Wife - Balance of Control, Compromise, and Appreciation

[BMI03]

I feel like I only come here when I am angry about something, so apologies for those that I feel have become my venting source to turn to. My purpose though through that frustration is to as always get insight into the other side. 

As always, I will provide way too much back story context for those who don't know...

I have discussed that my wife has some self-identified control issues. She always saw herself as quite chill, but has discovered over the last decade that she's actually quite not. She likes things done her way, and often attempts to collaborate are just inputs into her decision making. Personally, I make enough decisions at work, and so I don't mind her taking the lead on things to an extent. So most of the time it works. However...

Sometimes I see this with her friends, sometimes with me: often she will be asked to help with something, or maybe even more often will take it upon her self to help with something. That can be appreciated, but if the person she is helping doesn't follow her instructions or approach, she isn't just mildly upset...she outright disowns them for a time. For example, she's a doctor. She knows her stuff. A friend asks for advice on something. She gives it. Her friend follows advice in part, but makes adjustments because of a life situation (big/small/whatever). My wife is personally insulted and vows never to give her medical advice ever again, and is pissed for the day.

Current case: I had an arm injury last week...a great deal of pain. She helped get me a dr. appointment, and when the results were minimal, took me to emergency. I had an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow (1.5 weeks after injury). I improved dramatically pain wise each day and no longer have any pain. I still want to do the ultrasound, and scheduled physio for myself as well. However, something came up at work that is quite critical, such that I don't have influence to move it, nor can miss it without a 'he's out on leave for a week' type stuff. This meeting scheduling moved around a bit so I didn't take action to move the ultrasound until this morning, having had the meeting settle down time wise yesterday evening. Ultrasound is now next week.

My wife is livid at me. She called after leaving for work to tell me she had to get it off of her chest that she is upset that it had to come from her to consider moving the ultra sound (it didn't, I had to wait for meeting timing to land). She also lectured me that she understood that there are important work things, but...but...and but.... I in turn told her that she is saying she understands, but I don't think she is actually showing she understands, but rather sounds like she is trying to convince me that I made the wrong choice. I told her I need to balance some very real work priorities with this and so I need to make these decisions and hope she can trust I am balancing things appropriately.

She went off the deep end. She screamed that she will never help me like that again, and I can take myself to emergency next time, and doesn't want to hear me say a word about my arm, etc. etc. So now I am upset also. I can understand her desire to keep me healthy, and I want to be healthy also, but it can't be the only priority all the time every time, no questions. If so, I wouldn't drive (accident!), I wouldn't watch TV (my eyes!), i wouldn't eat her lasagna (heart attack!). We take on risk every day and I felt that this was the right decision to make, knowing my work. So it's not the debate on the decision that bothers me so much as it's my feeling that she will not trust me to make it. I'm a risk adverse person by nature...data driven decision maker, so wile her knowledge certainly trumps mine by far in the medical subject, I can't help but feel that this is like I see her where friends, where it's more about control and trust to her than it is about my arm. I feel like I am being groomed to submit to her direction and decisions through the emotional blackmail of avoiding her tantrums.

It risks my looking unappreciative to suggest it but I survived before I met her. I made it to the doctor when I needed to, and despite certainly being older now than then, I have confidence in my ability to navigate the medical world. The same happened months ago with my laundry where she was made and said she was no longer going to do it. I was thrilled, because she took that over and was dead set against my doing my own. I welcomed it and have been doing it happily ever since as I did before she took that on. My frustration is that it's all or nothing. She wants to own it, or angrily separate herself from it. It leaves me uncomfortable because for her to own it appears to be to own it by her rules, or pay the price. And to separate herself from it appears to be in anger and likely leaves resentment, that I am unappreciative.

Where do I go from here. I am angry. She is angry...

 

[mark clemson]

50 minutes ago, BMI03 said:

She went off the deep end. She screamed that she will never help me like that again, and I can take myself to emergency next time, and doesn't want to hear me say a word about my arm, etc. etc. So now I am upset also.

Where do I go from here. I am angry. She is angry...

It's probably actually something else. Frustrations that have built up etc, this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. OR perhaps she is having some personality changes/psych issues? These things do happen.

IF it blows over (by which I mean she becomes rational and reasonable and you have a discussion about it, NOT rugsweeping) then I wouldn't worry.

If not, where you go from here in my opinion is MC to get a referee involved.

[BMI03]

13 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

It's probably actually something else. Frustrations that have built up etc, this is just the straw that broke the camel's back. OR perhaps she is having some personality changes/psych issues? These things do happen.

IF it blows over (by which I mean she becomes rational and reasonable and you have a discussion about it, NOT rugsweeping) then I wouldn't worry.

If not, where you go from here in my opinion is MC to get a referee involved.

Bingo! You nailed it with it being something else. No sooner had I saw your post and she texted telling me she feels she has to get involved because I don't follow through with the steps the doctors propose, referring to past things, not this one specifically. So she was mad at past items (i.e. not keeping up with regular exercise to strengthen some hurt back muscles from a year ago, needing a CPap machine, etc.). And I was mad because I didn't know why she was so mad at this.

Now that I understand what she's actually mad at, we are getting somewhere. However now she's not just mad at those things she hadn't shared, but she's mad that I was mad back. And to be honest, I am also mad that she's mad!...like the case of wanting to own dinner despite my trying, then crashing once every two months when she's overwhelmed and doesn't want the responsibility, I don't feel empowered to own my medical stuff. She's a doctor and she naturally jumps in ahead of me and takes charge. Like I said in my initial post, I get comfortable so let her. Which works...until it doesn't, like today. So figuring out the problem's only half the solution. I think the other is the MC, where we once prior made this same revolution (her pushing to control things; me being comfortable in letting her; her getting overwhelmed by other things and then getting angry; me confused why she's angry and getting angry back). Time to refresh that chat...

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, BMI03 said:

A friend asks for advice on something. She gives it. Her friend follows advice in part, but makes adjustments because of a life situation (big/small/whatever). My wife is personally insulted and vows never to give her medical advice ever again, and is pissed for the day.

It sucks when people want free professional advice. She needs to learn to deflect that. For example steer people to look on (whatever, mayo clinic etc) general information site.

People have this expectation that professionals advice is the same as some guy on the street who says take two aspirin, yet they know what they are getting much more for free. You wife is correct to be upset, but wrong to hand out professional advice.

What you get here is free, but trust me, you'll get a handsome bill from the professional marriage counselor.  Google "curbside consult" huge problem for professionals. You ignoring her expertise doesn't help much. Don't accept help/info, pay for it but when you get it for free and dismiss it in a power struggle, oh well, here you are. 

Edited October 6, 2020 by Wiseman2

[BMI03]

19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It sucks when people want free professional advice. She needs to learn to deflect that. For example steer people to look on (whatever, mayo clinic etc) general information site.

So I think the problem is a slight bit different from that unfortunately. My wife grew up in a household of a parent who was a doctor, and a grandfather as a doctor, all in the same house with some aunts and cousins also. She saw day to day them manage medical things at home, because they could. Being the only doctor left in the family I see that almost daily she takes personal responsibility for her remaining family's medical stuff even though she's a country away. They have an unhealthy expectation of her giving them the inside scoop on things, but as much as she complains about it, she is right there getting involved when they leave her out, upset they didn't call her first. She enables it. Consulting her friends is more of the same.

So, in our case, I don't ask for the 'special treatment', but she takes ownership (her natural personality trait). I, step back and let her own it (my personality trait). I am unfortunately of an analytical mindset...very black / white...binary. I'm explaining it, not defending it, but I think where my mind goes is that "she's obviously got this...she'll tell me when I need to do something." which isn't fair to her. But, I struggle to step out of that when she's the one who without consulting me makes me the appointment (with a doctor friend of hers), talks to the other doctor on my behalf before I even get there, joins the examination, takes over from that doctor to write the order slips, goes and gives my prescription to the pharmacist she knows, and schedules me into an ultrasound or whatever before I know what's happened. So I think my brain says "I'm not driving the bus here...she's got this." and then gets knocked from the side when she's upset I move an appointment. It's the dinner thing all over again (see separate post).

So, I think what I need to do is take control back. My brain works too binary to work like this. I think I need to get my own doctor, form my own relationship with them, and manage this on my own. I think it's the only way to recreate a sense of responsibility on my own shoulders to do things. Then, I just need to do things.

Sorry, I think I turned this into my own diary, or 'thinking out loud' post, but...thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, BMI03 said:

I think I need to get my own doctor, form my own relationship with them, and manage this on my own.

Absolutely. Family members should not be advising/treating each other (don't care what she/her family do). It lacks objectivity and that is deadly.

[BMI03]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Absolutely. Family members should not be advising/treating each other (don't care what she/her family do). It lacks objectivity and that is deadly.

I agree. She will not like it and it will come across unappreciative. Her controlling nature (I say that lovingly not aggressively) will make it uncomfortable for her, but I think it's what my brain needs to feel ownership of it and stop leaning back expecting her to tell me when to get involved. My brain struggles with the in-between.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, BMI03 said:

I agree. She will not like it and it will come across unappreciative. Her controlling nature (I say that lovingly not aggressively) will make it uncomfortable for her, but I think it's what my brain needs to feel ownership of it and stop leaning back expecting her to tell me when to get involved. My brain struggles with the in-between.

The biggest plus is that your private physician is not emotionally involved and is bound to confidentiality. This allows you to be frank as well as collaborate better on your healthcare. She can still be "involved", but as a spouse who you discuss this or that with depending on what you wish to share.