you are judging your g/f of 7 months as though her past 5 years is a Scarlet Letter. What about you? You have relationship baggage too, don't you? What makes you so perfect compared to her? Does she know how much you secretly despise and mistrust her?

You might as well put an ankle bracelet on her and bug her phone, her email and her car GPS so you can track her every move like a hunter tracks an animal. Seriously, what is up with you?

This r/s with your g/f was not founded on honesty (from your end, due to your hidden vitrol and judgment against her). You clearly do NOT accept her for who she is now, b/c you are obsessing about her past to no end.

You do not deserve her, frankly. Just end it now. Let her go so she can be with a man who respects her despite her past, who won't hold it over her head like a bargaining chip the way you are, so that you can control and manipulate her. You don't respect her. That's obvious.