What's a good opening message after 2 months of no contact?

[basil67]

Just now, zincmagnesium8 said:

Also I wasn't angry, I was just very upset. There was no raised voice or any suggestion of violence if thats what you're thinking.  

I'm not suggesting you raised your voice or were violent.   Anger can also very cool and cutting in delivery.   But I take your word for it that you were upset, not angry.

Just now, zincmagnesium8 said:

I'm not looking for any indepth discussion of the breakup or what happened at all. All I want to do is talk to her. I am going in with no expectations as I know it can go any way.

I haven't been in a situation like this before and maybe the smart thing to do would have been to talk it through at the time but I thought the only option at the time was to break up because my emotions were racing. I guess I messed up.

Good.   So if she seems open to being with you again, don't discuss what happened to make you break up because that's already been discussed endlessly.  Simply apologise for rashly dumping her and say how much you've missed her.  That's all.   If you discuss the circumstances of the breakup yet again, you'll push her away.   You must remember that she's likely built walls up in your absence, so now it's your turn to eat humble pie.

[zincmagnesium8]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

And there you go... thinking up "an opening line" just to do the Trojan horse thing of rehashing the breakup under the guise of friendly chitchat. You realize it's manipulative, and she will too, eventually..

What nonsense are you talking about? You've said "Trojan horse" a couple of times now and I don't know how you think that's relevant.

I do not want to rehash the breakup and never said I wanted to.

You're accusing me of being manipulative with no basis.

[zincmagnesium8]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm not suggesting you raised your voice or were violent.   Anger can also very cool and cutting in delivery.   But I take your word for it that you were upset, not angry.

Good.   So if she seems open to being with you again, don't discuss what happened to make you break up because that's already been discussed endlessly.  Simply apologise for rashly dumping her and say how much you've missed her.  That's all.   If you discuss the circumstances of the breakup yet again, you'll push her away.   You must remember that she's likely built walls up in your absence, so now it's your turn to eat humble pie.

I honestly have no expectations and don't want to bring up the past. I just feel in limbo by having this silence between us that I introduced. It would be fine if she made the call or if I knew she didn't want anything to do with me, but when it was technically my decision I feel the ball is in my court and need to do something about it.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

You've said "Trojan horse" a couple of times now and I don't know how you think that's relevant.

Metaphorically, a "Trojan horse" has come to mean any trick or stratagem that causes a target to invite a foe into a securely protected bastion or place.

[zincmagnesium8]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Metaphorically, a "Trojan horse" has come to mean any trick or stratagem that causes a target to invite a foe into a securely protected bastion or place.

I know what a Trojan horse is, but I don't see how it relates to anything here.

You think I'm somehow tricking my ex into something? And that I'm the foe in this scenario?

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I honestly have no expectations and don't want to bring up the past.

Good.  I had the impression that you wanted to talk about honest if she agreed to give it another chance.  Glad that this isn't the case.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, the "wondering about your new home thing" is so fake. She'll assume it's fake. You have to lead with the truth. You can address the awkwardness. "Look, I know you weren't expecting to hear from me, and I get it that you may not want to talk to me. But I miss you and I think about you all the time, and I think I made a big mistake, and I'd like to talk to you and see you."  You might wanna sprinkle in some things you like about ... true things. "I miss your smile. I miss our dinners." Whatever.

The polite intro has zero credibility as this point. She's going to be puzzled and put off by concern for her house. You have to get to the truth right away. If she bites then later on, you can ask her about the house. But the truth is you don't care about the dang house right now. You care about her. So say that.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

It was far from crap that I treated her. I just ended our relationship saying that we were finished for good. There were no insults thrown and we didn't leave on a bad note. It was just a very abrupt end which then dragged out because I got too caught up in trying to guess what she was thinking.

Ok, if you say so, fair enough. I still think you should let her be.

[mark clemson]

32 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 the "wondering about your new home thing" is so fake. She'll assume it's fake. You have to lead with the truth. You can address the awkwardness.

⬆️  = the trojan horse reference you are wondering/arguing about. The fake question is an excuse to talk to her (= a trojan horse to start communication and try to get her back without letting her know your true intention). I agree with Lotsgoingon (and others) - why play these games?

Edited October 7, 2020 by mark clemson

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

...but I figure the chances are low with anyone you date so why not take the risk?
 

Because I'm a guy and I don't beg a woman to come back.  If I dumped her, there was probably a good reason.  I'm not going to make that decision lightly, so I stick to my guns and abide by my original decision.

Women will dump guys for the dumbest reasons.  They listen to their girlfriends too much and compare the relationship to someone else's and a whole bunch of other crap.  

I don't need to compare myself to my other guy friends.  I know if I'm happy with a woman or not.

Plenty of fish in the sea, time to cast your line back out there.

 

[Mystery4u]

Having read your whole previous thread, and now this one, what sticks out to me is that you are very indecisive, and even when you do decide on something, you backtrack, and your actions don't match your words.

For example you told her you are done for good, then tried to get back with her. You also messaged her about meeting up, saying if you don't hear from her no hard feelings, then when she did not get back to you, you definitely had a lot of hard feelings and wanted to block and delete her etc. Then after a few text exchanges, you said you would not wait around for her and would go no contact.as that's the best option. And here we are, 2 months later and your actions are not matching your words, once again. Your actions are basically saying that your words mean ****.

Make up your mind about what you want, then STICK to it!

Do I personally think you should contact her? No. An ex is an ex for a reason. Never go back to an ex. Especially one that lied to you. TBH I have no idea why you actually want to get back with someone that treats you like that, surely you deserve better.

Then again I'm not you, so if you do want to contact her, just DO it. 'Hey it's been a while, I've had a lot of time to think and I've realised I made a mistake in how things ended. I still have feelings and would like it if we could meet up and talk?' No pretending you care about her house etc.

If she replies with anything other than a 'Yes I would like to meet up and talk too' then that is your cue to leave her alone...for good.

Edited October 8, 2020 by Mystery4u

[Lotsgoingon]

I like Mystery's words ... you can add some more power by owning up to an awareness of a flaw. I realize I have x issue, and I'm working on it. Now, the trouble is, I'm not sure you know what your issue is. I don't remember previous threads, but are you impulsive? Quick to strong reactions that aren't well thought out? If so, now is the time to own up to it. This woman will want to know what your "problem" is ... and one way to reach out (no guarantee of success of course) is to show her you are aware of your own issues. You can't fake this. Half-baked apologies are so flamingly obvious and lame.  So, if you don't sincerely have an awareness of an issue that is plaguing you, then don't fake it. But if you can see yourself from a bit of a distance, it might be cool to own up to your stuff.

Nobody is perfect, but what we want in a partner is someone who is aware of their own issues--that way they can monitor their issues and avoid  having those issues sabotage a relationship. 

[zincmagnesium8]

 

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, the "wondering about your new home thing" is so fake. She'll assume it's fake. You have to lead with the truth. You can address the awkwardness. "Look, I know you weren't expecting to hear from me, and I get it that you may not want to talk to me. But I miss you and I think about you all the time, and I think I made a big mistake, and I'd like to talk to you and see you."  You might wanna sprinkle in some things you like about ... true things. "I miss your smile. I miss our dinners." Whatever.

The polite intro has zero credibility as this point. She's going to be puzzled and put off by concern for her house. You have to get to the truth right away. If she bites then later on, you can ask her about the house. But the truth is you don't care about the dang house right now. You care about her. So say that.

It's actually not fake! I am genuinely curious about where she is living now. I don't even know if she's in the same city anymore. I think a polite opening is much better than discussing the breakup. I just want to open up conversation. I'm not trying to say I want to get back together right now. I think that would be crazy to suggest. And it's quite possible that nothing comes of our conversation but I'm okay with that.

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

⬆️  = the trojan horse reference you are wondering/arguing about. The fake question is an excuse to talk to her (= a trojan horse to start communication and try to get her back without letting her know your true intention). I agree with Lotsgoingon (and others) - why play these games?

It's not a game. It's just a friendly opener to start a conversation. I don't know how you normally communicate with people but lets say you're on Tinder. Do you open with "Hey, I would like to meet you for dinner tonight. Does my place at 8pm work for you?".

8 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Because I'm a guy and I don't beg a woman to come back.  If I dumped her, there was probably a good reason.  I'm not going to make that decision lightly, so I stick to my guns and abide by my original decision.

Women will dump guys for the dumbest reasons.  They listen to their girlfriends too much and compare the relationship to someone else's and a whole bunch of other crap.  

I don't need to compare myself to my other guy friends.  I know if I'm happy with a woman or not.

Plenty of fish in the sea, time to cast your line back out there.

 

I think that's a very narrow minded and sexist view of the world, but that's just me.

5 hours ago, Mystery4u said:

Having read your whole previous thread, and now this one, what sticks out to me is that you are very indecisive, and even when you do decide on something, you backtrack, and your actions don't match your words.

I am indecisive, yes. Faced with multiple options I never know what the right choice is and then afterwards I think "why didn't I pick the other one!". Maybe because I tend to always go for the wrong option and regret it afterwards.

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I like Mystery's words ... you can add some more power by owning up to an awareness of a flaw. I realize I have x issue, and I'm working on it. Now, the trouble is, I'm not sure you know what your issue is. I don't remember previous threads, but are you impulsive? Quick to strong reactions that aren't well thought out? If so, now is the time to own up to it. This woman will want to know what your "problem" is ... and one way to reach out (no guarantee of success of course) is to show her you are aware of your own issues. You can't fake this. Half-baked apologies are so flamingly obvious and lame.  So, if you don't sincerely have an awareness of an issue that is plaguing you, then don't fake it. But if you can see yourself from a bit of a distance, it might be cool to own up to your stuff.

Nobody is perfect, but what we want in a partner is someone who is aware of their own issues--that way they can monitor their issues and avoid  having those issues sabotage a relationship. 

No I'm not impulsive at all. I'm the opposite. I overthink things and get what they call "analysis paralysis". That's when I come to forums like this to try and figure out what to do! I have sent her long winded messages before trying to explain everything but I seem to come out the worse for it and it makes me look like a crazy person overthinking things. It's what got me into this problem in the first place, thinking about what X, Y and Z could mean.

[ExpatInItaly]

You could choose just about any benign opening line (her new place, her work, her favourite show on Netflix, her opinion on penguins) but she's going to know why you're really contacting her. 

As such, the opening line doesn't matter much. Don't stress that part. If I recall, she was the one who blew you off when you previously gave her the opportunity to patch things up. She opted not to. For that reason, I would brace yourself here if you go through with this. I don't think she was interested in salvaging things then, and I am not sure that 2 months will have changed much. But in any case, the way you open that conversation isn't that important. It's what comes after it that you need to focus on. 

[elaine567]

The problem here is that if she decides to reconcile, she will be accepting blame for kissing that guy and that is not a comfortable place to be.
Yes she was "at fault" but she can't keep beating herself up about it to please you. 
She will always feel like she is "lesser" and that she has to always try to make up for it.
That is why I guess she accepted the break up and didn't keep fighting for the relationship to continue.
She didn't want to be put in that awkward position long term.

[zincmagnesium8]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You could choose just about any benign opening line (her new place, her work, her favourite show on Netflix, her opinion on penguins) but she's going to know why you're really contacting her. 

As such, the opening line doesn't matter much. Don't stress that part. If I recall, she was the one who blew you off when you previously gave her the opportunity to patch things up. She opted not to. For that reason, I would brace yourself here if you go through with this. I don't think she was interested in salvaging things then, and I am not sure that 2 months will have changed much. But in any case, the way you open that conversation isn't that important. It's what comes after it that you need to focus on. 

I think that's reasonable. I'm not expecting anything and am prepared for any outcome. I've spent too much of my life worrying what might happen and end up not taking any risks. I've looked at the possible outcomes and I won't be in any worse position than I already am. 

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

The problem here is that if she decides to reconcile, she will be accepting blame for kissing that guy and that is not a comfortable place to be.
Yes she was "at fault" but she can't keep beating herself up about it to please you. 
She will always feel like she is "lesser" and that she has to always try to make up for it.
That is why I guess she accepted the break up and didn't keep fighting for the relationship to continue.
She didn't want to be put in that awkward position long term.

I can understand that. I won't be suggesting anything or be putting in her in any awkward position. I only want to talk and accept it could go any which way. I don't want to lead it to any set destination. If something more happens, it happens. You can't force things.

[Happy Lemming]

10 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I think that's a very narrow minded and sexist view of the world, but that's just me.

Men and women are different creatures.  What you call sexist, I call biology.

If you want to go crawling back and beg for another chance... go do it, no skin off my nose.

Rest assured, the dynamic will shift and she'll know she can treat you like crap and you'll just take it.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

It's actually not fake!

It's not a game.

I think that's a very narrow minded and sexist view of the world

No I'm not impulsive at all.

Methinks thou doth protest too much. Maybe you should consider just doing whatever you feel like and not asking others for advice if all you want to do is refute it?

The people here can only go by what YOU write, so if so many of us "aren't getting it" maybe you need to be more clear or explain things more fully so that we CAN understand what's going on with you next time??  Would certainly save us ALL (including you) a lot of extra typing...

 

Waiting for it...

Edited October 8, 2020 by mark clemson

[elaine567]

Most of us realise through personal experience or that of others that trawling back in time to resurrect failed relationships is never a good idea.
That is what we are all trying to tell you, but you seem  to want to carry on regardless...

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

I only want to talk and accept it could go any which way. I don't want to lead it to any set destination. If something more happens, it happens. You can't force things.

Tell him you broke up because you wanted him to fight for you. Unfortunately that doesn't happen in real life. Reconciliations are not the norm. And people who break up in anger or to teach someone a lesson, need better emotional control and communication skills. You didn't accept the apology, you broke up in a huff.

Edited October 8, 2020 by Wiseman2

[zincmagnesium8]

2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Methinks thou doth protest too much. Maybe you should consider just doing whatever you feel like and not asking others for advice if all you want to do is refute it?

The people here can only go by what YOU write, so if so many of us "aren't getting it" maybe you need to be more clear or explain things more fully so that we CAN understand what's going on with you next time??  Would certainly save us ALL (including you) a lot of extra typing...

 

Waiting for it...

Waiting for?

It's funny because the I asked a question "what's a good opening message after 2 months of no contact" not "should I send her a message". All the responses I get are reasons why I shouldn't do it! I think it's the people here that are ignoring what is being said lol.

In the end I sent her a message. She replied almost instantly saying it was great to hear from me. I apologised for the way I acted and she said I had no reason to say sorry. We had a catch up and nothing more. Was like any old conversation we had before. Feels like a weight off my shoulders.

[Happy Lemming]

Are you going to contact her again and attempt to take her out on a date??

[Mystery4u]

53 minutes ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

 

In the end I sent her a message. She replied almost instantly saying it was great to hear from me. I apologised for the way I acted and she said I had no reason to say sorry. We had a catch up and nothing more. Was like any old conversation we had before. Feels like a weight off my shoulders.

Ok so when you told her you still have feelings and would like to meet up and talk what did she say?

Because in your OP you clearly stated you want to try and get back with her. Or are you now changing your mind again?

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

"what's a good opening message after 2 months of no contact"

Well I do remember one very specific phone call from a woman that had dumped me.  We had been broken up about 18 months, prior.

It was 11:30pm, I had just got out of the shower (as it had been a hot and sweaty day).  I was just about ready to climb into bed and read a little before falling asleep, when my phone rang. Being so late, I thought something was wrong, so I answered it.

Me: Hello

M: Hi, its me, "M"

Me: Umm, Wow Hi.

M: Do you have any tequila?

Me: Yes, of course. (She knew I always kept a couple of bottles of tequila in my home)

M: Bring it over.

Me: You still live at the same place?

M: Yes

Me: Be over in a few... bye.

I jumped into some clothes, grabbed an unopened bottle of my better tequila and red-lined my sport-bike getting there. When I got there, she explained that the reason she broke up with me in the first place was because her friends and their opinion of me.  She learned to stop listening to her friends and listen to her heart.

The rest of the night was (in a word) GREAT!!, but that is for another thread.

[mark clemson]

I was waiting for you to argue back, but you took the hint and didn't.

3 hours ago, zincmagnesium8 said:

It's funny because the I asked a question "what's a good opening message after 2 months of no contact" not "should I send her a message". All the responses I get are reasons why I shouldn't do it! I think it's the people here that are ignoring what is being said lol.

 

If you say so. It's your thread. I think people were responding to exactly what you wrote, just the giving things a 2nd chance part, not the how to do that part.

On 10/6/2020 at 2:24 PM, zincmagnesium8 said:

I decide to go no contact for a while to clear my head. It's been two months now and I still thing about her and want to give things a second chance. Just to open the dialogue to start and see how things go. She may not even want to try things again, but I can live with that if that's what she wants.

 

Glad you had your get back in touch moment.