What's a good opening message after 2 months of no contact?

[zincmagnesium8]

Without going into too much detail, I was dating a girl who lied to me about something and I ended it. I was very adamant about there never being a second chance when I broke up and I said it in the heat of the moment not really thinking it through. I messaged her a few times afterwards hoping for some light at the end of the tunnel but she had assumed that we were completely finished so I feel like I've been toying with her emotions by messaging her after I said there was no chance for us.

I decide to go no contact for a while to clear my head. It's been two months now and I still thing about her and want to give things a second chance. Just to open the dialogue to start and see how things go. She may not even want to try things again, but I can live with that if that's what she wants.

The problem is that I don't know how to message her out of the blue. The last message between us was from me where I say something like "I don't think I'll be the first to reach out to you because I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive what happened. I don't have any bad feelings towards you and hope everything works out for you in life". 

It's hard to just follow up with a message saying "Hey! How are you? Long time no talk!". Should I mention anything about my last message? I don't want to get into a serious conversation from the get go as that will probably put her off. I know I wouldn't want to get into a deep breakup conversation again. It would be nice for a lighthearted opening, but not to dismiss what happened before either.

I feel it's tricky. She moved house recently so would something like this work:

"Hey. I know it's been a while but I thought I would just check in to see how you're getting on in your new home. I hope you've found you feet. Also sorry for my last few messages. I was probably being a bit over dramatic in the heat of the moment!"

[basil67]

I've linked to your discussions just after the breakup because there's a lot of context 

 

If you're going to reach out, you have to start with an apology.  You should also admit that you shouldn't have ended it and have regretted that decision since you made it.   You've also written a lot about how she should change/behave if you were to get back together.....but if you're wanting her back, you have to take her as is.   Thing is, you can't ask someone to come back AND ask them to change. 

So I guess my questions are: are you genuinely sorry for ending it?   Would you have her back without asking her to change?    If the answer to either of these is "no", then breaking up with the right decision and you shouldn't go back to her.

[zincmagnesium8]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

I've linked to your discussions just after the breakup because there's a lot of context 

 

If you're going to reach out, you have to start with an apology.  You should also admit that you shouldn't have ended it and have regretted that decision since you made it.   You've also written a lot about how she should change/behave if you were to get back together.....but if you're wanting her back, you have to take her as is.   Thing is, you can't ask someone to come back AND ask them to change. 

So I guess my questions are: are you genuinely sorry for ending it?   Would you have her back without asking her to change?    If the answer to either of these is "no", then breaking up with the right decision and you shouldn't go back to her.

Thank you. I agree that I should apologise for breaking up the way I did but do you think it's wise to open up with a discussion about the breakup? I don't want to scare her off by getting into an intense conversation straight away. I guess what I'm wondering is should I just open up with an "ice-breaker" first?

As for your other question, I am sorry for ending it. I think a break apart would have been the right call but I got caught up in emotions. I don't know if you'd classify this as something she should change, but she lied. I would just ask her to be completely open and honest with me.

[Wiseman2]

Leave her alone. You dumped her in a fit of anger. Just move on.

You keep contacting her, but with your inner turmoil. Stop and reflect on what you really want.

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I don't know if you'd classify this as something she should change, but she lied. I would just ask her to be completely open and honest with me.

You can't try again while you're still focused on the past.

Thing is, she's listened to how you feel numerous times and apologised numerous times.   But if you still talking about the lie and feel the need to ask her to be honest, then it's pretty clear that her words of apology mean nothing and you still don't trust her.    Leave her alone.

[zincmagnesium8]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Leave her alone. You dumped her in a fit of anger. Just move on.

You keep contacting her, but with your inner turmoil. Stop and reflect on what you really want.

I haven't contacted her at all yet.

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You can't try again while you're still focused on the past.

Thing is, she's listened to how you feel numerous times and apologised numerous times.   But if you still talking about the lie and feel the need to ask her to be honest, then it's pretty clear that her words of apology mean nothing and you still don't trust her.    Leave her alone.

I'm not focused on the past. The breakup is the present! Are you saying that in any reconciliation that you shouldn't mention the breakup at all?

I thought it was obvious that we would discuss honesty. It was the reason for the breakup so it would certainly come up in conversation.

Let me give another example. Lets say that she was spending a lot of time working and not enough time dedicated to the relationship. To reconcile would you not discuss spending more time together?

I'm really confused why it wouldn't be mentioned!

[Wiseman2]

Why do you want to keep rehashing the breakup? Are you still hoping to reconcile?

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

The breakup is the present!

No it isn't it was 2 months ago.
You have left this way too late ie 2 months too late.
The time for possible reconciliation was  2 hours after you dumped her, with a huge apology from both, a talking it out and a make up, not 2 months after.
She has had 2 months to process  and may now be besotted with some other guy for all you know. 
It was a mess, she cheated early doors, you found out, you dumped her swiftly with no discussion and how you have changed your mind.
She still cheated, you still dumped her unceremoniously, what makes you think that is a good basis for a relationship?
Will either of you be able to forget the trauma?

[FMW]

Sounds like you already talked about what she did wrong, she apologized, you couldn't accept it or trust her to not do something like that again, so you ended it.  And not gently.

You made it clear where you stand.  If you contact her now, you have to be willing to start from a clean slate.  Bringing up that she has to be honest is telling her you don't believe that she will and basically that she will be on probation.  Why would she be interested in that?  Why would you?  Leave her alone and find someone else. 

[zincmagnesium8]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why do you want to keep rehashing the breakup? Are you still hoping to reconcile?

Yes.

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

No it isn't it was 2 months ago.
You have left this way too late ie 2 months too late.
The time for possible reconciliation was  2 hours after you dumped her, with a huge apology from both, a talking it out and a make up, not 2 months after.
She has had 2 months to process  and may now be besotted with some other guy for all you know. 
It was a mess, she cheated early doors, you found out, you dumped her swiftly with no discussion and how you have changed your mind.
She still cheated, you still dumped her unceremoniously, what makes you think that is a good basis for a relationship?
Will either of you be able to forget the trauma?

I got advice to go no contact and let things settle so that's what I did.

She may be with someone else for sure. Nothing I can do about that.

She didn't cheat. At least I don't view it as cheating.

3 minutes ago, FMW said:

Sounds like you already talked about what she did wrong, she apologized, you couldn't accept it or trust her to not do something like that again, so you ended it.  And not gently.

You made it clear where you stand.  If you contact her now, you have to be willing to start from a clean slate.  Bringing up that she has to be honest is telling her you don't believe that she will and basically that she will be on probation.  Why would she be interested in that?  Why would you?  Leave her alone and find someone else. 

As I said before, it all happened in the heat of the moment. If I had taken some time to really think about things it probably would have ended differently.

I know that she will be honest after what happened. She dug herself into a hole that she couldn't get out of and I can forgive that. All I was trying to say was that I was acknowledging the breakup, what happened and why it happened. Saying that we should try things again "but only if you're honest" is a silly thing to say I agree. It's expected in every relationship and shouldn't have to be said. I was asked what would you change and the thing I would change would be for her not to have lied. It's not something I would hang over her head. It's just what I hoped would have been different.

By the way, this is all hypothetical. All I'm looking to do is open communication with her, not jump back into a relationship right now.

[d0nnivain]

There isn't really one IMO.  You said things like ":never" now here you come crawling back.  Anything you do now telegraphs that you are a doormat, who says things he doesn't mean in the heat of the moment, doesn't know his own mind, & is not a man of his word.  In short she will have tied around her little finger. 

 However if you are determined to reach out, keep it light.  

[zincmagnesium8]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

There isn't really one IMO.  You said things like ":never" now here you come crawling back.  Anything you do now telegraphs that you are a doormat, who says things he doesn't mean in the heat of the moment, doesn't know his own mind, & is not a man of his word.  In short she will have tied around her little finger. 

 However if you are determined to reach out, keep it light.  

Yes. Never was too strong a word. It was totally emotionally driven. I made a mistake. She made a mistake. Maybe that makes us even! j/k

Do you think people really behave in that way that if there is a sign of weakness that they will take advantage of it? I know some will, but it sounds like you think its guaranteed that she will.

[d0nnivain]

In rocky tumultuous relationships that involve the break up make up cycle, I absolutely think people take advantage of weakness.  In healthy mature adult relationships where people don't have extreme emotional reactions in the heat of the moment, I think there is more balance & less gamesmanship.  

[ShyViolet]

When you contact her, don't bring up "wanting to reconcile", just keep it very light and just see if she's willing to talk to you again.  You can say you've had some time to cool off and think about things, and you're wondering if she is willing to talk.

[Happy Lemming]

I've been dating almost 40 years and if I broke up with a woman, I never went back.  There was a reason I broke up with her and if I felt that strongly about that item/circumstance to end the relationship, there was no way I was going back to her.

Personally, I'd leave this woman alone and try to find someone new.   You made an adult decision to end the relationship.  Be a man and stand by your decision and leave this woman be.

That being said, I've had plenty of women dump me, then change their mind and attempt reconciliation.  I usually listened to their spiel and if it seemed valid, I gave it another try.  If I was dating someone new, then I told them that I was involved with another and happy.  I was polite and just wished them well.

I can only think of one instance where a woman called me up, got back together with me and we made it work (for a while).  The second time we said "good bye" was because she had a family emergency and had to move back East to help.  I did agree with her decision to go. Although we were both sad, we said "good bye" again, but this time there was love in both of our hearts.

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

What's a good opening message after 2 months of no contact?

None.  If she hasn't contacted you, then she doesn't want to hear from you.

[mark clemson]

She hurt you, so then you dumped her and treated her like crap. Now you miss her and want her back? Honestly, it sounds very entitled. Only your feelings count - what about hers? I agree that the time to address was two months ago not now. I guess it's mature to apologize, as she did to you, but beyond that leave her alone instead of trying to suck her back in. What will you do next time she lets you down - rinse and repeat?

If you take all this to heart as a learning experience, it might help you be a better partner for a NEW relationship that starts with a clean slate and some better conflict resolution skills.

[notbroken]

Move on.  Your time is better spent with someone you don't have this baggage with.  Even if you got back with her, it would likely effect the relationship forever. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, notbroken said:

Move on.  Your time is better spent with someone you don't have this baggage with.  Even if you got back with her, it would likely effect the relationship forever. 

Agree, you can't just keep beating her up about it with excuses like 'friendly" communication about her new place. She'll soon figure out your pattern of Trojan horse communication.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Chances are, the trust will be gone and things won’t get off the ground again. Anyone that can dump another person and go months without speaking to them is only coming back for selfish reasons—dry spell, loneliness, got dumped themselves, etc. I personally wouldn’t trust someone like that with my heart again.

[zincmagnesium8]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

When you contact her, don't bring up "wanting to reconcile", just keep it very light and just see if she's willing to talk to you again.  You can say you've had some time to cool off and think about things, and you're wondering if she is willing to talk.

I think I'll just ask her how she is and how she is settling in in the new home. I will also apologise for sending her mixed messages after the breakup and not giving her the space we both needed.

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Personally, I'd leave this woman alone and try to find someone new.   You made an adult decision to end the relationship.  Be a man and stand by your decision and leave this woman be.

That being said, I've had plenty of women dump me, then change their mind and attempt reconciliation.  I usually listened to their spiel and if it seemed valid, I gave it another try.  If I was dating someone new, then I told them that I was involved with another and happy.  I was polite and just wished them well.

I can only think of one instance where a woman called me up, got back together with me and we made it work (for a while).  The second time we said "good bye" was because she had a family emergency and had to move back East to help.  I did agree with her decision to go. Although we were both sad, we said "good bye" again, but this time there was love in both of our hearts.

You've given two sides to the story, which is nice to hear. I'm glad one instance worked out for you for a while. I understand that the chances are low, but I figure the chances are low with anyone you date so why not take the risk?

1 hour ago, kendahke said:

None.  If she hasn't contacted you, then she doesn't want to hear from you.

I thought this was true until my friends, family and even strangers told me different. A friend of mine told me that she was in a relationship where she was dumped but couldn't bear to reach out because she was afraid of being rejected again. Her ex eventually contacted her and they did date again for a while before it ended for unrelated reasons.

I'm not saying that she does or doesn't want to hear from me, but there's no way of knowing. Assuming what she's thinking is what got me into this mess in the first place.

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

She hurt you, so then you dumped her and treated her like crap. Now you miss her and want her back? Honestly, it sounds very entitled. Only your feelings count - what about hers? I agree that the time to address was two months ago not now. I guess it's mature to apologize, as she did to you, but beyond that leave her alone instead of trying to suck her back in. What will you do next time she lets you down - rinse and repeat?

If you take all this to heart as a learning experience, it might help you be a better partner for a NEW relationship that starts with a clean slate and some better conflict resolution skills.

It was far from crap that I treated her. I just ended our relationship saying that we were finished for good. There were no insults thrown and we didn't leave on a bad note. It was just a very abrupt end which then dragged out because I got too caught up in trying to guess what she was thinking.

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I think I'll just ask her how she is and how she is settling in in the new home. I will also apologise for sending her mixed messages after the breakup and not giving her the space we both needed.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I didn't see any mixed messages from you to her.  I recall you dumping her and talking repeatedly about how hurt and angry her actions made you and that you'd never go back to her.  Nothing mixed about that.    If you are going to apologise, your apology should be for acting in anger instead of thinking about it first.

And space doesn't fix anything.  

[basil67]

9 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I haven't contacted her at all yet.

I'm not focused on the past. The breakup is the present! Are you saying that in any reconciliation that you shouldn't mention the breakup at all?

I thought it was obvious that we would discuss honesty. It was the reason for the breakup so it would certainly come up in conversation.

Let me give another example. Lets say that she was spending a lot of time working and not enough time dedicated to the relationship. To reconcile would you not discuss spending more time together?

I'm really confused why it wouldn't be mentioned!

No, estrangement is the present.  The breakup is the past.  

If you want a chance at getting her back, this must be about you apologising for your behaviour.   The two of you have already hashed out her behaviour endlessly and if you really think that discussion needs to happen yet again, then it shows that you believe she still doesn't "get it".  

To use your example, if someone spent too much time working and not enough dedicated to the relationship, I would attempt to address it while I was still in the relationship.  If nothing changed, I'd end the relationship and move on because they aren't compatible to me.   The only way reconciliation could possibly happen would be if they came to me and told me that they had reduced their work hours.  

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I think I'll just ask her how she is and how she is settling in in the new home. I will also apologise for sending her mixed messages after the breakup and not giving her the space we both needed.

And there you go... thinking up "an opening line" just to do the Trojan horse thing of rehashing the breakup under the guise of friendly chitchat. You realize it's manipulative, and she will too, eventually..

[zincmagnesium8]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I didn't see any mixed messages from you to her.  I recall you dumping her and talking repeatedly about how hurt and angry her actions made you and that you'd never go back to her.  Nothing mixed about that.    If you are going to apologise, your apology should be for acting in anger instead of thinking about it first.

And space doesn't fix anything.  

I may have left some elements of my story out. Sorry if I did. I do that to try and maintain anonymity on forums, change some details in case someone figures out who I am. It happened to me before so I am very wary.

Also I wasn't angry, I was just very upset. There was no raised voice or any suggestion of violence if thats what you're thinking.  

Just now, basil67 said:

No, estrangement is the present.  The breakup is the past.  

If you want a chance at getting her back, this must be about you apologising for your behaviour.   The two of you have already hashed out her behaviour endlessly and if you really think that discussion needs to happen yet again, then it shows that you believe she still doesn't "get it".  

To use your example, if someone spent too much time working and not enough dedicated to the relationship, I would attempt to address it while I was still in the relationship.  If nothing changed, I'd end the relationship and move on because they aren't compatible to me.   The only way reconciliation could possibly happen would be if they came to me and told me that they had reduced their work hours.  

Not to get technical, but we are broken up so I would say that's the present!

I'm not looking for any indepth discussion of the breakup or what happened at all. All I want to do is talk to her. I am going in with no expectations as I know it can go any way.

I haven't been in a situation like this before and maybe the smart thing to do would have been to talk it through at the time but I thought the only option at the time was to break up because my emotions were racing. I guess I messed up.